Board index › Coping in life › Love and Dating

Is it unfair of me to ask my gf for a prenup in this case?

Page 13 of 17 [ 269 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1 ... 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17  Next

Previous topic | Next topic

nurseangela
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Nov 2014
Gender: Female
Posts: 8,017
Location: Kansas

24 May 2016, 8:02 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
As long as they don't screw around, I don't see anything wrong with my "hunny" going to movies with other guys.

It's good for the relationship to have (Platonic) relationships outside the main relationship.

Couples who spend 100% of the time together tend to lose perspective on things. They tend to get into little petty arguments. It's just not a good situation.


You're Aspie, Mr. K. It's not like ironpony was sick and couldn't go - he went home alone. That is just not right and if you can't see that it could also be that we have different morals.

One thing I want to say to Aspies that was discussed over at AC is this - you let NT women get their emotional needs taken care of somewhere else and you could lose her to that "somewhere else".

There was this Aspie guy who didn't see any problems spending time with his and his wife's next door neighbor lady. He didn't know it, but his wife got jealous and it almost cost him his marriage. He didn't know that his neighbor was getting "feelings" for him and get this - once he found out he almost acted on those feelings by wanting to spend more time with the neighbor. He was conflicted with why he shouldn't spend more time with his neighbor. I had to explain that it's NT etiquette that once you get married you don't spend time with the opposite sex unless your spouse is with you. That's why I say your fiance/spouse comes first.


_________________
Me grumpy?
I'm happiness challenged.

Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 83 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 153 of 200 You are very likely neurotypical
Darn, I flunked.


rdos
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 Jul 2005
Age: 63
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,096
Location: Sweden

24 May 2016, 8:16 am

nurseangela wrote:
You know what I think is the problem is that this is an etiquette issue in NT Land. I told my Ma about this situation and she also agreed it was wrong. In NT Land, her going out with her fiance 's best friend to a movie would have been seen by many NT women and some men as a "date" especially since the guy paid for it. I'll tell you this, if I had a fiance and he went to the movies with my BFF instead of going home with me - it's over. See, a couple are supposed to be in it together. If my Hunny doesn't have money or doesn't feel like doing something then I am in the same boat. The only way I would have seen the situation as ok is if she went to the movies with a girlfriend of hers and that would be AFTER making sure that her fiance didn't want to spend time with her. For me, my Hunny would come first then my BFF because my first real BFF should be my Hunny - I would only see my Hunny's BFF if we all went out as a group. A lot of the women here are probably going to think I'm strange, but that's how I see things. Once you get engaged, your soon-to-be-husband comes first.


Sure, it might be an NT etiquette issue, but then if people are not with an NT, they can just ignore it. :mrgreen:

I also don't believe in this "partner comes first thing". For me, a partner is similar to a good friend, and if they aren't being reasonable, then I'll tell them what I think rather than agree or try to merge our views. Now that I have grown-up children, I'll occasionally side with them instead of wife when I find their opinion more reasonable. I've done this when they were minors too. In fact, I don't feel I need to merge my views with anybody, and I don't think wife needs to think and like the same things as I do either. We are two different persons with different beliefs and interests.



BenderRodriguez
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 9 Feb 2012
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,343

24 May 2016, 8:23 am

Ironpony, are you ok?


_________________
"Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored." Aldous Huxley


kraftiekortie
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 4 Feb 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 87,510
Location: Queens, NYC

24 May 2016, 8:24 am

Ain't nothing wrong with my morals, thank you.

If you don't know me, why would you question my morals?

I'm not perfect--but I believe I'm morally upright (despite my having liberal tendencies LOL).

There's no cheating in what I'm saying. Remember the operative words "As long as they don't screw around."

I, myself, don't like to feel stifled. I like to experience people. I like my woman to experience people, too.

We're not having orgies all the time. All we're doing is experiencing the world.

The operative word is "trust."



