Will I have to become what I hate?

Post Reply New Topic

Some abusers are quite good at making people think they are so wonderful. That's how abusers get victims. They make everyone think the victim is the bad guy so nobody will believe the victim. They make the victim and the victim's family members think they can't live or survive without him. Your wife is right in that she would be dead by now if she had stayed with him.

Seeing these men in real time for who they are is usually very, very difficult.

A friend recently told me that her husband showed no signs of his other self for 2 full years.

I would either be finally composing music or finally doing actually good drawings. I would be in Austin or atleast out of my mother's home.

The abuser acts like the most wonderful guy in the world until they get their victim right where they want them and then they show their true colours.

Oh yeeeeeeeaaaaaaashhhhh....how did I forget about you wanting to write music? This might be the ONE THING I can say to you that you’ll find useful.

Composing music is, like, the most sedentary thing anyone can do. You don’t need a tremendous amount of tools. Just start composing. Set aside at least one hour a day just for starters and dedicate yourself to that. If you feel good about it, you can go all night and never bother anyone.

When I’m actually busy with it, I’ll be going between 4-8 hours a day. Right now I’m seriously in the middle of composer’s block that’s been going on nearly a year. My church gig gives me a slight advantage because I’m in a position to reharmonize old hymns or modify new stuff, plus I’m responsible for getting the band’s music together. It’s not actual composing, BUT it keeps me from just going completely to rot.

I also write arrangements for my student ensemble for school performances—nothing above beginner level, but, again, it keeps my brain working creatively.

But my BIG project I’m working on right now, and it’s a massive undertaking that’s going to take me maybe 3 or months working every day: I’m creating a generative music program in PureData based on my master’s thesis equivalent. It’s an extension of serialism that I’ve modified to allow the possibility of tonality. It can have a wide range of applications, but I’m mainly concerned with using it to create relaxing ambient music to help people who have trouble sleeping.

I’ve already written a program that will do this, but it’s very primitive. I always use random elements in my music, which is good in a way because you need variation in order to keep a musical composition going. My current algorithm can generate hours or even days of music that is organically unified but is constantly shifting. It also fails to allow for dynamics or variation in tone color or intensity. The algorithm I’m working on now will directly solve the problem of tone color variation. The first one, while generating musical patterns and variations, orders the central motive and variations in ways that are, well, somewhat chaotic and sloppy. The new one will actually LINK notes with tone colors and rhythm in very specific ways. While this is much more limiting than my previous method, it’s actually more versatile. Quite simply, there are 864 ways the main musical idea can be transformed. Any combination of up to 4 of those sounding simultaneously will give listenable results.

My goal is to use these algorithms as the basis for a mobile app. I’m a long way from this because I have yet to understand the DSP side of PureData. I have to build a virtual synthesizer that uses a minimal amount of memory and still adequately recreate or replace the sounds I use in Logic Pro X. And then there’s the obvious: porting my PureData work to a mobile app development platform.

Prior to learning PD, I’ve had very little functional experience in programming. So I’ll have to start learning how to make iPhone apps just to get started. I want this to be a paid app, also. I need the money! There are already several generative music apps out there already, some developed by heavy hitters in electronic music, so I already know getting noticed is going to be hard. But still, it’s worth trying.

That’s what I’M doing, anyway.

Oh, and very important to know: PureData is free and open source. It will run on any computer. I’m seriously looking into investing in a Raspberry Pi running a Linux distro for possibly making my PureData work into an installation for use in art galleries. It’s also extremely powerful. I watched a video where someone used PD connected to a piano modded with solenoids. You could feed a voice recording into PD and the computer would then have the piano recreate the human voice, like a sort of acoustic version of a vocoder. INSANE. You can do practically anything with it and it costs nothing. The only thing frustrating about it is how much time, patience, and open mind you have to devote to it. Thankfully there are tons of YouTube videos from experts and regular users out there without which I’d never be able to get a sound out of it.

It’s exciting to me. But if your time for composing is lacking or you’re just having too much trouble getting started, consider learning PD. I’m still refining the algorithms I want to use. However, what I actually have right now that’s functional is capable of creating synthesized works, full-length notated works for symphony orchestras, and anything in between.

In preparing to write my first program, I came up with this very basic version while learning basic PD concepts. The sound quality is horrible and I’m using a primitive 12-tone technique which might sound even more unsettling. But you’ll get a rough idea where I’m going musically with PD. I should probably make an updated video. But considering I want to do a paid app based on my work, I don’t want to give too much away.

Nobody can really stop you from composing if you want to do it. Go for it!

I agree completely.



After training I can do lying quite well, if needed, even with good body language (I can be a good actor if I care enough). However, first - I do not feel good (unless it is a short joke) and second - it is not real life, just very long show and it is up to everyone how long they want to play.
Thinking and caring is a hard work. The majority is lazy and for them it is more comfortable to live the fake life (it is like choosing to stay in Matrix because the real life is not pretty anyway).

In relationships it is A LOT about looks (and status) - you can not change these easily.
I would never recommend to became somebody else (especially not fake show men as you described).
I do not think that girls desire drungs, smelly, crazy, ignorrant guys. Girls, I think, are just little tired of very passive guys that always have 100 of excuses but 0 solutions (sometimes nicely but fakely called "good guys").

Good solutions and creativity works (on almost anyone ) and in addition if you move and create, you will end up not only with better mood but also with some good product at the end (and I do not mean product as some thing only...)

If you get a good job the girls will like you. It worked for me.

People think my job (library circulation technician) is a good job but there are no girls who want to date me. All the younger girls are already in relationships and the rest are these bitter older married or divorced women.

To be honest, your posts do not help me at all. I don't even know if you are on my side or if you just want to put false hope in my head and laugh at me behind my back.

Do you have a lit of friends?

No. The few friendships I had in my developmental years ended and so did the ones I had in high school when I graduated. I had some new ones in the support group my mother and a social worker helped form but even those friendships fell apart. The only adult friend I made with my own ability turned out to be a user and cut me off when she moved away because she couldn't exploit me anymore.

Meet more people. Very few people are interested in desperate guys with no friends.

Desperation is like a woman repellent. Meet some people, hang out with them, get some hobbies you enjoy, take up new hobbies, just be interesting.

I can't really do that in my area. I don't smoke until my nostrils burn, I don't drink until I pass out, and I about football or guns. Most of the males in my area only care about these things. Even a lot of the women do the same things.

Enjoy being alone then. I’d move if the place I lived was that awful.

I'd rather die than continue to live being alone. I don't want the ones who terrorized me to ever celebrate.

My advice is to commit to your composing, and maybe add an art class to help you get to the level you would like to be at. Not only is the music something that will help your soul breath and feel centered, but the idea of a guy who can create music is incredibly romantic to women. Develop and nurture these interests and you may just get where you need to be.

Music isn't my forte so I can't help you navigate the path, but I do know that following your passion and talent is a winning proposition. You've got the "day" job, and that should keep the bills paid, so your free time can be poured into your art without worrying about the commercial side.

Once your art has helped you reach a better place in your head, start thinking about how to move to Austin.

This is what I would suggest, anyway. It strikes me as a path that can eventually lead you to many of the things you want.

I don't think there are long time members here who would ever want to laugh behind someone's back. I'm not sure if I recall correctly because I've been on here intermittently for so many years, but I think RetroGamer87 may ounce have been in a similar position to you. None of us are ever going to manage to find the right things to say every time to everyone. Since all we can do is try, sometimes simply reminding us of the important data we're missing, or gently letting us know that we're far off the mark or even hurtful, is useful.