Could you be loved?

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This is an incredible post, I couldn't have put it any better.

Following this model, I'm guessing that I just don't feel physical attraction at all... everytime I have felt anything for anybody, it was developed over a long period of time, from months to years.

What would that accomplish other than get my hopes up for no reason?

How has it not started when people my age are tying the knot? I'm too far behind to ever catch up. Unless the idea is I wait for a 40 year old divorcee, and then there's all this other crap involved...

This is the main thing that confuses me to no end... How exactly does being selfish make you a better person to those around you?

Don't get me wrong, I don't just drop everything to go date a woman... I usually just end up falling for women that I already share a good deal of my time with anyway. Or, at the very least, a woman that has common interests with me that we can share (all but 1 of the women i have ever been attracted to were involved in either the IT field or music performing). My attraction to women isn't based solely on a timer of how long I've known her; there also needs to be some reason for attraction to exist...

I think it's a mistake to think of it as "being selfish." It's more about being whole...being complete in your own skin. I know it might seem contradictory, but the more you have taken care of your own needs, the better a partner you'll be, if/when the opportunity arises. And until that time, you would feel better about yourself.

Well, if you ever think about sex, and if you masturbate, then you feel physical attraction. It can be suppressed, though, via emotions. But it's still there.

You know fully well why I'd suggest as much, so I'll just skip over the repeated explanation. Nonetheless, could you at least do us the favor on this forum?

Interesting... Makes me curious what culture you live in. Most of my friends are unmarried, all about my age range. Maybe my area is just a bit odd, I don't know. Nowadays they're starting to get hitched more though. One of my best friends is getting married this year, the first among the bunch of us.

Personally I don't know what the attraction is to getting hitched early in life. With college, and an un-secured career path, and all the freedom in the world now available to do anything, it's like, why would you want to introduce a binding, limiting variable so soon? *edit - That said, it's getting about time, for me. Early 30's seems good.
But that's just me.

So anyways... Okay, I guess since you're not getting married at 22, that means you're for sure getting married 20 years later, and no earlier.
...Yeah, that makes sense....

Well, being selfish doesn't make you a better person to those around you. So don't do that, that'd suck.

Thanks for the vote of confidence! if you- or if anyone else- have any ideas they would like to share, let me know.

Probably the first step is to start a thread, and see if this would interest other Aspies, and what they would like this program to cover.

I have to suppress it... the sex drive is such a dangerous thing. I see people get into purely physical relationships that disintegrate just as quickly as they appeared. I keep hearing tales of infidelity, of how X cheated on Y with Z (one of the only things keeping me sane, ironically enough, as it lessens the blow of not having a woman myself)... I keep hearing tales of the drunk man waking up next to some woman he doesn't even know. And don't even get me started on unwanted pregnancy... I couldn't hope to support a child of my own, as much as I want one, in the economic condition that I'm in. But I'd love to have someone with me nonetheless, so I don't have to be alone. And just maybe, when the day comes that I can support a child, I won't have to start my search from square one, being even further behind everyone around me...

I guess I could say it just to placate the people around me, but I'm afraid that I would start deceiving myself as to my chances...


Yeah, you're probably right... I'm probably just blowing this out of proportion. That and I have a lot of friends in their 30s, so a lot of the time I feel like I'm older than I actually am...


It's just that I feel like if I don't have an opportunity now, I'd never have one in the future...

But that's what you're advocating...

This is EXACTLY how I am too. (Except, to quote you from another post, "just switch the sexes"). In fact, that was one of my biggest "problems", is that men always wanted something quickly- they always seemed to know, in a flash, if they were attracted or not. I don´t understand this either; a good looking man is just a good looking man, but it doesn´t mean I want to sleep with him...and, sometimes, I feel a total attraction to the man who is considered less good looking conventionally (after I get to know him well enough, if I like him). This is why a lot of this "power dating" stuff would never have worked for me.

I have actually read, in Sarah Hendrickx´s book "Love, Sex and Long-Term Relationships", that this is actually quite an "Aspie thing". NTs tend to be much quicker at feeling attraction (this is a generalization, but as a generalization it seems to be true). I have a theory about this, too; although NTs might think they are attracted to physical traits, I think they´re really "attracted" to each other via those subconscious, intuitive signals they pick up. As we are pretty much left out of that world, we need to get to know someone slowly, like them, and feel a connection with them, before we love them.

Frankly, I think it´s totally refreshing that a man voices this point of view. You are what we would call "a gentleman".



You can be "alive" and your life can have meaning regardless of whether you´re in a relationship or not! It sounds like you´re using a relationship as a yardstick to determine how "worthy" you are. If you rely on other people to determine your own self worth, you´re giving them all the power. Self esteem comes from within, only you can bestow it upon yourself. I think that´s what all these people mean by "loving yourself": it´s not "being selfish". (Although I used to confuse the 2 too, when I was younger). I used to have a great quote about this whole idea of self esteem. I´ll try to find it, and then post it.

