Slys dating site advice help thread.

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I'm always being told that I'm better off on my own, that I don't need someone else, that I don't want to be with someone else, that I don't like other people, ect ect by people who are NEVER on their own. And it's upsetting because I feel like the people in my life want me to be on my own.

I don't think the comments here were meant that way though, and they had some good advice, from people not in relationships either but it might of hit a nerve for Sly.

Ten years ago I told friends/colleagues and family that I needed help finding someone and asked them to think over men they knew ectra. After a year I reminded them. After another year I reminded them again. This went on for ten years NOTHING. I have come to the conclusion that they consider me faulty, (before diagnosis).

This is not how the situation is portrayed in films or books, how does everyone else find it? do friends/family introduce you to people ever? clearly Sly has the same problem.

Just wanted to point out that I think this is a good thing.

One of the ppl I came closest to being in a relationship with once said "I can't believe you didn't pressure me into sex," and my response was an honest "I could never pressure you into sex." (because I actually like & care about them as well as their values about sex) Sometimes I think fuuuuuck, it woulda been so f*****g hot if I did.. damn ASD nature of not doing it when I could have, but, overall TBH I'm glad I didn't. I feel.. a sense of pride that I didn't. I'm all but certain that if I had we wouldn't be friends now and with this one I'd rather be friends forever than to have slept together once.

Another I didn't pressure into doing anything they didn't want to as they had a little anxiety induced freakout about some social stuff recently said to/about me (in the presence of a few others) "You're not like that At All." referring to the whole Harvey Weinstein sex scandal thing. I'm proud to have been the one to say "It's okay, we don't have to do anything else." We then had some amazing conversations that night and the next morning when we took the train into town to grab breakfast and retrieve my car so I could drive him home to a nearby city. (in the opposite direction of where I live.)

That one would have been hot, too.. but my regrets about not doing the NT thing and pushing for sex are maybe 20%, max. At least 80%, maybe 90-95% even, I'm okay with it. I'm okay with having a reputation as a nice guy who doesn't force those sorts of things when there's any doubt about them happening.

I think you should be proud of yourself for that, too. Sure, you could have gotten laid once more.. and maybe she was hot, too. But the impression you make on others being the rare one to treat them with respect when they're vulnerable and maybe not so into having sex with you for whatever reason, I think that's well worth refraining in those instances. You should feel good about it, not as if you missed out on an opportunity to get laid. Instead you took the opportunity to be a decent human being when others would have likely been more self serving.

Meetup.com's meetups are not for dating.....not even for making friends really unless you're coming along with a friend you already know then maybe this friend would introduce you to mutual friends in the meetup.

But if you're totally alone, you'll just make acquaintances there.

Making new friends in the adult life is even harder than dating.

They’re perfect for meeting friends. That’s the whole point of them. Have I been to them? Yes. People just need to grow some balls and introduce themselves and join into conversations without being asked. Also, going once probably won’t do an aspie many favours. Make a habit of attending on a regular basis.

I find it much easier to find friends in adults. They don’t tend to bully you if they’ve just met you. I went to a wedding earlier this year knowing noone but the bride and groom, and came out a couple of hours later with invitations from other girls and guys to do things. How do I know the bride and groom? I had the balls to move in with stangers. Why am I moving in with strangers? I had the balls to leave the dump of a city I was living and unemployed in. All things Sly and Markins don’t do, then wonder why they can’t meet anyone.

Get out of your comfort zone, if you cannot do that you’re pretty much f****d and will always have the same problems.

People should just stop looking for girlfriends and start meeting people, being friendly and doing more things. Relationships come naturally with that. I’d be extremely put off by men looking for girlfriends directly at places other than dating sites. Reeks of desperation. Look to engage with people no matter who they are, not get your sex and affection fix. Like people for who they are, not what you can get from them. Sly and Markins are particularly bad for this.

Last edited by hale_bopp on 31 Dec 2017, 8:18 am, edited 1 time in total.

I have used it few times too; in my experience most people already come with their out-of-MeetUp friends, so if you are alone it’s hard to break into their already established social circle.

Have you reallty made friends from there? Like real friends... do you go out with them every weekend or so (other than Meetup’s meetups)?

I wouldn't be able to do 95% of that without someone pointing a gun to head.

I'm not even sure I could do all of it then.

I like my comfort zone It's really comfortable.

