Would you dump someone who got fat?

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A little bit of weight, normal aging process are not reasons for me to end a relationship.

Becoming obese is. I don't feel attracted to really obese women, so I'd never be able to live with one.

In return, I do take care of myself.

Has it ever occurred to you that you can, to a degree, choose what world you live in? What we send out comes back to us. So maybe you need to look harder at what you send out.

To be blunt, if I met you in real life talking as you do here, we wouldn't have much to do with each other, ever. You are too locked in a negative mindset. Which means that in being so locked, you will attract those of like mind, and make your cynicism reality. It doesn't have to be that way.

Maybe you do need to move to an area that is more "you" to be able to see it .... there are people and sub-cultures I avoid.

There is a personal element to it, because weight control is very very hard for me. But I had years and years with a super hot body, teaching aroebics on the weekends, and so on ... but it is extremely difficult and actually unhealthy for me to sustain that when I do anything more than work a lax schedule, and it became impossible after two kids and a mortgage. Plus, to have that body I was hungry ALL the time. So any guy who wanted me to keep that past 50 would have had to make enough money to keep with a personal trainer and cook, while not needing me to hold any paid job, ever. And I didn't expect that from a life partner.

I did not mean to direct that right at you. I meant in general. If someone dumps someone they are in a LTR with because of weight gain then it is just physical, IMO.

That's fair and I don't think they should expect that from you, either

No, we probably wouldn't have much to do with each other. Me and most people don't have much to do with each other. I am locked in a negative mindset because I've never found a reason not to be. Every attempt on my part to extricate myself from that leads to more reasons not to. My recent experiences with some one whom, I had no intentions towards except friendship, have yet again shown me it isn't a good idea to get involved with other people's problems. I got used in order to make her Ex jealous. It's not confidence inspiring. Yes I realize that failure begets failure and success begets success. But there comes a point in time when you realize you are not having any successes and just need to cut your losses. Cynicism and derision protect me from that. I assume all outcomes will be negative, this insures if they are negative I don't get my hopes dashed, but on the other hand, should they turn out not to be negative, I get to be pleasantly surprised. This sort of thing doesn't happen very often though, typically my cynicism is proven correct and warranted.



Not in the slightest, I actually had a great deal of trouble reading his book.. and was very unhappy that it, along with the Infinite Jest, were the two books suggested by Barnes & Noble's completely unhelpful sales clerk after I requested more books from authors like Dave Eggers and Nick Hornby. I found Max's book revolting. I was simply making the statement that that seems to be the accepted lexicon for having sex with overweight girls and not wanting your friends to find out. I'm actually offended that you would compare me to him.

A strawman is where someone misrepresents their opponents arguments, then debunks their artificially set up fake version, then declares victory. Ad Hominem is where someone attacks their opponent personally, instead of their opponent's arguments. You've called out people for using ad hominem in this thread, even though you didn't call it that.

Sometimes people worry more about knowing the names of various fallacies than about what kind of actual logical error they represent, and it can get annoying to talk to them, but usually these things are just a shorter way to call out an opponent who did something less than logical.

I want to add to this.

The real painful thing is that we are so messed up as a society about what a heathly body looks like that women actually harm their health in pursuit of an unnatural thinness, and this unnatural pursuit ends up making women gain more weight, long run. We are not meant to starve ourselves, our bodies will literally change their metabolism in defense against the perceived famine, that you have now set yourself on an unsustainable cycle that makes it easier and easier to become overweight.

I have an 11 year old daughter who is so naturally thin that even when I buy slim jeans, we need to use an adjustable waistline so they don't fall down. I take in pretty much every piece of clothing I buy her. But you know what this child has been saying to me lately? She is worried she is FAT because she can pinch some tummy in her fingers.

There is much societal pressure to be thin, that even the thin girls end up with an "I'm fat" body image problem.

And in my opinion, every. single. guy. who says he wouldn't date a "fat" girl, or would dump a girl who gains a few pounds, is part of the problem, and is not part of the solution. You have no idea the world view you all are creating in young women, it is so unheathly and destructive. I really do not want to hear it.

People talk about pro dancers on Dancing with the Stars as being chubby. Excuse me??? No one is more fit.

When I had that hot body, the minute I heard a guy I was with making fun of other women's bodies, I dumped him. I already knew how destructive the talk was; I had worked in a health club and I knew many women's stories. And I immediately wondered what the guy was going to do if I held a few pounds after pregnancy; no one needs that crap in their lives; I married a man who could love me no matter what. And the funny thing, he has a great body, eats healthy naturally, etc - - unlike so many of the men I'd met dating who wanted ME to have a hot body, but didn't do anything to stay healthy themselves.

