Nice Guys and Love, what's your take on the issue

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OK... I was actually trying to be "positive" for once. Usually, I'm really cynical about this stuff. And now you're criticizing me... I don't see why...

Okay folks so I'm a noob to the forums - let's just get that out of the way. Howdy y'all.

I'm 41, and for many, many years I realized I had an issue with what I call dialectic thinking - this is a pretentious though valid technical term for "all or nothing" thinking. This applied not just to my pathetic attempts at romance when a teen, but often through college, and to everything.

Some of us Aspies tend to over-categorize, over-analyze, over-classify the world because we feel we need to do so in order to understand it. However, most people don't; most NTs simply seek out the people they're most attracted to, the jobs that seem most appealing, the sports or other things they most fun doing, and they don't analyze it. We are different because we do.

As many women as exist in this world, are as many different women; each has their own physicality, attitude, intellect, and depth. Dudes, and dudettes, no one does themselves any favors by pigeonholing everything they see. Instead, you merely limit the enjoyment and appreciation you can gain from the world.

It took a *huge* amount of effort to get to this point in my life, in terms of my attitude. I was helped along by a gorgeous woman who is just as smart and quirky as me.

Maybe until we get to this point we should seek out AS women, as they understand us. They are rare gems. And to pay a compliment to one female on this board, obviously gorgeous AS women do exist, and they are nice and willing to relate.

Just my 2 cents.

Yes, I have much more success meeting women on AspieAffect than I do on PlentyOfFish, despite the fact that POF has about 100 times more members that AA. On AA I can just be myself.

Perhaps we should start a thread called "how to be an ass to attract women."

I think the key is to be nice, but still show a lot of confidence, therefore the girl will see that you can take care of her and she won't be stuck with someone who fails at everything he does. I tend to sometimes have an ego -- which I do, to be honest. Only I tend to propell my ego more so when around girls and then try to back it up. If you can be nice and teasingly be mean -- you have a better chance. I am lucky with my girlfriend, though -- because she never really knew a guy like me who cares about her the way I do. However, if you can show that you're not shy and overall just present yourself in an attractive, yet "siliently nice" way, then you're bound to do well. By siliently nice, I mean act nice, but not overly nice. When I am around my girlfriend's friends, I can be remotely mean to them, just to get a chuckle, even though it is all in good fun. Another tip is, once you've had a kiss with your girl, go ahead and spank them at one point... works for some people.... that's just my take.


If you play your cards right, you'll end up with a full house. Well, more like a house full of naked girls. LoL... Joke.

i like nice guys... but i need a nice guy that's not too soft-spoken... simply because i tend to upset guys over random things that i unknowingly do... and i've been in long term relationships with the softspoken type and all they do is bottle it up and i have no idea what's going on until i make them explode or they give up on me in some way and all i can do is figure that they'd be happier elsewhere.

granted, i never knew about AS when i was in relationships (haven't been in one in over 2 yrs) and i do think i can better navigate myself around some pitfalls... but i do need someone who will kick my ass when it should be kicked.

I can't speak for anyone else, I can only speak for me. Just because you lack self-esteem and you let people trounce on you doesn't make you nice. Confidence comes in many different sizes and shapes. There is a big difference between confidence and cocky. I'm a nice guy, I'm very picky about the words I use as not to offend people and I'm always the first to suggest that people calm down when something begins to become hostile. I like to help others as much as I can, and maybe I give a little to much at times, but I'm hardly a pushover. Guys with that just get pillaged aren't nice, just like Alex from Clockwork Orange wasn't really a good person after they fixed him. You actually have to make a conscious decision to be something, it doesn't count if that's just what you fall into.

Interesting perspectives and opinions people. I'm glad to hear that I'm not the only one who believes in the idea of "nice guys vs. jerks" when considering romantic relationships.

I thought I'd respond to some of you answers.


As for Kerrissteen,

I use the term "normal" and "nice guy" interchangibly because as far as I am concerned, a lot of autistic guys are naturally nice by nature, or at least the ones I have seen. Because we are autistic, we have a tendency to be passive, since we have a lot of trouble interacting socially and emotionally to certain stimulis.