And everything outside of it is sh*t

I spend most of my spare time with my flatmates, who I mentioned in my previous post after I edited it. I met them through taking a chance and moving in with strangers.

Because I work 40+ hours a week, my flatmates and maybe a couple of other friends are enough for me. It doesn’t mean other people are not your friends, though. I have enough people to do things with in the weekend. I’ll see people when I can, but I need a lot of relaxation and peace on my own.

To answer your question, yes, you’d do stuff on weekends with them. That’s why they’re friends. Otherwise they would be acquaintances.

If sly is a full blown extrovert who doesn’t need time to recover from people, I really cannot see why he can’t do more useful things. You can always make time for something if you want it badly enough.

Well you’re not complaining about not having a girlfriend. If someone is upset enough about it, they have to go out of their comfort zone.

I love my comfort zone. Not doing anything and eating chocolates all day. But as I don’t want to be boring, friendless and simply exist, I push myself. It’s not easy at the time, but when I look back, it was worth every minute.

From the little I've seen, they seem to work with my sister. Maybe I should just ask her to introduce me to that good looking guy at the local hamburger place.

^I don't just eat chocolates, sometimes it's cake or biscuits

I do need to push myself out of my comfort zone a LITTLE bit now, I had a bad run but I feel I've recovered from that now. I'm going to start a new thread about ways to meet people (not internet) because I think that's the real problem for a lot of us. I don't think Sly's at that point yet because he's feeling down. When I'm down I wallow.

I had the same idea and made a thread too. Feel free to add to it.

I dont know cause if thst was true why don’t they hire the fat ugly women? It’s always thin hot attractive young women. And they work in every department, bank, fast food, and customer service job. The only fat ones I’ve seen are the old managers. But there’s a bumch of fat young women her, mean most are thin but but 1/3 or fat. They don’t get hired. Why? And why do the women work customer service by few men work stocking, cooking, vault. All behinds seems jobs at these places. My work has more guys then I’ve seen other stores but we are a outdoors store so that’s probably why. Target is like 95% thin young women workers. With few men stocking. There’s literally more men then women here, so shouldn’t there be more men then women in the workplace? But it’s mostly women. My bank branch went from 90% men to all women in years. It’s all young attractive women now. Which makes it hard for me to use.

No car. I can’t go to events. Etc. they are all across town in places bus doesn’t go ou in other citie. I check meetips and it’s all middle class people doing stuff like let’s hike Europe. Or thst mountain miles way. I can’t do that. Even the single meet ups pof does is at odd bars last night. World isn’t set up for poor disabled people. It’s for people with money and cars.
Even if I could go tot he pof thing I don’t drink, and I’m shy and it is like 5 guys to one woman rationaith mostly older middle class. I won’t stand s chance against well off middle class men.

I’m not like you. If I did that I’d end up homeless in some strange city being attacked by people who hate homeless.
Nothing to do with balls. It’s you having skills and abilities I lack. Doing that would end up so utterly bad for me. It took me 2 years with professional help that find a job. The first professional agency gave up, and the 2nd was about to when I got hired. People who make a livngnfinding people jobs were not able to find me one.
I’d spent 2-3 years before that looking for a job alone, and 4 years before I went to college. So how likely do you think I’ll just be able to hitch hike to another city with just the clothes on my back and find a job total cut off from family and any help?

That would make it more fun for me to use. As for why do they hire hot young women, perhaps hot young women were more likely to apply for the job. It could be that the older women now have real careers, so they're no longer in a customer service job (unless they're in management). Service jobs tend to attract college age people. It also attracts more women.

Step one is getting a job elsewhere. This will require you to take a day off work and bus there.
Step 2 is finding somewhere to live, see above. Join Facebook groups for flatmates, look at your local flatmates wanted site.
Step 3 is getting your stuff and moving into the flat.

None of this is fun, but like I said you have to get out of your comfort zone. If I didn’t I’d still be jobless and living with my parents. My life skills suck and I did a sloppy job of it, but I got there in the end.

Prior to this you need to work on the way you cone across to people, I cannot talk, I feel angry and worthless too, but people can sense it and it’s probably why my life stagnates.

Facebook groups for flatmates, look at your local flatmates wanted site.

......

this is really a thing on facebook? i need to find a place to live with roommates in a town where i don't know anyone.... i was under the impression facebook was only for people you knew?