Why is "Ghosting" Socially Acceptable?

Post Reply New Topic

BOOM. That was great. Thanks for giving all who have been ghosted/faded a voice. Stick to your ideals. Be unrealistic. Be kind in an unkind world and expect it back.

You're doing it to help them, like telling someone their shirt is on backwards. There is so much going on in a date that they probably don't attribute it to the pic. Remember, they see themselves everyday in lots of lights/makeup statuses/hairstyles, good days and bad, so they truly don't know that they look significantly different than the pic. Plus looks don't matter as much to some, now she will think it's something she SAID or DID. Be honest.

You know what though? Like someone said earlier, she doesn't owe you anything but she has to accept the consequences of being rude. You showed up on her doorstep, making it worse for her, consequence. You didn't know it was creepy until you learned after that. Maybe she learned a lesson, but I doubt it. I'd like to say that if more people
did creepy things like show up in doorsteps, others would do less creepy things like ghosting!

I think what people are debating on the sex makes exclusive is old rules vs new rules. Old rules, exclusivity is implied after sex, even after a few dates. New rules is: you have to have a conversation specifically stating. Look at the ages of people on both sides of this argument and I bet you will find this to be true.

I think this is a culture thing too, as I've reviewed dating practices in other parts of the country. In the US, there has been a "hookup culture" and shift to this which has changed the rules. Big study and article on this in a journal a while back.

This is actually easy to answer.

When we don't like someone or we're tired of talking to them, we just stop replying and stop picking up phone calls. This is especially the case if it's with someone we don't know. If we feel like someone likes us and we don't like them back, at first we will be nice but then we become distant.

Why we do this? Because this lets the other person know that we're not interested without getting verbal with them. Yes it can be mean and it hurts sometimes but that's the hard part about dating.

It would still be easier to have a definite answer. In my own experience I don't EVER stalk people. What happens to me is I assume if they don't respond for 4-5 days they're possibly fading me. I send a text telling them if they don't respond I'm going to delete their number, unfriend them on facebook, etc... If they try to apologize it's too late. I probably end it prematurely most of the time, but seriously, screw them.

The problem is you never know. If someone normally responds to a text within an hour and then they don't for several days it could easily mean they suddenly decided to fade. I could mean something else, but I can't deal with not knowing. Better to just dump them than play their games. Now I only remain friends with people who are responsive and respectful. Screw the other 90% of humanity that isn't.

Personally I wouldn't burn any bridges. I've mentioned before I have a former gf who seems to get off on showing up in my life at random times and just mysteriously vanishing soon after. It used to bother me, but now when it happens I just get a chuckle out of it. I have another "friend" who blocked me on Google+, and for the life of me I can't figure out why. But this is a person who has always shown very odd, inconsistent behavior, so I don't let it get to me. I don't try to contact these people. I just leave the door open if they decide to change their mind.

I wouldn't unfriend anyone or delete any numbers. If I've contacted someone and they don't respond after 3 attempts to reach them, I won't try to contact them again. 1 time, they could just be busy and a text/voicemail just got buried. 2 times, could be trying to get rid of me, could be this person was in an auto accident or contracted ebola. 3 times, either it's serious or this person doesn't want to talk to me. Either way, this person is definitely unwilling or unable to get back to me, so I'm leaving her alone.

Depends on the situation, too. If we go out once or twice, I'm not going to push it. If I've known her for years and we're in a serious relationship, I'll go over to her house just to make sure she's ok. That would be an EXCELLENT time if she wants to tell me she's dumping me. Stuff happens--could be something as simple as bad Chinese food or a bad batch of Blue Bell ice cream.

The real trick to all of this is that you really get to know people you think are dating material before you even ask them out. Is this someone who chronically fades or has a history of calling police on supposed "stalkers"? Because the idea that she might be a crazy person who calls the cops just because I stopped by to make sure she's ok doesn't sit well with me. The best way to deal with a chronic fader is to never date her in the first place.

Here's a thought: People who date should have dating resumés complete with references. That might make it easy to sort out everyone who is easily bored, gold-digging, or chronic faders. You call up the last guy and ask why they broke up. If he says, "We never broke up." O rly? "Nope, never happened. Things were great, then she just dropped off the planet. Hey, if you see her, tell her she needs to get her bathroom stuff from my apartment before I put them in the trash."

