How do you decide if someone is right for you?

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I've always had lots of guy friends since I was a child. I have an older brother so his friends became mine, seeing as I was inept at making or maintaining female friendships. My man-friends mean the world to me.

The good thing about friendship is that most people don't break up with friends, so the relationships can be lifelong.

I'm sorry you had a different experience.

Ah don't sweat it. As I've gotten older, friendship has lost it's glossy appeal.

I haven’t always had guy friends. That was frowned upon in my religious community when I was growing up. I do value the friendships I have with men now, though, just as I value the friendships I have with women. Friendships with folks of the “opposite sex” can be valuable when it comes to dating and relationships because they can combat the common tendency of viewing the demographic in question as “the other,” “the enemy,” or even just not knowing what’s normal, depending on one’s personal experiences or upbringing. IMO, such friendships can promote mutual understanding and compassion. So often, those things are in short supply, and it’s off-putting. Occasionally, a friendship can lead to something more if other things are right however you and the friend define it, but most of the time, it’s just great to be friends with people you relate to no matter their gender. Well, it is for me.

If a guy has female friends, it’s a good sign in my opinion. It suggests that he likely respects women, not that that’s always the case. It’s just a good sign, especially if it’s accompanied by other good signs.

this guy clearly follows the 5 minute rule
https://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/relat ... 4b95334af0

He also gives hope to the dateless. there is no way he is pulling all these women.

Pulling?

That's your takeaway IL?
Fascinating.

Now that I've been given a hall pass, I wonder if I will automatically use "the one" selection
criteria for someone who cannot become the one. I would assume I will be attracted to the same things and will be repelled by the same things. I also assume I will give more leeway for long term deal-breaking qualities since the relationship is likely to be shorter, but I'm thinking that anyone I want to spend the night with is someone I could probably have been able to share my life with, had I been available.

What's my takeaway?
I've posted a few different things here.

My common denominator is that it depends what "the one" means.

Also, I don't know what pulling means.

Sorry...i thought you were objecting to the use of the term.

Pulling = getting lucky...or trying to

Exactly what I have to NOT do if I want to get lucky

Pulling = attracting

Idk me and my boyfriend were hanging out before we made it super official even though we both sort of expressed intially we wanted a real thing and not a fling. but he canceled other dates he had to keep seeing me and I liked him so idk we just decided to be girlfriend and boyfriend and well we still are.

One typical key difference between an average man and woman, is the number of options.
An average woman (socially active or/and active on dating apps) may attract dozens of options, so she can afford to be picky => rising her standards list and criteria; that goes way beyond looks and niceness of personality.

A average man typically get the attention of a single woman once in a blue moon, so he will take his chance with her and see where it will lead, the initial criteria that may make him to reconsider not dating her would be very basic faults such as , *gulp* cyberdad said, not being pleasant or not being nice enough. The fact that he has no other options, and she is pleasant enough AND gives him attention means he has nothing to lose to try.

Just look at Tinder stats for instance, men swipe right (= like) around 48% of women (because they get veryyyy few likes back) while women swipe right only 8% of men (because they virutally get liked back by almost every man they swiped right on).

It's very normal, in everyhing in life even when buying vegetables, that when you have too many options, you become more picky.

If in a parallel universe, the same man has a lot of options (a lot women wanting him), then he would be surely become more picky; sadly he may have picked a different person than the current partner of his clone in the first universe.

Wait! you are making too much sense Boo! stop it!
By the way, glad to see you are safe and well.

Sigh. This is just not true, and it's been explained before in this thread by several women. There are plenty of lonely and unwanted women. You are only thinking of the women that you consider "dateable." Which is incredibly sexist. The women you don't find attractive just don't exist in your calculus.

The math alone demonstrates that this is not true. If there are an equal number of men and women looking for dates it's not possible that there are more options available to women.

That’s a very wild assumption.

The fact that men are liking 50% of women on tinder doesn’t much support your claim of men being too picky and only consider a small fraction of women as « deteable ».
In fact, what men find attractive is very very diverse; for instance there’s porn of all body types, fit, slim, big, obese, all ethnicities… everything; the makers surely studied the market.

On the other hand, romance novel covers (which target mostly women as they constitute 70% of readers for this genre) always portray one type of male beauty: tall, handsome, caucasian and six packs.

Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 21 Sep 2024, 9:24 am, edited 1 time in total.

^ Most women don’t read romance novels even if they make up a majority of the reader-base. Even those who read them wouldn’t necessarily think that that’s the ideal or what they want in a partner. Let’s not go the generalizing route please.

It’s true that the numbers are a bit different on dating apps. Fewer women use them for one thing, but the way it may work on apps is different than the way it works elsewhere. There are many lonely women out there who haven’t been able to find someone or who’ve been single for a long time.

I would never date someone if I felt like they were interested in me solely because I was the only option and seemed nice. They’d have to have better reasons than that even if we were the only two humans left in a post-apocalyptic world. I may have very little going for me, and my self-esteem may be low, but it’s not THAT low.

Saying that, I know folks will think that that demonstrates that it’s easier for women to be single. That’s certainly not true, either. I just happen to know that there are worse things than being alone.

I agree with this sentiment that was expressed in Charles Dickens’ David Copperfield: “There can be no disparity in marriage like unsuitability of mind and purpose.”

Obviously, we aren’t talking about marriage which is NOT my cup of tea, but in terms of partners, it holds true for me.

I agree with you.

Correct me if I'm wrong but I thought the thread was about having a date/potential date right there in front of you, already knowing them as friends or acquaintances, or that you might already be dating them but trying to decide if they're "the one" rather than something more casual. I didn't think it was about judging strangers on internet apps, but maybe I'm wrong.

In other words I thought it was "is this person I already know, the one I should marry?" rather than "is that stranger on a dating app someone I should try to meet?"

Regardless I still pictured people knowing each other and having a degree of familiarity when deciding if they're right, instead of just judging pictures or favourite hobbies online.

I think it would be next to impossible to know someone is right for you in any capacity prior to meeting them at a party, in school, at work, etc., and the internet swiping thing didn't seem applicable.