Aspires and NT relationship issues

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That's how I feel.

But I can understand how it can be misinterpreted as lack of interest.

I find it difficult to get the balance. As I said before I don't want to be that annoying friend who communicates too much, but i also don't want to be too distant.

But I don't know how to work out what that level is. How do I know someone really wants to be my friend or whether they are just being nice?

I err on the side of silence so that I don't make a mistake. I don't think anyone is really bothered by this. I don't think I am missed by anyone.

But I still wouldn't ignore someone reaching out to me. I can't really understand that. At least acknowledge that the other person made contact. I'm not saying you do that. I'm just saying I have been ignored and I didn't know if the person didn't like me or what.

No one wants to me my friend. I wish I could remember in the moment not to talk to people. Wish i didn’t need/want social interaction. Hobby hermit aspies are quite lucky

Sly and Hurtloam, is it possible you might have missed the cues of people who do want to be close to you? Or that people misinterpeted your distance for disinterest so they left themselves? If someone does not know about Asperger's, they likely will interpret things incorrectly and that can push people away. I know this has happened to my aspie friend a lot. I noticed that when people refer to my aspie friend, which happens often because of the work he did while he was in our group, often phrases like, "I don't know, haven't talked to him, he keeps to himself" seem to come up a lot, and this is from people who I would have interpreted as being his friends. So he is well respected in the workplace but socially he doesn't involve himself too much, but people would be more than accepting of him because they do respect him and like him, and he is even admired for his work. He has not capitalized on that acceptance that starts there though. He was comfortable in that technical domain, but moving to the social domain was difficult....that is precisely why I didn't notice the affects that Asperger's had on him for a long time, even though I was aware of it, until we became friends, then I saw the social struggles for the first time. To be honest, it was a shock to see him behave so differently from the confident slick genius I was used to. Still loved him regardless...talents, strengths, and vulnerabilities combined!!

Last edited by imhere on 08 Oct 2017, 2:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.

ImHere the alexythimia is a big issue with my friend. He admits most of the time he has no idea what he is feeling . . .. I think he doesn't trust his feelings and they cause him angst because he feels he always gets the emotions and feelings thing wrong. However I have always been sure he does feel very deeply the problem seem to come from how he expresses those emotions and feelings.

One thing I keep meaning to say . . . .and it is only based on my experience. . . . .but if your friend thinks he has upset you or angered you I believe he will keep away. He may find those emotions overwhelming when directed at him so will do anything to avoid them, and I think can keep away from people he cares about v much as a consequence.

My advice (for what it's worth) would be to begin a completely emotion neutral conversation with your friend and see how he responds. Maybe think of a geek question that you would have mulled over together. Send it to him saying something like "I've got this query and would really appreciate your view" and see what happens.

I have learnt to communicate like this with my friend. It is actually quite refreshing to launch straight into what I want to say rather than going through all the social niceties . . .. . So today I just sent him the outline I have for a future art project with a request for his views and then we have been chatting all day with ideas back and forth.

Anyway just a thought take care

That is what I would normally do. But in this case, he was the one who said mean things, my response to him was very kind. I told him I understood what he said and gave him all sorts of good wishes. I didn't want to react in a negative way since I didn't know if what he said actually was in tune with what he was feeling, and/or if I interpreted it in a negative way but it wasn't meant as one. I took the cautious route and remained kind despite how hurt I was, and I didn't mention how hurt I was either. So I do not know how he could interpret things as me being upset with him. I did also say that I would leave communications in his corner because I didn't know if he wanted to hear from me. I have not heard from him since. It always comes down to the same thing: if he were NT, the lack of a response is obviously a signal to leave him alone, probably forever. But considering the Asperger's, it might be that or it might be what you said. There is no way for me to know except to ask but doing so could make things worse if he doesn't want to hear from me. He's really pushed me away on several occasions since becoming "close", which seems so backwards. So I'm afraid to be the one to make contact at this point--he's really scared me away (and this is what I was trying to say to hurtloam and sly too, they may have done this in the past and not realized it). Once, a while back, he said a mean thing to me in response to me inquiring about how he felt-- "If you asked me a question I'd probably answer, but you should make sure you have something to say first". So he made me feel like his responses to me are just polite responses, but that my communications are not really desired. He says things that I interpret as so cold and heartless, and even though I try to tell myself that he might not really mean it that way, it still feels that way and hurts so much.

