Would you dump someone who got fat?

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hyperlexian
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12 May 2012, 9:27 pm

mds_02 wrote:

hyperlexian wrote:

mds_02 wrote:

hyperlexian wrote:

mds_02 wrote:

hyperlexian wrote:

mds_02 wrote:

hyperlexian wrote:

mds_02 wrote:

KenM wrote:

If anyone dumped me because of my weight, its pretty clear that they are shallow and all about looks. I would not want that person in my life anyway. Like/ love someone for who they are.

Back in college, I met a few girls that were overweight that I liked, but they said they would never go out with my because of my weight. They wanted someone thin. Hypocrates.

But what if you like/love someone for who they are, and then they change?

everyone changes. have you seen an 80 year old man naked? even if he is as fit as a fiddle, he sure as heck doesn't look like he is 20.

Yeah, but I think it's a safe assumption that this thread was not about the gradual changes wrought by aging but more likely about dramatic changes happening over a a relatively short period of time.

no, we are talking about both.

No, you're talking about both.

Some people said that they'd leave if a partner just completely let themselves go. A few people took offence and started talking about how the body changes when people age. This is not the same as someone letting themselves go.

people on the thread have been talking about both. i haven't mentioned either in particular. you didn't specify which you were talking about. it's nitpicky anyways, like would 5lb per decade be ok but not 10?

People brought up aging and gradual changes in response to people who were not talking at all about aging. 5-10 pounds in a decade is hardly letting yourself go. I've seen people pack on 50-70 pounds in a single year, when I talk about someone letting themselves go, that's what I'm referring to.

it saddens me that people would want to leave someone if they gained weight, especially if it was due to emotional issues. isn't that the very time when people should be sticking by a partner?

Do you think a relationship without physical attraction is healthy? Would you rather be single, or have a partner that isn't attracted to you? I'd pick single. There's only so much a person can do when their partner enters a self-destructive cycle like this. I mean, I'll try to help my partner, sure. But if they refuse that help, I'm out.

i would hope someone would be attracted to a person on a deeper level than just physical, then it can be trusted to linger.

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rabbittss
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12 May 2012, 9:28 pm

hyperlexian wrote:

rabbittss wrote:

hyperlexian wrote:

rabbittss wrote:

hyperlexian wrote:

it saddens me that people would want to leave someone if they gained weight, especially if it was due to emotional issues. isn't that the very time when people should be sticking by a partner?

okay so because one partner is having emotional problems, both partners should have emotional problems? I agree that a certain amount of solidarity is expected, but at the same time, you have no obligation to stay in a relationship you are unhappy in.

if you have AS, then YOU already have problems you are bringing into the relationship. why should anyone date you ever, much less stay in a relationship with you?

Well they don't and haven't. That pretty much answers your question doesn't it?

If they are willing to deal with that, or don't care, then I'm not going to tell them otherwise, it's their choice. The thing is, they all know they can get some one better than me, and do so. I'm simply saying what I am and am not willing to tolerate.

you should not expect more of them than they expect of you. you are going into a relationship with a disorder, so if you would break up with someone for having emotional issues it's a double-standard

Weight Gain isn't "Emotional" it's "Physical". Emotional would be when I was going out with the girl who was a BPD. that was fun. if you liked blood and screaming.

hyperlexian
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12 May 2012, 9:29 pm

rabbittss wrote:

hyperlexian wrote:

rabbittss wrote:

hyperlexian wrote:

rabbittss wrote:

hyperlexian wrote:

it saddens me that people would want to leave someone if they gained weight, especially if it was due to emotional issues. isn't that the very time when people should be sticking by a partner?

if you have AS, then YOU already have problems you are bringing into the relationship. why should anyone date you ever, much less stay in a relationship with you?

you should not expect more of them than they expect of you. you are going into a relationship with a disorder, so if you would break up with someone for having emotional issues it's a double-standard

Weight Gain isn't "Emotional" it's "Physical". Emotional would be when I was going out with the girl who was a BPD. that was fun. if you liked blood and screaming.

noooooo, it often has an emotional basis, which many people in the thread already noted.

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Tequila
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12 May 2012, 9:30 pm

mds_02 wrote:

I mean, I'll try to help my partner, sure. But if they refuse that help, I'm out.

This isn't exactly relevant but UK peeps will get the reference:

mds_02
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12 May 2012, 9:30 pm

hyperlexian wrote:

Ancalagon wrote:

Why should people be forced to date people they aren't attracted to?

at no point has anyone suggested that it should happen, yet it has been brought up by several people in this thread.

