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Will I have to become what I hate?

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kraftiekortie
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07 Jan 2018, 9:15 pm

RetroGamer is a decent guy.

He was once quite overweight--but lost 100 lbs.

He sometimes thinks too much about his past, and not enough about his present.



AngelRho
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07 Jan 2018, 9:35 pm

DW_a_mom wrote:
Marknis wrote:
DW_a_mom wrote:
Marknis wrote:
It's a daily struggle to keep from snapping. I don't know how much longer it can last. I'll be 30 this year and if I don't have a girlfriend by then, I don't want to live anymore.


Marknis, it breaks my heart to see you like this. I wish I could do more. But first, I have to remind you, despite knowing you don't want to hear it:

You can't tie your ability to be happy to another person. You've surely heard this a million times. I went through all that at your age and I can tell you that it is the goal itself that is destroying you. You HAVE to be happy with and for yourself. There is no way around it, either in a relationship or alone. My husband and I were both 36 when we got married, and both of us had spent a lot of years wondering if it would ever be in the cards for us. The problem was that we both still had things we needed to learn and do as single individuals, even though we would have denied it at the time (it is something a person can only see after they've finally learned and done those things). I could not have been the partner I am to my husband if I had married him 5 years earlier than I did; it's the simple truth. We weren't ready for each other, and the relationship would have failed.

This is NOT me telling you that you are not worthy of love. You ARE worthy. But to get to D you need to go through A, B and C. What I want you to believe is that D IS out there for you when the time is right, and that your happiness right now depends on you navigating A, B and C, NOT waiting for D. One of those steps certainly is either moving from where you are, or finding enough of "your people" there to build a life within your own bubble. Moving seems like the more likely answer to me from what I've read, but that will be for you to choose.

I want you to envision a day where you could be happy without a girlfriend. Just one day. What would you be doing? Where would you be?


I would either be finally composing music or finally doing actually good drawings. I would be in Austin or atleast out of my mother's home.


My advice is to commit to your composing, and maybe add an art class to help you get to the level you would like to be at. Not only is the music something that will help your soul breath and feel centered, but the idea of a guy who can create music is incredibly romantic to women. Develop and nurture these interests and you may just get where you need to be.

Music isn't my forte so I can't help you navigate the path, but I do know that following your passion and talent is a winning proposition. You've got the "day" job, and that should keep the bills paid, so your free time can be poured into your art without worrying about the commercial side.

Once your art has helped you reach a better place in your head, start thinking about how to move to Austin.

This is what I would suggest, anyway. It strikes me as a path that can eventually lead you to many of the things you want.

Excellent advice. It’s not a personal path that I would take, but I feel like you might actually thrive in the Democratic People’s Republic of Austin.

I’m being serious, too. The brief time I got out of Mississippi and lived in New York, my distinct accent and outspoken demeanor grabbed attention I NEVER got back home.

If I could afford it, I’d be living in the Fondren district of Jackson. Never a shortage of artists and musicians to collab with.

We’re feeling strongly that our days in the Delta are coming to a close. Therefore we’re planning our exit strategy. Too many people depend on me to just abandon them, but I’ve been doing the same thing for over 10 years and feel like I’m just spinning my wheels.

The scary part is we own a house and land. So...how to go back to renting an apartment? Or sell what we have and be lucky enough to afford something elsewhere? Or take an insecure job when what we have is good and secure?

You’re stuck. Maybe not the same way we’re stuck. But we both share the risk aspect of our respective situations. I have more to lose than you do, though, so I absolutely have to use the little time I have to my advantage. You have a lot more freedom than you realize.



hale_bopp
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07 Jan 2018, 9:42 pm

Marknis wrote:
I don't want the ones who terrorized me to ever celebrate.


People won't be laughing behind your back. If they are, they have no life. Most people just come here, post, leave and forget about it. I really do think you're your own worst enemy, though. I don't understand how you expect to get anywhere without changing what you've always done.



