Why is Asperger's unattractive?

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aspiesavant
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11 Apr 2015, 10:24 am

First of all, I think there's a big difference between men and women. In my experience, female Aspies don't struggle nearly as much with failing to attract the opposite sex, although they do have other problems male Asperger's don't have (like being easier targets for sexual predators).

The following are some of the main reasons men and women with Asperger's fail to attract those of the opposite sex, based on my personal experience. I by no means wish to argue that these are the only reasons or that all of these apply to each and everyone with Asperger's. It is by no means intended as a scientific analysis, but only as an overview of my personal and very individual perception of the matter.

For men with Asperger's :

* Dating typically involves a ritual known as flirting. It creates sexual tension that increases the attraction of women towards men. As most men with Asperger's are incapable of flirting (or have very poor flirting skills), it's hard for them to create this (often necessary) sexual tension.

* Confidence (of the appearance thereof) is a very attractive trait in men. Many men with Asperger's are insecure or have the outward appearance of being insecure.

* Men with Asperger's often appear more childlike and thus less mature than they really are.

* Many men with Asperger's struggle with personal hygiene and/or dressing themselves in a way that is appealing to women.

* Women tend to find comfort in small talk. Men with Asperger's generally loathe small talk and/or struggle when trying to engage in small talk.

* Men with Asperger's tend to have unusual lifestyles and/or interests most women can't relate to.

* Men with Asperger's tend to be clumsy and/or fail to appreciate social conventions, which makes many women feel awkward of even ashamed of when being in their presence.

* ...

For women with Asperger's :

* Many women with Asperger's are more androgynous in their thinking, their behavior and/or their overall appearance than other women, which makes them less appealing to some men.

* Many women with Asperger's are more aloof than other women, which is a turnoff for many men.

How to deal with this :

* Internet dating can help overcome some of these issues. I met most of my exes and my current girlfriend on the Internet.

* Focus your attention on geeky / quirky men or women. They're more likely to appreciate your quirks.

* Once you establish a connection with someone, be open about your Asperger's. People are more likely to be forgiving about your quirks than if you don't inform them.



hmk66
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11 Apr 2015, 11:32 am

Gauldoth wrote:
Ok, first of all, let's get a few things clear:

While I agree with OP's sentiment that Aspergers can make one attractive to the opposite sex, I believe this is really only true for men. Now, I realize female Aspergers are exceptionally rare and I personally don't know any, but the few I've heard of and met online seem to have no problem finding eager and willing romantic partners. The better question really would be why are male Aspergers so unattractive to women.

The answer is actually fairly simple: there are is a certain set psychological traits that women place immense value on in men, and Aspergers, generally speaking, are all fairly lacking in those traits.

Women like loud, extroverted and charismatic men. Aspergers are, almost by definition, quiet, introverted, and (and I apologize to all my Aspie brethren out there for this one, but come on, we all know it's true) uncharismatic.

Women like men who are highly socially attuned and can read subtle social cues. That type of thing simply beyond the ability of most Aspies.

The list goes on and on.

True. Women are different from men, and so are Aspie women from Aspie men.



AusWolf
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11 Apr 2015, 12:16 pm

aspiesavant wrote:
First of all, I think there's a big difference between men and women. In my experience, female Aspies don't struggle nearly as much with failing to attract the opposite sex, although they do have other problems male Asperger's don't have (like being easier targets for sexual predators).

The following are some of the main reasons men and women with Asperger's fail to attract those of the opposite sex, based on my personal experience. I by no means wish to argue that these are the only reasons or that all of these apply to each and everyone with Asperger's. It is by no means intended as a scientific analysis, but only as an overview of my personal and very individual perception of the matter.

For men with Asperger's :

* Dating typically involves a ritual known as flirting. It creates sexual tension that increases the attraction of women towards men. As most men with Asperger's are incapable of flirting (or have very poor flirting skills), it's hard for them to create this (often necessary) sexual tension.

* Confidence (of the appearance thereof) is a very attractive trait in men. Many men with Asperger's are insecure or have the outward appearance of being insecure.

* Men with Asperger's often appear more childlike and thus less mature than they really are.

* Many men with Asperger's struggle with personal hygiene and/or dressing themselves in a way that is appealing to women.

* Women tend to find comfort in small talk. Men with Asperger's generally loathe small talk and/or struggle when trying to engage in small talk.

* Men with Asperger's tend to have unusual lifestyles and/or interests most women can't relate to.

* Men with Asperger's tend to be clumsy and/or fail to appreciate social conventions, which makes many women feel awkward of even ashamed of when being in their presence.

* ...

For women with Asperger's :

* Many women with Asperger's are more androgynous in their thinking, their behavior and/or their overall appearance than other women, which makes them less appealing to some men.

* Many women with Asperger's are more aloof than other women, which is a turnoff for many men.

How to deal with this :

* Internet dating can help overcome some of these issues. I met most of my exes and my current girlfriend on the Internet.

* Focus your attention on geeky / quirky men or women. They're more likely to appreciate your quirks.

