Help! NT needs help learning how to love an Aspie

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GOLD! I'm printing this for my girl.

Agree, but my most important thing would be acceptance.

On the other hand, you have to make sure that you're not pushing her around too much... there's a healthy balance somewhere in there, and each side sees the balance as closer to them than it really is...

I've got a pretty good idea of a relationship equilibrium, I often give more and do more than I can take. She often stresses me out.

What I'm trying to get at, though, is how do you know that you don't stress her out? Aspies aren't exactly known for being able to know how another person feels about, well, anything...

I know cuz I have had a NT friend for 14 years and lived together for 2 years, he's my best friend and my golden source. It has been tough some times but I have learned to read and sympathize with NT's. Today I can read a person in 3 sec. Very useful skill to have in society.
I used to get upset for things he did and said but after a couple of arguments and fights I could learn to understand them better and him me.
I have truly been lucky to have such a good friend, but I've done my share of work as well.
So I know that I'm not stressing her out.

That's why we're "unlovable"... or, as the Cybermen would say, "incompatible."

I wish an NT was in love with me.

stay true to yourself and do your own thing and they will come crawling. I used to think about this ALOT in my younger days it made me angry, frustrated, confused... why did everyone else have girls and not me. Well I stopped obsessing I dove in to my interests focused more on me and what I enjoy and with age girls would come up to me and flirt and giggle, but I didn't know these signals until later when I was about 18-19, I guess you call it late bloomer?

Point is, don't rush don't obsess and there is NO need to be nervous around girls (they are more nervous then you most of the time that's why they push you away) everybody is afraid to get hurt even NT's.

Well I'm certainly not putting my life on hold due to lack of woman, but it's not exactly something I can just dismiss... (and 18-19 is not late-bloomer... talk to some of the 40-year-old virgins around here...)

I also can't focus on myself, since putting worth in self without some outside verification is tantamount to narcissism...

To be honest what you describe sounds like more NT's that i know than Aspies. The need for space and time alone, and not wanting to hug and kiss all the time is something that i have found MANY men need, this isn't an AS trait alone. I have been in three longterm relationships in my life, the current one, with an Aspie, he is the LEAST out of the three that needs all this space and he is the most affectionate person I have seen> Maybe i just got lucky in that he is on the opposite end of the touch spectrum - some aspies shy away from it while for some reason other aspies can't get enough. He is on that end. His need for touch is way higher than mine and I am an NT.

The list that Butterflair wrote above was a really good one. I think if you follow that you will feel better about things. Whenever we date a person who needs space we have to give it to them. We choose to date them and know who they are and what they need. Women who invade that need for personal space with guys often find the guy will crave MORE space. That was how it was in my last relationship and he was not an Aspie. I clung to hard to try to get him to NOT need that space and what happened is he w/drew more. We finally got around that when i finally just gave him the space that i had promised to give him when we first got together (i didn't live up to my end of that deal, that I take blame for). But at the end of the day he had anger issues that just were not going to work for me and got mad over EVERYTHING and we ended up parting ways. BUT the space issue DID work itself out when i let go and started letting him have it and not hounding him to not take it.

Another thing that Butterflair wrote in that list that was spot on - if he says he loves you, he loves you> Don't constantly question it. That will frustrate him to no end and make him feel disrespected or that you are telling him he isn'be being honest, and most Aspies i know value their honesty and want others to know they are honest and also value it.

Honestly the things you wrote could happen in ANY relationship, regardless of AS being present or not. The main difficulty you will have in this scenario with him having AS is the fact that it isn't that he doesn't WANT to communicate well like some NT men who do this, he likely CAN"T, or a better way of putting it vs he can't is he has not figured out the way to do it that will satisfy an NT, and likely never will . But you can help guide him by following the suggestions in that list. I had to create a set of guidelines for myself similar to that. Altho the email thing - my aspie does NOT like communicating much in email. I am the text and email queen. I tend to like to get my thoughts written down electronically, let him chew on it then talk it out in person. He says that confuses him. He has a hard time grasping what i really mean when i do it this way, so not all aspies will prefer the email to face to face. He needs me to do it face to face so that when he is confused over something I say he can ask me right at that moment to clarify.

I also like what Shadow50 said about loving him for who HE IS not for the person you WANT him to be. Strike that from your memory bank. IT won't work. Doesn't work wtih NT males and certainly doesn't work for an AS male (or female). When we start dating someone it is imperative that we examine who the core person is and understand early on if we are compatible with that core person. TOO many women (and some men, but it seems we women are more the queens of this area) keep dating a man that is not really giving her the things she needs to stay satisfied in a relationship but we being the nurturers and more maternal think we can "fix" it and that he will eventually love us enough to change. Most of the time the gal ends up very frustrated, lonely and unhappy when she tries to make these changes. If you really can't deal with him today, you wont be dealing with him any easier a year from now when more of the newness wears off.

Remember that issues are magnified a great deal the more the comfort zone kicks in and the honeymoon period wears off, so work right now on the things mentioned on this thread to see if you can get thru the issues that plague you. If you find a few months from now you just can't, then maybe you just can't, and that is no reflection of your failure, just a reflection that maybe you two are not right for each other.

But I don't mean to sound sour. If you really care about him and have a passion to make it work then give it all you've got. Don't throw in the towel lightly. Just try loving him and easing up on some of the expectations that you know are very much "NT" type needs. If you find after a few months that you feel miserable without them then you have your answer. If you find that they are not as important as you thought, then you will be fine.

lastly, the post above that said the KEY WORD here is patience is also SPOT ON. Loving an aspie will take more patience than the average NT/NT relationship (not meaning to generalize here because some NT's take gobs of this too, but almost ALL aspies NEED you to be patient with them). He will love you all the more for understanding and being patient with him. I also commend you for trying to work WITH him and not just have him conform to your standards. I think more aspie's could find happiness in relationships if more NT's were willing to relax what THEY believe to be true and be less black and white and a bit more gray.

Mmmmwwwwwwaaaaahahahahaha, Pffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff, what would you call it when you don't get the hang of this till 55 ????????? Neanderthal perhaps? Australopithecine even? And I still wouldn't be there if I hadn't been diagnosed about then.

I have grown up around many needy family members and being the only guy around I was called on plenty of times, I didn't afford to break down and cry or have meltdowns, when my head was pounding and tears were coming and heart beating 100000 beats / sec I f*****g swallowed it and moved on, because no one has ever showed me any sympathy nor understanding and if I refused I had a s**t storm coming my way.
Sorry for blurring late bloomer to those who respond so sensitively to it and think I've got it easy, but truth is I push myself constantly and if I don't nobody f*****g will.
I have become more Aspie/NT then Autistic/Aspie.

So don't give me any "Mmmmwwwwwwaaaaahahahahaha, Pffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff" s**t because I fight to uphold my reality every damn day, I don't hide. It's hard and there is A LOT of pain, but it's better than being alone.

good day.

And when that happens, she won't be what you want you and you won't be interested. Shame isn't it? I've talked to too many NT women who adore an Aspie man and he doesn't look at her in the same way. It's tough.

Hey, nothing personal intended, it was just my immediate reaction to 18-19 being considered late blooming, a reaction that I'm guessing would be shared by many members here.

Your opinion is respected, and I meant no offence. Sorry.

I see, sorry for blowing up in your face. I'm just sensitive to answers like that.