Cyber spying/stalking, am I obsessed and a creep

Post Reply New Topic

@Kate, I'm really sorry you're in so much pain. I'm sorry your ex didn't answer your question.

I'm assuming your inquiry was direct - that you told him why it was important to you that you understand why he ended your relationship. While we can debate about your ex's ethical and moral responsibilities to you - and your responsibilities to him - one thing I believe is not debatable: it would have been kind of him to provide you with an explanation for the break-up.

I certainly believe that you didn't do anything outrageous to precipitate the break-up, e.g., slept with his best friend; disrespected his mother; burned his house down, etc. Given those circumstances, he would have been doing you a simple kindness by sharing his thoughts on the subject with you. And @Kate - he should have been willing to do you a simple kindness.

You do have some additional data to consider, however: he doesn't appear to be a very kind man. He might be kind to animals and small children - or to someone he wants something from - but he certainly wasn't kind to you (by all accounts, someone who he shared a reasonably happy relationship with; someone who loved him). So that data - painful as it is - may help you find your way toward separating from him emotionally, and to allow your affection for him to begin waning.

Look, I don't know either of you, but I understand how you feel. There aren't a whole lot of reasons for someone to behave the way your ex has. When a person feels wronged by their ex, they may refuse to acquiesce to any request, no matter how small and/or reasonable. It's spiteful and petty, but they may see refusing to cooperate as an act of revenge. It doesn't seem like that's your ex's deal, since you've stated several times that your relationship seemed completely fine - right up until he broke up with you.

I'm more inclined to believe that your ex's refusal to discuss his reason for breaking up with you is rooted more in guilt than anything else. Perhaps he entered into the relationship under false pretenses: maybe he was just interested in sex or was bored or whatever and when he realized that you were quite taken with him, he knew he couldn't return your feelings. Maybe he simply met someone else, and doesn't want to admit that he's dumping you for another woman. Maybe he panicked and broke up with you on impulse, and is too embarrassed to admit that. Maybe he was spooked by the depth of his feelings for you. Maybe he's a self-handicapper who doesn't believe he deserves happiness and the love of a good woman. The possibilities are endless.

But taking into consideration that he's not kind means you're going to have to let yourself off the hook. He's not going to lift a finger to help you heal, so it's going to be up to you. I think the reality is that you made a mistake: you misjudged him. You trusted someone with your heart who isn't trustworthy - and he f'ing broke it. Now I'm not saying that it's your fault. For all I know, he said and did all the right things to make you believe him...but perhaps there just wasn't any truth behind his words and actions. I've seen the way you've written about him, and I can say that the way he's treated you - beginning with the break-up, until now - does not square with your description. If he truly was worthy of all those wonderful adjectives you've used about him, he would have at least behaved decently to you when he ended the relationship.

So maybe you could start the process of getting over him by admitting that he's not the man you thought he was? I know that's a difficult admission, but try to remind yourself that you've only lost this relationship - not every relationship; not your last chance at happiness. I think that's one of the most difficult aspects of working through the loss of a relationship: grieving the loss of all the hopes you had for your future together. It's hard to let those dreams die, but you have to remind yourself that it doesn't mean you won't realize those dreams with another partner. As a matter of fact, the sooner you start letting go of this relationship, the sooner you'll be ready to pursue another one. I hope you're able to start letting go of this guy....he really wasn't worthy of you. Take care.

Thanks for posting that Hope, I appreciate your thoughts and compassion.

I hope you find some peace, Kate, I'm very sorry you had to go through this.

Thanks, Hope and Sallamandrina. Still trying to get over this

~Kate

Thanks, @Sallamandrina.

@Kate, feel free to PM me. I really do understand how you feel - I know how much it hurts. *hugs*

Everyone here knows how you're feeling, but what they're saying is that she isn't going to change your mind. You're just going to scare her even more. If you want to call her, that's up to you, but don't be surprised if she hangs up and/or files a restraining order against you.

By the way, I don't think you're a creep. I was almost in the exact same position you were about a year ago (which is also how I know you're going to completely ignore my advice).

I was in the same situation about five years ago. Deep down, you just want to believe that somehow the girl will rise above all the bigotry and prejudice surrounding inappropriate romantic advances and make the effort to talk to you. Don't hold your breath.

One of the things I learned from that experience is that you should never let a woman have that much power over you.