* Once you establish a connection with someone, be open about your Asperger's. People are more likely to be forgiving about your quirks than if you don't inform them.


I think your post should be pinned or formed into an article, because I find it very accurate when comparing it with my own experience. There are just a few things I'd like to comment on:

* I have always found aloofness attractive in women. Probably because I have AS too. :) What if we are wired to find one another attractive, but not normal people? What if we are a different species? :D

* I have never thought talking about a psychological condition could be advantageous in a social situation. I might try it next time I'm having a crush. :)



hmk66
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11 Apr 2015, 1:52 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
I have no charisma--and I don't give a rat's butt!

Just be yourself. The vast majority of people over a certain age respond to that more than to "charisma."


I wonder how long I have to wait. I am almost 49 years old. People say that I am good-looking or charismatic, but as long as I have no dating experience, it is just a saying. Saying/telling something is different from actually thinking or meaning something.



hmk66
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11 Apr 2015, 1:55 pm

Lazar_Kaganovich wrote:
Cafeaulait wrote:

It's a load of BS. Just so you know. You have no idea of the troubles women with aspergers face in relationships. The fact that you say this while you hardly know any women with aspergers yourself, says enough.


I don't doubt that women with Aspergers face difficulties in relationships and yes, I HAVE known and talked to a few before. But what I observe is that their social ineptness isn't as much of a barrier to getting into relationships as it is for men.


For women it is easier to get a dating experience, including autistic women. For NT men it is harder, and for autistic men it is even much harder. Nor do I doubt that Asperger women will face difficulties in relationships.



Gauldoth
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11 Apr 2015, 3:16 pm

Oh, for Pete's sake! Let me ask you something: why is it that EVERY. SINGLE. GODDAMN. time you point out a way in which women have it easier than men, everybody starts complaining that you're generalizing? Look, I know the socially-acceptable narrative of today is that men are a priviledged group and that women always have it harder no matter what... but I expected the people here, of all places, to know how much BS that narrative is.



androbot01
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11 Apr 2015, 3:40 pm

So the criteria is getting dates. And the claim is that it is easier for autistic women to get dates than autistic men. I still see no evidence either way.



ASS-P
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11 Apr 2015, 3:42 pm

...Where to begin ? :) :(



androbot01
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11 Apr 2015, 3:44 pm

pick a good example then



kraftiekortie
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11 Apr 2015, 3:46 pm

MEN might have it harder.....it doesn't mean that YOU must have it harder.



Gauldoth
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11 Apr 2015, 3:47 pm

androbot01 wrote:
So the criteria is getting dates. And the claim is that it is easier for autistic women to get dates than autistic men. I still see no evidence either way.


I've already shown you a testimony by another forumite, and you have testimonies from several others in this thread alone. If you don't find that convincing enough, fine, but now it's your turn: present some evidence to back up your claim or stfu.



androbot01
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11 Apr 2015, 3:48 pm

It's such a meaningless statement though, kraftie...generalizations are useless and lead to prejudice.



androbot01
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11 Apr 2015, 3:50 pm

Gauldoth wrote:
androbot01 wrote:
So the criteria is getting dates. And the claim is that it is easier for autistic women to get dates than autistic men. I still see no evidence either way.


I've already shown you a testimony by another forumite, and you have testimonies from several others in this thread alone. If you don't find that convincing enough, fine, but now it's your turn: present some evidence to back up your claim or stfu.



My, my ... testy today. I haven't claimed to have any evidence.



kraftiekortie
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11 Apr 2015, 3:52 pm

Men might have it harder because they are usually the pursuers. They are put into a position to be rejected more often.

But.....it is one's job to buck the trend. Relying on the general trend is useless. You have to create your own trends.



Gauldoth
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11 Apr 2015, 3:52 pm

androbot01 wrote:
Gauldoth wrote:
androbot01 wrote:
So the criteria is getting dates. And the claim is that it is easier for autistic women to get dates than autistic men. I still see no evidence either way.


I've already shown you a testimony by another forumite, and you have testimonies from several others in this thread alone. If you don't find that convincing enough, fine, but now it's your turn: present some evidence to back up your claim or stfu.



My, my ... testy today. I haven't claimed to have any evidence.


Well, in that case, you already have your instructions. :)

kraftiekortie wrote:
Men might have it harder because they are usually the pursuers. They are put into a position to be rejected more often.

But.....it is one's job to buck the trend. Relying on the general trend is useless. You have to create your own trends.


Yeah, here's the problem with that idea, you can't just "buck the trend".

If you, as a guy, decide to go against the norm and take a passive approach to dating, you know what will happen? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. No one will ever come to you and you'll be alone for the rest of the days.

"Bucking the trend" is only really an option if you happen to have your sexual organs on the inside. Otherwise, you're stuck with the role society/Nature gave you and even then, there's no guarantee of success. :roll:



kraftiekortie
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11 Apr 2015, 3:59 pm

LOL....I am an advocate of NOT allowing the general trend to determine the possibility of my success. I fail because I didn't do something right, not because of some macrocosmic tendency.