Board index › Coping in life › Love and Dating

so if you didn't feel like you had to get a girl....

Page 17 of 40 [ 635 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1 ... 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20 ... 40  Next

Previous topic | Next topic

Jono
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 10 Jul 2008
Age: 44
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,659
Location: Johannesburg, South Africa

15 Jul 2014, 4:13 am

tarantella64 wrote:
Quote:
Women very rarely do make the first move. It's a deep-seated tradition based on old laws that stated that only a man can propose to women. As marriage has become less important these days, the effect has been passed on to normal relationships.


We've had this conversation repeatedly on this site, where women come out of the woodwork and say, No, I ask men out. The response is the guys covering their ears and saying La la la I can't hear you, women make you ask them out.

I cannot recall the last time I met a young woman who was so tradition-bound she wouldn't ask a guy she fancied out. Unless he was in a relationship already.


In my personal experience, it's actually true that women rarely ask men out. Just because you've asked men out, that doesn't mean most other women do. After years and years of never asking women out, nobody has ever asked me out and vast majority of women I've met would never make the first move in asking men out. Most of my guy friends who have had girlfriends and wives say the same thing. Explain that to me please.



The_Face_of_Boo
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Age: 42
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 33,116
Location: Beirut, Lebanon.

15 Jul 2014, 4:33 am

Jono wrote:
tarantella64 wrote:
Quote:
Women very rarely do make the first move. It's a deep-seated tradition based on old laws that stated that only a man can propose to women. As marriage has become less important these days, the effect has been passed on to normal relationships.


We've had this conversation repeatedly on this site, where women come out of the woodwork and say, No, I ask men out. The response is the guys covering their ears and saying La la la I can't hear you, women make you ask them out.

I cannot recall the last time I met a young woman who was so tradition-bound she wouldn't ask a guy she fancied out. Unless he was in a relationship already.


In my personal experience, it's actually true that women rarely ask men out. Just because you've asked men out, that doesn't mean most other women do. After years and years of never asking women out, nobody has ever asked me out and vast majority of women I've met would never make the first move in asking men out. Most of my guy friends who have had girlfriends and wives say the same thing. Explain that to me please.



In a lot of cases women make the first move; but in a more subtle and less verbal way. In fact, in most cases, a woman has already pre-selected her guy but waiting him to react (asking out) to her (usually extremely obvious, even to AS) signs; often she would keep inviting him to her group of outing, and less commonly she might ask him obvious things like "what do I mean to you?" (real story happen to two male friends), "have you ever thought to have a partner?"...etc

This happened to most taken guys I knew; if this never happen to us then that it doesn't mean it never happens to other men. And this also make us realize the ugly truth: that we aren't attractive enough (looks-wise, career, social skills...etc); the key is not how to ask out but how to become generally attractive to the opposite sex, to at least to one type of them; that's why guys work out, go to diet, fake confidence, practice how to converse (sadly, this might lead them to pua materials)...etc; all to increase their attractiveness. Some guys are naturally attractive without doing any of those, others aren't that gifted so they have to work on it.

And don't worry about AS and nonverval signs reading; they are often very obvious with a lot of verbal hints that only a complete idiot wouldn't got them. If it never happened to you before it's not because you habe failed to read them your entire life but because it really never happened before. If you want a life partner, you should focus on increasing your attractivness rather than focusing how to read signs or how to write your first okc message; also you should also focus on forming friendships if you don't have any.



The_Face_of_Boo
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Age: 42
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 33,116
Location: Beirut, Lebanon.

15 Jul 2014, 5:06 am

Jono wrote:
tarantella64 wrote:
So I'm reading all these threads about the pain of rejection and anger/bewilderment about having to go find women and make the first move, and suddenly it hits me: jesus, if I believed my value in the world had to do with having a man, and that it was imperative that I get me one, any acceptable one, so that I was forever on the prowl, I'd feel horrible too. Because of course men would reject me left and right.

