Yes.
I thought she was different... I saw in her the hedonistic side everyone does, but I also saw a genuine, caring, sensitive person that had more depth than most of them. She made it so much easier for me... I thought she understood. I explained I didn't want to just jump into a sexual relationship, she said she understood. She said it wasn't a problem. And I was happy.
And then she broke up with me. I thought it was rather out of the blue... she kept apologizing. I told her not to worry... I didn't understand, but I wanted to try and make things better. Then, gradually, over time... I suspected things. I saw her around with a man who was both a friend and a workmate... When I broached my suspicions to my best friend, he told me they'd been openly going out for weeks. Everyone assumed I knew, or didn't want to be the one to tell me.
I have never been so close to snapping and trying to kill someone since I was in primary school. He and her had been tentatively linked before I started going out with her, but he assured me when I started dating her that I had nothing to worry about, explicitly told me there was nothing. I stewed on this for months. I didn't want to raise it with them, but the two of them drove me nuts. They were so openly together in front of me... they'd come to the place where he and I work and play around, going as far as to nearly be openly discussing their sex. And the worst bit was they did it unashamedly - as though I wasn't there, as though everyone should be happy for them.
Recently I talked with them individually. I found out a number of things... I'd blamed him for it, but it was her who initiated it, and worst, while I was still with her. She openly told me it was because I didn't want to have sex...
I feel like such a fool. I thought she was something she was not, I'd tried to bring out what I saw as the better aspects of her - to help her be more than the 'normal people' who think of a relationship as the person you're having sex with until you get bored of them... and now everyone who knows us knows she left me for this man's bed. It makes me sick.
He acted like the whole thing could be brushed off by apologizing. I was pleased with how I did in that conversation - I told him a few things I thought of him (not openly insulting) that I'd found frustrating as long as I'd known him. He said that I only saw one aspect of him, and while that's true, doesn't change anything. He showed that he clearly didn't get where I was coming from... but I couldn't bring myself to unleash the rant I'd been working on for months. I told him I accepted it.
And despite everything, I still care about her. I think of him as the lowest kind of scum... even despite the knowledge that it was her doing. I still think that good side of her is there, and I miss it... and I want to do something to help bring it out, but looking at what happened last time I tried...
/rant off
Apologies for the very long post, I needed to get that off my chest.
12 Apr 2007, 4:23 pm
