Dating an AS guy...would like some advice.

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Yes and I apologize if my post sounded rude, it was not intended to be.

I guess you have a difficult situation here. Realy, no one ever really knows what another person is hiding. How many wives have found out that their husbands cheated with a guy when he showed no outward signs of being gay at all? Quite a few, I beleive. So I guess what I am saying is that there always is the possibility.

I know that doesn't really help but perhaps you just have to look within yourself instead of at him. Do you trust him? Are you willing to love him anyway, even if he did turn out gay? If this is so disturbing to you, perhaps the answer is 'no'.

It's what I do...

It's rare for an aspie to say this to an NT, but I think you may be overanalyzing the situation... When you're trying to learn how an aspie responds nonverbally (and they do, just not in the same way as NT's), you're trying to learn a new language. And just as different languages and different cultures put a different value on certain things, so it is the same here. People often go on about how aspies don't follow body language and can't produce it. But one thing I've learned (for myself anyway) is that I can "read" other aspies nonverbally quite easily, being an aspie myself. That's where I derive my "new language" metaphor from...


Then here's what you do. Make it a habit that every time you see him, you make a remark (doesn't have to be overblown, just an off-the-cuff comment will do... the only important part is that you actually say it so that it's clear that he picked it up) about how good-looking he is. He will most likely disregard that at first. This may take months (or even years in some extreme cases or if there isn't regular contact between you two), and all throughout this time, he might even get a little annoyed at it. However, repitition is the easiest way to get said point across until he finally believes it.


Again that is related to what I said earlier: aspie friendships tend to be much deeper than normal friendships (to the point of almost being adopted family in a sense)... If he says he loves you, and he's not one of those people that is both bisexual AND believes in polygamous relationships, he's most likely not seeing that other guy in any romantic fashion...


He may not have any female friends for many reasons... for starters, he could be in an environment that doesn't put him in contact with many women, or he could just find men easier to understand, since men are usually much more about function than form, and AS is the extreme extension of that particular mindset...

And remember, if you need any help with this, my PM inbox is always open to any questions you may have...

I think she was talking about emoal6, not you...

You were not rude at all and i appreciate your replies.

Actually, i trust this person more than i think i have trusted anyone else i have met thus far.
His honesty is refreshing. I only sound like an over analytical worry wart on this thread because I am just trying to find answers since i really do like this man and could see myself becoming much more serious.

I am a fact finder and I just like to be informed before making any decisions, thus my probing and indepth quetsions I have put here.

Thanks again.

If he is passionate in bed with you then he isn't gay... maybe bi but not gay. It sounds like you are put off by his effeminate qualities (even if he is 100% straight) and feel threatened by the "gay love" he's attracting. This could get worse over time.

I am not put off by his effiminate qualities at all. I am a fairly assertive woman who enjoys a lot of male dominated things so our dynamic works very well. Just so i am clear, there is nothing about his looks or mannerisms that turn me off. But because they are effiminate in SOME ways and some of the other things i mentoined i just wanted to be sure i was not dating a man in the closet. I could deal with him being Bi but i have no interest in a man who is in denial, hence the posts. My posts are only this over analytical as i am trying to fact find.

I do not, however, like the 'gay love' you refer to he attracts, you are correct in that, even tho he doesn't seem to be doing anyhting to attract it, it bothers me. HOwever, it is what it is because i can tell you i would not feel any better and maybe even worse if it were women flirting with him in the same manner. So even tho it bothers me, it might not be his fault and that is what i am trying to figure out. if it happens due to nothing he is doing to encourage it then it is something that while annoying, i can live with since it does not happen on an everyday basis. We all deal with pesky issues in any relationship so I am not going to let that get to me too much, i am sure there are things that I will do that bother him as well. NOthing in life is perfect. LOL I have men flirt with me sometimes when we are out and i do not encourage it, and he deals with that, so i can deal with the men flirting with him so long as i know it is innocent on his part if that makes sense.

But again i dont mind the effiminate qualities...and he looks very masculine. actually his personality and mine coincide exremely well. my ex was a bit aggressive/assertive and we locked horns all the time. I do well with someone more easy going as they keep me more calm and relaxed and not all keyed up.