Actually, Dw_a_mom said pretty clearly that men who won't date women they're not attracted to are the reason that girls have low self-esteem.

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hyperlexian
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12 May 2012, 9:31 pm

mds_02 wrote:

hyperlexian wrote:

Ancalagon wrote:

Why should people be forced to date people they aren't attracted to?

at no point has anyone suggested that it should happen, yet it has been brought up by several people in this thread.

Actually, Dw_a_mom said pretty clearly that men who won't date women they're not attracted to are the reason that girls have low self-esteem.

that doesn't equal telling people they must be forced to date people.

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mds_02
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12 May 2012, 9:32 pm

hyperlexian wrote:

mds_02 wrote:

hyperlexian wrote:

mds_02 wrote:

hyperlexian wrote:

mds_02 wrote:

hyperlexian wrote:

mds_02 wrote:

hyperlexian wrote:

mds_02 wrote:

KenM wrote:

But what if you like/love someone for who they are, and then they change?

everyone changes. have you seen an 80 year old man naked? even if he is as fit as a fiddle, he sure as heck doesn't look like he is 20.

Yeah, but I think it's a safe assumption that this thread was not about the gradual changes wrought by aging but more likely about dramatic changes happening over a a relatively short period of time.

no, we are talking about both.

it saddens me that people would want to leave someone if they gained weight, especially if it was due to emotional issues. isn't that the very time when people should be sticking by a partner?

i would hope someone would be attracted to a person on a deeper level than just physical, then it can be trusted to linger.

Dn't assume that because the physical matters that it is everything.

rabbittss
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12 May 2012, 9:33 pm

hyperlexian wrote:

noooooo, it often has an emotional basis, which many people in the thread already noted.

Sure, it can have an emotional basis. Other times it can simply be caused by a physical change in their metabolism, or the fact they like to eat cheetos and play world of warcraft for 18 hours a day. There are a LOT of things which can cause weight gain. But regardless of the reason, actually gaining weight is a physical change.

Simply put, if I were to find a woman who was willing to put up with my occasional meltdown, I'd probably be more willing to put up with her own troubles. But I've not yet found one, and based on my previous relationships, I pretty much doubt I ever will. The closest was the BPD girl, and I would probably still be with her if it wasn't for the fact that I was afraid when she finished etch a sketching her own skin with a razor blade she would try to start on mine.

edgewaters
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12 May 2012, 9:33 pm

If its important to you think of it this way: if they got fat, they could get thin; if they`re thin, they could get fat. But personalities do not change so readily.

Anecdotal experience: my current gf was a bit on the heavier side when we first met. I didn`t care too much, she was fun to spend time with. Why be single, when you don`t want to be and there`s someone you`re having fun with you could get together with, that was my logic.

So, since then she lost about 50 lbs. She`s quite thin now. Not skeletal or anything, just doesn`t carry much body fat at all. I can`t say this isn`t appealing, it is, BUT there are two problems which put a strain on things and make me wish sometimes she never did that. One is that [expletive deleted] stepping machine which I just [expletive deleted] hate, I could smash the [expletive deleted] thing, the detestable pounding noises it makes! The other problem is when we go out in public I catch all these dudes sneaking glances, which never happened before. You just want to smash the [expletive deleted]s!! ! :evil:

Plus, I have to be happy about all this. I can't say "no I [expletive deleted] hate this, it was easier before". Got to be enthusiastic about it, because she did put a lot of work into it and it makes her happy about herself. And she is more appealing of course but the whole situation in sum is not without frustration.

hyperlexian
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12 May 2012, 9:34 pm

mds_02 wrote:

hyperlexian wrote:

mds_02 wrote:

hyperlexian wrote:

mds_02 wrote:

hyperlexian wrote:

mds_02 wrote:

hyperlexian wrote:

mds_02 wrote:

hyperlexian wrote:

mds_02 wrote:

KenM wrote:

But what if you like/love someone for who they are, and then they change?

everyone changes. have you seen an 80 year old man naked? even if he is as fit as a fiddle, he sure as heck doesn't look like he is 20.

Yeah, but I think it's a safe assumption that this thread was not about the gradual changes wrought by aging but more likely about dramatic changes happening over a a relatively short period of time.

no, we are talking about both.

it saddens me that people would want to leave someone if they gained weight, especially if it was due to emotional issues. isn't that the very time when people should be sticking by a partner?

i would hope someone would be attracted to a person on a deeper level than just physical, then it can be trusted to linger.

Dn't assume that because the physical matters that it is everything.

it may as well be everything if it is an absolute dealbreaker. all of the rest wouldn't matter just because the person was fat.

