Majority of autistuc men dont have a girlfriend?

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TwilightPrincess
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17 Jul 2024, 4:32 am

cyberdad wrote:
TwilightPrincess wrote:
society places too great of an emphasis on sex which leads to a lot of misconceptions and myths. In my opinion, those misconceptions and myths cause more problems than merely being horny and single for an extended period of time does. Sure, sex is often enjoyable with someone else, but it’s not a need that can only be satisfied by another person most of the time.


Our bodies are designed like lightning rods for sexual contact. It's not just the "act" but also the electric feeling of being physical whether it be holding hands, stroking each other or rubbing each other. People can enjoy each others bodies for hours or even days without orgasm. So it's not just societal, our bodies push us biologically to be vessels for DNA exchange.

I never claimed that the longing for physical intimacy was “just societal.”


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17 Jul 2024, 5:17 am

I'm seeing posts about asking a woman out on a date that are very "all-or-nothing," in the sense that what is being envisioned is going up to a stranger and just asking her out, which I don't think is the easiest thing to do, for anyone, and is likely to lead to rejection because it's too sudden and too much is riding on the one ask. In my experience, that has never happened, that someone just asked me out all of a sudden out of the blue. It's always been more gradual, and leading to a suggestion that maybe we could get together sometime, or that we might cross paths again. Something less fraught.

As far as sex, I think it's primarily an opportunity to feel close and maintain closeness with a partner and not just or even primarily a means to physical pleasure.



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17 Jul 2024, 5:42 am

TwilightPrincess wrote:
I never claimed that the longing for physical intimacy was “just societal.”


Yep, it isn't.



cyberdad
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17 Jul 2024, 5:44 am

bee33 wrote:
I In my experience, that has never happened, that someone just asked me out all of a sudden out of the blue. It's always been more gradual, and leading to a suggestion that maybe we could get together sometime, or that we might cross paths again. Something less fraught.


I have long suggested that men make friends first rather than advertise romantic interest. the downside is (of course) is that you might be friendzoned for years by not stating your intentions.



bee33
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17 Jul 2024, 6:06 am

cyberdad wrote:
bee33 wrote:
I In my experience, that has never happened, that someone just asked me out all of a sudden out of the blue. It's always been more gradual, and leading to a suggestion that maybe we could get together sometime, or that we might cross paths again. Something less fraught.


I have long suggested that men make friends first rather than advertise romantic interest. the downside is (of course) is that you might be friendzoned for years by not stating your intentions.

I'm not saying exactly that. One can show romantic interest, for instance by engaging someone in a one on one conversation and asking questions that show personal (non-creepy) interest (for instance asking about what they like, even just movies or books, or asking about their aspirations) or paying a polite compliment. Something that suggests interest but maintains deniability if it's not reciprocated. I realize this is a subtle dance that may be outside the skillset of many young men, especially those on the spectrum.



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17 Jul 2024, 6:08 am

Yeah, it doesn’t have to take a lot of time to get to know someone well enough to ask them out. I just do not like being asked out by complete strangers, not that that’s really happened in a while or often. It made me super uncomfortable when it did because it’s impossible to know what a stranger’s intentions are or if we’re even remotely compatible.


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17 Jul 2024, 7:17 am

SkinnyElephant wrote:
BTDT wrote:
Relationships are often initiated by non verbal communication.
Someone who is autistic may not relalize that a potential partner is signalling them non-verbally and thus ignores the overtures that person is making.


This. 100%. I'm convinced I've missed lots of opportunities because of this.

The reverse is also true. It's easy for those of us on the spectrum to mistake niceness for interest (I'm guilty of that). After humiliating myself (by mistaking niceness for interest) one time too many, I started overcorrecting in the opposite direction (to where I now think a woman is "only being nice" even during instances where she's probably truly into me).

Should I ask a woman out if I think she's into me? Conventional advice would say yeah. But I can't take even one more humiliation. It's too risky to ask her out unless I'm 120% sure she's into me.

Telling the difference between niceness and interest can even be a struggle for neurotypicals sometimes (but is way more of a struggle for those of us with ASD).


I have been in the same boat until 2018, until I met a Russian girl on Facebook. I have been in Moscow twice with her, once in Nizhni Novgorod in Russia, and in Minsk in Belarus.

