This is how I see it is, and this is how it is.

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OK... I don't think that anyone who has never had trouble with relationships can speak for any of us who are struggling. Keep in mind that Asperger's is on a "spectrum," and people are affected by it to varying degrees. So who are you to say that it's not a problem for someone? I'm getting tired of this conservative-esque tactic of "If I pretend that people with problems are just whiners/losers, they'll go away!"

I don't recall saying I've never had trouble.

And also, none of us are suggesting these people will go away. In fact, I, and certainly Gamester, give advice in these threads.

Even so, neither of you can say anything because you obviously don't know what it's like for us.

what makes you say that Cyberman? Have you any inkling of the fact that I had relationship troubles in the past, but they were smoothed out. my talking, it comes from my experiences. so don't say I don't know what it's like. You'd be quite surprised.

If you knew what it was like, you wouldn't be constantly getting on my case for what you perceive as "whining." You've had relationships before... I've never had a girlfriend in my life. To you, dating is just a "game"... for us, it takes all our strength and courage just to approach a woman, so if some of us seem "whiny" for having failed numerous times in our approach, that's why. You're only 20 and you say you've "smoothed out" your problems... for God's sake, we have guys in their 30's and over who continue to fail at what comes so "naturally" for NT's. Just because it was easy (or at least comparatively "easy") for you doesn't mean it'll be easy for all Aspies. I don't speak for all Aspies, but you shouldn't speak for me and others like me if you haven't had a taste of what we go through.

Alright, buddy, you don't know a damn thing about me.

1. Yeah, I've had relationships before, and you haven't. But you know what? That means you've never had your heart broken by someone you loved. You've never been cheated on. You've never questioned whether an entire relationship had just been a sham. You've never found somebody PERFECT for you, but known it couldn't work because of distance or circumstances. So don't act like you've got the goddamn market cornered on heartbreak, mate.

2. It takes all of my strength and courage to approach a woman too. And you know what? Between the ages of 15 and 16 I notched up 11 rejections. I also notched up 1 success. Being turned down by a woman isn't a failure. Be glad you got as far as you did. She turned you down? Hey! So what? You had the courage to go and talk to her? That's a step forward. Every failure is another step towards a success.

3. It was never easy. Not once. Buy dating books. Ask girls and guys that you know for advice. Write into agony aunt columns, whatever. But never give up on something just because it's hard.

We're not pretending it doesn't suck getting reject and that it isn't a tough job to learn to read these signs. But acting like it's a conspiracy (???) or that women are playing with you or anything like that is just avoiding the issue. No-one is saying it's your fault but the responsibility still lies with you to fix it. The women aren't going to change, so you're going to have to.

A game? A GAME? A FRACKING GAME!?!?!? YOU THINK DATING IS JUST A GAME TO ME?!?!?!

Maybe you should look at the subtext that I write with, I'm a writing lit major. I do subtext, those who get it, understand me. The subtext of what I'm saying is that you're cowering too much behind your despondence over the fact that you've been eternally single. You need to get out there and well........get out there for starters. shout to the world something along the lines "I will not let my singleness get me down!" or something like that.

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As a general thing here when I was writing this original posting. I wasn't doing it to attack anyone or make them feel bad, or glorify myself. I want to make it clear to all here, that I'm trying to help you all understand your strengths and weaknesses. Please understand that is one of my purposes here, the other to be a councilor to what other things may come along.

Mmmm.... I'm seriously doubting that you're majoring in "writing lit"... Maybe in a language other than English because you should know that "anyone" is singular, while "them" is plural.

I find the whole critisizing and blaming women bad. You can critisize and blame all you want, it an't going to change them and it isn't going to change your own situation.

You are better off trying to understand them.

This is how I see it.

In order to get a girlfriend you should by a kind, genuine honest considerate guy. Be the best person you can be. Anyone should be able to do that.

Here is the ugly part.

You will have more luck if you are more alpha, if you are physically better looking, social, successful, bla bla, stuff you can work on. But a lot of that stuff is out of your control so you should not blame yourself and feel bad about yourself. That's just life..

Also if a girl rejects you, it means she is not interested in you. Do you want to have a relationship with someone that is not interested in you? Would you have a relationship with someone that you are not interested in? I wouldn't that would not be fair on me or her.
If you get rejected you need to move on. Try to think of it as a filter system as well.

Look at women as just friends to begin with, that way you don't come on to strong and if you want to have a serious relationship, you really need to get to know each other anyway before you can consider that.

Your attitude on women. Yes there are some bad b*****s out there that are going to use you. Women will lead you on and reject you for a self-esteem thing. There really are some evil women out there.
But also there are some really great genuine women out there. And women in between.
Just like there is good and bad men out there, so get some perspective..

Yeah I agree with John, sure it makes things harder. But if you don't try the outcome is going to be obvious. Why not give things a try at least?

Also dating and meeting women should be fun , maybe members are taking things a bit to seriously.

I hope members take some of my advice and don't just dismiss it.

yes, that's true about the grammatical errors 2 posts back (bogun slipped his post in before mine).

Last edited by Postperson on 11 Aug 2008, 8:00 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Except he doesn't know the gender of the person in question, and as such 'they' is generally accepted in common English to refer to an individual of indeterminate gender. 'Whoever they were, they just got up and walked away.'

That is correct.

I believe those were your words, not mine.



In any event, if you guys really are here to help people, then you should do it with a less arrogant approach, because people aren't going to listen to you when they're pissed off. Normally, I would apologize for having "misjudged" you, but your wise-guy remarks have made me skeptical of that.

That's why you just say "he" and people understand from the word "anyone" that "he" = "anyone." Or if you're a sour, politically-correct feminist, you can say "he/she" or "he or she."

I'm not going to wallow in self-pity here, I've been dealt the cards I have and they're still a lot better than some people. But I'm not going to delude myself. I'm not attractive, I'm not succesful, I'm not confident. I don't even think it's morally right for me to be in a relationship. So yeah, when it comes to romance I'm a lost cause, I made too many mistakes, followed bad advice for too long and have too many other problems.

So for the record I'll not let my singleness get me down, but I don't need people telling me to "get over it and get out there" because that really isn't helpful advice.

im not taking sides here but there is a good point to be made here.
Most As know a lot about a lot. we are quite meticulous thourough knowledgable people. but all too often armed with this massive capacity of knowledge we let ourselves down by the bluntness of our delivery.
if you have a good and valid point , and most people in this thread do, then it will penetrate better when delivered sharply, without bluntness and one-upmanship.
without emotion and delivered evenly will penetrate further than a regurgiatetion of a book or journal and followed by a ...so there!