Aspires and NT relationship issues

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I see a distinct difference between randomly sending a person a text on your own and replying to one of those awful facebook "send to all your friends" things--that is the modern day equivalent of a chain letter, for those old enough to know what that is. lol I understand what you are saying about abilities. That is why what I am actually asking is about what the aspie thinks or feels inside, not what they are expressing. I understand that what you feel might not always make it to the surface. That is why I am asking a more in-depth question. But when I try to discuss such things with my aspie friend, I get ignored. I do, to an extent, understand that too, based on the above. That is why I ask here. Understand my question, and the reason for it, better maybe? But that expression, even if it is not directly personal in a forum like this, is still difficult, I am guessing, right?

Oh, and if my apsie friend WOULD talk my ear off about ...anything...I'd jump all over that. He used to come to me every day with what I used to call "his problem of the day"...it would be some math or science or other geeky problem that he would sit and work out with me at length. I loved that. He loved that because no one else loved that. lol. How often does an aspie go off on one of their long discussions about their special interest and have the other person ACTUALLY like it!? I loved it. I'm a geek at heart and so is he, so his special interests match my own, and since he is so intense about it, I found him amazing! But right now I am assuming he doesn't want contact from me because his last words were mean. My response to him was ignored. And if I open up that channel again, he will likely just respond out of politeness but it would be short and empty...and if I tell him how I've felt or that I really want to talk to him more, he'll just ignore me. Or say something mean for having the audacity to get close to him...a terrible sin in his world, maybe because it makes him feel. I have no idea. But I fight myself every day to not allow myself to contact him because I feel like a fool. If I mean something to him at all...he'll have to contact me. Doing it the other way around has gotten me nothing but hurt.

It comes down to this: show me how you feel, OR tell me how you feel. I've gotten neither from him.

But my waiting for him to make contact could never happen, but I will never know if it is because of his Asperger's or if it is because he hates me. The outward appearance of both of those things is the same, so I will never know which it is.

Last edited by imhere on 07 Oct 2017, 6:50 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Hi AspieSingleDad, I am wondering if you would mind if I ask you a question, in response to what you have stated, within the quoted text, above^. I am autistic, which may or may not matter. You mention that Aspies absolutely, want to be loved and cared for, and to have somebody in your life, who misses you when you aren't around.

I have a friend who is an Aspie. I haven't seen/conversed with him, in approximately three weeks. I sent a note to him, 10 days, ago, letting him know that "I will be looking forward to seeing him, again, whenever he is to return". I sent an additional note to him, 5 days, ago, simply letting him know that "he is missed". Being that my sentiments correspond or correlate with what you have expressed, does this mean that it is ok/not too much pressure for him, if he were to have read my notes? After I sent them, I became concerned, that perhaps it was disrespectful of me, or might make him feel pressured in a way. Which is not what I would want to do. I know we are all different in various respects, so, you may have different needs and desires than my friend, however, would you appreciate receiving a note or two, that expressed the sentiments I sent to my friend? Thank you in advance, for any input you may have to offer me.

That is a very good question, and I'd be interested in the answer too. NTs have been saying that we wold like things like that from our aspie friends, but what we didn't ask is if we did those things for our aspie friend (which we do), would it be appreciated or would it feel like pressure?

This is exactly what I try to be to my friend . .. . .. .. I may not always understand autism but I'm doing my darned best. I read everything I can find . .. and persevere on here despite feeling totally misunderstood most of the time. He knows that I would do pretty much anything if I am able to make him happy. . .. . He knows he can call on me if he needs anything and I'll do my best to help. . . .. . I certainly know he enjoys my absolute loyalty and including him in my social events. . .. . I will rearrange things to join him on adventures he may invite me on. Often around his specialist interests. He has learnt that I love being part of these. He used to worry I would be bored or find him boring . .. . He now believes me that I enjoy listening to him and I love learning about his passions.
He trusts me that I will never reveal his secrets and to ask my opinion about how to manage difficult social situations . .. . . ..

Thanks for the question. Understand, I'm not some expert, I really only use what I've read and my personal experiences as examples. All autistic people are different. This one is an interesting question and one that might give you more than you bargained for, but I feel obligated to be honest.

I don't tend to get personal mail myself, but my son frequently gets letters from his aunt and uncle for various occasions and those usually include little artifacts and treats my son loves. So you'd think I'd be motivated to keep up with the mail since my it means so much to my son. Yet I have found myself paralyzed from getting the mail, which is located at the entrance to a community my son and I live in. I get paralyzed because I'm afraid there will be some official letter about something that will upset me, or say I'm not eligible for something i.e. funding for college that I depend on, or whatever.

