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jemir1234
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27 May 2009, 8:11 pm

patternist wrote:
jemir1234 wrote:
patternist wrote:
From a woman's perspective: The main thing is someone who has their life *somewhat* together and knows what they want and knows who they are. Sorry if that's abstract, but there are a lot of people who get into relationships to become something that they are not already. Change will happen once you're in a relationship but it's never a good idea to get into a relationship just *because* you need to change yourself. Rule #1: Be fairly, at least, happy with who you are.

And then there has to be the ability to communicate who you are and what you need or want. Not necessarily in a smooth or suave way, but the desire and courage must be there.

Thirdly, you must have a willingness to compromise. Schedules, perceived responsbilities, even ideals. A relationship is two people, and ya gotta be fair.

If you're ready for these things, you're relationship material.


My life is completely together for a 17 year old. But for ralationship material. I cannot drive, i dont have a liscense or permit. i dont have a job. Thats the only things that I dont have, but it doesnt mater because I'm in school getting good grades and about to go off to college after i graduate next year, then I'll have those things together :D


You're not bad looking, either, and that doesn't hurt.

But as an aspie, *especially*, you need to be careful to avoid the woman who is out to use. They do exist, I sit next to one of them at work. She wants to know the bottom line, only. If she got fired tomorrow, she could live off the child support from her 3 rich ex-husbands.

This is threadjacking I know, but I just wanted to throw in there that, sometimes we aspies will take whoever accepts us or seems to accept us, without questioning why they want you or what they want out of you. Figure out some way, some test or time frame, to make sure it's real.


Yea Im very careful about who Im gonna chose. i know there are women out there who marry men for their money and break up with them, take the kids (all that drama) and want them to pay child support. So i have tow atch out for that



solinoure
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27 May 2009, 8:14 pm

sinsboldly wrote:
relationship material is a man that will stick around for the hard times as well as the slap an tickle times. someone that will work on the relationship, be there for the relationship. Some guy that is so over hanging out with the guys. Someone that thinks a vacation with a young family is preferable over a tequila hazed tropical slut fest. A guy that is interested in going over the domestic books to make sure the life insurance is paid, the car payments are made, the there is enough money bugeted for books and pencils and kids shoes, dental checkups and take some family leave time off work when the kid is sick. Someone that will take their heart medicine and not smoke, will eat sensibly and take an interest in her family, too.


Hmmm... sounds like a sensible, responsible, loving man. According to the majority of posts on WP and my personal experience, they don't get women. Caring men with good jobs can't compete with violent, unemployable, drug addicted, bad boys... unless they are caring enough to be stupid and well employed enough to catch the eye of a gold digger...

Tell me, is the above what you looked for when you were younger? Is the above what you went for when you were younger?


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patternist
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27 May 2009, 8:20 pm

When I was younger (I'm 35 now) I looked primarily for intelligence, a perception of depth of character (read a book lately?), sense of humor, and common interests i.e. favorite bands and TV shows. All of the no-brainers.

Now, I just look for someone who has all of these things, which help me enjoy intimacy with someone, and ALSO the emotional makeup to actually enjoy intimacy with me.

Sigh, Hope this helps.



jemir1234
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27 May 2009, 8:22 pm

solinoure wrote:
sinsboldly wrote:
relationship material is a man that will stick around for the hard times as well as the slap an tickle times. someone that will work on the relationship, be there for the relationship. Some guy that is so over hanging out with the guys. Someone that thinks a vacation with a young family is preferable over a tequila hazed tropical slut fest. A guy that is interested in going over the domestic books to make sure the life insurance is paid, the car payments are made, the there is enough money bugeted for books and pencils and kids shoes, dental checkups and take some family leave time off work when the kid is sick. Someone that will take their heart medicine and not smoke, will eat sensibly and take an interest in her family, too.


Hmmm... sounds like a sensible, responsible, loving man. According to the majority of posts on WP and my personal experience, they don't get women. Caring men with good jobs can't compete with violent, unemployable, drug addicted, bad boys... unless they are caring enough to be stupid and well employed enough to catch the eye of a gold digger...