Mirka
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08 Jan 2018, 10:13 am

I think that the point of view is created by the state of each person. So when I am depressed my mind picks up the worst from the surrounding. Eventhough nothing is either completely white or black, when depressed I see the black side only.
Depression is hard one to work against but a bad way is to work on going even deeper in by repeating how everything is bad. In that state I know I have to work against and search for the good side (no one else can do it for me, it is my point of view).

One way is to advocate and force myself to start - even in very small - but start. Whatever. Creating gets me out of there. Other thing helping me from the depression is humor. I just search on the internet for it. Sometimes I analyse myself and laugh at myself when it gets absurd (and therefore funny) and guess what, it works for me to move after and that is the final point.

People won't be laughing behind your back or at you. Why would they spent their time on such as waste? Only very weak people, who are completely scared of themself, can do it. If you ever see it, just pity them and go away, their life is very sad and you do not want to be around them.
People here just want to help you to feel better (of course, we all can have different ways of communiaction, that is why it's so complicated to understand each other).



Marknis
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08 Jan 2018, 11:08 am

Mirka wrote:
I think that the point of view is created by the state of each person. So when I am depressed my mind picks up the worst from the surrounding. Eventhough nothing is either completely white or black, when depressed I see the black side only.
Depression is hard one to work against but a bad way is to work on going even deeper in by repeating how everything is bad. In that state I know I have to work against and search for the good side (no one else can do it for me, it is my point of view).

One way is to advocate and force myself to start - even in very small - but start. Whatever. Creating gets me out of there. Other thing helping me from the depression is humor. I just search on the internet for it. Sometimes I analyse myself and laugh at myself when it gets absurd (and therefore funny) and guess what, it works for me to move after and that is the final point.

People won't be laughing behind your back or at you. Why would they spent their time on such as waste? Only very weak people, who are completely scared of themself, can do it. If you ever see it, just pity them and go away, their life is very sad and you do not want to be around them.
People here just want to help you to feel better (of course, we all can have different ways of communiaction, that is why it's so complicated to understand each other).


Yes, I've had clinical depression, particularly dysthymia, since the end of 2005 and the rough culture I live in doesn't help it at all. I've had things like football fanaticism, car worship, gun fanboying, excessive smoking as well as drinking, and pop country music gushing shoved into my psyche so much that it seems those things are all that society cares about. I occasionally come across different people but I still feel lost in the world because people like me are in the extreme minority.



Mirka
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08 Jan 2018, 12:39 pm

Marknis wrote:
I occasionally come across different people but I still feel lost in the world because people like me are in the extreme minority.


Yes that is true but they are there, that is important.
We all feel the same way, that is probably why we came to this web (to see that we are not alone). So many people here struggle with the same issues as I do, helping me with reminding how to move on.
I am slowly stopping to care about the majority and what they like (it is just boring for me) and focus on my own life and making it filled with my stuff (that is not boring for me). I also found out that no one has a perfect manual for life (eventhoug many people / even whole major society intent to give their opinions how everybody should live, but usually they just pass stereotypes). So if nobody really knows, I can do it my (really unique) way and that is the only right way for me. From other people I choose only few advisors that I respect for their opinions.

10 true steps 2 any success:
1. Try
2. Try again
3. Try to determine what is not working
4. Try to determine what is working
5. Try it little differently
6. Try to find someone who's done it
7. Try it again tomorrow
8. Try once more time
9. Just keep trying
10. Succeeded or try from step 1...

Hard work but it works. :-)



autistic123
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08 Jan 2018, 1:49 pm

It's a daily struggle to keep from snapping. I don't know how much longer it can last. I'll be 30 this year and if I don't have a girlfriend by then, I don't want to live anymore.[/quote]

Mate. That is not the way to go about things. You have to be happy first, you can expect to be happy with a girlfriend when your unhappy now. Don't look for a girlfriend, the right person will come when you least expect it. Just be happy, live your life. You have a big wide world to explore. Don't sit all day in front of a computer screen feeling sorry for youself. Live your life!! !