When my daughter, who is too thin to even buy clothes off the rack, worries she is fat, society has GONE TOO FAR.

So, yes, you can BET this is personal.

I dump people who can't take care of themselves. Or if they're complete jerks to my family or to me.

I agree with you entirely about society being to blame here, and I sympathize with your daughter. But I don't see how it is fair to make some one who isn't attracted to people who are overweight, and I don't mean like.. within a reasonable amount.. lie about that in order to make people feel better about themselves?

That means one person is lying and the other person is living in a relationship based on a lie.

As I've said, repeatedly, on this website, I'm not a big guy. I weigh 150lbs and am 5'10".. why should I have to lie about wanting a mate who is reasonable similarly sized to me? If she was 180 or maybe even 200lbs I'd probably be fine with it.. but I'm not going to go out with a girl who is above 200lbs. Ever. any more than I would go out with a girl who is more than 6' tall.

That's the one comment I will defend from rabbitss. I agree with a lot of those sentiments.

@DW
I can't step into your shoes, DW, but I can definitely sympathize with your viewpoints on the whole thing. I don't think it's fair to penalize other posters though for not sharing your views. I mean, I like women of all sizes, it's the ones that choose to neglect themselves once they are dating me for whatever reason (weight isn't the only thing, there is also personal hygiene) that I do not like. I believe communication is key, and I would raise concerns. I would also consider circumstances (psychological, physical illness, change of lifestyle etc.). And that I also have a responsibility to keep my partner happy.

I just think it's unfair to marginalize the complexities of this scenario in order to support a viewpoint, though, even one as valid as yours. Not all guys or girls dumping because partners become a strain over things like weight gain/ loss are jerks or b*****s. And there are people that do try to fix things or compromise usually before they run away (even in this day and age). The types of people you mentioned in your previous post are a-holes, but they shouldn't be lumped in with everyone dumps a partner down to weight issues (amongst other things). Imagine if I was beaten up by someone who happened to practise a certain faith and didn't agree with my views. Should I start thinking all people of that faith that disagree with my views are bullish thugs that oppress three thinking? Of course not! So while I understand it's personal, I ask you to understand personal experiences are personal, not absolute.

P.S. In case you didn't see my post earlier, given the circumstances I think it wouldn't be fair for a BF to expect those things from you they like you for who you are when they meet you. This also comes into my view on things. I go for the person I meet based on who they are at the time, that in my mind is the person I'm going to be going out with. It's a whole package, and if it changes there is only so much change I can accept before it's over. I of course try to be supportive, honest, tolerant, caring wherever I can, but when one gives and the other only takes it's destructive.

P.S.S. Yes there are a lot of problems with society, and the way women are pressured over weight in the media and with the media's influence on ignorant / less tolerant folk doesn't help. It's really escalated problems like eating disorders and bullying and suicides and so much other things esp. since the turn of the new century with music videos having a real impact.

Last edited by JanuaryMan on 12 May 2012, 7:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.

You don't have to lie, you just have to dance. Simply learn to say, "it would probably depend on the woman, but I do tend to be more attracted to women who close to a healthy size." Or, "my dream women is similar in size to me, ie thin, but I guess it could depend on the woman."

And this discussion, simply say, "I would not dump someone I cared about simply because she gained a few pounds."

All you got to do is open the door to not being entirely shallow and weight focused.

I think much more important than looking similar is having similar attitudes about exercise, food, and health. It is hard for someone who believes in working out an hour or more a day to be with someone who would rather watch TV, for someone who wants to eat seaweed and fish to be with someone who loves red meat, and for someone who wants to bake a cake for every celebration to be with someone who thinks serving fresh berries is better. While weight may be one indicator in this area, it isn't a very good one.

Sorry to post again so soon, but this one is important! It's better to go with someone that matches your needs to avoid these problems in the first place.

on this specific topic (reasons for divorce) i am basing my conclusions on actual evidence as opposed to anecdotes about my friends. divorce statistics and surveys are freely available.

i live in Edmonton, Alberta. i also lived for 5 years in communities ranging in size from 50 to 500 residents. so i have a pretty good idea of what it is like to live in a smaller centre. but as long as we are talking about the western world, the size of the community doesn't really affect people's reasons for divorcing.

why should a person avoid being obese if they are perfectly healthy? if an obese person is as healthy as a thin person (including the same life expectancy and quality of life) , then why should they exercise and eat better?

Last edited by hyperlexian on 12 May 2012, 8:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.

everyone changes. have you seen an 80 year old man naked? even if he is as fit as a fiddle, he sure as heck doesn't look like he is 20.