I get horniness (I'm a middle-aged woman, believe me, we know), and I get loneliness (you want lonely? Have a toddler as your lone dinner companion for two years solid, you have to be lonely and responsible simultaneously), but I feel no social pressure to find a man. There isn't any imperative directing me to go learn the game and game the women till I win. So I wonder, if that were removed from young men's set of beliefs -- get women or be loser, be rated on quality of woman you can get -- how much fear of women, and anger at women, would evaporate?

If the ability to get dates/attract women played no role at all in your perceived social standing, guys, how do you think this would affect how you feel about women?


You've got it wrong. I don't want to "get a girl" because of social pressure, which I actually couldn't give a flying eff about, I want one because of the loneliness and because I don't want the emotional support I want only coming from my parents and family the whole time, as well as for love and companionship. Especially when absolutely everyone around me at my age is now already married and gat it from their spouses. You're only making assumptions that we want girlfriends because of social pressure, well you're wrong so you can take your stupid assumptions and go and stick them up your backside. Thank you.


😱😱😱 Jono??



The_Face_of_Boo
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Age: 42
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 33,116
Location: Beirut, Lebanon.

15 Jul 2014, 5:12 am

tarantella64 wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Eureka13 wrote:
By the time I pull my concealed-carry weapon out of wherever it might be concealed, it's probably too late. A knee to the groin or an elbow to the solar plexus is much quicker and easier to enact. :D


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pepper_spray

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Taser


Boo, as a woman who's actually been attacked violently -- while in excellent physical condition, in fact on my way home from the gym where I was working -- I can tell you that what you're advocating is complete BS. The best way to protect yourself, if you are a woman trying to defend yourself from violent men, is to live in a safe, well-policed area.


Not all places have sophistacted police system; not advocating a solution but what's wrong in having a tool of self-defense? A pepper sray is even effective against bears, if a man grabs you, you spray his face and he'll be completely blind and in pain; that would grant extra time to escape or to call or to run to the nearest police.

I wanna buy one of those, as a petit man I need one. I took muay thai classes for that reason (even tho taekwondo is more effective for that, but that what was available in my gym)



Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 15 Jul 2014, 5:37 am, edited 2 times in total.

The_Face_of_Boo
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Age: 42
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 33,116
Location: Beirut, Lebanon.

15 Jul 2014, 5:23 am

KB8CWB wrote:
Looking back, one of the main reasons I married (2x) was to "fit in" with my peers. Yes it can be nice having a partner to do things with but never really worked out that well for me. Seems between my poor communication skills, shyness, and being a bad judge of character led me into rather poor relationships. Both I had married had their issues, as well as I have issues. They fell apart mainly due to my poor communication skills, and hating the general social life. I kept getting drug off to family events and basically being shunned because I evidently come across as odd. After so long putting up with the looks, glances, and whispers I just stopped attending them and stayed at home. Made things even worse but I don't deal with crowds well and the noise and over stimulation that comes with them. To be honest, there were many other issues however they don't apply here at WP and probably nothing unusual about them anyway.

Initially both my partners and I got along well. I am a very thoughtful romantic and they loved the attention. I was a thoughtful lover as well making sure they were pleased. But to be honest, sex did NOTHING for me. No, I am not gay I am very hetro just the sex thing never did anything for me. I like shared activities, cuddling, sharing time together, etc. But after awhile they put 2 + 2 together and noticed I really didn't desire them in a sexual way. That put some real strains on the relationships as well. They took my lack of interest as something personal, not just due to my lack of desire for anyone. At the time I didn't realize there was a label as such for it however now I know I am an asexual hetro romantic. Also I was undiagnosed at the time so my seemingly odd behaviour just added fuel to the fire I suppose.

Am I opposed to another relationship? NO as long as knowing what I do now would be acceptable to the lady (doubtful). I plan on traveling extensively in the near future being what is called a full-timer bumming about the country in a motor home. Find a nice place and stay awhile until I became bored with it or the weather got such that I wanted a warmer clime. Then too, not many would put up with my hobbies and I don't plan on giving them up. I like my alone time to pursue what interests me and to be happy I require this alone time. When you start adding all of this up, it is pretty clear I am best being alone.

Worse yet, being a poor judge of character I doubt I would do any better today choosing a suitable partner as I did them. Don't get me wrong, the companionship would be nice I just don't see it happening. My best bet is just to get another dog I suppose as my last two passed 3+ years ago. And NO, I am not trying to compare a lady to a dog. Just in my case I think it would be a wiser choice.

