"Friends with benefits" is nonsense.

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There's a difference between fwband f**k buddies

Do you actually believe, octobertiger, that it's healthy to advocate for a hefty amount of dissociation of one's internal self from the external world to avoid pain?

To separate one's mood/being from one's experiences you might as well be a solipsist. Why would you even bother experiencing anything? Are you a narcissist too? Because that would explain a lot.

I have suffered from depression for a bit over a decade. I practiced distancing myself from society as much as I felt I could while still maintaining my existence/comfort to the levels I wanted. I could cope a lot better, I was in less pain. I also experienced less pleasure (not a whole lot less as there was hardly any in my life then) but it DID allow me to live as when I let go of social cares, I stopped being suicidal.

To separate experience from oneself IS making a void, a rather large one at that. I suppose if you do a good enough job of creating that hole you are blinded to the idea that there's even something else out there that's worth feeling bad for. But that's rather like saying you're better off dead too.

And yes, I believe that 'void' is a factual thing, in a grand/meta sense, which can be applied the same way in a smaller sense. It is fact that without outside stimuli, you would be nothing. Your brain wouldn't develop if you truly had 0 outside stimulus. There'd be nothing to think about, you wouldn't even have a concept of yourself even if you had some sort of rudimentary thought processes due to the pure genetics creating a mind. It logically follows that the flip side of this, the most alive you could ever be would be to react to all the stimulus you can get!

Once we're adults, I suppose you don't require outside experience to affect you, and you might be able to happily live within your own thoughts, but that's still a limited way to desire to live, to purposefully ignore the outside world completely.

Another beef I have with what you've said is that you somehow make it sound easy to dissociate yourself and that it's a full 100% choice to choose how we react to events or choose to believe things. This is utter nonsense. If we had this sort of control this forum wouldn't exist as autism wouldn't exist. The majority of people have emotional reactions to events, even among people with ASD, and these reactions aren't really within our control. Sure, some of them are, but a lot of them are quite strongly ingrained. Sexual feelings and desires are one of these things.

I am only 30, I don't have a lifetime of experience to go by, but before I experienced orgasm and eventually had sex, I bought into the touted idea that 'sex is what you make it out to be'. I found out I was wrong. Sex, as has already been said, involves physiological changes beyond mere orgasm that, in most people, will affect how you feel.

Don't get me wrong, the general 'mind over matter' idea can be an extremely powerful and beneficial tool. But it's naïve to try and help someone by saying 'oh it doesn't matter that you don't have a serious romantic partner, best to let go of that idea, it's just a lie anyways', as if holding onto that idea is a negative thing. I would 100x rather have longing to fill an emptiness than have nothing to want. Personally, I DO think sex is one if not the most intimate experiences one can have with someone. Even if a lot of it is in my mind, (and I know I can at least somewhat affect the emotional part of sex), at least it's based off of a real act.

How? The very definition of the "benefits" part is a reference to sexual activity.

One involves genuine friendship, the other just being there for sex

I cannot get my head around the fact that fwb is a genuine friendship. I just think there is nothing genuine about it. You are basically using the person for sex. The whole "friend" does not technically mean friend. I mean in the sense of a normal friendship. Hanging out with someone one day and the next having sex with them without romance sounds like you are just trying to get your rocks off without any type of connection. For me there has to be a romantic connection for me to have sex with someone.

Plus, most women do not want to have sex with you if they see you as a friend just my experience. I mean the girls I dealt with were not physically attracted to me. The only way fwb happens is if they are physically attracted to you. The fact is I am one unlucky person so fwb would never just happen to me.

I have been so unlucky all my life with women and it just plain sucks. They always always always lose interest after one date, after a week, after 4 months. The lose of interest always seems inevitable. I just feel somebody does not want me to stay in a relationship.

I just do not get that you have sex with someone and then you start an fwb after you have sex with them. How does that work? I mean how did you get them to have sex with you? It makes no sense to me.

The rationale behind such activity is basically this: one or both of those involved have decided they don't want to commit emotionally, or share any responsibility beyond the moment. Its inherently self-centered, and the reason why so many accept it is because of the prevalent "moral relativism" philosophy. After all, if nothing's completely right or wrong, sin doesn't exist. No sin equals no eternal penalty, and in turn no need for a Savior. In the end, its all about erasing God from daily life.

Not really.
Bear in mind that not everybody believes in God (hence, there is no God to erase in the first place) ... and even those that do, most of them won't believe in the same God which you do. There are all manner of Gods in the world, you know... and not all of them have the same stance on sexuality.

For example, if people want to have f*ckbuddies while maintaining a true connection to God in day to day life then I would recommend they perhaps follow the teachings of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Because TFSM doesn't feel moved to dictate (or restrict) what people get up to sexually.

