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Does love can be pain?

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MissConstrue
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07 Jan 2009, 1:32 pm

kaytie wrote:
i think because true love isn't suppose to be
romantic but more of a responsibility and
giving of yourself, which leaves you at the mercy
of the one you love, i mean emotionally you're
at risk because you're never 100% certain that
the object of your affection will remain faithful to you or
will love you unconditionally.


I'll just go along with this scenario since that's been my observation in most relationships that weren't destructive. However, many people here make love sound more bad than I think it really is. My only problem is reciprocating all the emotions or that which is "suppose" to be expressed as love.....like you see in movies or shows. Either that or it's my AS, I don't know which.

I've seen people in pretty stable relationships like my aunt and uncle. They both have been married for about 8 years and still hold eachother's hands and talk highly of eachother even when they're apart. That's one positive aspect I've seen in relationships as well as staying faithful. My dad never did that crap to my mom so in that regard I feel lucky.


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Shadow50
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07 Jan 2009, 9:19 pm

Irada wrote:
In my experience, love is evil. It tears you into pieces, destroys you soul, your very being. You can never let go of true love. Its pain always remains with you. Forever a burden. So yes.


Only if you fight it. Finding a way to live with it can make it bearable and even pleasant.


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Irada
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08 Jan 2009, 4:19 am

Shadow50 wrote:
Irada wrote:
In my experience, love is evil. It tears you into pieces, destroys you soul, your very being. You can never let go of true love. Its pain always remains with you. Forever a burden. So yes.


Only if you fight it. Finding a way to live with it can make it bearable and even pleasant.

How can you find a way to live with being in love with someone who doesn't feel the same way about you? How does that become bearable, let alone pleasant? Do enlighten me.



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08 Jan 2009, 10:33 am

Irada wrote:
How can you find a way to live with being in love with someone who doesn't feel the same way about you? How does that become bearable, let alone pleasant? Do enlighten me.

Then you're loving the wrong people. That doesn't mean all love is bad, just unrequited love.


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Irada
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08 Jan 2009, 11:21 am

Kirska wrote:
Irada wrote:
How can you find a way to live with being in love with someone who doesn't feel the same way about you? How does that become bearable, let alone pleasant? Do enlighten me.

Then you're loving the wrong people. That doesn't mean all love is bad, just unrequited love.

I can't choose who I love or who I fall in love with. As far as I'm concerned, love has a bad track record and thats not changing any time soon, perhaps ever. For starters, I don't think I'll ever open up again after what happened. Hence why I shall never love again. And second of all, I don't think there's a person in this world who could ever love me for who and what I am. Love destroyed me.



Shadow50
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08 Jan 2009, 9:45 pm

Irada wrote:
How can you find a way to live with being in love with someone who doesn't feel the same way about you? How does that become bearable, let alone pleasant? Do enlighten me.


Kirska wrote:
Then you're loving the wrong people. That doesn't mean all love is bad, just unrequited love.


Irada wrote:
I can't choose who I love or who I fall in love with. As far as I'm concerned, love has a bad track record and thats not changing any time soon, perhaps ever. For starters, I don't think I'll ever open up again after what happened. Hence why I shall never love again. And second of all, I don't think there's a person in this world who could ever love me for who and what I am. Love destroyed me.


You are right, once the body chemistry kicks in, you have no conscious control, and that's where trying to exercise control, and fight your feelings becomes painful. Very, very painful. And it can be soul destroying.

You are much too young, especially for an aspie, to be saying "not any time soon" or "never again". In my experience, most aspies experience the flow of life, including romance, at a much slower pace than typpies. Give yourself time. Don't trouble yourself if others find romance more quickly than you do.

To Kirska, unrequited love isn't bad ... it's just harder to deal with. Most true love is unrequited. It's a fact of life.

I love someone who doesn't return my feelings. Have done for four years. Fighting it nearly destroyed me ... I had to find a way to live with it. Actually, love is too mild a word ... Limerent is more appropriate.

You need to find your own way to do it, but it is possible to love someone and not expect anything in return. You have to love them a lot, and love them unselfishly. It is hard to set them free, but it is possible, and necessary. Just be their friend. But don't ever preclude anything the future may hold.

Irada, try not to go back to being shut down ... it will only slow things down for you tremendously ... I know, because I spent most of my life there and I would not wish that on anyone else.