Tell me, is the above what you looked for when you were younger? Is the above what you went for when you were younger?


A f*****g realist solinoure high five.



sinsboldly
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27 May 2009, 8:24 pm

solinoure wrote:
sinsboldly wrote:
relationship material is a man that will stick around for the hard times as well as the slap an tickle times. someone that will work on the relationship, be there for the relationship. Some guy that is so over hanging out with the guys. Someone that thinks a vacation with a young family is preferable over a tequila hazed tropical slut fest. A guy that is interested in going over the domestic books to make sure the life insurance is paid, the car payments are made, the there is enough money bugeted for books and pencils and kids shoes, dental checkups and take some family leave time off work when the kid is sick. Someone that will take their heart medicine and not smoke, will eat sensibly and take an interest in her family, too.


Hmmm... sounds like a sensible, responsible, loving man. According to the majority of posts on WP and my personal experience, they don't get women. Caring men with good jobs can't compete with violent, unemployable, drug addicted, bad boys... unless they are caring enough to be stupid and well employed enough to catch the eye of a gold digger...

Tell me, is the above what you looked for when you were younger? Is the above what you went for when you were younger?


oh, well, take a drive out to any pleasant suburb. See the thousands of cookie cutter houses on the thousands of streets? In any one of those houses you will see one of the men I described above. They aren't out there meeting gold diggers, they were in school, they weren't drug addicted bad boys, they were working somewhere. They met the women that are having their kids in all those houses not at the local bar, luring the away from the bad violent boys, they met them in those same schools, in those same jobs and houses of worship that the guys were in. There was no sowing of wild oats, there wasn't any great rebellion to recover from.

I lived in a totally different universe from all of this when I was younger, and no man was looking for me to live in suburbia


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Last edited by sinsboldly on 27 May 2009, 8:27 pm, edited 1 time in total.

jemir1234
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27 May 2009, 8:27 pm

sinsboldly wrote:
solinoure wrote:
sinsboldly wrote:
relationship material is a man that will stick around for the hard times as well as the slap an tickle times. someone that will work on the relationship, be there for the relationship. Some guy that is so over hanging out with the guys. Someone that thinks a vacation with a young family is preferable over a tequila hazed tropical slut fest. A guy that is interested in going over the domestic books to make sure the life insurance is paid, the car payments are made, the there is enough money bugeted for books and pencils and kids shoes, dental checkups and take some family leave time off work when the kid is sick. Someone that will take their heart medicine and not smoke, will eat sensibly and take an interest in her family, too.


Hmmm... sounds like a sensible, responsible, loving man. According to the majority of posts on WP and my personal experience, they don't get women. Caring men with good jobs can't compete with violent, unemployable, drug addicted, bad boys... unless they are caring enough to be stupid and well employed enough to catch the eye of a gold digger...

Tell me, is the above what you looked for when you were younger? Is the above what you went for when you were younger?


oh, well, take a drive out to any pleasant suburb. See the thousands of cookie cutter houses on the thousands of streets? In any one of those houses you will see one of the men I described above. They aren't out there meeting gold diggers, they were in school, they weren't drug addicted bad boys, they were working somewhere. They met the women that are having their kids in all those houses not at the local bar, luring the away from the bad violent boys, they met them in those same schools, in those same jobs and houses of worship that the guys were in. There was no sowing of wild oats, there wasn't any great rebellion to recover from.

I lived in a totally different universe from all of this when I was younger, and never met any relationship material, myself.


What i think he wanted to ask was.

Please give us an honest description of what you looked for in a man when you were young.



sinsboldly
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27 May 2009, 8:42 pm

After I left high school my parents had me committed to Topeka State (mental) Hospital where I was not able to make informed choices nor was I to meet "relationship material." Once I left the hospital I was traveling quite fast and found myself at the Woodstock Festival in upstate New York where, in the main, living a quiet family life in the suburbs was not the major thrust of the message. Where about 90% of those attending did settle into that bucolic existence, I was not one of them.


