Aspires and NT relationship issues

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I thought Christianity rejects reincarnation?

I can't see that in what she's saying. This bit stood out to me.



It's not me that's not ready. It's him. He's the one giving all the obvious, obvious signals, but I'm the one doing the leg work.

He's not ready.

I'm not sure he ever will be.

That could cut multiple ways, and you have to decide what applies to your situation. Without going back and understanding more about your unique situation, I would assume that the question to ask yourself is why stay invested with someone you know isn't ready? I wish we were capable of changing that for someone else, but we aren't.

Honestly, while I know what I mean when I write, I am happy for someone to take it a different way IF that is helpful for them. If they are reacting negatively to it I can work on clarifying or modifying, but otherwise I can live with the "sometimes we hear what we need to hear" form of communication.

My ideas all make sense and work together in my mind, but explaining them accurately can be difficult. So take it all as you will.

I think that's the whole point of this thread and the other similar one that's going on in L&D at the moment.

Personally I walked away and didn't talk to him for a whole year. It was just unfortunate that I ran into him again and all these emotions were stirred up again.

I wont be bothering to talk to him again unless i have to.

They probably don’t really like us and just put up with us to be polite

I’ll never ask a woman out no women will ever be interested in me. Signs don’t exist so besides some lady asking me out i dont know . Reality says it’s impossible for a woman to like me so that’s hebonly way one could prove otherwise even then it’d probably a trick or prank or they need to use me for something

I disagree. I just can't do the whatever it is I'm meant to do to reciprocate thing that a woman should do.

I'm rubbish at small talk too. I know that my friends brother likes me. It's obvious, but he's shy and I have nothing to say. So it's not going to work.

I can't do the thing. I like him. He likes me. Now what?

Ah you’re talking relationships and dating. I meant everyone. Friends and family included. I have two initiate conversations or they never happen. Which leads me to believe they don’t like me. If they liked me wouldn’t they want to talk to me?

I dont know what women are meant to do. If one liked me I just ish she’d walk up and say she likes me. But never had woman like me. I just too ugly and poor.

If yiu know he like someone yiu tell him you like him then ask about his interests.


Small talk is pointless in my mind. “What about this weather” “ year it’s been raining a lot “ it’s meant to fill silence between strangers not develop further conversations and bond with people.

I have no experience like I said women never like me, so I can only speak on what would work for me if one did. People like talking about themselves and interests. Yiu comment on his interests and maybe while he’s talking find you share some then talk about it and slip in some of your interests.

To be honest I’m at a mystery of how people in relationships or dating talk so much wouldn’t they run out of subject matter? I dont know wish I could find out

You can't just tell someone you like them. I assume people don't do that coz no one has ever done that to me. Who does that?

You can't just quiz someone on their interests. Though someone has done that to me. He directly said, "so what are your interests." And my mind went blank. He must have though I was really boring.

I was gutted to find out he likes skiing and didn't invite me along. I haven't gone skiing in a few years, but I've had no one to go with. I saw on Instagram he and my friends went , but they assumed I was too boring to go. That's not something I would have thought to mention when quizzed.

It's really difficult to get to know people. It's so hard.

Tell your friend and ask her to arrange events you both will be at so you can try to get to know each other low pressure.

Sitting in silence together is perfectly fine as long as you are both OK with it. Maybe that is the only conversation you need to have at first: "I sometimes enjoy just sitting quietly with someone, not feeling forced to say anything. What about you?"

Whoa. I just caught up on this thread and I can see why @Raleigh considers this thread depressing. @AnnGables, from another NT's perspective, you want something from your ASD friend that he is incapable of providing and that is VALIDATION. You don't just want him to acknowledge the important things in your life...you want him to WANT to acknowledge them and thus VALIDATE that your platonic love feelings for him are reciprocated with his platonic love feelings for you. The problem is that he HAS NO NEED to validate your feelings or his feelings. I can see why @Raleigh found the thread depressing, but as another NT who's husband is ASD and who has a great friend on the spectrum, I'm here to tell you that @Raleigh finds the thread depressing because you completely exhausted him with your neediness. It is also why someone many pages ago asked me if I was clingy after I posted about my experiences with my ASD friend ignoring my IMs.