BenderRodriguez
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 9 Feb 2012
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,343

24 May 2016, 8:30 am

Kraftie, I can't possibly imagine how it can be "immoral" not to be fussed if you partner goes to the movies with a friend *shrug*. I see no difference in the friend being male or female.


_________________
"Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored." Aldous Huxley


BenderRodriguez
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 9 Feb 2012
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,343

24 May 2016, 8:40 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
The operative word is "trust."

Amen.

I've had several LTR and a few flings before getting married and one thing I've learned is you can't stop people from cheating. You either built a strong relationship where people won't cheat even if given the opportunity or you don't.

My wife is very independent and would hate it if I wanted to spend every second with her and she never asked me to participate in activities or spend time with people I dislike, because we have to do everything together, bless her :)


_________________
"Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored." Aldous Huxley


nurseangela
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Nov 2014
Gender: Female
Posts: 8,017
Location: Kansas

24 May 2016, 8:40 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
Ain't nothing wrong with my morals, thank you.

If you don't know me, why would you question my morals?

I'm not perfect--but I believe I'm morally upright (despite my having liberal tendencies LOL).

There's no cheating in what I'm saying. Remember the operative words "As long as they don't screw around."

I, myself, don't like to feel stifled. I like to experience people. I like my woman to experience people, too.

We're not having orgies all the time. All we're doing is experiencing the world.

The operative word is "trust."


Do you think they would honestly tell you if the messed around? How do think affairs start? That's actually why I like Aspies because they are more loyal - a lot of NT's are not.


_________________
Me grumpy?
I'm happiness challenged.

Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 83 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 153 of 200 You are very likely neurotypical
Darn, I flunked.


nurseangela
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Nov 2014
Gender: Female
Posts: 8,017
Location: Kansas

24 May 2016, 8:44 am

BenderRodriguez wrote:
kraftiekortie wrote:
The operative word is "trust."

Amen.

I've had several LTR and a few flings before getting married and one thing I've learned is you can't stop people from cheating. You either built a strong relationship where people won't cheat even if given the opportunity or you don't.

My wife is very independent and would hate it if I wanted to spend every second with her and she never asked me to participate in activities or spend time with people I dislike, because we have to do everything together, bless her :)


You don't have to spend all your time together - that's why there is guys night out and girls night out.

This is how I lost my Alaska friend - his wife said she would divorce him if we kept talking. There is a difference between Aspies and NT's.


_________________
Me grumpy?
I'm happiness challenged.

Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 83 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 153 of 200 You are very likely neurotypical
Darn, I flunked.


BenderRodriguez
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 9 Feb 2012
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,343

24 May 2016, 8:48 am

nurseangela wrote:
You don't have to spend all your time together - that's why there is guys night out and girls night out.

This is how I lost my Alaska friend - his wife said she would divorce him if we kept talking. There is a difference between Aspies and NT's.


I'm not sure I'm getting this right: are you saying that once in a committed relationship you can only spend time with people of your own sex?

My wife would hate the suggestion of a "girls night out" and she's NT. She told me in that many words that she sees it as extremely cruel to ask someone to break a long time, close friendship on account on one's sex.


_________________
"Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored." Aldous Huxley


nurseangela
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Nov 2014
Gender: Female
Posts: 8,017
Location: Kansas

24 May 2016, 8:50 am

Now here is a question for men. - if you are in a marriage and sex is very important to you, but you are not getting it, what are you going to do?

Go somewhere else to get it or get divorced because your "needs" are not getting met..

NT women have "emotional needs" and if their spouse is letting someone else take care of those emotional needs then there could be problems.

One you get married, MOST of a person's needs should be filled by their spouse - that's why you get married.


_________________
Me grumpy?
I'm happiness challenged.

Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 83 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 153 of 200 You are very likely neurotypical
Darn, I flunked.


nurseangela
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Nov 2014
Gender: Female
Posts: 8,017
Location: Kansas

24 May 2016, 8:53 am

BenderRodriguez wrote:
nurseangela wrote:
You don't have to spend all your time together - that's why there is guys night out and girls night out.

