Tell us what you've been through.

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Hi Dream -

THis is a hard one. I have been through hell with this. LIterally, to the point of having PTSD on top of Aut. Not a good mix.

I long to be held and to hold and to connect. But I can't. So I can get only so far. And I am older now.

I decided to completely and wholeheartedly "wed" my obsessions. Because they are very difficult and life long to master (even to begin to master), this is not a problem. I love them. I love htem like Strapples loves his harnesses.

They make my brain vibrate like love. That may sound weird, but I am AUT I can be weird. The point is that I let them consume me totally and they are loving and kindly spouses.

nothing anymore terrible then any other 20 year old lol
I have learned a few things, observing and s**t
and compared to what I've seen in this world - from AS and NT people
I am pretty normal lol

Hell. I have been through Hell, and I still haven't quite made it back. I know that sounds dramatic and self-pitying, but unfortunately the story is long and not quite worth bothering to type up about (on this forum, at least). I may not really be AS, but the two relationships I've had were with guys who at least have the traits. That wasn't the 'Hell' part, quite, but it didn't help.

Two years and it's still going somehow, though more often than not it hangs on spider silk. The worst part is it feels like we're drawn to each other for the rest of our lives, he and I, and that there's somehow no escape. This is primarily because of something I've mentioned here before, and he feels it, too. As he's said himself, we're "a match made in Hell," but it seems Satan knew how to bind our souls for eternity.

So, honestly, you single people, just remember that relationships can be horrifically excruciating. This is more pain than any physical injury I've had, and I've been through the mill.

love is overrated.

Last edited by ZEGH8578 on 21 Mar 2009, 10:57 pm, edited 1 time in total.

There were a few times as a teenager where I might have had a chance with a girl I liked, but didn't take it because I wasn't mature enough to know what to do. A few times people tried to "set me up" but it was never the case that both parties were interested, and from what I can tell it was more damaging than helpful. Also there was one time a girl left a message on my phone asking me if I had some free time to see her in town, I never saw the message until after she had come and gone and she never kept up communication with me since.

The one "date" I ever had is difficult to interpret in retrospect. I kind of liked a girl in school for a while, bumped into her shortly after she graduated and got her number. I invited her to something and I thought she could read enough into that. Everything went wrong (event hadn't started, food was rubbish), she politely talked to me for four hours and then later decided she wanted nothing more to do with me. Fine. But then I found that she was still kind of with her old boyfriend and maybe didn't think I was really dating her. So I'm not sure.

On the first day of college, there was another time I got a girl's number after talking to her once but got too cocky thinking "let's wait until I meet the girls in my class". After that, total nothingness, at least as far as college goes. I was optimistic going in, because college was hyped up for me as my kind of territory for dating. I'm afraid I was disappointed.

More recently a girl I knew on the internet claimed she liked me, and knew I liked her, so I tried to arrange a meeting, but after a couple of months of seemingly good contact and looking forward to meeting up she unexpectedly went for another guy on the same forum. That totally crushed me and I couldn't stop thinking about that for months. I'll admit it still confuses me to this day.

HAH. I totally got you before you decided to change your post to something colder and more cynical. I CAUGHT YOU RED HANDED SHOWING FEELINGS.

It's like I said, though -- you're going to be my inspiration if it ends. And you're really my only friend to show me any sort of compassion about it.

'Love' is indeed overrated by those who have no idea what it is, yet fantasically idealize the s**t out of it until it's diminished to commercial holidays and pop songs. Real love is an extreme rarity, and limerence is a f*****g nightmare.

I won't tell my life story on here, but I've dealt with being overlooked, being rejected, being ignored, yatta yatta yatta. I have felt the same thing you mention, I didn't think it was worth trying to get a date. There was a point where I just said to God "You know, if you want me to walk, so be it! Women never cared for me, I will show them the same courtesy they showed me, NONE!".

You know, unlike most of you guys, I didn't become seriously depressed when I got rejected. Sure, I was disappointed and sad at first, but I felt more anger and resentment than sadness. I felt that women thought I was unworthy of them, that because I wasn't the most attractive guy around and because I wasn't overly arrogant or playful, that I didn't mean anything to them and they would go after other guys.

My blood has cooled off a little bit, but I am still a skeptic of romantic love and people my age (20-25), who enjoy it supposedly. I think "romantic love" is not as pure and kind as it is made out to be, it is very conditional at my age, and usually people who make very foolish decisions fancy that they are in "love". It is very conditional, all of you, including me, are proof of it. Truly, if romantic love was good, wholesome, and honorable, girls would be chasing us instead of other guys because of our kindness. You know, I don't really care about love that much anymore, fools enjoy it just as much as the wise, if I walk alone, so be it.

My advice:

Never get your hopes up that a girl will date you. That way if she rejects you, you figured that it was coming. However, if she accepts you, then you will be all the more happy.

Girls who are morons and choose over-confident/jerkish/badboy types will pay a price for their superficiality. It may happen soon, or later, but there is always a consequence for one's actions. They might end up being cheated on, emotionally hurt by their bf, or some other scenario. They might end up having a kid out of wedlock because of their lack of discretion and have to take care of a lot of responsibilities.

