confusion about mixed signals

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Thanks for your insights and advice, everyone who replied. I'm going to tell him this weekend when I see him. Will let you know how it goes...

I hope it goes well, if I can help at all, I'm here

maybe you just need to make make a very clear first move. perhaps he is shy

OK, I have another question. I noticed a pattern in my interaction with my aspie guy. He tends to act indifferent and seemingly cold to me when I'm the one who initiates contact with him (IM, phone). However, when he's the one who initiates contact with me, that's when he's super friendly and sweet. I almost feel like it's a "let him come to you" thing like when you're trying to pet a dog or something. Is this a not uncommon behavior with aspies? I'm an introvert so I understand and respect his need for space and alone time, but at the same time I don't want to be scared of contacting him if I need to talk to him. I'd almost rather that when he doesn't want to be bothered he make himself unavailable (i.e., log out of IM, turn off his phone for a while etc.) because I'd rather not talk to him when he's going to be indifferent/cold.

If I'm working or focusing, or even just immersed in my head taking some time for repose, I can be a world-class jackass when interrupted, according to those around me... so I can relate to the situation described. However, having him shut down to signify it may not be practical. Again, in my experience, I may be using IM to discuss a compositional issue with another musician - not for social purposes. It may also be that he is having trouble addressing his emotions, and is selective in expressing them. I would not think it a major issue, just worth mentioning to him in the future.


M.

I'm curious ...what's going on in your head at the moment others around you think you're a world-class jackass? I assume you're not aware that you're being a jack-ass, but are you trying to convey somehow that you do not want to be bothered, or are upset that you have been bothered?

I don't often recognize it in the moment; from feedback, I am short, terse, curt, tonally abrupt, irritable. It is almost distressing when I am in a flow, locked into myself, and then I am shaked out of it. Imagine being sound asleep and waking hard into a bad mood/situation - that is one way it has been described to me. Once I have a moment, I am fine... it's the jolt, the distraction, the loss of clearheaded quiet, that bothers me most I think. It's noise in my head, it's distracting. That is a rare time for me... just cranky old man, I guess.


M.

An (albeit frustrating) update for anyone who cares:

I told the aspie guy I like how I felt. One night we got on the topic of relationships and he admitted not ever having been in one before. I told him about my past relationships and he told me about his past rejections. I told him straight up that it was their loss and that I thought he was great and that I would want to date him. I mentioned this twice in the conversation, and each time he responded with a joke as if he were jokingly brushing off my comment. The second time I called him on it and he said that it was a defense mechanism thing he did. Judging by the way he looks at me and the nature of the compliments he gives me, I truly believe he likes me.

Basically, I still feel like I've gotten nowhere. If he's going to do the defense mechanism thing whenever I sincerely admit my feelings for him and not respond appropriately or explicitly reciprocate any feelings back, it's going to get on my nerves and make me want to give up on him. However, I'm so smitten by this guy that I can't imagine giving up on him. I can't stop thinking about him and want him more than anything, and to make it worse, I don't know what I mean to him because I can't break past his barriers. I'm easily at risk of becoming his doormat because I'm letting him interrupt my life so much while I'm pretty sure he's not letting me interrupt his. He's just going on with his own life as usual, I think.

To add more drama (as if I needed any in my life at the moment), I met a guy at school who I have developed a bit of a crush on. He's NT but in a lot of ways his personality is like my aspie guy, but he happens to be a lot more mature and stable in the emotions department and a good communicator. We're on acquaintance terms right now, but if he shows any interest in me I will be very tempted to pursue something with him. BUT something inside is making me feel like crap for even considering this guy because I'm just so in love with my aspie guy. Overall I like the aspie guy more, but it seems I'm not getting anywhere with no sign of getting anywhere in the near future. He can be difficult to read and to communicate with sometimes, his feelings toward me are obscure and uncertain and confusing, he's emotionally pretty immature and I'm not sure he can give me what I need in a relationship, but despite all this I'm smitten with him and have fallen in love with the person he is. I don't know what to do here...

I thought about giving him an ultimatum like "Look, are you interested in being in a relationship with me or not? " but I'm worried that might put him off somehow. And of course I'm scared of the answer being no. It would not only hurt me, but it would possibly change or affect the great friendship we have now. I really just wanted a relationship to develop naturally from our friendship...

I am an aspie girl, 21 and have never been in a relationship. The thing is maybe he doesn't believe you are serious. Maybe he's gonna think you'll toy with him. Maybe he doesn't want to date you untill he can trust you 100% like know everything about you. Maybe there are things about himself that makes him to be not confident like "what if she knows that I do that?". SO WRITE HIM A LETTER WITHOUT FIGURES OF SPEECH. ^^ My advice. Maybe he is not reading your non verbal language which happens to all of us. So try to write very straight like.

"I am this way. You are this way. The least thing I would do on earth was disappointing you"

But as an asperger, people HURT. I know, so... think twice, I like things that ast forever, I'd never date "just for fun", each one of us think differently of course, but that's how I think.

