How do you decide if someone is right for you?

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Even if this was his first thought (which is a foolish first sight love thought) - if their marriage went well and still thriving for years then they happened to be the right one for each other. - regardless how he thought first, nope?

You're just not listening. You can't make a blanket statement about women and men in general (that women in general have more prospects than men in general) and then try to back it up by giving individual examples. Of course there are individual women who have more prospects.

Boo,

That's why I said I'm openminded in the first five minutes, but I keep asking myself if they're still the right person as our relationship evolves.

I wouldn't want to be married to someone for many years based solely on the fact he liked me for the first five minutes decades prior, or the fact he settled. I'd expect that he be assessing our communication and our suitability over and over again to affirm to himself he made the right choice, almost like renewing wedding vows but done quietly on his own.

I do the same as relationships move from step to step.

Last edited by IsabellaLinton on 21 Sep 2024, 10:25 am, edited 1 time in total.

That explains your lack of admirers then.

Just stop STARING at them, shall you.

I mostly turn people into stone who deserve it. I have a couple good candidates in mind right now…

I think whoever said that meant « he decided to give it a try to get to know her better after the first five minute » - because no way a marriage or LTR would last if the only things he liked about her are things he assessed in the first five minutes; surely there are more good things he discovered about her all down the years.

I am too blobby and squishy, you can’t stone me easily.

I wasn’t currently thinking about you but someone who is harassing me. That’s very off-topic, but I’m surprised that anyone feels comfortable with dating apps. I need to know someone well enough to feel safe with them in order to consider dating them.

I wasn't addressing that to any specific person in this thread or even on WP, but just as a general comment. Some people here and in the media have been suggesting men (especially autistic men) don't have many chances to date so they'll kind of settle for whatever or whoever they can get. I'm not an autistic man so I can't say how true that is, but I hope even if they "settle" then they're still willing to reevaluate as the relationship progresses instead of developing codependence or a fear of being alone. That's often a recipe for IPV abuse by one partner or the other.

Since it's been made clear that a woman has to "look dateable", and possess an ok personality, in order to be in the running, what then of men who don't "look dateable" and don't have an ok personality? If we're only talking about "dateable" women, then for it to be apples to apples, it should be compared to "dateable" men.

Logically speaking, if a man has a lot of trouble getting dates, then he very likely is not "dateable", according to "sensible" criteria. And if men aren't even going to bother considering women who aren't "dateable", then why should women consider dating men who aren't "dateable"?

Equally so, if we're going to claim that women who "look dateable" get more attention, while still ignoring women who don't "look dateable", as per the above sensible quotes, then maybe the reason a specific woman gets more attention than a specific man, is cos she "looks dateable" to a greater degree, or has a more "ok personality" - or both - than that specific man does.

Two words nobody seems to be considering

My bf could have done with a pair of swimming goggles and a snorkel when we first went out

Dateable means you can decipher their serial number to identify the day of manufacture.

Oh you were waiting for an operational definition? why don't you just ask.
there are various observational criteria and sliding scales on each of those criteria which amount to some type of holistic score or tipping point that equates to "I could date her". For men the criteria will slightly vary but the sliding scale probably depends on how desperate they are. i.e. the more desperate, the more flexible your criteria/score.

In Australia I was eventually finding that any woman roughly my age who would talk to me was "dateable". My criteria for dating was quite high in my teens but became less fussy over time. I was ok looking and had no problem getting dates. But when I was experiencing less attractive overweight women rejecting me as a 29 year old good looking fit man I eventually started thinking something was wrong with me. So I moved to Asia and suddenly women who were exceeding my expectations were quite literally throwing themselves at me. I wasn't greedy and eventually settled for a nice person who as a bonus was also pretty.

I mean without assuming anything about what an average woman experiences (we are told to stick to our own lived experience).

Boo's description are the experiences of an average (or the median man in the middle). Some men do get more attention than average and some might repel women due to odours, hygiene or appearing to look homeless. But to me it's common sense.

But getting attention still means making a move to get attention. As has been copiously advertised, almost all women never make the first move. But I think (for me anyway) this applied when I was dating Aussie girls. In Australia the odds (at least for me) were not stacked in my favour. I was being treated as a friend and the women who moved in my circles did (as Boo indicated) have options so were shopping around.

In asia (at least in he early 1990s) women were very different. I suspect its because I looked "western" but they would come up and talk to me. Amazingly when I made the move, I was like a fat man at a buffet. Almost all single women whom I dated were both open minded and marriage minded.

So the only caveat I would add to Boo's perspective is that it probably applies in western countries and Lebanon is close enough to Europe so women are "westernised", but this certainly wasn't my experience in Asia.

When you say “settled” do you mean you weren’t particularly in love with her at the start?

How well did you know her?

Also what did she think of you?

Not judging, just curious.