A question for all you nice guys

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I can prove he's not really a nice guy with one simple statement: He got a girlfriend. (namely, you...)

What's that supposed to mean?

We all take risks before and during relationships. Risks are part of what make us human, what makes us feel alive. You can't over-analyse these things, because you end up paralysing yourself. Cheaters aren't all so obvious, you can't just pick out everyone who's a cheat based on their history or what they look like. It's just one of the chances you take at the start of a relationship, like the chance you take crossing the street or driving your car.

If he was able to get a girlfriend, that rules him out as a nice guy, since we all know that girls don't like nice guys...

I was thinking this too...

I like men who treat me with respect. I don't like men who expect romantic reciprocation all the time. My ex tended to do that at times. He'd keep saying ''you still love me, right?'' You wouldn't know how annoying this is.

NaturalTherapist:

Try to be more understanding. He sounds like he is unsure of your feelings and it might be due to his upbringing. For example, people raised by alcoholics are frequently unsure of where they stand in relationships. I know it's annoying to hear someone always asking that, but he probably is seriously unsure. I can relate to him on that. One minute everything seems fine but you are always waiting for the other foot to drop. After a while it seems easier to just say to yourself that you are unlovable or that love doesn't exist. It takes away all the heartache, suspicion, and anxiety. People in this state will often sabotage relationships just to get what they think is the horrible inevitable part over with.

Oops! I meant the ex that cheated on me. I haven't been in any relationships prior to or after that one.

Well that concludes what the future holds for "nice guys". I guess all the "nice guys" have nothing to look forward to now on this forum or in the real world.

Most of the "nice" guys I've known didn't fit very well into these stereotypes that you've mentioned. I was friends with one guy who liked to play some sports but was never big on it and he didn't really fit the jock stereotype. I knew another guy who was into arts, shockingly he's not gay and presently in a relationship with a girl who's career field involves commercial art.

My uncle was a latebloomer and has always been introverted. I've often wondered if he maybe he fit somewhere in the PDD-NOS category but that would probably be me reflecting myself onto his similar traits such as myself....

He's been married for 5 years and they are one couple I look up to who are happy together. I would say half of their relationship is friendship and half of it is intimate since they're openly affectionate.

Anyway, I think there's something to be said with Letum's post. These generalizations are just too black and white. People aren't going to fit perfectly into these extreme traits that you mention unless you can elaborate without putting so much pity on yourself and all the women in the dating world or whatever.

That doesn't mean I don't disagree that there are a number of women who are attracted to the guys that go for the jerk image. I call it the thug b/c that's what I see in my town. In fact I never could relate or see any attraction into these type of guys...seriously. They come off to fake for me. I got involved with one only cos my self-esteem was real low at the time and I didn't know much about men. Didn't turn out good at all, in fact I think I had trust issues with many guys just because of this one guy.

Anyway just thought I'd share a little from my view, I think it'd be good if people could share some of their experiences on this forum without being put down or ridiculed with assumptions. That is trying to understand where the other gender is coming from. I know it isn't easy to relate to women since most of the guys on here don't happen to be women. As for me, I'm trying to understand where some of you guys are coming from that really do feel down in their luck. But realize women are just as human as guys so when rejections come, I know they affect both sexes in upsetting ways.

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Last edited by ImTheGuyThatDidThat on 21 Dec 2008, 10:34 am, edited 1 time in total.

Well 'nice guy' is very subjective. It's not like there's a 'nice guy club' that he was a card holder of. The fact that he cheated on you shows that he isn't and probably never was what we'd call nice.

I'm sorry to hear that he cheated like that. You must feel even more betrayed since you thought that he wasn't like that.

It happens. My answer ... he was weak. When I say weak I mean weak of will power, temptation is all around and when he got what he wanted i.e. a girlfriend he began to gain a flase sense of self and because of this easily fell prey to the darkness of cheating.

Also another factor is life experience, this might have been his first relationship and therfore he did not know how to handle himself or his "urges" especially to an aspie that would be very unfamiliar territory...

Personally for me, lying to my "wife" is never an option.

Complete honesty is a must. Oddly enough I was under the influence that was a natural aspie trait... hmm interesting.

-Zane

Total honesty? No way. I'm honest usually but when dealing with people I don't like, say certain family members, it helps. When it deals with relationships though, that requires total honesty otherwise it's not going to work. I like when people are honest about what they feel. I'm not that sensitive.

Wow, that's me.

And I grew up in an alcoholic home.

My problem contributes to the fact that I'm totally confused with myself in any given relationship. I've always felt like a question mark whenever an opportunity arrose or whenever a relationship was happening. I get confused to the point that I can't hold a steady relationship lest they find out who I really am. However, I don't really know who I am or why I'm hiding it.

Ok, got off topic. Sorry.

Continue....

"Cheating?" Or was he pretending to not know you when she approached? Or was he just focused completely on her, ignoring you?

1. There is no monolithic "nice guy" or "bad guy" contract; he lied b/c he's a coward, a weasel or he's innocent
2. Every guy will tell you he's not like all those other _____ who either hurt you before or who you don't like.
(No guy will say "I'm just like all those jocks you don't like")
3. If he's flirting, he might be better-dealing you: parking with you until a better deal (girl) comes along

Or were you jealous of his attention being attracted by another girl, like he forgot you were there? Something he couldn't help? If so, you might drive him away.

Hard to tell how what you describe in your short note is "cheating". I didn't read all posts in the thread.

There is no such thing as a Nice Guy, Bad Boy, etc. People are just people. Some are honest in a relationship, some are not. You got one of the ones that isn't. it's as simple as that.