Marknis
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08 Jan 2018, 5:31 pm

I am almost 30 so how much longer? I hate being told this cliche because it just isn't true. I've read stories from men who have lived longer than I have and the right person never came along.



Marknis
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08 Jan 2018, 6:14 pm

DW_a_mom wrote:
Marknis wrote:
DW_a_mom wrote:
Marknis wrote:
It's a daily struggle to keep from snapping. I don't know how much longer it can last. I'll be 30 this year and if I don't have a girlfriend by then, I don't want to live anymore.


Marknis, it breaks my heart to see you like this. I wish I could do more. But first, I have to remind you, despite knowing you don't want to hear it:

You can't tie your ability to be happy to another person. You've surely heard this a million times. I went through all that at your age and I can tell you that it is the goal itself that is destroying you. You HAVE to be happy with and for yourself. There is no way around it, either in a relationship or alone. My husband and I were both 36 when we got married, and both of us had spent a lot of years wondering if it would ever be in the cards for us. The problem was that we both still had things we needed to learn and do as single individuals, even though we would have denied it at the time (it is something a person can only see after they've finally learned and done those things). I could not have been the partner I am to my husband if I had married him 5 years earlier than I did; it's the simple truth. We weren't ready for each other, and the relationship would have failed.

This is NOT me telling you that you are not worthy of love. You ARE worthy. But to get to D you need to go through A, B and C. What I want you to believe is that D IS out there for you when the time is right, and that your happiness right now depends on you navigating A, B and C, NOT waiting for D. One of those steps certainly is either moving from where you are, or finding enough of "your people" there to build a life within your own bubble. Moving seems like the more likely answer to me from what I've read, but that will be for you to choose.

I want you to envision a day where you could be happy without a girlfriend. Just one day. What would you be doing? Where would you be?


I would either be finally composing music or finally doing actually good drawings. I would be in Austin or atleast out of my mother's home.


My advice is to commit to your composing, and maybe add an art class to help you get to the level you would like to be at. Not only is the music something that will help your soul breath and feel centered, but the idea of a guy who can create music is incredibly romantic to women. Develop and nurture these interests and you may just get where you need to be.

Music isn't my forte so I can't help you navigate the path, but I do know that following your passion and talent is a winning proposition. You've got the "day" job, and that should keep the bills paid, so your free time can be poured into your art without worrying about the commercial side.

Once your art has helped you reach a better place in your head, start thinking about how to move to Austin.

This is what I would suggest, anyway. It strikes me as a path that can eventually lead you to many of the things you want.


I tried to practice my guitar last night but I couldn't fully learn the song I was trying and once again I couldn't come up with a song of my own. Something is preventing me from improving.

I tried to do an art class but the professor was a jerk and gave me a failing grade. It crushed me because I thought I had found my niche but I didn't succeed. He's still there at the college and I don't ever want to see his face again, especially after he tried to date my mother after flunking me.



DW_a_mom
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08 Jan 2018, 6:34 pm

Don't give up. Don't let other people get in the way of your goals. If route A isn't working, find route B. And you don't stop. You keep looking for new roads. You have to be more stubborn than the obstacles in your life are.

I don't know if not being able to find ones way around obstacles is an ASD thing or not, but I do know it seems to be much harder for people with ASD to do it. I've had to hand hold my husband and son through the process quite a few times, so that they learned to believe it can be done. I don't really have a great way to do that for you from here, but step one is to BELIEVE that there is another route, if only you can find it. Learn NOT TO GIVE UP. Sometimes you need a break, sometimes you need to tweak the goal, but you KEEP LOOKING until you solve it.

One day without a song idea is one day without a song idea. Engage with the world and allow the world to start inspiring you.

I often come on here when I've got a problem at work that needs to be solved but I can't see a solution anywhere. So I clear my head completely of the problem, talk about other things for a while, and the minute my eyes go back, somehow I know where a new path might be. It's how I work. You need to figure out how you work.

It is extremely difficult to make these changes while depressed. I know that. But if that is your starting point, there isn't much that can be done about it, except to find your way through it. Give yourself time. Be patient with yourself. Nothing worthwhile happens quickly. Please, just DON'T GIVE UP.


