I found porn pics of girls on boyfriends computer...

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Oh, no no, I'm not applying it to everyone. With the number of paraphilias and fetishes, or similar sexual things, going on out there, I couldn't. A lot of people masturbate to porn in a relationship just due to the fact that's the only way they can satisfy their paraphilic desires, and that I realize. Not that I think that's preferable to trying to work something else out if the partnership is miserable because of it.



Ideals often are tickets to disaster, no doubt, and I speak from experience. You think I'd learn, but I don't.

Just curious, what sort of expectations do you have?



It is open, and probably will always remain so. After lots of discussion with some scientist friends I had a while back, we pretty much had to conclude, at this point, humans are all over the place. There is so much variation it can't really be pinned down, and it's obviously especially messy due to cultural influences and such.

I'm very monogamous by nature (it actually seems genetic) for the most part, but once established, I often have those urges to look for certain young, virile, intelligent men. (Easy solution - keep the relationship unstable with lots of bickering! Wait, I'm a woman, I do that anyway. ) I assume this is a deeply wired way to acquire new material instead of the same old. I have no desire to be with them, and generally the urge isn't directly for sex, but it shows me on a personal where natural selection has brought us as humans.

Still, no need for porn unless I'm not established. Once I am, I'll settle for every position and location possible, just to keep it exciting. Beats the hell out of porn, and I definitely don't need multiple partners for that. I don't think couples spice up their sex lives enough.

Now I'm wondering if the watching of porn isn't actually a paraphilia, not always a mere addiction or habit.

Ask yourself:

What is the one thing you are very certain to find if you could browse through the computer of any male aged 12 - 80 ?


Knowing this, why are you worried?


When you go to the beach or go out anywhere, he will look at other women. When you go out with him to the beach or go out anywhere, you will look at other guys. Its normal.

Now, if you found that a significant portion of his hard disk space was filled with porn or that the porn looks a lot like girls he works/hangs out with then yeah, then you can worry.

Otherwise, seems to me your BF is no different than any other guy around. akuna matata

That because me and this other person seem to get on so well and she seems interested in me, I'm entitled to a relationship with her. That's happened to me maybe six or seven times over the years, and each time they weren't as interested as I thought they were (even if they more or less told me, which happened in one case) and either stopped talking to me or suddenly hooked up with someone else. Ever since I was about eighteen, the way I approach girls I'm interested in involves me trying to leave my options open and not expect very much from anyone. The only exception was a couple of months ago, which was the first time in about four years I really let my guard down and got burned.

Not to throw this thread off the tracks, but maybe you're hitting up the wrong women. You did say you go more for the narcissistic type.

Sorry to hear that, though. So long as it doesn't keep you from trying.

In retrospect, maybe some of these women had issues with maturity or narcissism as well and that played its own part, but I can't say that with any great deal of certainty. As for whether it's what I necessarily go for, I wouldn't necessarily say that about the women I'm trying to know in college, because they're mainly people I've only started speaking to in the past few weeks that I don't know much about. I'm trying to get to know as many different people (not necessarily interesting women) as possible, that's the only way I know to put oneself "out there".

Interesting observation, and I admire your analysis on this. However I must say that I did not mean or say that if someone in a relationship was attracted to someone else other than their significant other, that they would want to have a relationship with the person they are attracted to.

Like I said, most guys know they aren't going to date supermodels or any extremely voluptuous women as it is. So they will settle for what is sensible and reasonable, otherwise they will be alone for a long period of time. However guys know that they can look at porn and there is no severe repercussions for it, because the guy knows that he isn't intimately involved with the naked girl he's looking at . Sure, they might get admonished if they are caught doing it around females, but really there is no strings attached. It is like girls fantacizing about dating hunky movie stars, it is nothing but a silly fantasy to place them in a surreal state of mind from their usual repetitious lives.

Being in a gf/bf relationships doesn't mean that you won't find other people attractive, often times you will be attracted to other people of the opposite sex. In truth, you are not bound to your relationship if you don't want to. You can break up or cheat on your gf (I do not support such behavior).

I think in this girl's case, the guy hasn't had his sexual needs/physical needs fufilled, and he is looking for alternative sources to release his sexual desires, via porn.

As for masturbation, I may have said some things to betray the meaning of my words. I said it is something guys who have been single a long do to release their sexual frustrations. However I believe a lot, if not all, guys masturbate to release their sexual frustrations, but I believe they do it in moderations. However I meant that many (not all mind you) guys who haven't had their sexual needs met for long periods of time will turn to that method primarily because they have no girl to engage romantically/sexually with, and are probably more prone to engage it.

