Women, what attracts you to a man?

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I think the problem is more that people tend to follow advice more/less blindly and superficially and never truly buy into it. It’s easier to understand if you internalize the theory behind why advice works. I have reservations about PUA, but I can’t dispute that it works. PUA’s that get relationships (as opposed to ONS), understand the theory and practice of relevant psychology.

Bea, Fnord, and myself offer advice that is fundamentally the same thing from three different angles. My particular view is theologically/spiritually oriented—basically, EVERY human being is flawed, broken, and vulnerable, and the evil of humanity permeates every decision we make. Best example: Why do Christians get saved? Not because they love God. Because they don’t want to go to Hell. We are trapped in a tug of war between our own selfish nature and a God who desires our authentic love and adoration. Our relationship to heaven hinges on reconciliation of God with man despite that selfish nature. And therefore all human relationships, as a reflection of that internal spiritual war, hinge on the same reconciliaton of man with man, a tug of war between our own selfish desires individually and the selfish desires of others.

I understand that not everyone shares my beliefs, but the struggles of human nature are real and just as evident to unbelievers. My advice is always to be the first to recognize that you are not the only person who values things and people and meet the values of other people that YOU value where they are. Doing so makes you attractive, and because you meet people on their level supplying their needs, people will value you just as much and seek you out the same way they seek out shelter, food, and water.

Bea and Fnord have different ways of looking at this and give advice that would work probably just as well. There’s not a single answer that works best for everyone. Where our advice falls apart is in application. The three of us have several years, maybe even decades, of experience. In our eyes, it seems easy. It IS easy.

We buy into our own advice easily because we’ve seen the results firsthand.

Which is the problem for those we offer advice to. The problem is that by only looking at advice and applying it superficially with the wrong expectations, it’s easy to become discourages when you don’t see results. Our advice is the culmination of HABITS we’ve developed over time. We don’t do what we do consciously. But for me, I had to start out deliberately with new behaviors. It wasn’t authentic or natural. It was awkward to other people. Now it’s routine.

I still catch myself resisting it at times. For example, two days ago I was talking to my wife when my 6-year old just started rambling about his day. My first thought was “oh great, he’s never gonna shut up.” And then I snapped out of it and listened, because he doesn’t really open up that much like that. So when he paused, I said, “Then what happened?” And just kept it going as long as he was in the mood to talk. It wasn’t that I really cared about what he had to say. It’s that HE is important to me, and I wanted him to know that. Being bored and telling him to hush so I could run my mouth at my wife wouldn’t have communicated what I really feel. And I can’t help
thinking one day I’ll want him to talk to me and he won’t.

It’s not easy forming those good habits. And people will instantly notice what you’re doing and it will be weird. Kept up over time, though, people will come to expect it. When that happens, you’ll start getting results. Slow results, but results.

The problem is too many of us get too frustrated after too few attempts. You effect changes in relationships over time with consistent, habitual behavior. A certain type of person can do this effortlessly: the kind of person who values PEOPLE more for who they are than for what they have to offer.

In other words, having this person in your life is more important than making him or her a bf/gf. You leave the option of being more than friends on the table, and if that person expresses interest in more, you go for it. And when things start to unravel, YOU are the first one to scoop this person in your arms, tell her you love her, that you see how unhappy she is, and it’s time to begin the next chapter. You give it an appropriate amount of time, and then you call up what’s-her-name and start all over again.

Whether you adopt my style, or follow Fnord or Bea, or some fusion of all of us, the main thing is be patient and consistent, and keep expectations reasonable.

Perhaps ... but there are some generalities that can be made to cover all target groups. I have never met any woman in any country I've visited who was attracted to men who were overweight, unemployed, ignorant, and boring slobs. As for that list I posted earlier -- the one that included only features mentioned by women on this website -- the more of those features a man displays, the more likely that any women will be attracted to him.

I'm not convinced that a high total age of the primary advisers here is a good thing.

I have a feeling that relationships in the past were easier.

It also seems like none of them have any recent experience with new relationships.

I think how many people you attract is not important. I don't believe in mass-dating, and IMO, it's quite enough to only attract ONE woman. Therefore, advice aiming at maximizing the number of people that think you are attractive is not that useful.

You are normal - we're all normal, just a little different from everybody else. We see the world and act differently, on the outside we're all the same. I think others experience most of what we do, anxiety, depression, etc, but they handle and cope with it better than we do. You're a good person and I enjoy reading your posts, and you've helped out the OP here. Your Autism makes you who you are and I'm sure many here wouldn't change you for the world.

Be proud of who you are!
We should all be proud of who we are.

Only needing to be attractive to a single woman is a natural consequence of monogamy. After all, there is no inherent advantage in trying a huge number of potential partners. It only creates shallow connections and it isn't promoting doing your best to adapt to another human. Besides, this kind of behaviour never was the norm in the past so we are not adapted to it.

I'm not interested in back-up plans. I'm also not interested in having women as friends unless they are exciting and fun and the same applies to men too. I also won't go from friend to partner.

It's only in theory your way is better. Dating is a high failure rate activity. Your pool of women that are not available has a low probability of generating a potential partner. Neurodiverse courtship is a low failure rate activity. The interest is exclusive and so once it is mutual the probability of generating a potential partner is high.

I think the partner switch process is also different. Instead of serial monogamy relationship are more independent.

Obvious #1: No come-on, no rejection.

Obvious #2: No relationship, no break-up.

Obvious #3: No marriage, no divorce.

So let's all just retreat, each one to his or her cozy little cave, and forget about the rest of humanity!