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Possible ways to help many autistic people find love?

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Fnord
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01 Apr 2021, 3:34 pm

Jakki wrote:
Likes the concept of a Sadie Hawkins event
As a theoretical concept, it makes sense.

As a realistic practice, it leaves much to be desired.

• Women tend to lack the courage to ask for dates.  Maybe it is fear of embarrassment, fear of being turned down, or fear of being perceived as desperate. (Please forgive me if this is a sexist opinion -- it is based on my own observations and on what my wife and sisters have told me.)

• People in general tend to ask for dates from others who are more attractive.  Thus, a normally attractive person is likely to ask a great-looking person for a date, but ignore someone else who is also normally attractive, while that great-looking person is likely to be holding out for an invitation from a fantastic-looking person.

• In some cultures, the person who does the asking pays for the date.  In other cultures, the man always pays, even if the woman asks.  When two people from different cultures start dating, it may not be long before they break up.

Sometimes, I wonder if the Western World lost something when it left the Eastern World's concept of a match-maker behind.



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01 Apr 2021, 3:49 pm

That Eastern idea feels a bit outdated , particularly if a persons got no living family left and few friends .


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01 Apr 2021, 3:51 pm

Perhaps widows and seniors shouldn’t have those kinda opportunities anymore is this life ? :o


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01 Apr 2021, 4:01 pm

Jakki wrote:
That Eastern idea feels a bit outdated, particularly if a persons got no living family left and few friends.
Nu?  I am not talking about "Shidduch," bubbeleh ... I am talking about a formal matchmaking service -- not a dating service, but a service through which people intentionally match people with other people.

There are background checks, there are interviews, there is counselling, there is coaching ... all for a fee, of course.

Think of it like marriage counselling, but between two who have never met before -- a more formal process than "The Bachelor/Bachelorette" or "The Dating Game" TV shows, and with much less drama.



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01 Apr 2021, 4:50 pm

Had forgotten such a thing exists, is it more of a Eastern type thing ?


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01 Apr 2021, 4:57 pm

Jakki wrote:
Had forgotten such a thing exists, is it more of a Eastern type thing?
An offshoot of European traditions, melded with Western psychology practices ... they gained some popularity in the 50s and 60s, but do not seem to be around much any more.

Maybe it is time to revive the practice?  After the covid crisis is over, of course.

Treat each individual the same way as a job applicant, including what type of person they are looking for, see if a mutual match can be found, and then make a discrete and private introduction.



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01 Apr 2021, 5:47 pm

I don't really believe that formalized "matchmaking" sorts of situations leads to the fulfillment of "love," even though it might get you married to someone.

I'd rather find love without anybody seeking to intercede on my behalf.



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01 Apr 2021, 6:10 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
I don't really believe that formalized "matchmaking" sorts of situations leads to the fulfillment of "love," even though it might get you married to someone.  I'd rather find love without anybody seeking to intercede on my behalf.
Some people need intervention of one kind or another, Kortie.  We both know at least one member of this website who literally needs someone else to find a girlfriend for him.



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01 Apr 2021, 11:38 pm

Fnord wrote:
kraftiekortie wrote:
I don't really believe that formalized "matchmaking" sorts of situations leads to the fulfillment of "love," even though it might get you married to someone.  I'd rather find love without anybody seeking to intercede on my behalf.
Some people need intervention of one kind or another, Kortie.  We both know at least one member of this website who literally needs someone else to find a girlfriend for him.
My parents were set up by a mutual friend when they were in college. The friend was much more closer to my mom than my dad thou. Her & my mom were good friends growing up & my dad met her in college. They are all NT & my parents were fairly normal people.


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02 Apr 2021, 12:06 am

Mona Pereth wrote:
Back to the original topic. I've added the following to my page:

Quote:
Online games with locale-based teams

Some of the techies among us could develop new kinds of online games that would also facilitate people getting together in real life.

There already exist online games that encourage players to organize into teams. An example (which my partner likes to play) is Forge of Empires, a combination of strategy game, war game, and city-building game, in which players are encouraged (though not required) to join or create teams known as "guilds."

What would be very helpful, in my opinion, would be if someone could create some team-oriented online games in which players are encouraged to organize into teams based on their actual physical locales. That way, members of a team could have the option of getting together in-person if they so choose.

Getting to know people in the context of an online game and then meeting in person would probably be a much easier and less awkward way for many of us to find both platonic friends and potential romantic partners than either dating apps or just meeting people at in-person social gatherings.