Besides that, I also have the problem with dishonest people. They talk different from what they think. I often found that out much later, noticing they were lying to me and deceiving me. It is not just about women that play tricks with me, also men (but I am just less depedent from men). Whether it is about romantic interest, or at the workplace. People are hiding something for me, and playing nice. Sooner or later I found out that they are not that nice.



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17 Jul 2024, 7:32 am

BillyTree wrote:
Women don't usually ask men out or make other moves that put them in the situation to risk rejection. I don't think risk of rejection and the hurt involved is something women reflect on. They are more corncerned about the possibility that they will have to handle unwanted interest from a man.


In the Netherlands it is not very appropriate to approach a woman that doesn't know you. It is okay the other way around: a woman approaching a man. You can easily come across as a creep. She may get anxious and wonder what that man wants from her.

If I was rejected, it wasn't just rejection. The atmosphere can get nasty as well. It happened a few times that she turned her friends against me. I had to avoid every friend she had, both male and female. They started blabbing about me behind my back, and became bullies. This also happened in other settings, not just in a romantic setting.



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17 Jul 2024, 8:37 am

cyberdad wrote:
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I used hookup websites in college to circumvent my social phobia. And then at my current age (with a full time job), I no longer have time to spend countless hours on hookup websites, so I pay for my sex.

Elliot likely could have had success if he went the hookup website or paid route (and coming from a wealthy family, he certainly had the money for the paid route). If I recall, however, he said he shouldn't have to pay.

I'm not sure why he didn't look into hookup websites though.


Yes I don't think the hookup scene is very fruitful as males outnumber females on apps so it would be a heavy investment in time. I am really glad you have found an outlet (paying for sex) just make sure you practice safe sex. Is it legal in your area? I am a proponent of young men being able to get government subsidies to access sexual services from licenced sex therapists. If the latter was legalised it would probably lower crime rates in young men and reduce unemployment for women.

Yes, good question about Elliot. My best guess is he was worried what his parents/friends would think. In my 20s I contemplated paying for it too (brothels are legal in Australia) but I grew up with christian judgemental parents and I worried about being seen and my parents finding out. Rather silly actually as I now know they probably wouldn't have cared.


No, prostitution isn't legal where I live. In a way, having it outlawed has its perks. The prices at Nevada brothels (the one state where it's legal) are through the roof. Having it outlawed in my state keeps the prices down.

I'm on board with your idea to use taxpayer funds for sex. I don't think we should make this program available for just anyone; only those who meet certain criteria: Severe physical handicaps, as well as more invisible handicaps that prevent one from finding a partner (in my case, and Elliot's case, a crippling social phobia that results in being unable to ask anyone out).

You touch upon a brilliant point when you say this proposed program would utilize sex therapists. This program wouldn't just be about sex; it would be about therapy too. Anyone who doesn't have a severe physical handicap, yet has a hard time getting a partner, has deeper issues (thus the need for the therapy aspect).

To rebut the point I know some will make about sex not being a need: I know sex isn't a need in the same sense that food is. Nonetheless, sex can be pretty important, especially to a guy in his sexual prime (like Elliot Rodger)



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17 Jul 2024, 8:39 am

cyberdad wrote:
IsabellaLinton wrote:
I still wear band T-shirts.


I wear -shirts with NY and LA as well as caps with baseball teams I don't even know about :lol:


On another post, you mentioned you're an Aussie.

A now defunct band from Brisbane that I listened to would wear a lot of American sports attire. From the sounds of it (if you also wear American sports attire), our sports attire must be common down in Oz for some reason.



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17 Jul 2024, 8:43 am

TwilightPrincess wrote:
cyberdad wrote:
SkinnyElephant wrote:
I used hookup websites in college to circumvent my social phobia. And then at my current age (with a full time job), I no longer have time to spend countless hours on hookup websites, so I pay for my sex.

Elliot likely could have had success if he went the hookup website or paid route (and coming from a wealthy family, he certainly had the money for the paid route). If I recall, however, he said he shouldn't have to pay.

I'm not sure why he didn't look into hookup websites though.

I am a proponent of young men being able to get government subsidies to access sexual services from licenced sex therapists. If the latter was legalised it would probably lower crime rates in young men and reduce unemployment for women.

I’m not.

Would those services only be available for young men? Unlike women, are men incapable of masturbating?