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mds_02
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12 May 2012, 9:36 pm

hyperlexian wrote:

mds_02 wrote:

hyperlexian wrote:

Ancalagon wrote:

Why should people be forced to date people they aren't attracted to?

at no point has anyone suggested that it should happen, yet it has been brought up by several people in this thread.

Actually, Dw_a_mom said pretty clearly that men who won't date women they're not attracted to are the reason that girls have low self-esteem.

that doesn't equal telling people they must be forced to date people.

but it is telling them that what they find attractive is wrong. It's not forcing them to date people they are unattracted to, it's telling them who they are allowed to find attractive, which amounts to pretty much the same thing.

Ancalagon
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12 May 2012, 9:38 pm

hyperlexian wrote:

really, what i notice is that people are picky on the board (and occasionally in real life), as they go after a certain type or bodyweight.

As long as people are being realistic about what their level of pickiness is and how it affects their chances, I can't see anything wrong with this.

Quote:

i'd rather someone was going after me (or anyone) because they connect with that person on a deeper level. basically, having aspects about the preferred sex that are attractive but not dealbreakers is quite different from excluding all people who don't match some criteria.

It isn't unreasonable to exclude all people who match certain criteria. There are some things that aren't tolerable. People shouldn't have to pretend that they can tolerate things they can't tolerate.

I'd have a very hard time being with a smoker. Cigarette smoke stinks horribly, and I loathe and despise it. I find it rather unattractive. That doesn't mean that I wouldn't otherwise get along with someone who smokes.

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hyperlexian
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12 May 2012, 9:40 pm

mds_02 wrote:

hyperlexian wrote:

mds_02 wrote:

hyperlexian wrote:

Ancalagon wrote:

Why should people be forced to date people they aren't attracted to?

at no point has anyone suggested that it should happen, yet it has been brought up by several people in this thread.

Actually, Dw_a_mom said pretty clearly that men who won't date women they're not attracted to are the reason that girls have low self-esteem.

that doesn't equal telling people they must be forced to date people.

nobody said they can't date thin women. in fact the best case scenario would be choosing to date someone on deeper criteria than body size.

attraction isn't set in stone. it is malleable to some degree at least. but for some reason there is this idea from many people on WP that attraction cannot and should not change. but why not?

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mds_02
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12 May 2012, 9:42 pm

hyperlexian wrote:

mds_02 wrote:

hyperlexian wrote:

mds_02 wrote:

hyperlexian wrote:

mds_02 wrote:

hyperlexian wrote:

mds_02 wrote:

hyperlexian wrote:

mds_02 wrote:

hyperlexian wrote:

mds_02 wrote:

KenM wrote:

But what if you like/love someone for who they are, and then they change?

everyone changes. have you seen an 80 year old man naked? even if he is as fit as a fiddle, he sure as heck doesn't look like he is 20.

Yeah, but I think it's a safe assumption that this thread was not about the gradual changes wrought by aging but more likely about dramatic changes happening over a a relatively short period of time.

no, we are talking about both.

it saddens me that people would want to leave someone if they gained weight, especially if it was due to emotional issues. isn't that the very time when people should be sticking by a partner?

i would hope someone would be attracted to a person on a deeper level than just physical, then it can be trusted to linger.

Dn't assume that because the physical matters that it is everything.

it may as well be everything if it is an absolute dealbreaker. all of the rest wouldn't matter just because the person was fat.

It's more that there are certain essential things that must be there. If any one of these things is missing, the relationship is a no go for me. Physical attraction, just like having a compatible personality and good moral character, is one of those essentials.

I mean, I could find someone stunningly beautiful, but if they didn't have the other qualities I was looking for I'd leave them too.

Ancalagon
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12 May 2012, 9:44 pm

edgewaters wrote:

If its important to you think of it this way: if they got fat, they could get thin; if they`re thin, they could get fat. But personalities do not change so readily.

QFT

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mds_02
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12 May 2012, 9:44 pm

hyperlexian wrote:

mds_02 wrote:

hyperlexian wrote:

mds_02 wrote:

hyperlexian wrote:

Ancalagon wrote:

Why should people be forced to date people they aren't attracted to?

at no point has anyone suggested that it should happen, yet it has been brought up by several people in this thread.

Actually, Dw_a_mom said pretty clearly that men who won't date women they're not attracted to are the reason that girls have low self-esteem.

that doesn't equal telling people they must be forced to date people.

Attraction can change, and there is nothing wrong with it changing, but it's not something people can consciously choose to change.

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