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DW_a_mom
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08 Jan 2018, 6:41 pm

Marknis wrote:
I am almost 30 so how much longer? I hate being told this cliche because it just isn't true. I've read stories from men who have lived longer than I have and the right person never came along.


That isn't something you can focus on. I can say that people my age who are still single usually can see clearly why that was actually the best choice for them, even when they didn't know it. Sometimes we choose a path without realizing it; our subconscious mind sometimes knows what we need better than our conscious mind.

This isn't about waiting. It is about LIVING. Living the life you actually have in front of you. Until you can do that, you can't be a good partner to anyone anyway. When you succeed in changing your focus you will understand what I'm talking about and, hopefully, discover that a girlfriend really is out there for you. Odds are good one is, but first you have to know how to live as you.

I feel like a broken record, but you really need to integrate the concept. You can't wait for someone else to make your life; the waiting is counterproductive to the goal. YOU have to make your life.

I've been there, remember? Been there, done that. And very glad I figured out how to just be me.


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Mom to an amazing young adult AS son, plus an also amazing non-AS daughter. Most likely part of the "Broader Autism Phenotype" (some traits).


Marknis
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09 Jan 2018, 1:54 am

DW_a_mom wrote:
Don't give up. Don't let other people get in the way of your goals. If route A isn't working, find route B. And you don't stop. You keep looking for new roads. You have to be more stubborn than the obstacles in your life are.

I don't know if not being able to find ones way around obstacles is an ASD thing or not, but I do know it seems to be much harder for people with ASD to do it. I've had to hand hold my husband and son through the process quite a few times, so that they learned to believe it can be done. I don't really have a great way to do that for you from here, but step one is to BELIEVE that there is another route, if only you can find it. Learn NOT TO GIVE UP. Sometimes you need a break, sometimes you need to tweak the goal, but you KEEP LOOKING until you solve it.

One day without a song idea is one day without a song idea. Engage with the world and allow the world to start inspiring you.

I often come on here when I've got a problem at work that needs to be solved but I can't see a solution anywhere. So I clear my head completely of the problem, talk about other things for a while, and the minute my eyes go back, somehow I know where a new path might be. It's how I work. You need to figure out how you work.

It is extremely difficult to make these changes while depressed. I know that. But if that is your starting point, there isn't much that can be done about it, except to find your way through it. Give yourself time. Be patient with yourself. Nothing worthwhile happens quickly. Please, just DON'T GIVE UP.


My mind just only sees things in life as being either you succeed at something instantly but if you don't, you fail at it forever. Tweaking goals just sounds impossible for me because of the way my mind perceives things.

DW_a_mom wrote:
Marknis wrote:
I am almost 30 so how much longer? I hate being told this cliche because it just isn't true. I've read stories from men who have lived longer than I have and the right person never came along.


That isn't something you can focus on. I can say that people my age who are still single usually can see clearly why that was actually the best choice for them, even when they didn't know it. Sometimes we choose a path without realizing it; our subconscious mind sometimes knows what we need better than our conscious mind.

This isn't about waiting. It is about LIVING. Living the life you actually have in front of you. Until you can do that, you can't be a good partner to anyone anyway. When you succeed in changing your focus you will understand what I'm talking about and, hopefully, discover that a girlfriend really is out there for you. Odds are good one is, but first you have to know how to live as you.

I feel like a broken record, but you really need to integrate the concept. You can't wait for someone else to make your life; the waiting is counterproductive to the goal. YOU have to make your life.

I've been there, remember? Been there, done that. And very glad I figured out how to just be me.


Well, I am not necessarily waiting for a girlfriend to come to me. I used to do that back when I believed in God as well as the supposed "plan" He had for me but when I turned 17 and I still didn't have a girlfriend while so many other guys around me did, I panicked and started searching like crazy. My search just keeps hitting dead ends but I can't stop because I fear I will miss out if I don't.

How can I discover that there is a girlfriend out there for me if my focus is no longer on one and I am not even looking?

kraftiekortie wrote:
RetroGamer is a decent guy.

