Fear and Loathing Toward my Future, Nonexistent Wife

Post Reply New Topic

Checked your profile.
45 and worrying about what mean things a girlfriend will do to you?
Alpha male worries?

My good man, by the time you court a woman to the point that she sees you regularly, you'll be 48, best case.
You seem to have been waiting a LONG time for romance, yet dreading success!

With the caveat that not all women are alike (ladies, assume nothing I say is accurate and save your fingers lots of keystrokes. I won't read your replies anyway.), I allege a few logical pushes of evolution towards the superior half of our species:

1) When making babies, females of ALL species are looking for the best genes they can work with. In humans, the males they can successfully pair with become their standard for their next mate. They wish to do THAT well or better. Fondly remembering numerous exes in comparison to you does not bode well long-term. Women in our compatible age range probably have a few exes to use for comparison.
2) Women seek to strengthen bonds with men they perceive as superior, looking to "land" him.
3) Women that cheat will almost always do so with men that they perceive as superior to the one they have. (How much they value their men can and often does wane with time. This is evolution's way of promoting varied genetic content of babies. Evolution knows nothing of birth control, nor ethical valuation of marriage.)

You have Aspergers. Your fears are rational.
You've reacted to them with the expectation of having a typical relationship. ('Til death do you part monogamy)
That may be too high a standard and perhaps unnecessary.

Date. Just date. Multiple women. No sex.
Speed dating might be wise. 5 minutes spent with each prospective partner to practice your rapport skills to find out what works given the social awkwardness. Clean slate within 300 seconds to try again and tweak your approach.

Given your vision of a marriage made in heaven rent asunder by the succubus that lured you to the altar, you may be a bit delusional as to what your future wife is like.
Aspergers is going to take some getting used to. Many women will see it as (forgive me) a profound flaw in the pros and cons of dating you.
Accept any and ALL comers. Resolve to repeatedly date every woman willing to see a movie with you: pock-marked burn victim, paraplegic, morbidly obese, transgender, simpleminded, snaggletooth or any combination of the above.

Every woman can provide you with company to enjoy life with, if not a bed. Practice with sharing women's platonic company would be invaluable towards a goal of a romantic relationship.

It doesn't hurt that if a woman DOES start to wonder if she could make a go of things with you that your time is split with two or more other platonic women (work with three minimum. If you stop seeing one, you're too dependent) Refuse to stop seeing others platonically. This may help you avoid focusing on any one woman who likes you. This is good both to maintain her interest (a man who has a life is far more attractive to many women than one who wants too much of their time.) and to avoid any tendency you may have to steer things into a romantic situation too quickly and scaring her off. It'll be furiously tempting to ignore this last bit of advice. You must play the long game. Getting romance quickly may make it short term. Proceed SLOWLY. When you start to indulge, be honest with all of your ladies if they ask questions. A liar with Aspergers might get lonely real fast for good reason.

Feel free to get on with your day and ignore everything I said.

Quoting Allan Sherman:
"Good advice costs nothing and it's worth the price."

First of all, I'm not 45. I'm in my early 30's. The new WP (that I still think is worse than the old one) must have glitched or something.

Second, thank you for the respectful post. Far too many people acted quite dismissive, or even tore me down a little. But I realize that my fear is very rare, much like my phobia of a chandelier when I was a child. So I wasn't surprised that most people reacted with confusion, surprise, anger, and punishments, when I told them about being afraid of a chandelier in my home. This wife fear is no different. Except I'm getting negative reactions from marriage-minded or already-married fellow aspies.

I stepped away from this thread for a while to cool off mentally. I thought things over. I took stock of my dating history. All in all, it wasn't that bad, just sparse, at least when it comes to non-paid sex. My past girlfriends were quite pleasant to be around too. Let alone the women I met in more transient interactions (especially on cruises), that had me smiling at the memories for months.

But when it comes to my future WIFE, I simply cannot wrap my mind around her being anything other than cruel, vindictive, and rotten to the core. With a dedicated group of equally cruel, vindictive, and rotten friends, who will hate my guts and give her ideas on abusing me.

So there you have it. Just wanted to get the above paragraph off my chest.

Can't you just solve this problem by not getting married? No wife, no problem.

Occam's razor solution indeed. That's what I'll end up doing most likely. My family has long since given up on asking me when I'll get married. While I'm sure there are some benefits of marriage, the risk of being abused is just too great.

