So I've decided...

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Well that is advice that is more sound than the "you're a f**king idiot" I've been getting throughout this thread, and something I can work with... Yeah, I'll give that a shot and see how it works. I don't think it would end all the misery of having to deal with friends' partners entirely, but overall that seems to be the best solution...

Hey Toad....I have made a similar decision, and guess what....it sucks. Listen to the friends here telling you not to do it. The loneliness grows like a cancer, and you eventually do not even have the friends left you thought were safe, because the loneliness sits on your forhead like a inconspicuous pink elephant. They get weary of hanging with a person that is always depressed.

Believe me, I would rather deal with with them talking to me of their partners than not have anyone talk to me.

Do a little experiment, perfect for Aspies. Make a mental count of the amount of topics discussed and what percentage actually deals with their partners. We sometimes tend to focus and pick out only that which is most prominent in our minds, and that becomes ovewhemling.

I am just concerned that you might cause yourself to lose out.

I understand why you came up with this idea, seeing people in relationships will only make you feel more lonely, but I don't think it's a good idea.

Why? Because no matter where you go or who you see in this life, someone will be in a relationship, and you will be reminded of it in some way or another. Relationships are a part of life, and simply refusing to be around people in them is just silly.


I'll tell you what conclusion I have come to. I've been single 22 years now, and in that time, I have been very lonely and often grew upset at being alone and being constantly reminded by my loneliness. At first, I thought this "girls are only into bad boys" cliche' was true, then I discounted it, and now I believe in it once again.

I realize now that women our age (most, not all) often make poor and rash decisions concerning their romantic partners, and in fact, they do tend to like more arrogant and mischievous characters. That's fine, because once they're older and on their own, they're going to have to realize that while dating such guys was fun back then, they're going to have to make wiser decisions when they're older.

Quite frankly, I stopped caring about women romantically because I know this, and it is true. Most of them are not mature enough to realize this yet, but someday they will. And when they day comes around, I might be around, I might not be, I accept things as they are now.

Well the idea was that if all my friends (i.e., those I were around all the time) were single, it would mean that all of us could be ourselves a bit more, and we could all walk a bit easier knowing that, even if we were all single, none of us were alone...


Well I've come to the conclusion that, whether they like bad boys or not, I'm pretty much never going to get a girlfriend... I've met single prospective partners that were close to my age or younger, and I've met prospective partners that were a few years older. Regardless of age, some were much more mature than others. All of them thought I was too weird for them... and often they would even patronize me by going "oh well you'll find someone eventually..."

So yeah, as I said, girlfriend is out of the question at this point, regardless of how much (very much) I really want to have one...

Worry not about that, whether you are taking this decision or not , this what is going to happen soon or later. Your friendship bond with taken people is going to diminish by itself for 3 reasons:

1- The more you and your friends are growing up , the more your friends would go out in 'group of couples', you wouldn't be rarely invited since you are not couple. Btw, it's the worst thing to go out with a group of couples while you are alone because everyone would going t patronize you and comment about your single status.

2- When friends get involved in serious relationships , they would have much less time for you. Maybe it's nothing personal but it's just life.

3- When you reach the age of 25-26 , your friends would notice that you never got a girlfriend and so they'll think that you are gay or weird or loser. In all cases , they'll be pushed away.


The only few friends that I still in frequent contact with them are all singles. Note that I never took a decision to "boycott" all taken friends , I wouldn't cut a friendship for such silly reason but that what happened automatically anyways.

That's based on my personal experience.

Last edited by LePetitPrince on 12 Jan 2009, 3:55 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Wow, those are some VERY good points LPP . But I would like point out to you that IME, the bond between 2 old friends of the same sex is often MUCH stronger than the bond between romantic partners. Its extremely foolish to sacrifice your friends for the sake of your gf/bf. Because there is always the ver real possibility that you'll break up and then you'll be left ALL ALONE with no shoulder to cry on.My best friend has a gf and he STILL makes time to chat with me and hang out from time to time.
Might I add that I think its TOTALLY unreasonable for a person to expect their signifigant other to not have other (platonic)friends and keep in touch with them.

^Good point Haliphron.

Except I did get rid of one friend who kept dating married and taken men. It got to the point where I was sick of her having a different guy come over and being introduced to him. I also didn't feel comfortable with the fact that they were already in a relationship.

After she broke up with one guy who did the same thing she did to his girlfriend, I just got so sick of the drama. I really felt used whenever she'd spend time one on one time with me because of her "problems" of her break ups. Plus I didn't feel right knowing that she might do to me what she had been doing to her ex-friends.

Ugh...I don't know why I wasted my miserable time in a superficial friendship...

Last edited by MissConstrue on 12 Jan 2009, 4:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Except I dont have a gf to sacrifice all my friends for... this is where the other people have partners, not me...

I don't think I have to worry about breaking up though... one of the advantages of never being able to get a girlfriend...

I have a few friends, some are singe, some are a couple.

It happens like LPP says that friendships diminish and stop; but in my experience some other friendships get more priority and that were friendships I would not have predicted five years ago. Maybe I was lucky, but breaking friendships because of a depressed thought would not be nice.