It seems like it should be extremely low down a country’s list of priorities, especially considering the fact that many countries aren’t providing adequate education or healthcare. Even if they were, I wouldn’t be for it. It would be kind of cool if vibrators and such were covered by health insurance. JK…mostly.


As another poster mentioned, a man playing with himself isn't the same as partnered intercourse.

To build upon your vibrator comment, here's an interesting observation I've made: On various online communities, many a woman will say/insinuate they prefer a vibrator over a partner. On the other hand, most men will say they prefer a partner.

This might explain why, when these type of discussions happen, it's typically female posters who don't see why sex is so important.



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17 Jul 2024, 8:46 am

TwilightPrincess wrote:
Sex isn’t a need, so I still think it would be a huge waste of resources, especially when there are so many more important things for a government to spend money on. Therapy is needed for mental health disorders, but people are usually capable of touching themselves.


What if one's mental health disorders are intertwined with why they're incapable of finding a partner?

Might as well kill 2 birds with 1 stone, thus the idea to mix the sex program with therapy.



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17 Jul 2024, 8:58 am

As I said before, I just don’t think it should be a priority. In my opinion, it wouldn’t be a good use of government resources. I’m saying this as someone who’s always had a high sex drive apart from my years spent in a sexually abusive relationship. I just never believed that it was someone else’s responsibility.


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17 Jul 2024, 9:02 am

TwilightPrincess wrote:
crisv wrote:
TwilightPrincess wrote:
Sex isn’t a need

For men, sex is the vehicle to receive confirmations about the partner's love, to affirm their power, and a lot more. It can look primitive but it shouldn't be just dismissed. Sex with other people is a "relationship" thing.

Masturbation is something else. It's a personal pleasure. It's not so different from having a long shower, smoking a cigarette or eating chocolate.

I don't think that sex should always be linked to love. To me it could be just fun, but I can't imagine to play a game where I am the only one that has fun. So, I can't imagine to pay a professional or a therapist to have sex. It's been a while since the last time. I miss it. I miss the person, not the act.

I wasn’t dismissing it. When I said that it wasn’t a need, I meant that it’s not a necessity because it isn’t. We can live without sex although we may not want to. Sometimes folks claim they “have needs” in an entitled sort of way to coerce their unwilling partner into having sex, so I think it’s an important thing to talk about.


Which is all the more reason to support prostitution. Prostitutes provide an outlet where men can get sex without coercing an unwilling partner.

Prostitution is the world's oldest profession for a reason. No matter what anyone's opinion on prostitution is, prostitution isn't going anywhere.



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17 Jul 2024, 9:03 am

SkinnyElephant wrote:


To build upon your vibrator comment, here's an interesting observation I've made: On various online communities, many a woman will say/insinuate they prefer a vibrator over a partner. On the other hand, most men will say they prefer a partner.



I don't have a vibrator and I don't want one. Real penises don't vibrate so I don't think the sensation is remotely interesting or helpful as a replacement for sex.

Regardless, I don't think sex therapy is required by most people. We can figure things out for ourselves and in most cases, pay someone privately (e.g., sex workers). Otherwise all sorts of people will be acting out mental health disorders to get a w*k covered by tax payers.


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17 Jul 2024, 9:08 am

IsabellaLinton wrote:
Most women don't think every man is going to abuse them, either. TP already explained that it's an involuntary trauma response associated with flashbacks. That could be from abuse women experienced themselves, or stories they've heard about other women being assaulted. It's impossible to tell who's who with abusers anyway. I don't think most women set out with a conscious decision to be fearful or avoidant of men walking innocently down the street, but that reflex can happen regardless.

I wouldn't like it if men had involuntary reflexes to avoid / fear me, just because of "some other woman" in their past or their friends' past. In that respect I get what you're all saying here. It hurts to think people fear us for whatever reason. It hurts to think we might cause people anxiety or flashbacks or just plain-old insecurity.

It's important for people to have empathy both ways and that's why I think this conversation has, for the most part, been quite constructive. It's a shame the OP hasn't contributed his own thoughts, though.


Sometimes the thought of asking a woman out gives me flashbacks to high school and college (even though college was more than a decade ago, and I started high school nearly two decades ago).

Obviously I realize the humiliation of getting rejected isn't the same as getting physically abused by a partner. As I said on a previous post though, I'd rather die than go through even one more rejection-related humiliation. I refuse to ever put myself in the position to be humiliated like I was in high school or college ever again.