Also, alexithymia is not just about difficulty expressing emotion, it is about not understanding emotion experienced too. So what frightens me about that is that what if someone could be your friend for a long time but one day they realize that their feelings for you are not what they thought, and what if he one day says "yea, sorry, I never really felt highly of you in the first place...". That's an honest fear I have, and it's based off of how he's acted for a few months before our last contact. Instinct says be blunt and ask....but that has not gotten me anywhere with him.

So you know the old saying "If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, they're yours forever. If not, they were never yours in the first place."

Last edited by imhere on 08 Oct 2017, 1:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.

PS. One time during a prolonged silence, I did email him and ask directly if his silence should be interpreted as him not wanting to hear from me. His response was short but had aspie written all over it. He said Simply No. Then he listed some benign details of things he did recently, very short sentences. These were like he was saying to himself "oh, she expected to hear from me...I have nothing important to say, so let me just say something because it's expected". But then he ended with saying he needed to find a new book to read, and that he was going to tackle the <insert book here> book. That book was a book I gave him as a gift when he left our work environment. I took that as a sentimental statement, in his own way.


BUT...his last words to me were VERY rejecting and mean. And if aspies say bluntly what they feel, then I don't think he would welcome any communications from me at all. He may have just pushed me away completely, but I have not been able to accept that yet.

Ha yes I can relate to his response to your email . .. . .. . . I very much doubt if he meant those things to be mean . . .. or if he did I expect he regrets it. One thing I know in regard to my friend is his wish never to hurt people. He has made comments to me tho when I pushed him regarding feeling and emotions (in the early days of our friendship before I understood better) like "you need to ask yourself why you need to ask such stupid questions" . . .. .

I don't know what to suggest other than I hope you stop hurting soon.

@imhere,

All very good questions. Your direct questions to me on my original post is a few pages back, so I'll just give you some overall thoughts from one NT who loves an Aspie to another. In my experience, the easiest way to approach an NT/ASD relationship is to let go of your expectations, learn your Aspie friends boundaries and respect them, learn their language (how they show others that they care), appreciate small gestures, and ACCEPT WHAT THEY ARE SAYING IS TRUE.

The last one is a hard one, but it's not just with Aspie friendships. Everyone should be saying what they mean and meaning what they say anyway. But it's one of the most valuable gifts Aspies have to give in a friendship. COMPLETE HONESTY.

I once made a joke to my husband that his previous girlfriend (the girlfriend before me) was probably the hottest girl he was ever with. He replied, "yeah, probably." So I laughed and said, "so guess that makes me a close second, right?" He said, "my first girlfriend was really hot." I replied, "nice, that puts me a close third." I had a great laugh about it with him and said, "there's no man in their right mind that would tell their wife of six months she's third on the list of hottest girlfriends he's ever had." And his reply was, "that doesn't mean I don't think you're hot."

So there you have it. Over the years you just learn what they are doing FOR YOU that they are doing out of love and care. If they think small talk is unnecessary and makes them uncomfortable, but they engage in it with you...rest assured they are doing it against their nature and FOR YOU. But if you ask them, "did you miss me?" Likely answer is..."No, I didn't miss you. You said you would be back on Saturday."

I wish I had better answers for you, but constantly trying to decode your friend's behavior and "understand" him is probably not what he wants for you if he values you as a friend. I guess these are just funny stories and I don't know how much real advice I'm providing. But just telling you that it can be exhausting analyzing people's behavior when in reality just taking someone at their word is often enough.

I did tell my Aspie friend that I was just going to keep sticking around being myself and that I would always be his friend forever until he point blank told me to stop contacting him. No matter if a friend is Aspie or NT, I do believe you should hold anyone accountable to be honest at the end of the day when asked..."do you want me to stop contacting you..."

