I think, for guys, it's not about just being nice. It's finding that elusive combination of nice but confident.
Fact is, a lot of women are drawn to as*holes simply because they act manly and don't care as much about what other people think. If a woman had to choose between a guy who was a bit of a dick but still very masculine and sexy and the one who was sweet, gentle and a bit shy, I can assure you women will, nine times out of ten, pick the dick over the sweet guy. It's not a morality question or whether a woman is shallow -- it's a biological concern, especially for highly attractive women. It's not exactly a big surprise that highly attractive women like Gisele Bundchen date men like Tom Brady. She's got the pick of any man she wants, and he's one of the most marketable males in America (football star, rich, movie-star looks). Maybe Brady's a dick, maybe not. I doubt, however, she's dating him because of his rich knowledge of Brazil or his ability to appreciate Tom Ford's design work.
The biggest mistake guys make is that we place too much value on socially prescribed norms when it comes to women and not enough on what, on the most basic level, what drives us to pursue women: evolution and biology. We overthink the value of certain things and not enough about others. We might be in 2009 and consider ourselves as civilized (yeah right) but the same biological impulses that drove us 10,000 years ago still exist today. We've just dressed them up in rules, etiquette and fancier cars, but the same biological instincts drive us.
Here's the way I see it: the universe is largely indifferent when it comes to questions of morality in actions. Morality is a human concept that enables us to act in a socially acceptable/unacceptable way. But when it comes to nature, morality doesn't play into it. Things happen for a wide variety of reasons, whether it be purely random events (which is what a lot of life is anyway) or the act of natural selection. It's cold and detached, but it's the truth.
So when it comes to dating, you have to look at it through the lense of indifference. In other words, you can't expect a woman to accept you simply on the basis of how Good a person you are. The cold, bottom line is: how can you assist her in reaching her evolutionary goals? Being kind and Good is an asset, sure, but it doesn't mean you're going to give her what she needs.
And what are those goals? Well, based on my past relationships and my female friends' opinions, women generally seem to be attracted to guys who are confident in their abilities of all kinds (not just financially or physically), protective sometimes but not to the point of overbearing, capable of good conversation and making them laugh. Women want security in men, although not in the strictly financial sense. They want to know the guy they're dating/having sex with is giving her peace of mind that he's "got it together."
Notice how none of this has to do with how you look, but rather how you carry yourself. This is one of the great strengths of women over men; while us guys, rather simplistically I might add, place an undue amount of emphasis on women's looks in mate selection (hey, makes sense in an evolutionary context but not in 2009), women seem to get, on a very instinctual level, how vital it is for a prospective mate to offer her something more than just a fabulous six-pack or how much a guy resembles Brad Pitt or Channing Tatum. Sure, looks do matter to women, but nowhere near as much as they do for us dudes. Ah, nature's indifference rules again.
I think a lot of men get particularly frustrated now more than ever simply because guys have become very confused about their social role and how to reconcile their deep-seeded urges with what society has come to expect of straight male behaviour. If you're too far to one end of the spectrum by acting like an as*hole and thinking entirely as a Human Animal, you'll likely get a lot of sex but not much in terms of commitment or love (and men do value this more than women think) and the Law of Diminishing Returns takes over the older and older you get. But if you act over-socialized and insecure about your manhood, thinking too much with the head up top instead of below, you'll get more and more frustrated at the "mean girls" out there who abuse your kindness and say things like "you're such a nice guy" but would never in a million years sleep with you.
A woman does not want to sleep with or have sex with a man who reminds her of other women.
If you can find, as a man, the ability to balance your kind hearted nature with masculine confidence, women respond to that very, very well. Balancing your inner Nice Guy with not fearing your capacity for being manly is, from what my female friends say, very hot to them.
05 Feb 2009, 12:42 am
