How to improve your chances with women.

Post Reply New Topic

not really, otherwise it would only be guys like that who ever got girls, which is not true. some of the more shallow girls who want a flashy guy might be attracted to a guy like that, but not the vast majority of women. and i don't understand why you would want a shallow woman like that.

really it has very little to do with being quiet or shy, unless you are so shy you NEVER go out or so quiet you NEVER talk in a group.

what i honestly think... is that men notice the gregarious fellow entertaining a few high status girls in a social situation, and these guys fail to notice that 90% of the women are not gathered around the social butterfly. but it might be some of the hottest women gathered around, so the men don't look anywhere else. seriously, people need to slide their eyes away from that group and really look at the rest of the people in the room, who are not clustered in that loud group of shallowness.

A very interesting thread, although I confess I didn't read all 11 pages (and counting).

I do think most people are missing the point, however. The surest way I know to "improve your chances" is to be yourself and not worry about "improving your chances". It's my experience that the people who are going to be attracted to you are probably going to be attracted to you anyway, so I don't see much point in going out of your way to try and swing things in your favor.

Those who base their choices solely on looks are going to be disappointed most of the time. The men who take one look at me and decide instantly that I am or am not datable do neither of us a favor, and frankly I find mildly insulting. What, you like my __________ (fill in the blank with random body part), so you think that somehow makes us compatible?

And it's the same with me. The men I find the most interesting are those who appear to be sincere and considerate of others, but without trying too hard to be what they think I want. They have found a happy medium between their internal and external persona. And I'm sorry if this sounds superficial but I tend to steer clear of men who are too good-looking, because I've found that they are so accustomed to having the world deal with them on the basis of their looks that their personality has been altered by it.

I think this is mostly true.

As you said - if one never speaks to anyone when going out, the chances of getting in touch with a person of the opposite sex is nearly impossible, especially for men, which is very unfortunate, but from my experience it's true, sadly.
Neither me nor my friends are considered to be "the hot girls", I think my friends are really pretty, but we're not traditional beauties, but people still want to talk to us when going out. One of my girl friends especially! It's because she's cute and fun and likes to dance and socialize. But my other friend and I are also approached when we go out.

I think it's because we know ourselves quite well, we know our flaws and good traits, and we really OWN these traits.

Confidence is important when attracting a mate. It doesn't mean that you have to feel comfortable dancing or approaching people all by yourselves (bring a mate, if it helps!). If someone asks you to dance, just tell them, that it's not for you. You could say something like: "No thanks, I don't like dancing, but why don't you sit down and have a drink with me / us? Bring your friends if you want."
They might not say yes, but some probably will. But hey - love is gambling. You win some, you lose some.

Believing that "I am good person, there is nothing wrong about who I am. Only I can truly judge me" is not only important in attracting people, but is also key to a good mental health.

But the social game is difficult, I rarely go out myself anymore. I used to, when I was single - tried to get out and enjoy my life, and when doing so, I met my boyfriend. A week later, we were a couple. XD

My experience with gaming forums often involved a lot of trolling. Also, call me a chauvenist pig if you want, but I'm still not completely convinced that there are any significant amount of girl gamers out there (and those that are out there will be quickly snapped up by gamers far more adept at real life than I am)

I think it's because, at least in Western society, the men are the ones that are expected to do the approaching. If I went out with a bunch of male friends, I can guarantee you that no woman or group of women would approach us.

Women do approach men as well, but I do agree with the statement, that it's more common the other way around.
However the women are not to be blamed. Most girls don't go down town alone in the evening, we usually bring some friends, and might not feel like approaching anyone because no one's caught our attention or perhaps we're just happy being with each other.
We are each responsible for our own social and love life. Women as well - if no one is approaching you, you have to do something yourself.

But it's always good to have friends by one's side when going out to socialize. They make it easier, at least for me, to feel comfortable, they comfort me if something goes wrong and protect me against people without good intentions. They're my safe zone. ^^

very good advice.

i have something that is a little different or unusual about me. i actually do better in social situations if i am alone. it's kind of weird maybe, but when i am surrounded by people who don't know me, it's like i have nothing to lose. i can be anybody i want to be and i don't have to worry about being judged. of course, i was being myself - but a confident, outgoing and fun self.

i've done some fun stuff by myself, and it served as a training ground for my social skills. i still have lots of problems socially, but my experiences have helped me. i took acting classes, was an extra in a movie, volunteered for the Green Party, etc, as well as going to small clubs, pubs, cafes and diners alone. sometimes it was scary or intimidating, but i met lots of people and i was often sought out by other people who attended alone.

i understand that this approach would not work for the majority of people, but i'm just putting it out there for anyone who might find it useful.

That also works for me - doing things alone or joining clubs with a common interest or with a group of people. It's helped learn some of the intricacies behind socialization. Having some NT friends or acquaintances willing to point out what you're doing wrong and giving you advice on how to do better next time also helps.

I guess it depends on who "yourself" is. If being yourself means you only talk to people who start conversations with you, you probably won't have much luck. If being yourself means only going to hobbies/events/activities that don't attract women to participate, being yourself won't do much good.

I understand what you're saying and I truly sympathize, but I still think your chances are better with someone with whom you clicked because of who you really are, than you are with someone who you managed to snare by artificial means.

And if there really are no women in the places and situations where you find yourself, then perhaps it's time to think about expanding your world. Just a thought.

That's why I think stuff like Magic and WoW can serve as a firewall to keep aspie men from socializing - and I'm not talking a Cisco PIX or SonicWall either!

There are people that play video games, but games like Halo and CoD are IMO more socially acceptable. The Madden series is good too.

Thanks to Magic, I socialize much more than I did before I played. To play Magic, you have to socialize. It just doesn't help toward meeting women because, unfortunately, despite it being a deeper, more challenging game than something as simple as Poker, many people still view it, mistakenly so, as a kid's game.

I don't like playing multiplayer games where I don't personally know all the players. Since I don't have any friends who play video games, I only play single player, story driven games.

It's true, some activities carry stigmas that are difficult to overcome. However, we are who we are. It's just not practical to expect someone to stop every activity that might be found nerdy and replace them with more socially acceptable ones. Not sure I would want to know someone who was that much of a pushover either.

Anyway, the doing better with girls part. The two most useful pieces of advice I ever learned were:

1. Never take rejection personally
2. Just do it

No matter how odd or undesirable you think you may be, the only two relevant things you must change are to motivate yourself to take initiative, and develop thick skin. Everything else is minor details.

Yes, we are who we are. When I said you might need to "expand your world", I didn't mean you have to "stop every nerdy activity".

I simply meant that if you want to catch rainbow trout, you need to throw your line where they are, not where you wish they were.

If you get a multiplayer game, just have Xbox Live or Playstation Network assign you to a random group or room. My friends who play CoD on the 360 do that.

I've never understood the appeal of Magic, WoW, Starcraft and the such. My aspie interests are the workings of a public transit system, buses, airplanes, and just finding why things work. And none of those attract women. And the people who are into that kind of stuff are people who I'd never want to socialize with.

Luckily, I have a few "normal" interests as well.

i love this sentiment!