how to get my wife to initiate?

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how many long term extra parental relationships with a romantic other have YOU had, LPP?

Presumptive, LPP - you have no idea what the content would be. If it doesn't work for you, fine - but please knock off with the bashing of anything that is not a solution to you personally. I've used the notebook-at-the-table process before; it is really helpful when there are problems with interruption or being unable to get a word in edgewise. Also agree - no guarantees of happy endings, only that there will be change. Otherwise the option is stagnation, and that's a slow death.


M.

First, I wasn't referring to you but to the people who gave the letter advice. Notebooks and to-do-list are helpful, I was just criticizing the communication with a wife under same roof via letter.

To answer your question: none... I was just imagining the situation , and the issue about the letter is a common sense. I smell singlism here, what??! are singles not allowed to give common sense advices about relationships too?

alright, I am also having them pour a concrete driveway in front of my house. . what ratio of cement to crushed gravel should I use? I could use some advice.

Al right then,sinsboldly ...since you want to be so sarcastic and since you want to hit my marital status and my relationship history so personally and since you want to picture me as someone not competent or inferior in knowledge or common sense about such stuff because of my marital status or my lack of romantic experience(and you already know my marital status before this thread) ....then fine, it's war then, I am so used to wars btw.

You said in many posts before that you were in 2 marriage relationships before but now you are alone, so I guess that both relationships have failed. Based on that , I can unfairly assume too that you may not be competent enough in order to give love advices for the success of a marriage relationships, just like me, no?

Last edited by LePetitPrince on 27 Jul 2008, 3:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Before you start reading something into this that may not be there...maybe you should think about all the possible causes.

You have a baby right?

I'll be honest with you sleep deprivation doesn't make you feel too sexy. Babies can be tough.

After having mine my hormones took a nosedive into the bottomless pit, I became anemic, and generally felt like a truck hit me (ended up diagnosed with fibro a year after he was born). My son didn't sleep though the night until well after his first birthday.

An hour in bed sleeping or an hour in bed having sex...I definately would have chose sleeping. Of course I loved my husband, of course I cared about him...but I felt like a walking zombie.

So....I'd say first, before you start writing letters or going off the deep end thinking it's you, or that the relationship is sinking...check and see if their could be any "physical" reasons for the way your wife is feeling right now.

How much housework are you doing?

Are you creating extra work for her?

If she's got the feeling you're a burden rather than someone who builds her up, she's not going to feel a lot of desire.

Begging and whining aren't real erotic, either.

LePetitPrince & T0,

I can understand how you might think that a letter is a cowards way but it's not true at all.

There are good reasons for letter writing and I've been on marriage courses where it's encouraged as much BETTER than talking.

I'll try to explain;

1. A letter can be read over and over again - it can be kept - it represents long term commitment, not just something you said in the heat of the moment.

2. People often feel more comfortable writing things down instead of saying them face to face. That's why internet texting relationships get up and and running so quickly. People are more daring and more willing to tell the truth in a letter.

3. Often when you're having a conversation, you only get half the words out before your partner interrupts you. Often your partner is not really listening but is instead concentrating on finding the counter-argument to your letter. Giving someone a letter that they can read a few times over gives them a chance to digest your point of view before they can respond.

4. A letter can be the result of hours of thought and correction. You can really think about what you want or need to say before you blurt it out. You can consider the other person's feelings and you can make sure that you're real reasons and motivations are exposed. Saying I love you in a letter is more potent than saying it in speech because you've written it down, where the other person can keep it and re-read it. You've also had plenty of time to think about it, to edit it but you've chosen to leave the words in. It doesn't represent a trite phrase spewed out into the middle of a conversation - instead, saying I love you in a letter means that you've given the matter serious thought and decided that it is true.

5. We're aspies, we are at an inherent disadvantage when it comes to interpretation of tone, facial expression and body language. Letters level the playing field for us. We are more likely to understand and to be understood in print.


LePetitPrince, you're one of the people who complains about girlfriends etc... why not try this approach and get your feelings out in the open?

Wait, there is a baby involved? That changes a lot of things. It's very normal for a woman to lose interest in sex after having a baby. Most if it being hormonal. Babies can drain your energy and make you very tired plus if she says "I'm sore" does she mean muscles? or "down there"?

My sister, (who would kill me if she knew I was posting this), was torn after her baby and sex irritated that condition and it hurt her. The pain last for about a week and when it started to go away, her husband wanted sex again which made a vicious circle. All the pain has really destroyed her desire for sex.

I doubt it's you that is the problem, I bet there is more going on with her than you realize. Pay more attention to what happens during her day and how much energy she spends on kids and the house.

A baby? How long ago? This completely changes the rules of interpretation! Any consideration of attraction, sleep, etc. are out. No sex until all tissues involve have healed and hormones have restabilized! This could take several months at least.

A baby changes the landscape entirely.
You should be careful as you or your wife could also be suffering from post-natal depression.

Nothing can ruin a perfectly good relationship quite as quickly as a baby.

Get the baby minded and grab some time-out for immediate discussion.

Remember that PND can hang on for years and can sour one or more parent's relationship with the child as well as their partner.

Ok guys.

Digger has yet to mention ANYTHING about a kid. I'm actually curious what he has to say, as right now we have very little information from him, but tons of speculation on our part...

Have to agree with the Prince once in a while.

Letters are great if you have tried discussing it and are not getting anywhere.

If you are not even able to try discussing it then that is a warning signal.
Sure, write it down in to arrange your thoughts and to be sure of what you want to say and how you want to say it.
I'd want to have a go at face to face before having to go to a letter.

Having said that, a letter and/or card every week or two could be a good idea if communication is not going so well.

Making jokes about it in front of others is not helpful.

Don't know anything about laying concrete though

I THINK IT ALL BOILS DOWN TO "PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE." A "WAIT AND SEE" ATTITUDE CAN CONFIRM WHETHER OR NOT THE MARITAL SYMPTOMS ARE ACUTE OR CHRONIC. IF IT IS THE LATTER, THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN TO KNOW THE PERSON BETTER BEFORE YOU GOT MARRIED. LIVE AND LEARN -- THEN PASS IT ON.

Why don't you actually help her out with the housework?

Who are you referring to?