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solinoure
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27 May 2009, 8:43 pm

sinsboldly wrote:
oh, well, take a drive out to any pleasant suburb. See the thousands of cookie cutter houses on the thousands of streets? In any one of those houses you will see one of the men I described above.

If sub-urban aspirations are what it takes to be relationship material... I will never be it.

The only thing I would ever want from suburbia is to burn it - preferably with the suburbanites still on premises... But - realistically, I am quite happy just to avoid that abominable lifestyle.

Urban or Rural. Choose! NO YOU CAN"T HAVE BOTH!

/getting off soapbox before I jack my own thread. *sigh*

sinsboldly wrote:
After I left high school my parents had me committed to Topeka State (mental) Hospital where I was not able to make informed choices nor was I to meet "relationship material." Once I left the hospital I was traveling quite fast and found myself at the Woodstock Festival in upstate New York where, in the main, living a quiet family life in the suburbs was not the major thrust of the message. Where about 90% of those attending did settle into that bucolic existence, I was not one of them.


So... what kind of man was relationship material at this point?


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27 May 2009, 9:14 pm

patternist wrote:
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I fit all three of those characteristics.

I met someone nearly two years ago, and we became friends, and despite me having those characteristics, she accused me of not having them, and she wasn't going to compromise on the distance (she and I were 120 miles away--which isn't really that far).


That probably meant SHE didn't have one of those three characteristics.
It's also possible I missed something.


It was like only *her* opinions mattered. She didn't say it in those exact words, but she mentioned that she left the guy she dated before she and I began corresponding because he moved away for whatever reason. Rather than stick it out, she bailed out when she was faced with an inconvenience in a relationship. And she was extremely hesitant to bring up her relationship history, as if she was hiding some deep, dark secret. I, on the other hand, was being open about my past relationships.



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27 May 2009, 9:18 pm

solinoure wrote:

So... what kind of man was relationship material at this point?


I was not looking for a relationship at that point. It was a long time ago, soinoure, I was at play in the fields of the lord.


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27 May 2009, 9:22 pm

Tim_Tex wrote:
patternist wrote:
Tim_Tex wrote:
I fit all three of those characteristics.

I met someone nearly two years ago, and we became friends, and despite me having those characteristics, she accused me of not having them, and she wasn't going to compromise on the distance (she and I were 120 miles away--which isn't really that far).


That probably meant SHE didn't have one of those three characteristics.
It's also possible I missed something.


It was like only *her* opinions mattered. She didn't say it in those exact words, but she mentioned that she left the guy she dated before she and I began corresponding because he moved away for whatever reason. Rather than stick it out, she bailed out when she was faced with an inconvenience in a relationship. And she was extremely hesitant to bring up her relationship history, as if she was hiding some deep, dark secret. I, on the other hand, was being open about my past relationships.


Yikes. That's a big red flag. It's tough when both sides aren't open. I operate on the honesty policy. Anything else is wasting my time and his. But I've sat in on enough conversations among women to realize that's not the norm. One time I said to them, "You do realize you're making it much more difficult for yourself right?" and their answer? "The only way I'll know he's right for me is if he knows what I want without me having to tell him." :lol: So then I responded with, "How about telling him what your needs are and seeing if he's up to meeting them?" There was silence around the table. Apparently that suggestion wasn't very popular among the masses. :lol:



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27 May 2009, 9:35 pm

sinsboldly wrote:
solinoure wrote:

So... what kind of man was relationship material at this point?


I was not looking for a relationship at that point. It was a long time ago, soinoure, I was at play in the fields of the lord.


Were you celibate? Or did you wind up in relationships? I'm using relationship very broadly here. If you were not celibate and you did not have relationships, I'll ask that you tell me how you define relationships and distinguish this from what you had.

Of course, if this is TMI... then its TMI... s'OK.