Image



I envy you.
I am hetero certainly not asexual, chronically single, but I have always wondered about my desire of having it with someone. I am completely sexually functional but I have never had the urge to pay for it to an escort, like a lot of guys. I am not sure what's the exact label for that, if there's any.



Laddo
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 24 Dec 2011
Age: 33
Gender: Male
Posts: 581

15 Jul 2014, 5:30 am

This is getting so out of hand. I think there's a huge case here of both sexes not quite understanding how the other's mind works and making assumptions based on past personal experience. It's not all that surprising considering most of us on this forum have some difficulty understanding other people in general. Before anyone of either gender flares up at me, I'm talking about both men and women here. That's why these "man vs woman" threads get anywhere: people get pissed off with each other, things escalate and by the end of it, no one even bothers trying to understand the other side because their judgement has become clouded. I still say that co-operation between the sexes would be a much better solution that all these borderline flame wars.


_________________
I am no longer using this account or this website. Do not bother contacting me because any messages will be ignored. The fact that you can't delete your profile while all your information is retained is also disgraceful.


starvingartist
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Oct 2008
Age: 45
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,032

15 Jul 2014, 9:50 am

onewithstrange wrote:
Eureka13 wrote:
Of course some men can read nonverbal cues


I know it. You know it. Let's hear it from starvingartist or tarantella.

Eureka13 wrote:
Still, what's so hard about leading up to a kiss on a first date with a touch on the arm or shoulder, maybe a little hand holding, before going for the kiss? All that's being objected to here is either: a) kissing someone when you are not in a "designated romantic opportunity," i.e., a date; or b) planting a kiss on a first date without SOME obvious (and I do mean REALLY obvious) lead-in.


There's absolutely nothing wrong with leading up to a kiss with some sort of light touch that indicates what the man intends. I'm past all this. I remember one time, when I was in her car and we were listening to her favorite band, I tucked her hair behind her hair and gauged her reaction before making any move. Other times, I've asked her (different her) status after I reached for her hand in a movie theater. My threshold really does lean towards obvious signals, but there's no such thing as an obvious signal to tarantella or apparently starvingartist. That's my issue. The lack of acknowledgement on their part that men can distinguish between different kinds of signals.

Eureka13 wrote:
Also, it totally a non-issue when it comes to established relationships...


But you see, that's still an issue for tarantella. Go back and read http://www.wrongplanet.net/postxf261300-0-120.html if you don't believe me. Men must ask at all times lest they be accused of having no respect, etc. etc.


i have acknowledged that not all men have difficulties with non-verbal communication. because some men can do this and some men can't, and as eureka said, not all men know how good they are at reading such cues, perhaps telling them it's ok to kiss a woman without asking that you've not already kissed before is not a good idea. yet you continue to put words in my mouth and act like i'm spewing man-hate. calm down and actually read what i've said before you fly off the handle at me and rant at me for things i never said, please.



b9
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 14 Aug 2008
Age: 52
Gender: Male
Posts: 12,003
Location: australia

15 Jul 2014, 9:51 am

i have had many opportunities to have girlfriends, and i ignored most of them because i did not want them so deep.

when i worked 9-5 in an office setting and i was the head programmer of the company i worked for, i had some of the external trappings of success that girls often look for. i earned lots of money and i went to eat at a tavern in a sophisticated part of town every night on my way home. i just went there to eat because the food was good, and it was on my way.

after a while people seemed to want to get to know me, and i accepted people to sit at my table and talk to me, but among them were also girls who seemed like they wanted me to look at them, and sometimes i did, but never for long.

after a while, some girls were "brave" enough to force themselves in to my viewfield, and i just accepted them because i liked them. they quickly took over and many of them were bickering over who i liked the most or which one of them understood me the best etc. they very much were the aggressors. they bit my face and kissed me and were very bold in what they wanted. i never let them swamp me because i always have to remain free to escape, and i escaped very often, but they chased me.

girls who are determined are quite clever in ways that i find hard to predict.