The games, as I envision them, would be marketed to online gamers in general, not just autistic people. But they would be designed by teams of autistic programmers, with the social needs and difficulties of autistic people in mind.

Ideally the games would be of genres that appeal to roughly equal numbers of men and women.
I'm personally not a fan of online gaming, especially playing with strangers. Guilds & teams tend to have a list of requirements to stay in them. You have to participate in certain events & challenges & have to perform well in them, & have to donate so much money &/or resources to the group. Plenty online games encourage players to spend real money on the game in order for anyone to have a somewhat realistic chance of keeping up with everyone else. Those games also tend to update very frequently & each update is more buggy than the last & requires more powerful hardware every time & I can not afford to buy a new tablet every few months in order to keep playing a game. I'd much rather buy a game & pay one time & then turn the game system on & play the game I want when I want to play it. When I get frustrated or busy I could just not play for months & then pick up right where I left off when I get back to playing. I also like being able to reload my last save when I make a major mistake. Maybe I'm too old-skewl & too OCDish with gaming. When I would play online games with others, it would be with people I already know & we'd mostly be screwing around. I know it's fairly common for some couples these days to find each other by playing online games so the online game idea may have a bit of potential to help some Aspies meet people but it might not work for Aspies like me.


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02 Apr 2021, 12:19 am

If you guys need advice I'll just adopt my lady's man persona, Magnum Remington. I've pulled more tail than a slow kid at a petting zoo. 8)


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02 Apr 2021, 9:57 am

How about Steve Urkel's slick and suave alter-ego?



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02 Apr 2021, 10:29 am

Looolz ... Urkel ........ that’s what we need .


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03 Apr 2021, 2:02 am

Fnord wrote:
Jakki wrote:
Likes the concept of a Sadie Hawkins event
[color=black]As a theoretical concept, it makes sense.

As a realistic practice, it leaves much to be desired.

• Women tend to lack the courage to ask for dates.  Maybe it is fear of embarrassment, fear of being turned down, or fear of being perceived as desperate. (Please forgive me if this is a sexist opinion -- it is based on my own observations and on what my wife and sisters have told me.)



Nope, not sexist. I have female friends who feel that way.

Societal norm is that the man will ask you out. If no one asks you out then you feel like an ugly reject.

If you believe you are an ugly reject it's humiliating and feels desperate to have to step outside of the norm to be the asker. If you get to that point, you feel like you look desperate to others.

Also, we saw older women not getting dates when we were teenagers. We heard them being ridiculed as weirdos, maybe we even thought they were weirdos. Not necessarily because of being single, but because of how they behaved. Bad social skills, irritable tempers, kinda ugly. This is a real person I knew. She is very unappealing personality and looks wise. Some people just are. Dear reader, You're a ridiculous softy if you believe everyone is beautiful.

That previous generation mostly found partners and these weird, ugly women never did.

Now that we are older and single, we forget that actually that's getting more normal in the millennial generation and were not weird and ugly, society has changed. People don't settle down like they used to.

But we still think we've turned into those weird ugly women we knew when we were 15 who are still single in their 50s.

Who are we to ask someone out?



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03 Apr 2021, 2:47 am

Jakki wrote:
Looolz ... Urkel ........ that’s what we need .
He did have a hot woman who was into him because he was a nerd despite the fact he was activly chasing someone else. Urkel is a perfect person for a frustrated lonely guy to get dating advice from :lol:


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03 Apr 2021, 4:01 am

Fnord wrote:
Jakki wrote:
Had forgotten such a thing exists, is it more of a Eastern type thing?
An offshoot of European traditions, melded with Western psychology practices ... they gained some popularity in the 50s and 60s, but do not seem to be around much any more.

Maybe it is time to revive the practice?  After the covid crisis is over, of course.

Treat each individual the same way as a job applicant, including what type of person they are looking for, see if a mutual match can be found, and then make a discrete and private introduction.


This actually makes more sense to me.

The current random ad hoc system driven by hormones and short term changes in brain chemistry is illogical and an inefficient strategy for finding a long term partner for whatever reason they are needed. I would cite the number of failed relationships and divorce rate as supporting evidence for this.

When we move away from the biological drive to have sex that is hard wired into us and into 'relationships' then we are looking at something of an artificial construct - it would make sense to have some kind of system to make this as successful as possible.

Relying on luck doesn't seem like a good strategy.


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