There was an article in my local paper that discussed ghosting, and the reason people do it apparently is:

If someone breaks up in a straightforward manner, the other person will have hurt feelings.

If someone ghosts, the one ghosting won't know what the other person's feelings are (though the one on the receiving end is likely clearly upset), thus absolving the ghoster of any guilt from hurting the other person's feelings.

It appears to be more of an ego/pride thing than anything else.

People just like to avoid conflict or issues, so they resort to avoident or socially common behaviors.

Those that don't just ghost you but are brave enough to confront you still might do the whole stereotypical, generic, "you're a nice person, but I think we should just be friends/see other people/it's not you, it's me/etc."

I think it's more hurtful to ghost than to break up because when you do break up with someone, there will still be hurt feelings but it will spare them the anxiety and going crazy over you being silent because they don't know what's going on and they won't feel trapped in a relationship and they can move on knowing they are single and you don't wish to be with them.

I don't believe "ghosting" is the right move...in most instances. It's the "punk" way of getting out of a relationship.

With clingy people though, who don't take "no" for an answer, "ghosting" might be the smart thing to do.

lol, and that's why people that are quick to ghost others themselves usually become enraged when someone does it back to them. Whereas someone that isn't eager to ghost others probably just feels a bit of disappointment afterwards.

Agree with clingy people. I'd add that I don't think that's really fading. When you get faded, you get nothing. It's not even really a breakup. It's a non-breakup breakup, hence the "punk" nature of it. When you tell a clingy person that as far as you're concerned they no longer exist and might as well never have, that sends a message. Nobody is going to be surprised if you stop talking, unlike, delete, etc. when Mr./Ms. Clingy turns into SuperPsychoStalker. You've sent a clear message. You "officially" dumped this person. They just don't get it, and that's just not your problem anymore. Go ahead and cut off all contact. You already let them know where they stand; your job is done here. Because you did that, you haven't faded. Faders don't even tell people they dump that they dumped them.

Fade 'em if they're inclined to violence, diss your friends, or cuss your mother. Fade 'em if you go out on one date and you can already tell it's just not going to happen. Nobody cares about ONE DATE. I think if you have sex with someone, even if it's just a one-time thing, you inherently build too many emotional bonds that fading is inappropriate. You just say, "hey, you're cute and all, last night was great, but 1) that's as far as it goes, and 2) let's not have any weirdness after this, ok?" Sneaking out before sunrise is just wrong UNLESS you already agreed that's part of the deal. But, again, that's not even fading because you already know where you stand.

I strongly suggest, though, that if you MUST break off a serious, long-term relationship, you can't really "schedule" that in a nice, neat, clean way. Plan a big day. Plan on making it a fun day. Drop the news early. Give him/her time to yell, scream, and cry. Let there be enough time for plenty of hugs and wet shoulders. If emotionally that just ruins the entire day, then that's as far as it goes. If I have a choice, I like to end on a sweeter note. Once the day is over, drop her off at her place for the last time. You won't talk for 3 or 4 weeks at least, and MAYBE you can be friends afterwards. But beyond a certain point it's decidedly OVER. If the dumpee cannot emotionally or mentally handle it beyond that point, you CANNOT have further contact. You like to THINK it could work, but it just doesn't.

I don't think there is any way to just break up a long-term relationship, or any other relationship with a strong attachment already in place. These things needs to "die" slowly, if they need to end at all. Any fast breakup must be really aggressive and cruel so you really hate the other person enough for that outcome.

There's no "right way." I just think if people matter at all, you want what's best for everyone, even someone you're breaking up with. Breakups are unfortunate, but necessary. Ripping it off like a Band-Aid isn't a good way to end when what a person really needs is just a way to slow the bleeding. If you've been seriously close for a very long time, I think it's only right to let the other person know your intentions up front--that this is the last time we're getting together--and formulate an appropriate response for the aftermath. Maybe she needs you to just walk away. Maybe she just needs one more good day. But regardless how it's done, over means OVER, and letting someone hang on a day or more later isn't going to start their healing process any faster.

One of my worst mistakes was trying to "be friends" with someone I broke up with BECAUSE she was suffocatingly clingy. It really dragged on for nearly half a year before I told her under no circumstances was she EVER to call me again--and this was after I'd already been in and out of two other more/less serious relationships besides her.