All of the replies i am getting on this thread are very helfpul. I really thank you all for taking time to reply to me. Also i type very fast and occasionally transpose letters but it should be easy to make out what they read, so thanks to those of you who bear with me!

Last edited by JennaJ on 30 Dec 2008, 3:15 pm, edited 3 times in total.

Your invite to PM you if needed is EXTREMELY thoughtful and helpful of you> I am sure there might be an occasion where I do just that! Thanks a bunch ToS!

You wrote:

Again that is related to what I said earlier: aspie friendships tend to be much deeper than normal friendships (to the point of almost being adopted family in a sense)... If he says he loves you, and he's not one of those people that is both bisexual AND believes in polygamous relationships, he's most likely not seeing that other guy in any romantic fashion...


You hit that nail on the head! as for all of his friends - he IS like adopted family because they are so close. I went to one of his friends parent's house for christmas and they greet him like he is one of their own sons...its like that for him with most all of his friends. i Have no issues with that, i think it is great. it is only a bit odd when he gets upset when childhood friends dont return calls or grown adult cousins dont email him back right away, I try to tell him that is ok, they have busy lives non of this means they dont like you or not care about you. He gets extremely offended when people don t keep in touch where i am opposite, i dont even talk to anyone i knew in highschool or gradeschool and my family isn't close so i dont even see cousins either...there is no right or wrong it is just frustrating when i see him get upset over lack of response from these people in his past.

Unfortunately there is no way to know this-- if he is in totally in the closet, even in denial to himself, you will never find gay porn or any other obvious clues to satisfy your worry. And he certainly won't admit it to you.

However I find it very unlikely that a truly gay man could have a passionate time with a woman in bed... I do know of a lady whose husband came out of the closet during her marriage and they had a great sex life (pre-coming out of the closet) but all the other tales I've heard of gay spouses involved a dismal sex life and eventually catching them with gay porn or a gay lover. I have a friend whose wife came out of the closet so I've heard a lot of stories from him. He ended up joining a support group for straight spouses of people who turned out to be gay or lesbian.

Yea, i know, sometimes we just never know, i just inquired on this for one major reason - to see if there was a plausible chance that the things that i was 'reading' from him COULD be attributed to AS and not necessarily that he is gay. I think what i am hearing from everyone is that the likelihood that he is gay is low. That is really all I hoped to garner from this since i know no one here has a magic eight ball or anything, but the responses you all have given me are very helpful.

I also am enjoying this forum because it is giving me more insight into people who have AS because my goal is to be a good girlfriend to him and that would mean being an understanding one. I can understand him better by understanding AS better and you guys are really helping me out here. Even if we were to break up in the future, understanding this is helpful because I like to be as educated as I can on many different topics. The info i glean here can be helpful in other future friendships, etc.

So in summary it seems to me that:

1) if he is seemingly very physically attracted to me and sexually we are very active and he seems very "into it" that the likelihood of him being able to feign all of this and live this lie is low, particularly because for folks with AS living some type of double life like this would be extremely hard as they are usually very straightforward.
2) to stop trying to assume he doesn't mean what he says and that there is some hidden agenda and to learn to take him for face value. This has been hard for me due to a past relatioship with someone who was very dishonest. I learned to keep my guard up. I have to learn to take it down.
3) Some of the qualities I am taking for "gay" might in fact be over compensation for growing up being teased as a child about his appearance. It makes sense that he feels he has to strive harder than the average NT to gain acceptance, and because he was ridiculed when young that could account for the meticulous care in selecting his wardrobe, the working out, making sure his hair is well kept, and well manicured, etc. Despite these traits, however, in many ways he is still a rough and tumble guy who burps, farts, watches football, plays with R/C automobiles, tinkers under his hood, is extremely chivalrous, etc. Not trying to stereotype the typical male with all this, just identifying he is not feminine generally, only in appearance for himself and his house.
4) the friendships with only men and the fact that some are gay is likely attributed to the fact that he can more easily communicate with men as pretense with guys is more minimal than with many women. We can be far more complex and harder to read in conversation. Because he is attractive and his AS can be mistaken for gay that makes sense that gay males are drawn to him and they become friends. I remember he did tell me that he was hit on by a couple of males in highschool (after my asking him once if he was gay and explained to him why i thought this) and he wuold say to them HEY wait a minute, I'm not gay!
5) it is likely that he does not even notice the flirtations, and I don't believe he does. As one poster here pointed out, his non AS male friends during conversations would stop to ogle a hot female whereas he would not understand why they were distracted. this is JUST like my b/f. I have seen him talking in depth to his guy friends and they swerve the head to look at a female and he smoetimes almost looks dumfounded, and upon realizing what the distraction was he rolled his eyes at them as if to say "stupid guys". I witnessed this once or twice when we all were out at the pub. He seems to not notice his surroundings much when he is talking. He is the kind of guy who gives FULL attention to the person he is talking to. He seems genuinely confused when they get so easily distracted. He has even shared with me that this world is way to sex driven and that it is disgusting how some males act around women. He can see a woman who is pretty without drooling or being affected by it much. I have noticed an occasional head turn if an extrmeely striking woman were to walk by, but then again my head turns too LOL beacuse pretty people are interesting to look at, but he has never ever done it while conversing with someone.