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mitharatowen
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08 Jan 2009, 10:04 pm

That is very beautiful, Shadow. I'm not sure that I will ever be able to do that.



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08 Jan 2009, 10:24 pm

Irada wrote:
I can't choose who I love or who I fall in love with. As far as I'm concerned, love has a bad track record and thats not changing any time soon, perhaps ever. For starters, I don't think I'll ever open up again after what happened. Hence why I shall never love again. And second of all, I don't think there's a person in this world who could ever love me for who and what I am. Love destroyed me.

When I was 17 I was saying the same thing, and I'm married now. You have a lot of your life ahead of you.


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08 Jan 2009, 10:26 pm

mitharatowen wrote:
That is very beautiful, Shadow. I'm not sure that I will ever be able to do that.


Thanks, Mithara. You are young, too, and have plenty of time.

We never really know what we are capable of until we are put to the test.

I once used to convince myself that a lot of things were not possible. I now advocate a different approach: Decide what you want to achieve, then put your energy into working out how to do it.

PS: If your avatar is a picture of yourself, then you are very beautiful.


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Irada
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09 Jan 2009, 8:26 am

Shadow50 wrote:
You are right, once the body chemistry kicks in, you have no conscious control, and that's where trying to exercise control, and fight your feelings becomes painful. Very, very painful. And it can be soul destroying.

You are much too young, especially for an aspie, to be saying "not any time soon" or "never again". In my experience, most aspies experience the flow of life, including romance, at a much slower pace than typpies. Give yourself time. Don't trouble yourself if others find romance more quickly than you do.

To Kirska, unrequited love isn't bad ... it's just harder to deal with. Most true love is unrequited. It's a fact of life.

I love someone who doesn't return my feelings. Have done for four years. Fighting it nearly destroyed me ... I had to find a way to live with it. Actually, love is too mild a word ... Limerent is more appropriate.

You need to find your own way to do it, but it is possible to love someone and not expect anything in return. You have to love them a lot, and love them unselfishly. It is hard to set them free, but it is possible, and necessary. Just be their friend. But don't ever preclude anything the future may hold.

Irada, try not to go back to being shut down ... it will only slow things down for you tremendously ... I know, because I spent most of my life there and I would not wish that on anyone else.

I’m not bothered by experiencing the flow of life, even romance, at a slower pace compared to most NT’s. While I may be young, you must agree with me when I say it’s not easy to simply forget such pain, to simply erase it and move on. Unrequited love, Limerent, heartbreak, all of them really change you. I can’t imagine how you managed to find a way to live with loving someone who didn’t return your feelings, I myself can barely manage.

Sure, it is possible to love someone and not expect anything in return, to love them unselfishly, but I can’t keep doing that. I can’t simply stand by and watch her as she has her heart broken by ever other guy she dates. It kills me. It destroys me.
Kirska wrote:
When I was 17 I was saying the same thing, and I'm married now. You have a lot of your life ahead of you.

I don’t have a life ahead of me. I have nothing. I AM nothing.


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09 Jan 2009, 9:27 am

Kirska wrote:
Irada wrote:
I can't choose who I love or who I fall in love with. As far as I'm concerned, love has a bad track record and thats not changing any time soon, perhaps ever. For starters, I don't think I'll ever open up again after what happened. Hence why I shall never love again. And second of all, I don't think there's a person in this world who could ever love me for who and what I am. Love destroyed me.

When I was 17 I was saying the same thing, and I'm married now. You have a lot of your life ahead of you.

Irada wrote:
I don’t have a life ahead of me. I have nothing. I AM nothing.

Dude, I was saying the same stuff two years ago myself, when I was 17. Now I'm engaged to be married to the one I love.

Really, the only thing you can do about your problems is to find some way to break out of that mindset. For some it takes longer than others, but until you get out of that mindset, it will continue to justify itself by killing any chances you have at a normal relationship, or finding the one you love. You just need to break out of the mindset, and focus on boosting some of your social skills, and getting out. Once you do so, love will find you. You just need to recognize when it shoots off signal flares. ;)

Just try to remember, you're not alone in this. A lot of the older ones here have gone through the same stuff. Learning to get over that mindset is one of the primary reasons we're even halfway capable of finding love.