This is a really tough situation @imhere and I hope that the hurt you are feeling subsides soon. All you can do at the end of the day is take him at his word. If he regrets it later, maybe he will reach out, or maybe he will hold regret in his heart for many years. You may never know. I hope you can take comfort in the fact that he went out of his way to say benign things to you and mention your gift to him. From my experience, that was his way of saying he cares. I think that NTs seem like insatiable attention whores to Aspies...cause when we get even a LITTLE morsel of that care and attention we WANT MORE. And we assume (wrongly) that if they gave that...surely they can keep giving it...and give more to "nurture" the friendship. NOT SO...us NTs often FAIL to see HOW MUCH EFFORT it took to list benign details about their day. Then we ask too much and overload our Aspie friends and they can't take it so they just walk away because they have other stuff they have to focus on...more important stuff...like not losing their jobs or taking care of their kids, etc. They only have so much energy and NTs can be energy suckers. Aspies can feel when we are tying to "save them" or "understand them." Trust me. Just think how exhausting it would be to try and manage all these expectations from a friendship. At some point, you might walk away...not because you wanted to...but as a means of self-preservation.

Thanks guys. But it is that literal honesty that I am afraid of. His last email to me was really mean. In response to me inviting him to get together to say goodbye/good luck when he was moving on, he said things like it crossed boundaries (remember I was his superior in the work environment) and how I should think more about me and less about him, or find someone else to think about more; and some other harsh things. I took that literally as he didn't want to have communications with me anymore. But he ended with wishing me well and saying that maybe he'd visit at our old workplace sometime. grrrrrrr I have no idea what that kind of back and forth means!! !

I am thinking that he took my invite to be romantic in nature. Now, not gonna lie, I do have romantic feelings for him. But in true honesty, I did not mean my invite in that way. I really didn't. To me it was intended to be just friendly. I was not ready for a romantic relationship with him yet because I don't fully understand him yet. And I know with absolute certainty that he would not be ready for that anyway even if he did have interest or not, so I would not have gone down that route at that point in time anyway, as I wouldn't want to pressure him. But maybe it just comes down to what rdos has said many times, that aspies have acquaintances and they have romantic interests. And there is no in-between (in other words, nothing like what NTs consider close friendships). So could it be about the changing relationship from professional->friends->romantic (in his eyes) because going towards a friendship was seen as closer to romantic? So maybe what he was saying was that he was rejecting my romantic come-on (which it was not, but maybe he thought of it that way) but not my friendship. My response to him did clarify that I did not mean it the way he took it, but he did not acknowledge that. Or anything for that matter.

I have no idea. I'm so confused. And it still hurt no matter if I can make sense of it or not. Even though I didn't mean it as a come-on, it was still a rejection. How's that for over-analyzing???

@imhere I'll stop you right there. He is an Aspie, not an idiot. He KNOWS you have romantic feelings for him. It is extremely difficult for women to hide their romantic leanings towards men (speaking generally, of course, but holds true often). I'm going to be blunt here for your sake...it's time to move on. He is not sending mixed messages and this has nothing to do with ASD. You should take what he said literally. He doesn't want you to contact him anymore. The reason he ended it with a... "I'll visit around the office someday..." is that he is a caring person who doesn't want to outright hurt you but also needed to be very clear with you by saying harsh things because you aren't really getting the hint. There is no reason to be confused, it's black and white...you are making him uncomfortable. Stop contacting him.

Last edited by stilljaded on 08 Oct 2017, 4:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.

You make a good point. It was so confusing for me for a long time while we worked together, because he pushed those boundaries himself, which to him was apparently okay. But if I did, it was not okay. But you are right, I should just let it go.

Last edited by imhere on 08 Oct 2017, 5:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Aspies can like people and pretend not to.

I don't want to be right but infatuation is a STRONG drug. Makes us lose sight of reason and reality. Sometimes we need friends or random forum "friends" to slap us back into the real world. Sorry hun.

@ShyGirl7, I totally agree that they can like people and pretend not to but it's neither NTs job nor anyone really to decode what Aspies or anyone else is saying. We get in trouble when we go around guessing everyone's secret intent and meaning to everything that's said. That's dangerous territory. So everyone has a responsibility to themselves and to others to be honest. It may be extremely difficult, but I can only go on what someone says. Not on what I think they meant when they said something.

There is nothing wrong with being merely analytical if you're wondering whether an Aspie likes you.

The whole point of Neurotypicals being on this forum, it is so they can learn to decode the speech and mannerisms of Aspies, for the sake of understanding them better.