So "nice guys" and "autistic guys" can roughly be used together. It is a bit of a generalization, not every autistic guy is nice, but it is easier to include them into the group of "nice guys".

I find your statement "women want nice men with a strong sense of integrity who treats them with respect" to be terribly ironic, because women say they want these qualities in guys, but they date guys who act the exact opposite often. That's why I said it is more than fitting that such lack of wisdom and sensibility results in heartache and the betrayal that a girl feels for not putting these things into account.

As for this:

"and as adorable as shy guys look from a distance, many of them are so withdrawn and caught up in their own fantasy world they don't even notice when nice girls are interested in them... then the only way to get their attention is to shove yourself in their face which only causes them to freak out and run away... the way I see it, shyness is just another form of narcissm"

I believe nice guys are self-absorbed for a very understandible reason, they have grown so used to being alone and used to seeing girls they like dating jerks, that they can only trust in themselves. As Betterclassed stated: "I think of it just as some barrier shy people make for themselves because there so afraid of the conseqencies of the worst case scenario". He is absolutely right, why should a nice guy trust when everything he has tried has been in vain? If experience has shown you that you can't rely on the girls you like, why you trust them?

THAT is the reason why when girls try to initiate things with a shy guy, they tend to be scared and run off. They don't trust the girl because from previous observations and past experiences, everything has told them that you can't trust them. There is also the fact that nice guys tend to be shy, and being as such, they are afraid of looking awkward. We nice guys need our shell, it may be cliche' that girls are often hurt by guys, but it is true that nice guys are hurt by girls, although the girl's actions aren't on purpose.

As for you, Magnus


"I think anyone regardless of sex wants to be with someone who is interested in them. Nice guys are often shy and this appears as if he is aloof and not interested"

Agreed, and a very insightful observation from the opposite sex. I forgot what girls might think of a shy guy, that he might be aloof and not interested because he doesn't engage them. However, as you said, clever and devious guys are up for the challenge.

I don't think all women are shallow, in truth I think many girls/women don't understand that their actions actually hurt nice guys who care about them the most. They go after what they think is right, but what is often not right. The error in my mind is this, I feel that when I like a girl and she dates a jerk or totally ignores me, it is an insult to me as a person. Although this is not the case, girls don't date jerks to piss off nice guys, I take it as an insult, that such a girl doesn't deem me worthy of love/friendship. That is why I say it is fitting than girls who date jerks get their hearts broken. In truth, girls really do nothing wrong because they are ignorant of the fact that they were dating a jerk. When one has been rejected many times, such as myself, they look for justification in why things didn't work out.

The thing is I don't trust girls/women romantically, like I said, if previous experience and observations have proved otherwise, why would you trust in what you know will be more than likely dissapointing. If a mouse gets shocked every time he tries to eat a piece of cheese, he will stop going after the cheese because he knows it isn't worth the risk.

And finally, no, I'm not a casanova or an inspiring casanova, flattery and excessive charm are the tools used by players/jerks to manipulate girls' feelings. A casanova, more accurately a player, is a disgraceful person to fling the feelings of love about like they were nothing.

Perhaps there needs to be a distinction made between nice guys (and gals) and appeasers... this is something that has been running around in my head, because there is a difference. Those for whom it is an innate quality, and then those who, through their effort and attempts, manage to grind down everyone bit of character and nuance of themselves from existence try to appeal to the desires of another. One is a natural state, the other is a state of agitation... and it becomes obvious in time which is more attractive to others. I'm not for universal consumption; there are going to be some people who just aren't going to like me, or me them. Not my problem - and I'm more concerned about those that I do connect with.


M.

How many freakin threads do we need about "nice guys" people????
This exact subject keeps getting rehashed again & again & again & again & again! I think most of us KNOW by now that nice guys "finish last" and that there aint much that we can do to change what women want in men. I wish those who want to continue discussing this would find an old nice guys thread and post to it instead of starting new threads about a tired old subject.