I have to disagree with this. Some aspies do get clung onto and are swooned over and they don't want it. I'm one example and I know of another. When an NT girl falls for an Aspie, it's very hard to give him up as the OP has said. You don't want anyone else. You also don't know where you stand. One day things are going great and you feel on top of the world, the next he hardly acts like you are there.



This statement is so true I could have written it. I don't know what I mean to my aspie, I probably already am his doormat and my life has been so interrupted over the last 3 years, I rearrange everything just to spend time with him and he seems to give up nothing. It's like an addiction. My head tells me to walk away, it's too confusing, my heart says no.

My advice to you suebear is to write him a letter, be very clear about your feelings and what you want. Then take the lead, ask him out. Just don't push too hard too fast. Go to dinner, go see a movie, you'll probably have to lead most of the way. If you really want him then go get him. Give the other guy a wait. Give this one a chance.

well i wish id seen this thread before the update. as far as the detached coldness, it seems simple enough to me.. when he calls you he is excited etc when u call him hes uninterested. sounds to me like simple planning.. when he calls you he has a plan, an idea of what he wants to do an how things are supposed to go, probably even has lil speaches prepared for various situations. When you call him hes unprepared, he will be forced to freestyle which can be incredibly discomforting.

as far as the new guy thing goes, this is exactly what hes afraid of id imagine. from my own personal experience i can say i know the feeling of "wow this is so great, shame that eventually shes gonna meet some normal dood who isnt a total pain in the ass to deal with and who knows how to act etc, and im gonna be holding the bag again" this feeeds the coldness because if unprepared for a situation his shortcomings seem that much more pronounced to him and makes Joe NT look that much more appealing to you. catch 22. hes damned if he does and damned if he doesnt, so to protect himself he keeps his distance.

OK, so I told him and it got through to him what I meant exactly and my heart is now torn to pieces.

Thank you, VMS, I appreciate the supportive words.

suebear, what's going on?


M.

Have either of you tried to explain this to your respective BFs? Oftentimes aspies can hurt other people emotionally without even realizing it...

I don't get it. We've been getting so close emotionally over the past few weeks. We spend hours having awesome conversations, which are funny and flirty and occasionally bordering on sexual (in a gentle flirty way, not creepy or anything) so I was so sure I had the green light that he felt the same way and that a relationship could happen. At the point in which I feel safe enough to reveal to him my feelings, he reciprocates about 5% of those feelings back to me in a highly ambiguous manner. When I told him how much I liked him, it seemed almost like he was flattered and happy about it. I told him the reasons why I liked him, and rambled on a bit and as the conversation turned more awkward, he said "Well I'm glad you like me that way" and said he is too analytical to like people the way others do. He said he has his own way of liking people. I'm not sure what the hell that is supposed to mean. I know for a fact he wants a relationship and that he's tried pursuing girls in the past so obviously he is capable of being attracted to people and pursuing them. Given that he's not doing that with me, I assume he rejected me. But then why all the flirting? I almost felt like I was lead on....wow, I'm utterly crushed.

Why on earth would he be happy about me liking him if he doesn't feel that way himself? Doesn't he know that unreciprocated love is like the most painful thing in the world? After leaving the conversation I sobbed and moped at home. Worst night of my life.

Saying that one is too analytical to like someone is a bunch of BS. I'm so analytical it drives other people crazy sometimes, and I can still like other people in a more or less "normal" sense. Most likely that comment is a social defense mechanism since he has great difficulty coping with high-level emotions. I see one of three things happening:

1) He doesn't know how to respond. I know from personal experience for myself that I tend to lock up when attempting to be romantic, to the point that I can't function for several minutes. It's the closest human equivalent to a BSOD (blue screen of death in windows operating systems). Because I usually need a guided run to learn something new (after which I'm fine on my own), and because I've yet to meet a woman that was willing to do that with me, I literally can't respond romantically at all...

2) He may have not had a woman show attraction to him in his lifetime, and therefore has it ingrained in his mind that women aren't supposed to like him. Therefore, you are an anomaly in the system... if an aspie gets some generalization like that into his head, it can almost become a fundamental law of the universe... Drawing from that, if you say you are attracted to him, you must be lying. (I'm not saying this is true, I'm just saying how he may interpret such a thing to be true)

3) He may very well not be attracted to you. Hopefully this is not the case (and there is evidence here to the contrary), but the possibility is there, so not listing it would be delusional.

My money is on #2. Whenever a woman hits on me (sometimes just talking favorably) without my knowing her for some time, the first thing that goes into my mind is "What is she trying to use me for?", since I've been used by women in such a manner... one time in high school I helped a girl cheat on a test... practically lifted the entire exam right on the spot as I was taking it (multiple choice)... all because I thought she liked me. Turns out she didn't even thank me for it, much less "like" me any further after that.

Once an aspie has been "used" enough in such a way, they snap out of the childlike naivete rather quickly and become all cynical and defensive (hence the abundance of those personality traits here on the forums). Eventually, they can learn to trust again, though such a process is very hard for most aspies.