So I went from like November until around June of this year not opening the mail. I finally opened the mail, and the mailbox was so full that I appreciated the talent it must have taken for the mailman to continue to fit it in. There were the letters from my son's aunt and uncle, which made me feel guilty, but he enjoyed them just the same (even if the chocolate melted). But than there was a letter from an attorney concerning the foreclosure of my father's property in North Carolina. I was estranged with my father and and hadn't spoken to him in over 20 years, but I always had hope that when I finished college he'd have a chance to meet his grandson.

The letter indicated this was being sent to me since I was listed as a member of the estate. With trepidation I called the number of the attorney on top of the letterhead and confirmed my fear. My father had actually passed on 07/04/16. So I haven't opened mail since May even though I know my son likely has 2 or 3 more letters from his aunt and uncle.

So, to me, receiving mail has a negative connotation to begin with. It is filled with bad news or administrative crap designed to add stress to my life. I guess I'd wonder if your autistic friend even received those letters. Also, if they did, and it was six months later, they would probably be too embarrassed to respond. You know, I'm pretty sure I've never sent out a written correspondence in my life aside from what I might have been required to do when I was in fourth grade.

If he reads the notes, I don't think he'll be upset or feel pressured. He'd probably appreciate them (I would). I just wouldn't expect much in return. If he doesn't reply back, it isn't because he didn't like the letter or doesn't like you, it would likely be because he wouldn't know what to say and may not like that form of communication.

Thank you so much, for your thoughtful explanation. I expect absolutely, nothing in return, as receiving a response had not been the purpose for reaching out to him. I, have simply wanted to let him know he is being thought of, and he is missed. I'm sorry, I was unclear. My notes were in the form of electronic communication, not mail. I suppose I used the word note as a way to indicate a brief note/a brief hello, as opposed to a letter, which makes me think of a long letter. I sincerely, appreciate your reply. Thank you, again.

I experience the very same issue that you seem to, with regard to opening mail. I have spoken to my therapist about bringing my mail to her office, and opening it while there. In my case, it causes me to experience extreme, sensory overload, and, somehow, in addition, it triggers the fight or flight physical feelings that come about, when anxiety has snowballed out of control. I am not entirely, sure why this is, but, perhaps due to past experiences that I haven't completely worked through. Or, simply a symptom of executive functioning problems. I've gone off topic. Thank you, again, for your assistance/words of wisdom.

LOL yeah so email or text message, totally different. I wouldn't have written that story about my dad. I'm sure he appreciated the note with no pressure added.

As for opening regular mail, I think a lot of it has to do with difficulty with executive functions. That's what I suspect for myself anyway.

While it will be better for someone who is ASD to answer this, I can tell you what I know about my son (or at least think I know):

I believe he thinks of his girlfriend at random moments, if he sees something that reminds him of her, but I do not think he spends time visualizing what she is doing or how she is feeling; he always looked at me like I had lost my mind when I would ask questions like that when we were on family vacation; he would just answer, "how would I know?" He is a mama's boy in many ways but when I'm out of sight, I am also out of mind unless there is some trigger. He tends to live more in the moment and place where he actually is. MANY more people think of him as a close friend than he thinks of as close friends. I know of 4 people he will make an effort to contact, and he isn't one the Aspies who worries about how he comes across; he just doesn't see the USE of it, unless there is a specific reason. He tells those 4 when he will be in town, for example, so they can get together. He will contact them if there is something he wants help with. He is perfectly content thinking of someone as a friend even if he hasn't seen them in a year or two or three, and without an event or question in mind isn't going to invent a reason to talk or get together. Basically, he isn't interested in specific flowers enough to make a point of remembering to water them. That doesn't mean he doesn't like or even love flowers, but you have to understand that remembering what to do each moment of each day is already a challenge for him because he has severe executive dysfunction issues (he has actually simply forgotten to show up for work, DESPITE programmed reminders). In the priority system he has to use to get through life, putting water on flowers just isn't up there. Except the girlfriend. He texts and talks to her every day (they aren't living in the same country right now), possibly because she makes sure of it, but she seems to "get" him and that makes me happy.

@AspieSingleDad - I neglected to address your Father. I am very sorry for your loss. There are likely, additional parts to your post that I neglected to address, and perhaps makes me seem quite uncaring, unempathic. I care very much, but, find that I don't possess the ability to retain all of the information I read, if there is multiple subject matter, within a post. I apologize for anything of importance that I did not respond to. Thank you, again, ASD. Oh, jeeze. I did not compute that your user name initials (acronym) are ASD. Brilliant.