i could never imagine being on the other end of the "stick". i.e being the one who is desirous and unfulfilled.

there were males that admired my ability to "take the pretty girls home", but their admiration was just a parting glance to me, and the pretty girls always had an agenda that interfered with my ultimate freedom, and so i was never able to give myself away (so to speak). i did love them, but i also love orange juice, and i am not going to spend my life in the fridge.

there is a girl (cashier) down at the supermarket (when it is open) who likes me. i can tell that she does. i do not know how but i can. she looks softly at me over the top of her glasses, and even if i am turned away (not more than 90 degrees however), my eyes instinctively look at her eyes that are looking at me, and i look away and shake my head and then i have to force myself to not look at her any more. when she serves me i know she likes me. when i talk to her, i feel like i am talking with perfect diction. she breathes in a very unguarded way when i am talking to her. by unguarded, i mean unrestricted.

but whatever.

she is "her" and i am "me",

and "me" and "her" we'll always be

just "me" and "her" so what's the fuss?

well me and her can never be "us".
__________
"us" will never include me. no matter which "us" it is. there may be an infinite amount of "us's" in the universe, but i am not involved with any of them and never could be.

the rest of this thread is like gobbledegook to me. i am flabbergasted as to how all of you respondents know so much about such subtle aspects of the social world.

oh she gave me a look that said "i was just going 72 miles per hour in a green car i stole that i smashed into a powerpole". how can people see things other than basics from expressions and innuendo's etc. it is a very complicated world. if i had no trust in the sanity of the people who live in the social world, i would certainly believe it was a feeble and incongruent set of dynamics that were among the thoughts of the insane.



starvingartist
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Oct 2008
Age: 45
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,032

15 Jul 2014, 9:53 am

Laddo wrote:
This is getting so out of hand. I think there's a huge case here of both sexes not quite understanding how the other's mind works and making assumptions based on past personal experience. It's not all that surprising considering most of us on this forum have some difficulty understanding other people in general. Before anyone of either gender flares up at me, I'm talking about both men and women here. That's why these "man vs woman" threads get anywhere: people get pissed off with each other, things escalate and by the end of it, no one even bothers trying to understand the other side because their judgement has become clouded. I still say that co-operation between the sexes would be a much better solution that all these borderline flame wars.


you have contributed to this, at least against me, by intentionally misquoting me in another thread and then being extremely rude and insulting and calling me a man-hater for using the word "dick" when i never did, and then not apologising when i pointed out to you that you were insulting me for something i never even said. take your own advice and stop projecting your own issues onto people that haven't even said the things you're getting so angry at them for.



The_Face_of_Boo
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Age: 42
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 33,116
Location: Beirut, Lebanon.

15 Jul 2014, 10:25 am

smudge wrote:
onewithstrange wrote:
http://www.wrongplanet.net/postxf261300-0-120.html

Fourth post down, second to last paragraph. I told tarantella she represents the worst of feminism, and she replied with:

Quote:
Okay, let's see if I've got this straight: Woman is quite firm about the fact that you haven't got some romantic right to guess at what women want sexually and try imposing it on them, and that it's a much better idea to ask permission before touching someone else sexually. This is so outrageous to you that you figure you'd better insult her. Congratulations for convincing me that you've got little enough self-control, and little enough respect for women, that women would be well-advised not to date you or get into elevators with you.


The 'Woman' she's referring to in the second line is herself.


Sigh. I see what you mean.

Apart from that kissing is violating = rape thing, I tend to agree with tarantula on a lot of points, she raises *very* good ones and I think she makes a decent feminist overall. Accusing you of that though was quite unfair. The kissing leading to rape thing is just blown out of proportion. It's a kiss, usually intended as a romantic gesture. It isn't sex itself. Obviously the 'kissee' should physically or verbally back out as they wish without fear of being forced.

Personally I prefer someone to ask me, or rather, I'd do it on my terms...but I always mention it. I realise not everybody is like me though.


I am starting to like smudge's balanced mind and her opinions.

What?? No, this can't be.