I'm sure guys in relationships masturbate as well, but they probably do it with less frequency considering they have a partner to fufill their romantic needs to some degree or another. That's my opinion.

What I read from this is that guys know they aren't going to date one of the Beautiful People, so they will settle for their girlfriend. But not only that, but also if they could leave their girlfriend for one of the Beautiful People, what's to stop them? That would put the commitment premise on already untenable ground. Also, I suspect that even many of the men who are dating one of the Beautiful People are sometimes thinking of other women as well, and not because they're not satisfied with their own sex lives. I hold a contrary position that while men and women may reserve the right to masturbate to porn which may feature people who are attractive in different ways to their partners, they still wouldn't necessarily leave said partners if they had the choice.

So, wait, I'm not quite sure what the point of porn [in a relationship] is, then, at least from everyone's personal standpoint who support. Is it just a safer way to be promiscuous? Is it a paraphilia in itself? I can't understand the purpose, aside from being an aid when nothing else is available, or a way to avoid problems within a relationship. Some guys seem scared of sex for one reason or another, even if they're not blatant about it, and I'm betting that would be a possible reason, as well. Intimacy issues seem likely, whatever the cause, and I'd bet mens' natural tendency to be less in tune may emotionally play a role. Then men I've known who've agreed with me on porn seemed to be almost as emotionally aware as the women I've known. I'm thinking this may not be coincidental.

I don't know how many women can view men as objects the way men view women as such, but I would doubt strongly women are as capable of doing so. With that in mind, my perspective is obviously not going to be in favour of most porn. It really rubs me the wrong way if a man feels he needs objects in his life in order to be sexually satisfied. I've actually found myself feeling much more accepting of my boyfriend's finding other women attractive based on their personalities, rather than their appearance. I also would feel really uncomfortable with the idea of him masturbating to me, my pictures, or fantasies, since I'm real and available. I realized lately that it's because I would have to turned into an object more than anything, something separate and therefore 'easier'.

So, porn for the act of actually getting off just seems like an escape to me. I can't really tell why else it would be so popular. Is it just because the men would like more women, and to be promiscuous, but their morals and values tell them that would be wrong, so they opt for the next best option? Does the fact they feel too inadequate to get these women actually factor in?

And why do these porn star women appeal more--is it cultural standards? In some cultures, they'd be considered more freakish than beautiful, so subjectivity is involved. In that case, it seems to be a monkey status thing; there's an article and dissertation floating around the internet now about how monkeys will 'pay' to stare at pictures of higher ranking monkeys, or females with nice features. But do we really need to fulfill that desire, and through porn? I think that's highly unlikely.

At any rate, I have no doubt at least some men could learn to prefer the woman they have, rather than be so sexually fickle as to indulge in regular masturbation to objects. Anything else reads to me to be at least a fetish. Alone, it makes sense. In a relationship, red flags go up for me. At very least people should probably be more inclined to discuss and question their actions in this regard. It would appear the majority of relationships these days are filled with a lack of awareness, communication, and bonding. I can't really wonder why.

s**t, that was tl;dr. Only the most persevering are going to wade through that long enough to see the end, probably only to make sure I don't hear the end of it.

This statement strikes me as somewhat odd, because first you say you're not sure what the point is and then you provide five possible reasons why it would be the case. The rest of what you're saying is in the sort of territory I don't feel too qualified to comment on, except that it strikes me as being a bit too presumptuous. Personally speaking I can foresee not wanting to dive into an "I'll only think of you" sort of mentality in a hypothetical relationship because as I've said, that's only ever led to trouble for me.

Chalk that up more to my problems in impulsive communication. I'm not entirely sure what the point is according to other's views, since all I hear is "it feels good," or other vague comments that don't lend to any real insight. So, I then went on to pose various possibilities that come to mind. None of them are conclusive, just ideals. I guess anyone can choose from the bunch whichever feels right, if any.

Exclusive relationships are hard for most people, anyway, even once you do get into them, I think, never mind before. And I think it's important to point out the difference between a deeper attraction to someone and limerence, which is obsessive or near-obsessive. I'm definitely not talking about the latter.

Still, I've known of a handful of successful, very long term relationships where porn wasn't used. It takes loads of open communication and understanding, trust and a lack of codependency. Obviously, these relationships are rare but possible; the dynamic between the couples is practically mythical these days. It just doesn't seem the desire is there anymore for such a union, if it ever was.

Hey, let me tell you something about guys okay. It's nothing personal if a boyfriend needs to jack-off okay? It's natural and you can't possibly be there EVERY TIME we need to do it! I'd say you're being unfair, not him. It's like telling someone not to drink water because he's in a relationship. A lot of women really don't get this.