Be sure to chant this prayer from time to time, to thank His Great Noodliness for such freedom :

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZmBQz6XGMbI[/youtube]

Just because different belief systems exist in the world, that doesn't make them all correct. People are free to believe whatever they want, but truth isn't defined that way. One of the biggest lies in all philosophy is "it doesn't matter what you believe, as long as you're sincere". You don't even need a religious book to know this; its a violation of basic logic. No two concepts can be equally true in the same sense and at the same time; in the end, someone has to be right, and everyone else wrong. Rejecting absolute truth leads to all sorts of moral chaos, because there's no concrete standard for any choice you make.

... and yet, that doesn't seem to prevent a lot of people from trying to convince everybody else that their own particular imaginary friend (or friends) is/are real, and the only one/s which actually exist...

I wholeheartedly agree with this.

I can only speak for myself when I say that not all FWBs means sex. Some people just mess around.

Why don't you think there is anything genuine about the friendship?

What is a normal friendship?

And who said anything about having romantic-less sex?

The only way FWBs worked for me is that the sexual aspect happened only a couple of times. Obviously I had an emotional connection to them. I am not capable of meaningless/romantic-less sex/sexual escapades.

Anyway I guess it just comes down to what works for some, won't work for others. I strongly prefer being in a relationship but sometimes the circumstances does not allow for it.


EDIT: As for how it happens, it just sort of did for me. We hung out, flirted, and one thing led to another.
Only one girl do I recall us actually sitting down and discussing what had happened the night before. We both agreed that we found the other attractive and enjoyed each others company but we didn't want anything serious (I had just gotten out of a nasty relationship at the time) and she had her own reasons at the time I can't remember.

If one wants sex, and the other not, then one is using the other for sex. But thats not what friends with benefits is about, so an relationship, where one uses the other is not related to that. But if both want sex, then both have a benefit from it.

Dont know how the term is used around your area, but around here friends means technically friends. Someone you trust, someone you like, someone you like to spend time with each other, but that you are simply not in love with.

Thats absolutely what its about. You aer having a strong physical desire, but are not in love right now with someone, so have no possibility to rock that off in an relationship. Its nothing else like a One night stands, but with more safety and sympathy.

Thers is absolutely nothing bad about that, and noone is damage by you needing a romantic connection, to have sex with someone. Just as noone is hurted, by two grown up people agreeing with each other, to both have physical desire, they can right now not "rock off" because of them having no partners.

Normally, when I am horny, I am simply horny. Not about someone specific, but simply because as a young one, there is nothing atypical about having strong sexual desires. And sure you normally do FWB with someone that you like, and does physically not disgust you. ^^ But when it comes to having an relationship, its not only about attractivity and friendly feelings toward, but as well if you share the same dreams and goals in life. You will as well know tons of people, that really are nice, and that maybe would do wonderful partners for a certain short time...but you know by logic that there is simply no use having an relationship with them, because of you both already knowing at the beginning, that it doesnt work. If you dream with spending your life on your partners side on a countryside, while you know that your opposite is a globetrotter and needs to travel around for being happy... If you dream about kids, while your opposite cant stand them...

There is nothing bad about having different desires for your later life, but logic simply tells you, that there is no need to get emotionally involved with that person, more then friendship is about.



Normally a friend with benefits, should be about a friend, so you normally already know him before for a long time, eitherwise he wouldnt be your friend. And then you simply ask about it with words by simply explaining the situation, that you have right now a strong sexual need, while on the other side you dont feel to someone related for having an relationship with him. And if it would be ok for him, and if he feels equal about it. (Means no emotional desire, but neutral friendship about it.)

Its nothing more like One night stands, so its about sex. But instead of meeting creepy strangers, its about someone you trust.

In my case, I was the one who initated the FWB relationship. I wanted to have sex on a semi-normal basis... but still shop around.

Um yeah, didn't work out. Ended up falling head-over-heels and he unceremoniously dumped me. So for the first time in my life, I'm all about those "committed relationships" baby.

Just from my experience, I think women usually get the bad end of the deal. Somehow, men can tell when a women has been "around the block" a few times. Ever since my FWB, no guys have made a move on me. Figures right?

Re the bolded part: that's you, and you shouldn't project yourself onto other people. I don't go around telling people: "I prefer relationship sex greatly, but I also quite enjoy a bit of good dirty fun, and there's something wrong with you if you don't."

As for the "no connection" part; personally, I have a connection with my friends; it's called "friendship". And it's not using the other person for sex; if I had a FWB I would hope they enjoyed it too.

Your logic is sound but that doesn't mean your premise is correct. Why is Christianity the One True Truth?

Discussing that here would seriously derail the entire thread, simply because there's so much to explain. If you'd prefer a separate thread for Christian apologetics, let me know, and I'll start one.