Thanks for that. It was not what I wanted to hear, but it was honest. So he's probably not even thinking of me at all then. So I guess that means there is really no point in me trying so hard to figure out how to understand him or what he wants. If he's not contacting me, then he's not thinking of me, and if he's not thinking of me, then I'm not high enough on his priority list that I matter, and if I don't matter then there's my answer. grrrrrrr. Wish it was different. But this makes sense logically. Too bad I can't stop thinking about him so easily.

You didn't have to address anything about my dad, I was just trying to use that story as an example. As for my name, yeah....I totally planned it that way...it's not like I didn't do that on purpose and than you pointed it out to me right now which would be ridiculous...yessiree, planned it that way and a freggin genius

^ I did understand that you were simply using that story as an example, however, it was of a sensitive nature, and, I neglected to express my sentiments. I don't see reading that a person's Father passed, not long, ago, as something of little importance. Therefore, I felt the desire to add that I was sorry to hear of your loss. Forgive me for going on about it. Indeed, coming up with your username was genius. heehee! : )

It is apparent from reading your post, here, that you care to learn/do more for your friend's benefit. If I may offer you a suggestion - I think it would be of help to both, you and your friend, if you were to learn more, about AS/ASD processing, as well as Alexithymia. He may very well, have Alexithymia. Reading about it may offer you information that will give you a more in-depth understanding, and provide you with some hope. You see, your friend may literally, not have the ability to tell you what he thinks and feels, and due to your personal expectations, he may feel that it is futile to contact you.

If you were to learn more about the way his mind works, let go of your current expectations, and if you are fortunate enough to receive another opportunity to interact with him in the future, it is very possible, that you and he might reconnect in an entirely different way. In a more productive, more compatible, more compassionate, more enlightened and positive way. You should, also, try to consider the fact, that your friend is not an extension of you. He is his own person. You either love him for all of who he is, or be good to him, and let him go. I wish you the best.

IMO thinking of someone has little to do with contacting them. A lot of us tend to defer to NTs to plan time together because we presume the most thoughtful way to proceed is to avoid potentially bothering someone.

Everyone can get anxious, there's no need to read farther into it.

Britte, I've been thinking that about the alexithymia issue for quite a while. This hit home when I asked him if he wanted me to go to a performance of his, he honestly could not answer about if he wanted me there or not, and I really don't think he knew if he did or did not, and this happened on two separate occasions. The first time I went--he was surprised but not angry or anything. The second time, I was frustrated that he couldn't just tell me (I did not know then what I know now), so I didn't go...would you believe the next day he was grumpy and I can't help but to wonder if it was because I was not there.

Interestingly, he asked me on multiple occasions what I thought of HIM. I'm guess this was because he could not analyze that for himself, totally understandable for an aspie. I answered his question in context each time (once it was about his work but once it was personal). But what he probably didn't understand was that I have no idea how he felt about me, and when asked directly the way he asked me, he can't answer. If alexithymia is an issue for him, I suspect he has no idea what that is.

I've tried to learn what I can, but what I really need is to know how HE feels. Not what the research says he may feel or what he may fear. Like I keep feeling: there is a distinct possibility that he just can't stand me. Or it's the Asperger's. Two very different things, but there is no way for me to know, and like you said, I've suspected for some time that he does not know. It seems like an impossible situation. Everyone else around us knew we were close...everyone except for him.

Also, I do love him for all of who he is, I just have no idea how he feels about me.

But you have to read further into it. I did try to make plans to do something together and he rejected it, and even got mean about my inviting him. If all the signals he sent out were done outside of the context of me knowing about his Asperger's I would "take the hint" in no uncertain terms that he disliked me, significantly disliked me. But that is not the case. He does have asperger's, and unlike you said, you have to read further into it...all the signals he puts out can be interpreted as either significant dislike OR as typical aspie behavior. Just because someone has Asperger's doesn't mean they can't significantly dislike someone, lol, so there is no way for me to know which it is if he can't/won't tell me. I interpreted his feelings towards me from his behavior as close friendship when we saw each other daily, now we don't see each other regularly and it seems I meant nothing. It's painful to feel so cliff-hangered like that. It makes me feel worse to think I was just part of his routine, nothing more, and his routine has now changed and I'm simply no longer in it. What I thought was our close friendship started with me trying to be there for him when the rest of the world was not.