How on Earth do you approach & talk to women?

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After reading through the last posts, I've got a potentially interesting question. What if talking to anyone, regardless of gender, is complicated?

Okay mateys, approaching and talking to females is very much like hunting crocs.

Items required: 2 or more servings of yogurt, cattle prod, perfume, feathered boa.

Hide behind a bush or some convenient object to size up your prey before the attack. But remember, you will be too obvious if you have male scent on you. That's why they say a man needs to be in touch with his feminine side to talk to women. I would recommend wearing a feathered boa and a copious amount of perfume before you go in for the approach, otherwise they'll know immediately that you're a croc- I mean lady hunter and bite your arm off.

Once they see the feathered boa and smell the perfume the woman will hesitate to bite your arm off because of the level of femininity of the approach. Time is of the essence, now. To prevent the female from realizing that you have a tasty arm right there for the eating make an offering of food that will serve as an adequate substitute for your arm. Anyone who has watched advertizements on the television know that females like yogurt, so just as she seems ready to take a chomp at your arm proffer some yogurt and throw it about ten feet away.

As she licks the yogurt bait off of the ground this is the opportunity. Jump on her back and put her in a sufficient headlock to prevent her gaping maw from turning around to chomp off one of your limbs. Make sure you have a proper headlock, this is very important because if a woman bites you you will contract Cootie Feminincanus in addition to any wounds you receive.

Once she is in the headlock now is the time to commence the conversation. Ask her about herself and tell her a little bit about yourself. If she starts to roar like an angry beast then offer more yogurt, or tell her that you really like vampire stories such as Twilight. If she responds then now is the time release her from the headlock, but to be safe take out your cattle prod. If she does not attempt to bite then it is a success. If she makes another attempt to bite your limbs off then shock her with the cattle prod and flee, there are just some times of the month when a croc- I mean lady just isn't in the mood to converse.

See it's just like hunting a croc, matey.

Legal disclaimer: this advice might be somewhat sarcastic, I am not legally liable should you attempt it.

Yes, joking. Had to look up Poe's law. Surprised I'd not heard of it.

Especially since it applies to me in real life so often. I'll say the most outlandish s**t, things no one could possibly believe I really believe, and still people take me seriously. Which only makes me get more and more ridiculous, in the hopes that they'll catch on. Some never do.

Been there, done that...

The depressing thing is how crazy you have to get before the person you're talking to hasn't experienced someone who genuinely believes the craziness.

Oh well, on "how do you approach and talk to women?", I thought.... with a knife, but that's another poster's idea.

With a healthy air of caution.

You get this, too?

I deadpan a lot, and I wonder sometimes if people really do think I'm serious.
I guess I think too much of people's intelligence.

You'd probably like Brass Eye, then.

Brass Eye is genius.

Can I offer you Cake?

Czech Neck!