so if you didn't feel like you had to get a girl....

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okay, so, em_tsuj, you see it as an envy/keeping-up thing, not a social-pressure/social-judgement thing?

And you have been repeating this and ignoring guys here telling you they don't care of social pressure - a lot here don't even have a social life.

I don't think you see how unique you are in the fact that you are willing to date men who are mentally ill. We (male autistics) are not highly desired for romantic relationships because of the way that we act. It is abnormal. We are lacking in social skills. We are not pleasant to be around a lot of the times. Quite frankly, we are a lot harder to date than normal guys. So the experience of a lot the guys who come to this website is that other guys can get girls, why can't I? It's not fair. I think sex and romance is probably the number one area that autistic men struggle with because so much of it has to do with things we are not good at (social skills). Society has set up a system in which we cannot compete because the expectations of society are not within our ability to achieve. Imagine being told you have to play a game. Everybody else knows the rules of the game but you don't. You keep going out on the field and losing--not just losing, but getting skunked every single time. And you don't know what you are doing wrong. That is what it feels like for an autistic male to date (at least that has been my experience).

Or how about this? Imagine being crippled and not being able to use stairs and everybody expects you to get up the stairs everyday multiple times each day and won't help you up the stairs and they laugh at you or call you lazy because you can't get up the stairs. Navigating relationships is for us what using the stairs is for someone who is paralyzed from the waste down. Can the person do it? Maybe with a lot of effort but it will never be an easy or painless task. And self-pity is something the person might struggle with because that person's life is legitimately much more difficult than the lives of normal people. I hope my rambling has given you some insight into why all these guys come in here "whining". Is there anger toward women misdirected? Yes. But their pain is real, and their frustration is legitimate.

Here is the question that I have. Why do so many men externalize their anger, directing it toward women instead of blaming themselves? It seems to me that women are less likely to do that. Instead, they blame themselves, or they just say that it is unfair but don't take that extra step of blaming men for their aloneness. (I am not talking about all women. This is anecdotal, just the women I have seen here on this site), but I would be interested to know if it was a real phenomenon. Perhaps understanding it more would help prevent further killings of random women by angry men.

Last edited by em_tsuj on 13 Jul 2014, 8:44 pm, edited 4 times in total.

Real lovers wouldn't care how they are rated by others on the "quality" they can attract.



Yes this comic is pretty related, too lazy to translate, use your intelligence.

Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 13 Jul 2014, 7:23 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I personally don't see it as either. Humans are social creatures by nature, and nearly all of us have a desire for the type of close companionship that is only offered by a romantic relationship. Many studies have shown that being in a happy relationship can add years to your life and improve one's mental and physical well-being...happily married couples tend to outlive their single peers. If you look at music, art poetry...90% of it is about love and relationships. I think that it is simply part of being human to want to experience these things and to find someone that complements you to share your life with. I continuously keep trying and risking rejection because I know that if I don't, I will never find a relationship, so it is the only course of action I know how to take. I only had 2 dates until I was 26, which is when I started actually making a sustained effort to ask more people out and start dating.

Sure, there are people of both genders who look for a partner simply to validate their self-worth, but I don't believe that they are in the majority.

Right. I think the pressure is internal. I think it comes from comparing oneself with ones peers. I recognize that there is social pressure, but I think that young women feel the exact same pressure. I am not convinced that males experience it more than females.

On Wrongplanet, things are skewed because males outnumber females.

I see women talk about some of the same frustrations (not being able to get a relationship off the ground) but not as many because there are not as many female posters.

The bolded parts are what I'm talking about wrt social pressure.

I've actually been legit crippled, physically, for a year or so. But it happened after years -- decades -- of athleticism and developing a good relationship with my own body. While dealing with chronic pain was a serious struggle, I was surprised by how okay I was with watching other people get around, run, do all kinds of things I couldn't. I just understood that my situation wasn't theirs and my life wasn't theirs, and I thought it was nice they could do those things. I did learn to become demanding and inventive in seeking accommodations. But again, that's me, and that's after a long time highly able.



I really don't know. The few angry men who've troubled to explain themselves to me usually say that they do it in order to keep it from turning inwards, because it would be unbearable. But I don't know what the "unbearable" involves.

I see frustration, but not anger, and not the chronic "s/he shot me down".

I also see a lot of undergrads at an okay-but-not-great university. (Midwest, btw, not CA.) It just doesn't seem to me that the girls are all that anxious to get into relationships. To an extent that surprises me, because this was much more important when I was in college. But many of the girls I talk to are quite content to wait - they're busy with activities and school and competing for grad-school spots, and somewhere off in the hazy future, when they've got themselves established somewhere, family. There's almost a sense of irritation about it, like the boys will just waste their time. These are science girls, and they've got very rigorous coursework, but...yeah, even the arts girls seem very "well, I don't see the point, boyfriend's off to Europe for the semester so we might as well break up". Couples are very much the exception, which totally wasn't true when I was in college. Even though we thought we were pretty serious people.

^ That's a progress, they're starting to think like guys.

Why is tarantella still being allowed to get away with threads that are sexist against men? Have the mods sent her any kind of message at all? I'm going to make you a flowchart, tarantella, titled "When To Or Not To Click 'Submit'". Frankly, I'm tired of all kinds of sexism on this board.

Autistic people are 28 times more likely to commit suicide. hopelessness in our world often means suicidal.

Tarantella,perhaps you should check out "Ask an Autistic- How to be an ally " on youtube. I don't think you are aware of it [ I hope not] but much of what you post is making some terribly sad young people even more so. It's making some of them feel more hopeless. This should be a place where our people find comfort,not more pain.

Also,you continue to bring up NT rape figures. That is only a reminder of the fact that for Autistics, the rate of sexual abuse is so much higher at 96%. That is by far the majority of Autistics, both male and female. So much of what you say can be so triggering of the PTSD so many of us suffer.

NT rape figures?! I'm pretty sure those figures include aspies, too. And as I said elsewhere - LOTS of aspie women get raped and sexually assaulted. And nobody has been able to find the 96% figure that you bring up.

Well, it's for the same reason why some males are getting away with sexist threads/posts too. It's only fair tbh.

I am starting to agree with Alex on this matter, it can be amusing.

Keeping the fires of conflict burning just for the amusement of a few people isn't a good thing. It's a little trollish

I have the figures sources listed in a notebook that I am looking for. Since my living area is super tiny and I haven't found it, I assume that it at the shop. When I go down there later in the week I'll find it and share my resources. The figures blew me away [ not just for that, but for suicide and unemployment rates as well] and were one of the [many, especially concern for my own loved ones who are autistic] reasons I have been so actively involved in working to make the world better for Autistics.

I still say the best policy is to just ignore the troll posters.