Aspires and NT relationship issues

Post Reply New Topic

Thank you for taking the time to explain the ASD mindset so that hopefully NTs can understand us better. You're doing a really good job of "telling it like it is". Frustratingly, you aren't saying anything that hasn't already been said in this thread, but I think that you are coming at this from the perspective of an NT in a relationship with an Aspie, and that's giving more validity to NT folks. I think one of the challenges we have as Aspie folks is we say things from our perspective, but NT folks tend to look for a veiled meaning in our statements when we are just saying it like it is.

I was going to totally take you on for your statement about not missing people, but than I saw that you used an example of us saying we didn't miss a person because we were expecting them at a later date, and I hate to say it but that is totally true. LOL Until you just pointed it out, I wouldn't have thought that was an Aspie thing either, hahaha. I did once tell my wife that very thing under when she came home early from something. I think she took it well, if I remember.

So, just to be clear, Aspies are capable of having extremely close relationships/friendships. I had this friend named Jason who I met when I was 14, and we both loved mountain biking. Every weekend we'd get together (he went to a different school) and go mountain biking. At that time mountain biking was my special interest and it didn't matter how much I talked about it, Jason wouldn't get tired of it. We were friends through adulthood even if we weren't in contact as often, but that was due to life circumstances, not my Aspie issues. Unfortunately, he died in a car wreck in 2010 and I miss him and think of him often. So we are capable of very deep friendships. Unfortunately, due to my poor social skills and age, it's not likely I'll ever get a friendship like that again before I die, but you never know (I guess).

As for the email you sent, I think you are absolutely right, your Aspie friend thought you had romantic ideas in mind when you emailed him. Just to speculate, it sounds like you both had romantic feelings for each other. So, let me give you some insight that will be both positive and negative at the same time.

First, he's trying to blow you off. He doesn't want a romantic relationship with you. However, he has romantic feelings for you and is tempted to express those feelings with you. But, he has made a decision to not act on those feelings and so he's trying to honestly tell you that he doesn't want to pursue a relationship with him. He knows that if you tried a "friendship", the temptation would be too much and could result in a physical relationship.

What's really interesting about this email is that he's trying to really be honest and emphatic in his response to you to make sure you get the message. But than says that maybe he'll see you in the office at some point. What's fascinating about this is I don't believe he's telling the truth here (Aspie folks can lie when we feel we need to or its important). What he's trying to do is mimic NT behavior and lie in order to minimize the blow of his previous words, and also to tell you that he does still care about you even if further contact will not take place. He doesn't go right out and say that because he's trying to use an NT method of doing this. So, with all of the preaching I always say about not reading into the words of an Aspie, in this particular case you can make an exception. Look, if it means anything, that last statement goes against his Aspie tendencies and he did it in an attempt to spare your feelings. He probably cares about you.

I'm sorry you are in a situation where you are clearly interested in an Aspie and he has similar feels for you, but he decided he didn't want to pursue things. Is he married or something? I can't remember, there's been so much going on with this thread.

No, he is not married and never was. But I am divorced. He is younger than me. Considerably. This drama just keeps getting worse, doesn't it???

I don't know about what you say about him having feelings for me. There was a point where I really believed that myself because he crossed those boundaries first, every time. Boundaries into what I would call friendship or even closer...but he also snapped me back every time I crossed those boundaries to meet him there. Like even simple things, like at first, he asked ME for my number and started texting me, then I started texting him back...later HE initiated a text conversation with me and in the middle of that conversation that HE initiated while he was out of town, and for what seemed like no reason related to the content of the conversation, he snapped at me and told me it was inappropriate for us to be texting like that outside of work!! He didn't talk to me again until he got back into town, and then he came in my office with a timid sheepish look on his face, but he acted like nothing happened...I just said "welcome home" and we started talking and went on business as usual. But he is the one who started the conversation, and he is the one who got my number from me, not the other way around. He has personal space issues and doesn't like people to get close, but on certain occasions, he would get what he would normally consider way to close to me. He did that, not me. Another time we had a very long and intimate and close conversation about some very personal things. During that conversation he told me he felt closer to me than any other person. Later he acted like "oh, I'm sorry, who are you?" Honestly I think he maybe doesn't understand the nature of changing relationships (professional->personal) and maybe he couldn't figure out what we were because there were different times when I feel he treated me like his mentor, his friend, his mother, and his lover, all at different times.

