I don't want to date poor people

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the upside of being a hermit, is i never have to worry about any of my little spermies causing costly mischief.

I think we are leaving out some practical reasons that a woman would look for a man who is able to provide and support her. I recently was talking to a guy who seemed fairly compatible with me otherwise, but his financial situation was a big problem for me. It's not because I'm not educated or can't take care of myself, it is due in a large part because I have a child and I want to have more children, and also in a large part because at this point in my life it does tell me something about how responsible the person is and if they take care of their money (which, let's face it... we kinda need in this current world for practical purposes). If we get married, I'm not saying our money becomes communal but it's certainly going to impact the communal living situation. This guy I was talking to about this recently had a huge issue with this... saying I shouldn't look at money at all, I should just look at his character, etc. There was a time where I probably would have agreed with that. But I've since learned that not everybody thinks about money the way I do and some people are horribly irresponsible with it. If I get involved with a guy like that, I (and my son) suffer the consequences. If you're my age, have no source of income, and huge debt... in order to even consider relying on somebody like that I'd really have to have a good explanation how they got that way, why they haven't remedied the situation, and what they are doing to fix it (other than trying to get involved with someone like me, who doesn't have financial problems).

This is not about class, or education. I am college educated, I support myself, I have a good job, and I'm not in debt (though I'm certainly not rich). I don't "need" a guy to support me, but if I get married, I want him to be able (and willing) to support me and the family. Part of the reason is, despite my education, job, etc, I think it's really important for parents to devote time and energy to raising their children themselves. Yes, it's very common these days for both parents to work, the child is in daycare, then school, then other activities, sometimes they spend very little time together. Sometimes, I realize, both parents are bad enough off financially that they have no alternative but to both work. However, if I marry someone who for instance has the ability to make as much money as I am currently making, we should both be able to live on it and our children, with some sacrifices. To me, the sacrifice of not having a brand new car or whatever is worth being able to raise your children yourself and have what I consider to be a proper family. It kills me that I have to put my son in daycare now, because as a single parent I don't have an option of not working. The hand that rocks your child's cradle rules the world. From a man's perspective, most men are not in this situation, and are not considering this potential situation, because very few men expect to get married and then stay home with the kids while their wife works. So if a man's financial situation is good, the woman's financial situation doesn't matter that much to him (aside from the fact the guy probably hopes she won't spend all his money.. unless he has plenty, then he probably really doesn't care). Don't think I'm all about gender stereotypes. In my family growing up my father was the one with us kids and my mother worked outside the home. But personally, I want to be the one devoting my time to my kids once I'm married, I'm not all about having a career. Being a mother is much more important to me. I know this is not the case with all women but it IS a factor with many of them who mourn the loss of traditional expectations. I have absolutely also had guys say to me that they are looking for a woman who will work and pay her own way. And a lot of women want to do that too, or they want the things that the extra money can buy.

So onto another factor. If I meet a guy in his 30's who I'm looking at as a potential partner, and he's thousands of dollars in debt, doesn't have a job, it's a warning flag. I have a lot more respect for someone working a "low class" job and taking care of his family, working hard and doing what he can, than somebody who relies on other people to support him and can't hang on to his money. In interest of disclosure, when I was married before, my husband professed to want to work and support the family, but he never got a job, the money he did get I never saw nor was it contributed to family expenses, and on top of it he spent all the money I had and all our savings, routinely overdrawing our accounts. I should've known in retrospect that part of the reason he didn't have it when I met him was because he was apparently incapable of keeping a job or saving money without spending it constantly, and willing to rely on and use others, as opposed to all the "reasonable" excuses that he didn't have a job or any money at the time. At that time of course we were both younger, he was a student, and I didn't envision things panning out that way. Not only that but it was a HUGE source of friction between us that I had money and he didn't (despite the fact that he didn't make much effort to remedy that situation). He was very hung up about money and made me realize that not everybody sees it as I do, and also to some extent made me change the way I look at the situation and at people who don't make any effort to save. There are people (like me) who will do what they can to be independent and support themselves, even if it's menial work. I did work my way through college, and I didn't take out loans. I knew other students at the time who needed money but considered the available options of janitorial or cafeteria work "beneath" them. I didn't, and I made what I needed to get by. I find it ironic that many people who can't get a job only "can't" because they consider the jobs that are available to be beneath them, yet they are living off other people or on borrowed money. There's always something you can do (and I'm not talking about illegal things either).

So yes, I don't think its unreasonable to expect someone to be financially stable, and I don't think it's unreasonable for a woman to look for a man who is able and willing to support her (particularly if she has/wants kids). Money is fleeting, but If I marry someone who has a good history in that way, and he loses his job tomorrow, I want to be able to feel that he will find a way to get another one quickly and do what's necessary to take care of his family, not sit around leaching needed money and racking up debt or floundering.

Let's skip all those over-analysis and interpretations.

Bottom-line: Money is an important male trait in the dating world.


/Thread.

My mistake.

What I am saying is innacurate. How foolish, women, at least American women can be very pragmatic.
Much of what I am saying is based on demography. It may not be something that is happening consciously, in fact it is happening sub-consciously. This is a demographic effect which is happening on a societal level in the united states. Its not that women are consciously this calculating, its more that the way people is choosing partners are driving these results. Everybody has dating criteria, both men and women. The difference is there is a shift in cultural attitudes on a whole which is driving towards certian results. Much of it is not intentional on the base of any one individual. It is something that is happening on a societal level for a variety of reasons, some of which are cultural some of which are demographic.

For people who say "people are not so calculating" well a person often isn't in a relationship. But how society often reacts often is.

People often have significant disadvantages or advantages based on a number of factors, including advantages and disadvantages in finding partners. Through these advantages and disadvantages they are often directed towards certian results that are often predictible. The results may not be predictible or easily discernible on an individual level. It is when you look at the results of a group do you begin to see the results of society. This is social science. Instead of extrapolating information from an individual which is what most people do, you look at trends from society. For example a person with a college education is less likely to be unemployed, unemployment is 5% for people with bachelors degrees, and 20% for people without such degrees. Analyzing marriage and relationships works the same way, including what is influencing both men and women within certian demographic groups, as well as driving forces.

I am not saying people are calculating, but when you begin to analyze group behavior the group does actually have certian results and common drivers, this is at the core of social science, studying such driving forces. Studying one groups motivation versus anothers based on demographic aspects of said group. When it gets down to it is people are selective and what to date somebody they connect with and is similiar to themselves. They want somebody who shares interests and goals in life. Those very subjective criteria can when looked on a societal level can be measured objectively. Even when people are not conscious of certian things on an individual level certian things still occur.

I would want to date a peer. Some one intelligent and self sufficient. that doesn't mean educated or rich. It would stop me from meeting people who were poor or uneducated.

I think it's reasonable to have an idea of what you're looking for it, but to be flexible and willing to see past material things if someone sparks an interest in you.

Money can't buy love.