Purely physical relationships can be fun. There's nothing inherently wrong with them, unless you're subscribed to any of the major religions (and lets face it, in religion EVERYTHING fun is supposed to be evil and wrong!). It's wrong to engage in them under false pretences - telling a girl you love her and then never calling her after you're done with her is not a nice thing to do. Telling a girl you're just out for a little fun and seeing how far it develops - that's honest, and there's no reason why a relationship can't develop from that. Actually, I'd say this is the best way to start a relationship - nothing worse than getting in too deep with someone and then realising they're completely wrong for you.

Your lack of attraction is down to one of two things. Either you're just very asexual - some people are, and there's nothing wrong with it - or you're suppressing your libido. The tone of this last post suggests the latter! Yes, sex is a powerful drive - nothing can quite drive you insane the same way! - but it isn't necessarily a bad thing. Suppressing it is worse - you need to satisfy what is really a very basic need.

I can't help but map my own experiences onto this, because I felt very similarly - a deep need to hook up with someone, and never meeting the right girl. (If I'd actually realised it, there was a young lady in my university hall of residence who was quite keen on me - I never noticed...) I felt lonely and despaired of ever meeting anyone. Eventually I realised I was looking at the wrong people, when summer came along and I noticed my eyes were drawn more to the young men on campus. It took me a while to get anywhere in that direction either, but that's another story!

So here's a good question - are you sexually interested in women, or men, or neither? Or both? This isn't a matter of choice - if you're trying to be the default model when you're not programmed that way, you won't find anyone attractive.

As for fathering children you aren't ready for, or waking up after a drunken night out to a complete stranger - these things are under your control. Really. You choose to drink, and how much. You choose whether to use contraceptives (a good idea for a number of reasons). Letting your sex drive loose isn't going to turn you into a monster.



Entirely correct. But there's a world of difference between being selfish and doing things for your own benefit. If you go to your bank and ask for a loan, are they more likely to give you money if you're a sensible man with a steady job and a good credit history, or an unemployed layabout with a string of defaults? Dating is just the same. A woman will be much more interested in a man with his own interests and his own life; if your reason for existence is to satisfy her every need, she's likely to run a mile. If she doesn't, YOU should run a mile - it will not be a healthy relationship.

Your first task is to make peace with yourself. After that, finding a relationship is much easier - and much less important.

I think it all boils down to one point:

This is the #1 thing I'm afraid of more than anything else... I'm afraid that my sex drive, left unchecked, will do incredibly hurtful things to myself and others.

In the long run, not letting it loose will do you more harm.

I've never been afraid of my libido - for me, my own temper was always the #1 scary thing. I find it very difficult to get angry nowadays - but if I feel it coming on, it terrifies me even now.

It's not that I keep it suppressed forever and ever. I do let it out when I'm alone, but I can't let it harm anybody else...

Everything that I can't directly control about myself terrifies me... I fear losing control of my mind, to the point that I will suppress anything that could do such a thing within myself...

I would like to note that this is not necessarily the case. I am capable of being physically attracted to a woman, but only AFTER I have an emotional connection, which is very difficult to develop. Without an emotional connection, the 'lust' side of lust/love isn't there. So perhaps while it is more common to be physically attracted to someone before loving them, it is not the only possible way.

its also more feminine to want the emotional aspect before the physical, which is not a problem, and wins us points with some women. When a woman realizes that you aren't solely after sex and are dating her becasue she is valuable as a person, she will respect you more.


Most, in fact all, of my friends are much older than myself. I'm 22, my youngest friend is 38, and I know what you mean about feeling past your dating prime, however, if you think about it, Men are still easily in their dating prime until at least the late 30s.

Women, am I even close? 37/38 sound like big numbers, but if you look at a 37 year old guy, such can easily be attractive.
Brad Pitt, the stereotypically considered attractive movie star, is 46, and I highly doubt you would find many women who would call him terribly past his dating prime.


This will sound dumb, but I doubt you have that much to worry about. seeing you list of positive attributes now and then (and knowing you're an aspie), I can say with high confidence that as you get older, and are considered by women further past college age, you will gain a lot in their estimation compared to most guys. frequently, 20 year old women still want to date bad guys/rebels/etc. 30 year old women are smarter than that. They more often want to date a good, kind family-type man with a stable career who knows who he is.

@Toad, your running list of positive attributes/behaviors now includes:

I can fix computers,
I can sing
I can do artwork in photoshop (and I mean actual art, not just editing someone's face onto someone else's body)
I'm helping out in my church's youth program today
I just made a new photoshop artwork today
Thoughtful dream interpretation
Good at making friends with women
I'm a kind person

I think children are a lot of the attraction. In my family, the trend is to have children rather late in life. Consequence? No one in my family knows their grandparents, because the grandparents are gone by the time the children are forming coherent memories. My best friend's little sister (the little sister is in her 20s) just had a baby, and now there are FOUR generations of that family alive and I can't help confessing a little envy.

Back when I was in high school, I used to say that if I were going to have children, I would want to have them early to break my family's trend. I woke up one morning at nearly 27 and realized I had kinda missed the boat for early children. Now several years have passed since then and I'm STILL waiting to be a mommy. And every year, my mother's health declines a little more...

I don't understand the big thing about having children, like you HAVE to do it. I mean everyone does it, why not do something more creative with your life?