He was once quite overweight--but lost 100 lbs.

He sometimes thinks too much about his past, and not enough about his present.


I had to message him to stop replying to my threads. His posts do not help me at all. In fact, they only encourage me to drift towards suicide.



hale_bopp
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09 Jan 2018, 5:35 am

Marknis wrote:
My mind just only sees things in life as being either you succeed at something instantly but if you don't, you fail at it forever. Tweaking goals just sounds impossible for me because of the way my mind perceives things.


You seriously need to work on this. It makes me wonder how hard you actually tried with the exercise thing, you have to do it regularly for months and eat a pretty strictly healthy diet to get good results in a short period of time. Going to the gym won’t do very much if you eat junk meals.

I have never in my life met someone so reluctant to change. You post threads I’m assuming for advice but dig your heels into the sand when you don’t want to do it.

The right person won’t just “come along”. I don’t agree with people who say that. You have to be, really in the right or an okay mental place with yourself and life, be responsible for your own life, and find multiple things that make you happy.
A girlfriend will not come to you if you keep down this path. Not many people want to date someone who moans constantly and does nothing to fix the problem. It seems to either be your family’s fault, your teachers fault, WP members fault and everyone else except yourself. Success comes with responsibility for self and gratefulness, neither if which you seem to be doing.

It would be awesome to see you change your mindset. You are capable of much more than you think.



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09 Jan 2018, 7:35 am

Carol Dweck has done some really good research and work on the Fixed mindset v's Growth mindset.

It is very interesting reading and helps to discover how to switch from the fixed to growth mindset.

This can be helpful in all aspects of life including relationships.



Marknis
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09 Jan 2018, 12:23 pm

hale_bopp wrote:
Marknis wrote:
My mind just only sees things in life as being either you succeed at something instantly but if you don't, you fail at it forever. Tweaking goals just sounds impossible for me because of the way my mind perceives things.


You seriously need to work on this. It makes me wonder how hard you actually tried with the exercise thing, you have to do it regularly for months and eat a pretty strictly healthy diet to get good results in a short period of time. Going to the gym won’t do very much if you eat junk meals.

I have never in my life met someone so reluctant to change. You post threads I’m assuming for advice but dig your heels into the sand when you don’t want to do it.

The right person won’t just “come along”. I don’t agree with people who say that. You have to be, really in the right or an okay mental place with yourself and life, be responsible for your own life, and find multiple things that make you happy.
A girlfriend will not come to you if you keep down this path. Not many people want to date someone who moans constantly and does nothing to fix the problem. It seems to either be your family’s fault, your teachers fault, WP members fault and everyone else except yourself. Success comes with responsibility for self and gratefulness, neither if which you seem to be doing.

It would be awesome to see you change your mindset. You are capable of much more than you think.


I went to a gym for many years because I had a membership that was part of a family deal. I would generally go three or four times a week. I had conflicting advice on how to do the exercises, some saying I needed to do it every day while others saying every other day. I later found out doing things like the elliptical or treadmill aren't going to do jack s**t unless you have weak joints or are elderly. Taking walks and jogging has actually felt more beneficial to me.

I know someone isn't just going to come along. The Bible Belt pushes the idea that God puts people together but it doesn't make sense to me at all. If that was true, why are there people in their 50's or higher who have never had a relationship?

Temeraire wrote:
Carol Dweck has done some really good research and work on the Fixed mindset v's Growth mindset.

It is very interesting reading and helps to discover how to switch from the fixed to growth mindset.

This can be helpful in all aspects of life including relationships.


I've always had the outlook that the mind is fixed jammed down my psyche because the Bible Belt is a sick place. I want to prove it wrong.



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09 Jan 2018, 1:29 pm

Walking is great!! If you continue with that it’s a good thing to do. Weight loss is 80% diet, and unfortunately exercise alone isn’t always enough.

Mindsets take a while to change, but it can be done.

Maybe you could think of picking up some more interests. What do they have on meetup in your area?