As far as love being painful, it can be. The reason for that is true love opens up the heart, and all its vulnerabilities to the person already capable of hurting you most. If you don't open up the heart, your 'relationship' is already doomed to failure. Personally, I don't start opening up my heart until a lot of my romantic feelings are being reciprocated. At that point I begin opening up little by little, until they see the full me. It seems to work well.



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09 Jan 2009, 9:35 am

I define true love as being very in love or lust with some sexually but mostly it because you love them very much and respect them as your best friend and as a person.
True love never dies.



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12 Jan 2009, 7:18 pm

Irada wrote:
I can’t imagine how you managed to find a way to live with loving someone who didn’t return your feelings, I myself can barely manage.

Sure, it is possible to love someone and not expect anything in return, to love them unselfishly, but I can’t keep doing that. I can’t simply stand by and watch her as she has her heart broken by ever other guy she dates. It kills me. It destroys me.


It doesn't happen quickly. Took me 5 months to come to terms with it.

You are right, the greatest pain is when the one you love gets hurt.

CerebralDreamer ^^ makes a lot of good points. Well worth considering.


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12 Jan 2009, 8:41 pm

CerebralDreamer wrote:
Irada wrote:
I don’t have a life ahead of me. I have nothing. I AM nothing.

Dude, I was saying the same stuff two years ago myself, when I was 17. Now I'm engaged to be married to the one I love.

Really, the only thing you can do about your problems is to find some way to break out of that mindset. For some it takes longer than others, but until you get out of that mindset, it will continue to justify itself by killing any chances you have at a normal relationship, or finding the one you love. You just need to break out of the mindset, and focus on boosting some of your social skills, and getting out. Once you do so, love will find you. You just need to recognize when it shoots off signal flares. ;)

Just try to remember, you're not alone in this. A lot of the older ones here have gone through the same stuff. Learning to get over that mindset is one of the primary reasons we're even halfway capable of finding love.

Consider yourself lucky... you can actually get a girlfriend (I'm assuming it's girlfriend since your profile lists you as a male... correct me if i'm wrong...), and get engaged to her, and you're not even 20 yet... I'm older than you, and I know for a fact that there are some people destined to be loved, such as yourself, and others, such as me (and possibly Irada, can't be sure though) that will never find anyone...

I consider myself, on the surface anyway, to be a successful person. I am successfully getting through college (on track to graduate in either 2010 or 2011, depending on how many classes I have to retake), have at least some social skills worth a damn, and spend lots of time volunteering at a church, doing all kinds of stuff ranging from audio work to choir to youth group leader.

But for all of that, I can just tell... I'm never going to find anyone. Some people are just cursed like that...

Quote:
As far as love being painful, it can be. The reason for that is true love opens up the heart, and all its vulnerabilities to the person already capable of hurting you most. If you don't open up the heart, your 'relationship' is already doomed to failure. Personally, I don't start opening up my heart until a lot of my romantic feelings are being reciprocated. At that point I begin opening up little by little, until they see the full me. It seems to work well.

Just consider yourself lucky you've had that chance...



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13 Jan 2009, 1:09 am

ToadOfSteel wrote:
Consider yourself lucky... you can actually get a girlfriend (I'm assuming it's girlfriend since your profile lists you as a male... correct me if i'm wrong...), and get engaged to her, and you're not even 20 yet... I'm older than you, and I know for a fact that there are some people destined to be loved, such as yourself, and others, such as me (and possibly Irada, can't be sure though) that will never find anyone...

I consider myself, on the surface anyway, to be a successful person. I am successfully getting through college (on track to graduate in either 2010 or 2011, depending on how many classes I have to retake), have at least some social skills worth a damn, and spend lots of time volunteering at a church, doing all kinds of stuff ranging from audio work to choir to youth group leader.

But for all of that, I can just tell... I'm never going to find anyone. Some people are just cursed like that.


In my experience, things do happen more slowly for aspies. Don't despair.

One problem I have, that you may share, is that I don't recognise the signals when someone is interested in me till it is too late. Maybe some study on this kind of recognition might help. It's too late for me, but should be of benefit to the younger generation.


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13 Jan 2009, 1:17 am

Unlike most of the NT parents'-age people, I remember 17. Everything was painful. Most guys haven't got their brains out of their...well, never mind..;) at that age.

You have loads of time ahead of you, to find love. Hang in there.