In my experiences, the most accurate ASD responses to your questions came from @Raleigh and @AspieSingleDad. The bit about NTs having an innate need to "nurture" relationships so they "grow" is spot on. But our ASD friends don't need that and they don't need constant validation that the friendship is "okay." To them, the friendship is "okay" until someone says it's "not okay." Silence, how many times you've seen each other in a year...none of that means anything...because you are friends until further notice. Logical. Say what you mean, mean what you say.

To that point...if you say, "I feel hurt because you ignored my IMs..." Then your ASD friend might respond by saying..."Okay, how many times per week would you like me to IM you?" The NT friend will become offended and might say..."Well, if I have to TELL you how many times. If you really cared about me you'd reach out."

What the NT really means is..."I want you to WANT to message me throughout your week." But the reality is that your ASD friend will NEVER WANT <--- meaning have a DESIRE to message you all week long. They may very well have a DESIRE to want to make you happy and avoid hurting you...but not by messaging you idle chatter all day. And that's why they ask you how many times a week you want to be messaged. That is their attempt to meet your need.

Sometimes it really is the thought that counts even if it missing the mark. Lose the expectations and you will be so much happier just enjoying your moments with your friend as they happen.

She did suggest that, but she has a new born baby and is a bit busy dealing with that at the moment, so think she probably won't do it.

Good post.

Though, I find men in general are bad at responding to IMs unless you ask them a question. If you're just telling them something they just read it and go on with their day.

I try to respond to ims when I can figure out how lol

This actually hits at the very heart of what I am trying so hard to understand. So I have some questions, and they are in no way meant to be negative, just trying to understand, REALLY. You say that the aspie does not WANT to contact the NT friend, and that the friendship is okay until someone says otherwise....this is what I don't understand. If the aspie has no desire to talk to the friend regularly but they want to please you, but to do so, they have to be told how frequently to message you (but they have no desire to do so on their own), then how is that a friendship at all? It seems more like a script or rule book that the aspie must follow to feign friendship, not actually have the connection friends have. This is the very reason (the aspie not keeping up regular contact) that I feel that there is not or never was a friendship there in the first place between me and my aspie "friend", even though regular obligatory contact through work that was very friendly would seem to suggest otherwise, until that obligatory contact was removed. It seems as if the "friendship" described in this post is purely a label, as if someone told the aspie that they were fiends, by definition, so the label was applied, but that it means nothing to the aspie. And if another person came along and said you are not friends with that person anymore, you are now friends with a different person, and the aspie would say "how many times per week should I message you?" because there doesn't seem to be an attachment or desire for friendship on the part of the aspie then. It seems arbitrary, like people are replaceable and expendable to an aspie, because the "rules" can be applied at random to any other person. I am trying so hard to understand what friendship means to an aspie, and what another person means to an aspie. I really just don't understand the thought process and I really want to. So if the aspie doesn't WANT the things that make a friendship a friendship in the common definitions and expectations, what IS friendship to an aspie? What do they actually want? Because what you said is true, NTs WANT the aspie (or anyone) to validate them by WANTING to do so....but it's like that old joke that says that if you have to tell your husband you want him to buy you flowers, then there is no point in him buying you flowers because they mean nothing at that point. It is that desire on the part of the other person to WANT to have contact, or other normal friendship things, that is appreciated. Not that someone can set an alarm to send you a text every Tuesday at 3pm because you told them to. I would be greatly appreciative if someone could explain this to me, because it seems to confirm the empty feeling I have that my aspie friend really doesn't care at all for me (or anyone else). Does the aspie ever even think about the other person at all? Do they ever think to themselves, "I really want to talk to that person because it's been a while and I'd like to know how they're doing.", or is it really just an "out of sight, out of mind" kind of thing?

A friend is someone you like and get along well with and feel comfortable talking to.

Have you never heard that saying about friends being people you can just pick up where you left off with no matter how long you've been apart.

Frequency of contact doesn't equal friendship. A mutual like and enjoyment of each others company equals friendship.

It's not just a random person you're told you like it's someone you really do like. You just don't feel the need to live in their pockets.

Last edited by hurtloam on 07 Oct 2017, 12:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.