I really care about the guy or i wouldn't have bothered trying to seek some answers. I feel that the two of us have personality types that is rather harmonious and being knowledgeable about AS can certainly help me to be more understanding and compassionate. He is such a sweet man I only want the best for him.

Sounds like an excellent conclusion to me

I love how you all can ONLY see the negative In my written form.(Im rude?) Pay no attention to the context, or why it was written. You think you understand what Im saying but you overlook the details that matter. I had plenty of good written, you just didn't understand where I was coming from(wait that's right, you're not on the spectrum!)

Pointing out the spelling errors was simply showing that everything can and will be judged by others. If that's the case(which it is), than he would use that as a reason to keep himself in shape, and in style. You state in a later post that I was correct in my assumptions he grew up overweight and out of style. I guess there was a reason behind me saying that then, maybe I was like him before?

And the controlling of emotions, was merely put in a generalization. Sure, I can hold back tears amongst my peers, much like any other. What I meant though, is when a moment in time becomes too much to bear for us, it can be simply sparked by a song or words spoken. Maybe toad of steel is less impaired than I am, maybe not, but I was speaking of the spectrum in general, not just your case or mine.

The friendship thing? I was showing that aspies take friendship more seriously. When someone actually ascends to that level with us, we will stop short of nothing in what we will do for them. How much we care about them. But you want to act like its normal for people to stop being friends with you.

That implies you've ruined friendships on PURPOSE before.(that you've "moved on" from others, or they you) We don't do that on purpose. We dont cheat with our best friends girl/guy, or spread rumors. Until they drive the wedge between us, Nothing we do that annoys you or whatnot is done on PURPOSE, its just who we are.

In other words, we never know what it is we've done to piss you off and why you'd cut ties with us, until its WAY TOO LATE. Why would we accept a simple statement such as "people move on". We don't move on, not unless we're forced to.

And what the op originally posted showed signs of paranoia(Is my boyfriend gay cause he's stylish and works out and actually cares about me?). You took my last line as a blow against your self esteem, like a fool. I merely stated it was more likely he'd lose interest in you than him being gay(as the reason for a breakup). That is, at least with what information you've posted(Remember, aspies do lose interest in some of their obsessions along the way, not uncommon).

Stop taking everything so offensively, and understand not everyone responds to questions the way you would. You all took my arguments, my devil's advocacy, as antagonism. Im merely showing the other side of the coin being flipped here. Seems others cant see that side, I do. Pay more attention to why, not what; it'll get you better answers.

I got just fine answers thank you very much. I do not think you do others with AS a very good service by acting like everyone with AS communicates this way.

You are judging me for my response to you, yet your first post to me you assumed and judged me right off the bat, and assumed that I had no compassion for my b/f and that i am some idiot who sits around and judges people - you don't even know me! I think my posts very clearly state my feelings and compassion for my boyfriend and I think my concerns were valid. And in this latest post you call me a fool. Sorry, but I am not ignorant and don't care to be spoken down to in that manner. If you only want to toss around insults, I will do just fine with the advice that has been given to me by the others who took their time to try to help vs criticize me. I absolutely did not think he might gay based on his fashion or working out alone. Obviously there was a myriad of actions and other events that led me to wonder, but one cannot address every single thing, mannerism, etc in but one or two posts, even tho i did try to be thorough. It was hopeful that people reading my post would understand that if i had this concern, it was for good reason and not derived over a few minor things. If that were the case many men could be considered gay and I dont go around thinking that. But in his case there were some very odd things that i wondered perhaps were attributed to AS, hence my asking others the questions that I did. If i didn't think there was a chance that it was NOT due to being gay i would not have bothered to ask, and just moved on from him believing he must be gay. Instead you took my questions about my b/f as an attack to everyone who has AS.