So yes I will argue that.

If a man in a relationship truly loves his partner, he would probably be afraid of being underperforming in the sex category that to engage in sexual relations would be problematic for him. I know that it would definitely be a detriment to me in that scenario. I'm a virgin, and therefore by definition have no sex experience, so if I were to theoretically have sex with a hypothetical partner, I would be running the risk of her leaving me for being not only friggin ugly, but also lacking in the performance area. Most men feeling this will cover it up with a macho personality, while others will be genuinely concerned about it.

In addition, for an aspie, it's far easier to compartmentalize something. Being brought up in a culture where sex is often viewed as a separate physical act from love, often where each partner is depicted in popular media as merely an object of physical gratification of the other, will often make an aspie scared to have sex with someone he loves, since he would feel that he is treating his lover as an object merely by the act of sex itself. Therefore, he will apply all sexual energy to something that is an object, and therefore he would be able to love a woman without that fear.


I don't know why... To be honest, I think most porn star women I've seen are downright ugly. Not so much because of features, but because they are often depicted with way too much makeup, which to me conveys the image of "false".


The ball is in your court (so to speak)... Especially for aspies, who take the numerous falsehoods of what they see on TV literally, he may very well have this fear that he may actually be objectifying you by having sex with you, not by preferring porn to you... What you need to do is make him feel more comfortable of the idea of sex with you. He needs to know that however well (or not so well) he performs, you'll still love him all the same, and that he should just keep in mind that if he tries to please you during sex (as opposed to thinking only about himself), he isn't turning you into an object...


Not too long for me... If you want me to not read something, don't split it into paragraphs for me next time...

Sorry to break it to you like this but porn is man's best friend. I know they say dogs are, but that's a joke. The best sex most men have ever had in their lives was with themselves, so I don't know how you expect to compete. The ultimate truth of the matter is that porn was there before you were and it will be there long after you leave. It is the be all and end all of the man's world. It comes up like the sun in the mornings and tucks the man asleep at nights.

I also want to comment that they say dogs are a man's best friend and NOT women. What gives?

It's really sad how many men are afraid of their performance, even if it is understandable. For me, I don't care if the guy I'm choosing to have sex with is clumsy as all hell during sex, so long as we can share that moment, along with plenty of trust. And that's exactly it -- it takes tons of trust to really get over those anxieties. But while men are afraid of how their performance will be judged, women are often just as nervous about whether their face has a blemish, or if their tits are too small.

With such a fickle cultural sexuality, it's really no wonder this occurs. When some mens' biggest fear is whether their woman was faking that orgasm or not, I think we have a real problem.



This is a really awesome hypothesis! Wow, I hadn't actually considered that for people with AS, and I wouldn't doubt completely if other guys had really similar issues to that.

It actually reminds me a bit of what I studied on the Mehinacu of Brazil. In their culture, they undergo a sort of societal love repression, where feelings of limerence and deep bonding are ridiculed endlessly. Men treat the women shamelessly as objects when it comes to sex, and the women regularly prostitute themselves with most of the men in community in order to get goods for their family. To them, it's shameful to feel love for the one they're screwing.

That's a crude rundown of their sex lives, but you get the basic idea. Culture has a huge impact on how people approach sex, I have no doubt.



Gobs of makeup... [shiver]



Ugh, god, maybe you can convince him. He's too insecure about sex in general, and no matter how much I love him it doesn't seem to quite cut it. Not to mention he's damn fine in bed. I'm sure many men are, but I'm also pretty sure they defeat themselves by somehow convincing themselves they're not good enough.

The problem here is, as the woman, I need some reassurance as well. Men aren't the only one's performing, after all. There definitely needs to be a good balance, and open, honest feedback is the best way to go, both ways.



I CAN NOT read blocks of text. I've tried. It doesn't matter how incredibly interesting the got-damn subject is, I actually become unable to comprehend it or sit still. It's truly amazing. Better than security coding or encrypting the damn thing.

Performance is the end all be all for a man. This isn't how I want it to be or how our culture dictates. It is how any culture which cares about whether or not the woman has an orgasm views the subject. Producing can be nearly impossible for men, or all the way impossible in my sad case, and the options a woman has are to fake it, preserving the peace but fomenting resentment that will come out in other miserable ways, or to be honest, and potentially destroy not just the relationship but the man. Honesty was the choice of my ex-fiancee and I am one of those destroyed men.

-Frank

*grumbles* I swear women like to pick fights sometimes...