Red flags in dating? Early stages

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They have created a shrine to their ex.

If they talk too much about their ex.

I've met up once with a girl on a first 'date' and literally all she talked about was her ex, Mustapha if I recall right is his name, who dumped her.

I've learned how her Mustapha looks like.
Mustapha's full name .
Mustapha's father name.
What Mustapha works
Mustapha's political orientation.
How many siblings Mustapha has.
How tall Mustapha is.
Mustapha personality's pros and cons.
Even the dessert we ordered...turned out to be Mustapha's favorite too!

(I am glad she didn't talk about his penis though).

Later I told her I felt like I was dating Mustapha instead. O this ended it well as planned.

After reading this I can only imagine the Lion King scene: scar on the cliff saying "Long live the King"

Edit: omg shoot I misread his name apparently

^ Actually it reminded me of this old Egyptian Arabic-French song:

Ya Mustafa, ya Mustafa....



[In French]Cherie, je t'aime Darling, I love you
[In French]Cherie, je t'adore Darling, I adore you
[In Italian]Como la salsa del pomodoro Like tomato sauce

[In French]Cherie, je t'aime Darling, I love you
[In French]Cherie, je t'adore Darling, I adore you
[In Italian]Como la salsa del pomodoro Like tomato sauce

[In Arabic]Ya Mustafa, Ya Mustafa, Oh Mustafa, Oh Mustafa,
[In Arabic]Ana bahebbak, ya Mustafa I love you, Mustafa
[In Arabic]Sabaa Senin Fel Attarine Seven years in the Atarin neighborhood [in Alexandria]
[In Arabic]Delwa'aty geina Chez Maxim Now we're back at Maxim's place

[In Arabic]Taala Ya Mustafa, ya ibn El Sarhan Come Mustafa, you're the son of El Sarhan
[In Arabic]Dil taamira agami we lef al giran These drugs are fresh and go to the neighbor
[In Arabic]W amma yigi keifo keifo And when he gets high [from the drugs]
[In Arabic]Yeshra ala keifo keifo He can take drugs as he likes

[In Arabic]Ya Mustafa, Ya Mustafa, Oh Mustafa, Oh Mustafa,
[In Arabic]Ana bahebbak, ya Mustafa I love you, Mustafa
[In Arabic]Sabaa Senin Fel Attarine Seven years in the Atarin neighborhood [in Alexandria]
[In Arabic]Delwa'aty geina Chez Maxim Now we're back at Maxim's place

[In French]Quand je t'ai vu sur la balcon When I saw you on the balcony
[In French]Tu m'as dit monte et ne fait pas d' façon. You told me to come up and not in such a manner
[In French]Quand je t'ai vu sur la balcon When I saw you on the balcony
[In French]Tu m'as dit monte et ne fait pas d' façon. You told me to come up and not in such a manner

[In French]Cherie, je t'aime Darling, I love you
[In French]Cherie, je t'adore Darling, I adore you
[In Italian]Como la salsa del pomodoro Like tomato sauce

[In French]Cherie, je t'aime Darling, I love you
[In French]Cherie, je t'adore Darling, I adore you
[In Italian]Como la salsa del pomodoro Like tomato sauce

[In Arabic]Ya Mustafa, Ya Mustafa, Oh Mustafa, Oh Mustafa,
[In Arabic]Ana bahebbak, ya Mustafa I love you, Mustafa
[In Arabic]Sabaa Senin Fel Attarine Seven years in the Atarin neighborhood [in Alexandria]
[In Arabic]Delwa'aty geina Chez Maxim Now we're back at Maxim's place

[In French]Tu m'as allumé avec une allumette You set me on fire with a match
[In French]Et tu m'as fait perdre la à tête And you made me lose my head
[In French]Tu m'as allumé avec une allumette You set me on fire with a match
[In French]Et tu m'as fait perdre la à tête And you made me lose my head

[In French]Cherie, je t'aime Darling, I love you
[In French]Cherie, je t'adore Darling, I adore you
[In Italian]Como la salsa del pomodoro Like tomato sauce