Yes, yes, I know, "How can I say such awful things and be so insensitive to women romantically". Well perhaps I am slightly insensitive, but you know, the only way to learn is to experience something negative and resolve to never try it again. To learn from a bad experience is worth more than learning nothing from it.

It is like a little kid who sees a candlestick with a flame for the first time and goes over and sticks part of his hand in the flame. Of course he will retract his hand from the fire because it burns and it hurts him. But he will be wise if he does not repeat the action again, especially since he knows it will hurt him. A wise man will learn from his mistakes, but a fool with learn nothing and will be doomed to repeat his mistakes over and over. I think women who make foolish decisions romantically will only learn if they experience enough pain and heartache to make them look for solutions.

I AM COLD!! !

really tho. in my experience, while you HAVE it, and its SLIPPING, its all pain. pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, but when its gone

i dunno

there it goes, and pain goes with it. at least for me.

Yeah, that's actually how online 'relationships' in the past were for me. It wasn't until I met people off the internet that something else happened. So, my problem is, having lived with my boyfriend for two months straight, and having had him live with me off and on for the last two years, makes things...just a bit difficult. Not to mention it's based on something inexplicable, and we both feel as if we can't part somehow.

When we're not together, at very least I can tell what's going on with him on his end, with brutal accuracy. It's...really, really horrible. Because if I break up with him, and he goes and, you know, finds someone else, and I feel that? I will if it happens, I'm convinced, and it's going to be agony. It's a curse.

f**k. To put it bluntly.

And you are not cold, you just want to be. I can introduce you to cold sometime. Wait, you just got out of an online relationship with her, never mind.

:O :O :O

yes :'(

thats my comfort tho, any future would just have been new examples of coldness surpassing my own IMPRESSIVE coldness.

...Which is why I've never even bothered looking in the first place. Far too much pain for nowhere near enough gain. Plus, relationships are seriously overrated anyways.
At first, I simply didn't have the time or the interest for it, due to school and whatnot. But as I got older and learned more about dating & relationships (as well as history/politics/human nature/the ways of the world), all my findings have only served to reinforce my decision to actively avoid them. From what I have seen so far the bad greatly outweighs the good, almost to the point where looking for a significant other is utterly futile.
Plus, I have throughout my life cultivated a very strong hatred of people in general - one that is far too great for me to establish a working relationship anyways. People suck, and I see no reason to have to associate with them at times when I don't have to.

I know how you guys feel, although I'm not sure I want to completely discount relationships. Maybe I still have some shred of idealism at 19.

I'm still trying to figure things out. The answer to that determines my path. Should I go as the mad introvert obsessed with research, or try and become a family man, or a cocky careless career man?

To the OP -- I think I meet your criteria as someone who turned it around, though admittedly I'm not a diagnosed Aspie or even have hard-core symptoms, though clearly I do have some Aspie/Autistic tendencies in myself and my family.

My story --

Childhood was pretty normal, had some fear/phobia and health issues, but nothing major. Pretty physically fit and athletic, so again, not much problems there. I was a normal elementary school kid, had friends, did sleepovers, was fairly popular in class, and pretty happy.

Around the time I was 9 going on 10, things started falling apart. I see now that I was starting to retain childish behavior and that a social gulf was opening between myself and my peers. I was too haughty, too set in my ways, and couldn't deal with rejection and the more complex peer social interactions (like betrayal and gossip) that started occurring. I was still into childish things at an age where many of us were getting into adolescent behavior and interests. I also switched schools to the Magnet program, probably one of the more negative turning points in my life and a catalyst for negative behaviors. I was no longer confident in my ability to retain peers, shy, and started displaying OCD symptoms and behaviors. No more sleepovers, because my friends now lived far from me, and didn't seem to like me that much (though I did end up with one close friend who left the school, who also had his own issues and who was a really nice guy to me during this period).

Magnet junior high was a nightmare -- Magnet kids (as I should have probably mentioned above) are already very overstressed, neurotic, and socially harsh (far worse than normal NT's) -- sort of like going to Law School, but for years and years. I went to a Junior high that was in the latino ghetto (most Magnet schools are in bad neighborhoods, as that is the point of them, to integrate the schooling there and attract middle class parents and their money), and it was a very tough neighborhood. The irony was that after some initial settling, I actually was accepted far better by the local gang members and thugs (who respected my athletic ability in P.E. and non-aggressive, non-challenging behavior and the ability to take some roughing up) than my Magnet classmates. I was very tall at the time, and until I got heavier, I got bullied by angry, older, shorter kids who resented my height. I also got bullied by teachers for having problems with their schoolwork, while some teachers did see the "diamond in the rough" that I was, and tried to help. By this time, my grades were in the dumper, as was my self-confidence. I ate lunch by myself almost every day for 3 years, though one friend would drop by and see me, and I did end up being good friends with him, pretty much my only real school friend (aside from the local kids).