I understand "why" you want to do this, but agree with the others who say it would be making a mistake. I know that isn't probably what you want to hear but I think you will be ostracizing yourself from friendship and networking opportunities.

Many people who do meet a future b/f or g/f meet them thru friends who are in relationships. Why take away even a slight chance to network?

I think it reasonable to ask your friends in relationships to go easy on the relationship talk because you are in a vulnerable state right now. I think if they are really friends they will try to oblige.

I think your most valuable advice here is probably from the person in your situation who tried this, for the same reasons, and ended up regretting his choice. No better person to advise someone than a person who lived it...

Well, Toad, it's your decision in the end, but since you've posted this for the purpose, I'm assuming, of public discourse, I would like to add my two cents despite my limited time.

While I can empathize with the emotions that are likely to be driving your decision, to actually execute it seems an unhealthy and potentially self-destructive choice. I'm convinced you'd be far better off reflecting and coming to terms with certain issues with have with mated friends, as well as finding out what they mean to you.

For example, why were you friends with this person/these people? What qualities drew you to each other? Do those qualities still draw you to them now? If so, I would not think it wise to discard them based on their relationship status; you could share something deep with this person that you'll never find in anyone else. I've personally found in my life that every friend I have is unique, offering qualities no other friends or family do. Closer, or even potentially close, friendships can transcend fights, relationships and long distances.

What makes your two chosen non-blood friends different from the rest of the couples you know?

Simple acquaintances with little deep attachment are a bit of a different story, but still worthy of consideration, especially when the decision being made, or the underlying reason for it, doesn't seem a healthy course in the first place.

I have to ask: why under 25?

Now, I would like to give a heartfelt suggestion or two, regarding your motivating factors in this decision. I know it's hard, but if you tried to change your mindset and not your friend status, I'm sure it would help you immensely. I've been single, too, and at times felt pretty undesirable (it's not easy being a woman, actually, if you don't have 'the look' and act), but it was always my choice whether it affected me. It's true it can be really tough to change a mindset that is also probably heavily influenced by a surrounding culture which idolizes sex and relationships, but that doesn't have to be you.

If you feel badly because you're basing your insecurities around being seemingly unable to attract a mate, that's not necessary, either. All I can suggest here is that you really reflect on all the qualities you value in yourself and work with those, occupy yourself with the good traits, and then work over all the traits you find unappealing about yourself and improve them with all the positive you've gained in finding what you really, deeply like and enjoy.

It sounds obvious, but I know how easy it is to throw these ideas by the wayside when you're depressed. This is just one way to get out of that depression in the first place. Don't catch yourself in a continuous cycle. Besides, I can tell you from a lot of personal experience that depressed guys are amazingly unappealing; I can understand how they feel, but I simply can't get or stay involved with them if they're not finding their way out, or they'll pull me down with them. Depression is contagious.

Lastly, just stand up for yourself if these people you're around seem to be flaunting the fact they're in relationships. But also remember that they're almost assuredly doing it because they themselves are not sure about the stability of their love lifves or probably their own egos. But if they're simply living out their lives in their relationships, and discussing them normally with you, it's not their fault that it's hurting you. I've been in this predicament myself, and it's very awkward and damaging when I can't talk to a friend about something in my relationship.
There are obvious boundaries of appropriateness, of course--I'm not going to tell them all about the sex I had the other night, unless we're close and likely of the same gender. If these boundaries are being crossed for you, you should always tell the other person.

So, all in all, I'm trying to communicate that there are alternatives available to you other than the choice you're making. Please remember that shutting people out of your life is avoidance, and avoidance is very likely to further other damaging emotional aspects, such as low self image. Standing your ground and keeping an objective stance, I believe, are far superior, if more difficult, choices. But like I said, it's your call.

Most of the friends I made in high school (and even now in college) shared one thing thing in common: We were all single. Some of us (like me) had problems getting anywhere with women. Others chose not to engage for their own reasons. But overall, we didn't have girlfriends to spend time with, so we ended up around each other all the time. The misfits generally stuck together where I went to school... Now all these people that were once unable to get girlfriends are getting them left and right. At first I thought "well okay, maybe i'll be next"... but it never happened. I got left behind...


If the only couples I associate with are much older than me, it is far easier for me to dismiss the need to find someone as something that only older people should be engaging in... it worked in high school to be sure, but now that people my age are getting married (and staying together, I might add), it's much harder to just ignore the situation...


As more of my friends get into relationships, they have far less time to spend with me. I don't fault them for that, but I find myself more and more being the odd man out, since I don't have a girlfriend of my own. If I replace all my taken friends with single ones, however, I won't need to feel that anymore...


If I can't attract a mate, what does the rest matter? If I died tomorrow, nobody would care. I haven't made a world-changing impact, and since finding a mate (and therefore having children) is pretty much out of the question, I don't even have a reason to exist...


The only way out now is to either find a mate, or at the very least mean something to somebody... as it stands, the former is impossible and the latter is very unlikely...

Well I decided to not go through with a broad cut-off, but only from those people that were actively getting in my face about it... And it's not as if I'm permanently shutting the door... if anyone wants back into my life, I'm more than willing to let them in... but cutting them off in the first place makes them more likely to listen to my simple demand that I don't want to deal with all that s**t anymore...