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27 May 2009, 9:49 pm

CelticGoddess wrote:
One time I said to them, "You do realize you're making it much more difficult for yourself right?" and their answer? "The only way I'll know he's right for me is if he knows what I want without me having to tell him." :lol: So then I responded with, "How about telling him what your needs are and seeing if he's up to meeting them?" There was silence around the table. Apparently that suggestion wasn't very popular among the masses. :lol:


OMG! Women (ok - not all) really do want us to be mind readers! ...or at least behave like we can read minds and are eager to comply... actually it sounds more like they want to control the minds of their men - but without having to be responsible for being in control... :roll:


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jemir1234
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27 May 2009, 9:52 pm

solinoure wrote:
CelticGoddess wrote:
One time I said to them, "You do realize you're making it much more difficult for yourself right?" and their answer? "The only way I'll know he's right for me is if he knows what I want without me having to tell him." :lol: So then I responded with, "How about telling him what your needs are and seeing if he's up to meeting them?" There was silence around the table. Apparently that suggestion wasn't very popular among the masses. :lol:


OMG! Women (ok - not all) really do want us to be mind readers! ...or at least behave like we can read minds and are eager to comply... actually it sounds more like they want to control the minds of their men - but without having to be responsible for being in control... :roll:


Dude the hell with them, obviously they see your posts, they just dont wanna respond. f**k them



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27 May 2009, 9:59 pm

solinoure wrote:
CelticGoddess wrote:
One time I said to them, "You do realize you're making it much more difficult for yourself right?" and their answer? "The only way I'll know he's right for me is if he knows what I want without me having to tell him." :lol: So then I responded with, "How about telling him what your needs are and seeing if he's up to meeting them?" There was silence around the table. Apparently that suggestion wasn't very popular among the masses. :lol:


OMG! Women (ok - not all) really do want us to be mind readers! ...or at least behave like we can read minds and are eager to comply... actually it sounds more like they want to control the minds of their men - but without having to be responsible for being in control... :roll:


women were girls, once, fed upon fairy tales of Cinderellas and Sleeping Beauties and Beauties and beasts and stories of soul mates that finish your sentances for you. These soul mates were one to a customer and only that one was to ring your chimes. All you had to do was show up and they would sweep you off your feet, take you out of there and know all, give all and be all. If they didn't . . . well, you don't have to put up with that, you just got the wrong one is all. Go try again.

I ran away to Woodstock instead, I wasn't celebate, it was the sexual revolution and it was a personal choice. I didn't get celebate until I got sober sometime in my thirties when I couldn't figure out being with a guy without being hammered.


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27 May 2009, 10:09 pm

solinoure wrote:
CelticGoddess wrote:
One time I said to them, "You do realize you're making it much more difficult for yourself right?" and their answer? "The only way I'll know he's right for me is if he knows what I want without me having to tell him." :lol: So then I responded with, "How about telling him what your needs are and seeing if he's up to meeting them?" There was silence around the table. Apparently that suggestion wasn't very popular among the masses. :lol:


OMG! Women (ok - not all) really do want us to be mind readers! ...or at least behave like we can read minds and are eager to comply... actually it sounds more like they want to control the minds of their men - but without having to be responsible for being in control... :roll:


I've heard aspies also have this flaw. I'm not sure which majority is on the larger scale but I notice most NTs including females are good at being upfront and assertive with what they want. I never have been and have always had trouble in expressing my needs and what I really wanted to say verbally.

I really have a hard time believing girls want bad boys unless they're not in their right mind or don't know for what that guy's really like. My sister's with a very nice guy right now and my uncle is a great guy and married to a very nice woman. I think attraction is a bit more complicated than that. I've never been into the tough boy image but I'm also not good with small talk and very shy.

The last guy I was with expected me to know why he was pissed at me or upset. Given the problems I already have in reading people socially....this made it even harder. As if I was actually manipulating him on purpose overtly or passively. Truth be told, I wanted some space...it seems like many NT guys don't understand this and take it to mean I'm uninterested. Not sure with aspie guys since I've never met any irl but I think that's one thing I cherish is the freedom to be myself without having to read minds or knowing how read body language. It's hard as it is just to try and function on a normal basis when you got people yakn' at you in a fast pace of words.


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Last edited by MissConstrue on 27 May 2009, 10:14 pm, edited 1 time in total.