I did actually have some friends -- I had been a cub scout, and then a Boy Scout, so I did have a support group. This is why in my other posts I reiterate the need for social groups outside of work and school, groups where you are around other people that are there out of their own interest, not because they are forced to. This was the one arena where I was a king, a leader, and respected, something that I think helped me keep it together during the worst years.

For high school I left Magnet, and went back to my neighborhood school. My social skills were pretty much nonexistent, and my confidence was gone. I was shell-shocked, but gradually bloomed a bit in high school, where the kids were nicer than Magnet, the teachers nicer, and I didn't have the bullying and social pressure on me. I knew my place (the bottom), and didn't rock the boat. There, kids left you alone. Eventually, I did find a group of friends to hang out with for lunch.

One thing I want to mention here, risking ridicule, is that you have to do something to bolster your confidence. For me it was the Anthony Robbins books, but I know other things will work as well. Whatever you may think about him, he writes a nice pep talk, and his books helped me structure my approach to success and dealing with hardship and setbacks. I gradually pulled up my grades, got into AP classes, and started showing what I could do, to the point that they wanted me on the Aca Deca team. Girls started actually being interested in me, and even the popular chick that I had the biggest crush on gave me a shoulder massage one time in the middle of class -- quite a big turnaround for someone who was invisible the year before. By the Summer before my Junior year, I had a girlfriend, a sex life, and was very happy.

But that's not the end of the story -- as with anyone, after success came setbacks again. After a pretty boring and lackluster senior year, where I dumped my GF (thinking I could get lots of girls, but I was too Aspied-out to recognize my follow-up opportunities), I went on to community college, a mistake, as I missed out on the social life my University-bound friends had. I struggled with self-esteem issues as I found my social skills still lacked in many ways, and that my overconfidence and lack of perspective made me more enemies than friends, and that I was making a fool of myself and had a bad rep with many. I didn't handle rejection well, and it showed. On the other hand, I found a great little Summer job as being a movie and TV extra, and had a lot of great, confidence building experiences, including some missed chances for romance that I only really realized later. So it was a mixed bag.

However, I was very lonely -- 2 years without a GF (it ended up being 3), I felt like I was ugly, unwanted, and too shy and dorky to ever get a GF. Like others here, I thought about suicide, about what a waste of space I was, and that there was no hope for me. I was stressed about trying to transfer to my favorite university, and felt like if I didn't get in, I would be doomed to a life of failure. By this point, I was fighting off depression, fighting with my parents and peers, and seeing a psychiatrist to refocus me on what I needed. I also noticed that I fell into the friends/used zone with many girls I was attracted to, while attracting the ones I didn't find to my liking for romance (only friends). I couldn't win.

I got into my University, and lived on campus. Right away, things seemed better (dorms force you to be social), but I had a big relationship setback right away (I got dumped for the first time in my life), and ended up friends with many parasitic women, all of whom used me for academic or emotional reasons, but with no payback (sex or otherwise) for me. By midway through the year, I was totally disgusted with the situation, had alienated people through my awful social skills, had put my foot in my mouth more times than I could count, and finally just wrote off my social life. I spend the rest of the year eating alone for almost every meal.

And then it all changed. I went home for Spring Break, cried in my old room and home, and decided to turn a new leaf again. Do whatever it takes to get a new social life, be more positive, and meet someone. And wouldn't you know, I met the women I'm married to now (though I've strayed a few times, per my other threads) in my parents old neighborhood, found confidence, and have struggled the past 13 years to be more positive. I have a decent career going, make more than many of my peers, and though I don't have tons of friends, I'm mostly happy.

I can tack a part II on this to explain more, but maybe this is too long already Lemme know if you want more clarity on any point, and what made it better. I try in other threads to put that advice to direct use, but I also know I'm long-winded (like some Aspies) and maybe people tune me out.

I've got one. After I moved away from my last home, I sort of kept in contact with one of my friends, a girl I really liked. One day when I went back to visit my dad and talked to her for a while, I felt really overcome with emotion, enough that later that night I went back to her house and told her I loved her. When she told me that we should talk about this tomorrow, I got really angry and ran off.

After a while, we started talking again over IMs. I still have a lot of feelings left over for her, and I've been trying to ask her out, but she keeps saying she has a busy schedule. For three years. Yesterday, I sent an angry message saying that I'm sick of playing games with her and if she doesn't want to see me she should just tell me. I told her that if she doesn't come and see me that I'll stop speaking to her.

I think the reason all this is happening and why I still want her is because I haven't even been with a girl or had my first kiss. I'm homeschooled and I live out in a rural area, so I can never find a place where I can meet someone.

Women will seldom be direct (they'd rather you just get the hint), but 3 years is a long time to jerk you around without just finally telling you no.

I've done the same thing you did, even now that my life is much better. You gotta remember that it's not her problem, it's yours -- she's not interested, and there are other fish in the sea. As much as you want it to happen, it wasn't meant to be, and no amount of anger, applying guilt, or pleading will change it. Try to stop obsessing (I know, a major Aspie trait) and find something else to focus on, like a new hobby. For me, my firearms hobby seemed to be the ticket to keep me from thinking about cheating and obsessing about not having a lot of close friends, or my social skills.