[In French]Cherie, je t'aime Darling, I love you
[In French]Cherie, je t'adore Darling, I adore you
[In Italian]Como la salsa del pomodoro Like tomato sauce

[In Arabic]Ya Mustafa, Ya Mustafa, Oh Mustafa, Oh Mustafa,
[In Arabic]Ana bahebbak, ya Mustafa I love you, Mustafa
[In Arabic]Sabaa Senin Fel Attarine Seven years in the Atarin neighborhood [in Alexandria]
[In Arabic]Delwa'aty geina Chez Maxim Now we're back at Maxim's place

C'est super ça! J'aime bien!

^ That was Egypt in the old good days.

A girl who strongly believes that love in relationships is an illusion that lasts at max 2 years, and the only reason for relationships is having a kid.....

...that's a Red flag, no?

Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 18 Jan 2017, 5:42 am, edited 1 time in total.

If you don't like kids or flings it is.

The kid thing is something I may have to compromise (to one kid) if I want a long term relationship (Let's face it, 90+% want having kids) - it's her view on relationship which is more worrying, she wasn't referring to flings but rather love within a long term relationship.

Anyway...why am I even worrying, she's unlikely interested.

Yes. She's looking for alimony... 2 years max : just enough to pop out a baby. Then she's got you for 18 years (cue the song "I ain't saying she's ain't gold digger")

I think there's a missing cultural context here, divorce here isn't quite.... socially prideful and taken slightly, it is a last resort thing, what she actually meant that most marriages are in reality loveless beyond two years and are maintained for the sake of children only; which of course...isn't a better scenario than divorce/alimony.

I won't be compromising on that. I have zero interest in children nor the enormous responsibility it takes to raise them, let alone raise them well. No thanks.

What she's saying about love is that it fizzles out after two years, or that a relationship is only of value for two years, which in my books is a fling. People into serious relationships aren't looking for an out after a measly two years.

Nope she was talking in the context of love within the marriage and culture here, my post wasn't very clear.

Or do you really mean that those 2-starting years period is simply a temp fling within the marriage? if so, yeah, you are right.

Here would be another red flag:

The guy has your life set out for you. eg. You will quit your job when you have your baby and return to work when the kid starts kindergarten unless you have more kids before then and then you return to work when the youngest reaches kindergarten.

My mom's ex fiance had this set out for my mother and she wanted to make her own choices but he had his own idea on how a woman should live. That came off as controlling for me and I think my mom dodged a bullet when she broke off her engagement with him. He did lot of other stuff that seemed controlling and also he didn't care if he made her uncomfortable so he kept on doing what he kept on doing on his motorcycle so my mom quit riding it with him. Another red flag. And she told me he was not gentle with her and wouldn't listen to her when she would tell him he was hurting her, another red flag. But yet my mom will say how he was a nice guy and how she loved him but he wasn't right for her but I can just tell from her stories he wasn't really a great person and didn't seem like a nice guy no matter how much she tries to say how nice he was. You don't need to bad talk someone for them to know what kind of people they really are because they will know for themselves just by what you tell them about how that person treated you.

Wanna read a good book?! "The Little Black Book of Big Red Flags" by Burton, Fishman, and McCrary

How to identify a sociopath

I just finished it today though I didn't agree with all of it that are red flags so I saw it as about finding someone who is compatible. Someone who sucks in bed, I don't really see that as a red flag, I just see it as if you want a partner who is sexually active and doesn't find it a chore or exhausting, they are not someone you would want to be with for a relationship or else you will have really boring sex or the partner will dread having it while trying to please you in it and the sex won't be fun.

Also I thought the book could also be talking about people with mental disorders but I wouldn't want to date someone who is crazy or have too many problems where they are emotionally unstable or dysfunctional I have to be their mommy or caregiver and be a martyr basically or even their therapist. Also I wouldn't want to date someone who acts narcissist or manipulative or controlling. it doesn't matter that diagnoses they have.