This is how I lost my Alaska friend - his wife said she would divorce him if we kept talking. There is a difference between Aspies and NT's.


I'm not sure I'm getting this right: are you saying that once in a committed relationship you can only spend time with people of your own sex?

My wife would hate the suggestion of a "girls night out" and she's NT. She told me in that many words that she sees it as extremely cruel to ask someone to break a long time, close friendship on account on one's sex.


Are you saying your wife wants to go out with the boys instead? I'm talking about any close girlfriends she has.


_________________
Me grumpy?
I'm happiness challenged.

Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 83 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 153 of 200 You are very likely neurotypical
Darn, I flunked.


kraftiekortie
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 4 Feb 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 87,510
Location: Queens, NYC

24 May 2016, 8:53 am

Masturbation is a great release. it harms nobody.

I would also explore why she doesn't want to have sex with me. Is it me? Am I doing something wrong? Do I smell?

It's possible that she doesn't have much of a libido---but I would know and accept that before we got married!

Sex, to me, is not the "end all, be all," anyway. It never was, even when I was younger.



nurseangela
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Nov 2014
Gender: Female
Posts: 8,017
Location: Kansas

24 May 2016, 8:57 am

nurseangela wrote:
BenderRodriguez wrote:
kraftiekortie wrote:
The operative word is "trust."

Amen.

I've had several LTR and a few flings before getting married and one thing I've learned is you can't stop people from cheating. You either built a strong relationship where people won't cheat even if given the opportunity or you don't.

My wife is very independent and would hate it if I wanted to spend every second with her and she never asked me to participate in activities or spend time with people I dislike, because we have to do everything together, bless her :)


You don't have to spend all your time together - that's why there is guys night out and girls night out.

This is how I lost my Alaska friend - his wife said she would divorce him if we kept talking. There is a difference between Aspies and NT's.


And you know what? My Alaska friend's wife was right and that's why I did cut off the friendship with him. I'm not going to lie, he and I flirted all the time and I respected their marriage so I cut it off. If you put a man and a woman together and they are even remotely attracted to each other, I don't care if they have been friends for years, problems could happen.


_________________
Me grumpy?
I'm happiness challenged.

Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 83 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 153 of 200 You are very likely neurotypical
Darn, I flunked.


nurseangela
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Nov 2014
Gender: Female
Posts: 8,017
Location: Kansas

24 May 2016, 8:59 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
Masturbation is a great release. it harms nobody.

I would also explore why she doesn't want to have sex with me. Is it me? Am I doing something wrong? Do I smell?

It's possible that she doesn't have much of a libido---but I would know and accept that before we got married!

Sex, to me, is not the "end all, be all," anyway. It never was, even when I was younger.


Would you go without sex and still stay married?


_________________
Me grumpy?
I'm happiness challenged.

Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 83 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 153 of 200 You are very likely neurotypical
Darn, I flunked.


nurseangela
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Nov 2014
Gender: Female
Posts: 8,017
Location: Kansas

24 May 2016, 9:05 am

I firmly believe that a lot of Aspie men's marriages fail because they are not fulfilling their NT wife's emotional needs.

This goes back to the OP's situation - if he accepts it being ok for his fiance to go out with his BFF she may end up getting her needs (emotional) met from him. The OP should have went with them or she should have stayed with her fiance - that is where her duties lie now.


_________________
Me grumpy?
I'm happiness challenged.

Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 83 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 153 of 200 You are very likely neurotypical
Darn, I flunked.


nurseangela
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Nov 2014
Gender: Female
Posts: 8,017
Location: Kansas

24 May 2016, 9:16 am

I'm watching this series now about 4 couples and their first year after marriage. The problems? Not enough sex and the two of the guys are overworking and not spending enough "emotional" time with their wives - not my words, this is what the wives are saying.

I love watching these shows so if I ever get married, I know what problems might come up. :mrgreen:


_________________
Me grumpy?
I'm happiness challenged.

Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 83 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 153 of 200 You are very likely neurotypical
Darn, I flunked.