And telling me that I will drive him away based on one post was RUDE. If you want to give someone a good message try doing it without attacking them. I am no more able to read your mind for intent then you were able to read mine, but the difference is my post didn't warrant insults. I do not think AS is an excuse to treat people poorly. My first post was not arrogant nor was it attacking my B/F. I came to an advice forum seeking advice, not a spelling lesson or for you to tell me that one post is enough info to reflect he will leave me.

Instead of attacking my perceived lack of attention to detail, work on your own perhaps? You may have some good advice to give but when it is cloaked in insults it gets overlooked. I appreciate the parts of your post that was actually advice, but AS is not an excuse to talk to people like they are ignorant. On a forum we only have mere words to go by, thus if your words are combative they will likely be met likewise.

That's very true. I had no idea my former fiance was gay or bi until I dropped by his place on the way home from work one night and found him in bed with another man.

Tbh, I'm not sure I agree with this. I had no complaints whatsoever with my former fiance in the bedroom department. I had no idea my former fiance was gay or bi until I dropped by his place on the way home from work one night and found him in bed with another man. I still, to this day, don't know whether he's a very repressed and in denial gay man or whether he's bi, because he's since always refused to discuss the details with me.

My ex was great in bed. I had no complaints whatsoever with my former fiance in the bedroom department. I had no idea my former fiance was gay or bi until I dropped by his place on the way home from work one night and found him in bed with another man. I still, to this day, don't know whether he's a very repressed and in denial gay man or whether he's bi, because he's since always refused to discuss the details with me.

Well i do not think bi is an excuse to cheat. I do know several people who are bi in relationships and they strongly are committed. If they cheat with a member of same or opposite sex, they know it is cheating. so in my opinion if your ex was bi, he was just plain outright a cheater. Some people just have the capacity to cheat, and others don't, like myself. I'll leave a person before I will betray them if i found myself strongly enough attracted to someone else to have sex with them. Whether he was bi or gay, I am sorry he cheated on you. That is a deep betrayal whether one is straight or gay, or bi.

I wouldn't really have issues if he were bi, because he is a person who stands by a commitment, so if he truly liked both sexes but committed to me, i dont think he'd stray. He definitely is a loyal person both to me, to friends, his job, his family, etc. It is only if he were forcing himself to be straight for his family or society that i would be really bothered by it because that would be living a lie, and i am a very honest person.

I think he is the type who ever married who would never cheat, altho of course no one knows anything 100%, but his family values and morals seem stronger than most people i have met.

One thing that i noticed was i have a friend who is married to a guy who is one of those men who look very outwardly gay. not really much ambiguity, he just looks really feminine and very gay, and every stereotype that is out there for a gay man, he has. NOw i am not saying he IS gay, but to the onlooker it seems obvious. I introduced this man and my friend to my B/F once and later he looked in shock and said, that guy is gay why did he marry that girl? and i said i dont know, he does seem to be gay but i just dont know...and he said, wow, that seems wrong. i wonder if he is in denial? He looked really disgusted that a person could be with someone and in such denial and it seemed so plausible it made me think if that is what he is doing he sure seems staunchly against it.

But i dont know, maybe sometimes we just never know. I know a woman who also found her husband in bed with another man and she NEVER once suspected, and neither did any of us. So sometimes there are zero signs, and i assume sometimes there are signs, but are false. Sometimes maybe they are not.

I jsut really don't know. I sometimes wonder if many men and women don't have a bi tendency. I have known so many people that seemed to be able to go either way that i question if the world really is as black and white as i would like to think.

Hi, all I'm new here! Am a NT F, dating an Aspie for 2+ years. Jenna, I thought my Aspie bf might be gay for the same reasons you mentioned above. After all this time, and much honest talk, I am sure that he is very straight. However, he greatly prefers to date "dominant" women. That's about all I have for you. Good luck!