If a woman hits you, you leave her the first time it happens. That's all you can do. And that will prevent you from ending up in a situation where your wife physically abuses you... Because if someone is physically abusive, you'll be aware of their tendencies before you marry them. You're not wrong about our court system favoring women in these situations, but that's not an excuse to let it happen to you, or to assume that it will.

And being able to show your weaknesses in a relationship is a good thing, it means you trust the person. It actually takes a strong person to show their vulnerabilities because they're opening themselves up to possibly being hurt. And if a woman is in love with you then trust me she's going to want to see your weaknesses, because she's probably insecure too about the sh***y things you COULD do to her... But if you have a strong relationship neither of you will do sh***y things to each other.

You just have to learn some self defense without actually hitting a woman. My exboyfriend showed me. He had me hit him but instead he grabbed my hand when I got it near him.

Yes and yes.



Unfortunately the way that abusive relationships work is often not that clear cut. The abuser works their charm at first and slowly takes control over the victim's life cutting them off from family and friends, gaslighting them and making them believe that they have no way out. It's complicated.

Sorry, I'm not being very reassuring, but it's a fear of mine too. I noticed signs of narcissism in an old roommate and got the hell out of there when my spidey senses started to tingle because I recognised the signs from previous relationships, so there is a possibility that you will be able to stop yourself from getting into such a marriage if you are aware of the warning signs in the first place.

I thought this was a good short summary of signs to be wary of http://www.wikihow.com/Spot-a-Pro-Social-Psychopath

At the end of the day try and trust your judgement. Not everyone is a sociopath with a personality disorder. It is quite possible that you will meet a genuine loving woman.

Can any woman marry, or remain married to, a man who treats her as if she has all the negative qualities the OP is assigning her? I don't think so. And if there is such a woman out there, I feel really, really sorry for her.

Most marriages don't have a way out for men. At least not without losing his house, his car, his dog, and his custody of kids. And on top of that, paying child support (which would be fair, if he could make sure it goes to his kids, which doesn't always happen) and paying alimony for the rest of his life.

Meh. I'm not holding my breath for a "genuine loving woman". I've seen enough TV shows starring abusive wives to know it's a utopia nowadays. Even the old classic "Married with Children" has plenty of that. Although even there, Peg's abusive behavior toward Al looks downright campy, compared to the raging, screaming wives in today's sitcoms. Yeah yeah, "it's just a TV show!". But art imitates life. And then life starts to imitate art. Hence, this thread, 12 pages and counting.

Couples possess things jointly. You are assuming everything belongs to the male partner.




I saw zombies on TV!

It's all bullcrap--because it's HYPOTHETICAL!

Yes it's true. It's very easy to say you won't get in one but the truth is, the abusers can seem like nice people and then over time they eventually start to show their true colors and it happens very slowly and before the woman knows it, it's become more of a daily bases and the longer you stay, the harder it is to leave. Abuse doesn't happen over night, it happens gradually. Some women leave after the man hits them once and once is enough because they don't want to be a fool and believe it was only that one time and even justify it.

This thread is just bizarre.

It makes as much sense as me saying I'll never get a goldfish, because I just know it will keep me up all night playing drums and when I'm at work it'll terrorise the cat, shoot ferrets at the dog and swap the glass in the windows for cake.

And then disagreeing with anyone who says that's patent nonsense, by spouting more nonsense.

As I thought about this thread, an old fairytale that I read as a kid but had forgotten about (no Disney movie) popped into my head. It is weirdly similar. The fairytale is called Clever Elsie. The fairytale has no chance of being made into a Disney movie but the star of the fairytale is the OP in every respect but gender.

http://www.authorama.com/grimms-fairy-tales-33.html

In this weird fairytale, Elsie is a girl who has caught the eye of a boy named Hans. He is looking for a smart girl and he becomes convinced that Elsie is smart because other people get drawn in to her elaborately detailed hypothetical disaster scenarios.

Her parents send her down into the basement for more beer and while there she sees an ax stuck in the ceiling. This causes her to worry about marrying Hans, having a child, sending the child downstairs for more beer, and having that child get killed by the ax getting dislodged. This makes her so upset she starts crying and in re-telling this hypothetical to her family they get all worked up about it too and start crying along with her. Hans figures she's smart to think everything through to that degree and marries her.

Then she proceeds to wreck her life because she can't tell hypotheticals from reality. It's eerie.

OP, don't be Elsie!

^ Or he may continue being so until he finds his Hansette!

Well, I think that Janissy's fable is a good place to end this discussion. Pretty much sums it all up.