Just avoiding the subject here.

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That same love/hate response to the isolation is a caffeine-addled grey area for me. As much as I regret drowning my emotions in coffee, part of me remains convinced it's the only acceptable option for others. Obviously we all have to replace these nonsense ideals about masculinity sometime but I can't do that alone.

Coffee is one of the better things this world has to offer though.
Caffeine, not so much. But still, I never drink decaf.
So I have this to think about now.

I think people who find me more agreeable are like decaf, it's the friends who challenge me who are usually the ones providing food for thought.

I'm an acquired taste. People like me take longer to warm up to anyone bar none. I'm the jar of olives left out of the metaphysical espresso martini.

I get the impression from similar ramblings of countless others here that it's nigh impossible not to slip into a depressive, antisocial funk if that's just where everyone assumed we were in the first place.

Some of us just fell victim to misinterpreted vibes.

one can't let others' vibes interfere with our own.

To be honest, the main reason I keep thread(s) going in L&D is that I feel like it's a personal responsibility not to let this place I have a hand in get too much more negative. So what if nobody really likes people with ASD? I guess there's some amount of reason to believe otherwise anyway. There exist people who actually recognize how entirely demeaning our entire culture is towards everyone's sexuality, but that doesn't make any of us able to do anything about it.

That also doesn't mean those people necessarily care anyway. I'm probably too bored & confused to be here, particularly when I suppose I could be working. Today was a seemingly never-ending panic attack about nothing in particular, save for the obvious fact that my reclusive nature has always been a problem.

It's not like I can really get any work done in that headspace, not without a change of scenery anyway.

I’ve been anxious and panicky for the last two months and I’m so over it.

I was married to someone who didn’t care that I had autism... but he also didn’t understand me.
I’m dating someone who doesn’t mind either and he makes a real effort to understand me and communicate with me. It’s rare, but appreciated. Who knows if it’ll work out - these things don’t tend to for me.

That's the case for all of us here.... that's why we get so excited when we seem to find someone who understands

I tend not to feel excited, but cautious and anxious. He’s aware though. I just really don’t want to feel like I’m somehow lying by omission, ya know?
I really feel like I don’t know what I want, or where I want anything to go.

Did you do any therapy after your divorce?

A therapist may possibly be able to help* you figure out what you want in a partner moving forward.

If you are feeling cautious and anxious, it could also be that you subconsciously see some scenario or behavior with this guy that reminds you of a previous unhealthy relationship. (Whether or not that said behavior is truly unhealthy or not).

*not all therapists are helpful to everyone they see.

Sorry this is sort of disjointed, I went through a bad breakup and therapy, and I think in my case, my therapist was helpful.

Frankly I guess one of the reasons I'm here is that this always feels too taboo to really discuss with my NT therapist since all the issues affecting my love life, or lack thereof, just comprise my life as usual. I'm rambling about it because in some ways I'm worried about having become complacent about these things.

At least I'm not totally out of touch with people.

FWIW I'm grateful that I can at least do what I'm good at right now - we're all leaning on technology more than ever & that's been my Achilles heel forever, whereas now it's actually doing something for somebody. Trouble is, I'm still just the weirdo in the corner piled full of technology.

Literally every thread here is full of hopelessness, discouraging memes, everyone myself included called it quits but that doesn't stop people from wondering.

Everyone calls our attempts to relate pointless without anyone knowing why. It's like nihilism makes more sense to some people than anything they say they believe.

I'm done with that kind of backasswards society, not my relationships. Wtf does some pessimistic dude hiding behind a screen really know about us?

I wish people could be positive about what's important to us but usually people sharing emotion here get so much bile spat at us in return that I can't even believe it anymore.

I'm not losing sleep over returning negativity. People who play know-it-all about ASD folks have our heads in an isolationist death spiral because they are sick enough to be amused by it.

I don't care about dating anymore. Everything we know is wrong.

And so devastated when they end things and we find out they didn't really understand or care, even when they are also autistic.

Yes, it hurts a lot.

And I'm sorry that you are hurting

I'm over it. Got someone new to disappoint me now.

I went to one session so far. I just haven't had time or energy to figure out how to see my therapist during the pandemic. I haven't felt like I needed to go to her though. I feel okay, mostly.

This guy doesn't remind me of anyone I've ever dated. He's unlike anyone I've ever dated. I think that's weird to me.