BUT....I think that stilljaded is probably right....I need to let it go. I have not contacted him in a little over 2 months, and haven't heard from him either....probably won't. Need to move on. I will miss him though, and even if I knew I'd see him on date X, I'd still miss him...lol

I think she's right too. If you decide not to have anything to do with this guy, does this mean you are gonna stop posting here to learn about the exciting (and simultaneously boring) world of Aspies?

It sounds like he is sexually-attracted to you, but not romantically-attracted to you.

That would explain the behavior.

You need to find a man that is romantically-attracted to you, too.

Also, AspieSingleDad, it sounds like you've had some considerable heartbreak in your life. I am very sorry to hear that. I do think you can find happiness again in friendship, but I understand where you are coming from when you think you are too old. I feel that way sometimes too. But I'm sure friendship and, dare I say, even love can still happen for both of us.

lol I'm not sure about that....I'm guessing I'm pretty hot....FOR MY AGE....did you catch that....FOR MY AGE. hahahahahaha. I would think that someone like him would be more inclined to be romantically attracted to me before being sexually attracted to me. heehee

I don't know. I still find Asperger's to be ingriging....if not exasperating.

Well thanks, and right back at you. And for the record, I feel compelled to say this, I'm not trying to recount these stories to be a drama king or to get free psychotherapy, it just seems like I have experiences that I can use as examples to give more meaning to what I say. I wish the stories I've told are the only ones I have, but I'm confident I'll have others (heck, I'll even sneak in a couple of good ones here and there).

It's exasperating for us too. Not only to "deal" with a world dominated by NTs, but because many of us would join the NT world if we had the opportunity. Autism is a part of us, its not something we signed up for voluntarily. Okay, so I think I'm being Captain Obvious, but there it is nonetheless.

Plus, I could easily feel totally drawn in by him again tomorrow and come wining more on here then. I'll try not to do that. For everyone's sake. I hate how I feel about this.

@ShyGirl7. I agree that the point of the forum is to gain better understanding of how we all express our feelings but "decoding" intent behind black and white language is not the same in my opinion. When anyone says "No" when they really mean "Yes" we have a problem. I can't work with that because what if I guess the intent wrong? What if I believe your Yes means No or your No means Yes but I'm wrong? At some point you have to rely on the basics of "they mean exactly what they said" or ask enough clarifying questions if you feel unsure. Humans are terrible mind readers.

Yeah - it's all about understanding.

There's nothing wrong with asking a few simple questions.

@AspieSingleDad, I recall you saying you live in Colorado. I sent you a PM, which you probably didn't notice, but I'm in Colorado too.

That's weird. I totally didn't get your PM. Or are PMs different from the messages I've been receiving? In either case, I did see you were from Colorado and I saw your avatar...and...than I saw you were married LOL. You husband is a lucky guy.

Oh girl, you got it SO BAD! Ugh, I just feel for you. You are love sick as the day is long. Helluva DRUG! Your body/hormones are betraying you.

I will also say this...I married an Aspie and I fell in love with an Aspie two years ago who I now consider one of my dearest friends. WHY you may ask? Well, I think a lot of NTs, myself included, are attracted to the "mysterious" nature of the Aspie in the natural environment. More often than not we don't know they are Aspies so we just think they are elusive and mysterious and we therefore set out to "win them over" and be that "special girl" that finally "gets him." It also makes us look for a thousand clues and hidden meanings that aren't really there. It's kind of a gross ego-driven cycle on our part. We want to be that "special one." Anyway, in my case when I finally found out he wasn't playing stupid relationship games and in fact was just being his Aspie self I had to do some real soul searching. And when I looked back at ALL the hoops I jumped through trying to get this guy's attention and make him "choose me" as the special girl that really "understood" him I felt a little silly. But that's just infatuation for you. It makes you do really insane things. Gotta laugh at yourself sometimes.

Last edited by stilljaded on 08 Oct 2017, 6:49 pm, edited 1 time in total.