Jono
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 10 Jul 2008
Age: 44
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,659
Location: Johannesburg, South Africa

15 Jul 2014, 11:50 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Jono wrote:
tarantella64 wrote:
Quote:
Women very rarely do make the first move. It's a deep-seated tradition based on old laws that stated that only a man can propose to women. As marriage has become less important these days, the effect has been passed on to normal relationships.


We've had this conversation repeatedly on this site, where women come out of the woodwork and say, No, I ask men out. The response is the guys covering their ears and saying La la la I can't hear you, women make you ask them out.

I cannot recall the last time I met a young woman who was so tradition-bound she wouldn't ask a guy she fancied out. Unless he was in a relationship already.


In my personal experience, it's actually true that women rarely ask men out. Just because you've asked men out, that doesn't mean most other women do. After years and years of never asking women out, nobody has ever asked me out and vast majority of women I've met would never make the first move in asking men out. Most of my guy friends who have had girlfriends and wives say the same thing. Explain that to me please.



In a lot of cases women make the first move; but in a more subtle and less verbal way. In fact, in most cases, a woman has already pre-selected her guy but waiting him to react (asking out) to her (usually extremely obvious, even to AS) signs; often she would keep inviting him to her group of outing, and less commonly she might ask him obvious things like "what do I mean to you?" (real story happen to two male friends), "have you ever thought to have a partner?"...etc

This happened to most taken guys I knew; if this never happen to us then that it doesn't mean it never happens to other men. And this also make us realize the ugly truth: that we aren't attractive enough (looks-wise, career, social skills...etc); the key is not how to ask out but how to become generally attractive to the opposite sex, to at least to one type of them; that's why guys work out, go to diet, fake confidence, practice how to converse (sadly, this might lead them to pua materials)...etc; all to increase their attractiveness. Some guys are naturally attractive without doing any of those, others aren't that gifted so they have to work on it.

And don't worry about AS and nonverval signs reading; they are often very obvious with a lot of verbal hints that only a complete idiot wouldn't got them. If it never happened to you before it's not because you habe failed to read them your entire life but because it really never happened before. If you want a life partner, you should focus on increasing your attractivness rather than focusing how to read signs or how to write your first okc message; also you should also focus on forming friendships if you don't have any.


Yeah, well I know that this has happened to me and actually, at the time I didn't get them. You can call me an idiot if you want though. I was talking about women asking men out on dates verbally, like asking "would you like to meet sometime?" the what men are used to doing, not the non-verbal signs that show they're interested. That in my experience, rarely happens.



Eureka13
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 1 Nov 2013
Age: 68
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,058
Location: The wilds of Colorado

15 Jul 2014, 12:16 pm

*shrug* I have done the (verbal) asking way more times than I have been asked. Been turned down plenty of times, too, sometimes even being told I'm too forward by the man I asked out. And, yeah, I suck at reading nonverbal signals. :)



onewithstrange
Sea Gull
Sea Gull

User avatar

Joined: 4 Mar 2013
Age: 37
Gender: Male
Posts: 209

15 Jul 2014, 1:36 pm

starvingartist wrote:
i have acknowledged that not all men have difficulties with non-verbal communication.


Really? Where? Not in this thread, you haven't. I've checked. The closest you've come is saying the argument we're having isn't about all men, but I thought I cleared that up with my Venn diagram. Maybe a picture would be more suitable:

Image

The intersection is purple because red and blue are overlapping (aren't I clever?). The red sliver on the left is for that small yet interesting minority of people who identify as male but aren't actually male by sex (I'll not have it said I'm statistically unethical or not thorough). All males are necessarily male gender, hence there not being any hint of blue.

Claiming any arbitrary man has "poor impulse control" and "no respect for women" because they prefer to be spontaneous in their affection, just because they prefer spontaneous affection, is sexist, prejudiced, offensive, and wrong. (Mathematically, by letting the man be arbitrary, you're representing the whole set.) If you want to talk about rapists who use "she said she wanted it" as an excuse for what they're going to do anyway, that's a separate discussion. If you can't distinguish between the two, perhaps that's your problem since there are so many testimonials, including at least one in this thread by a woman, attesting to spontaneous affection being their personal preference.

starvingartist wrote:
perhaps telling them it's ok to kiss a woman without asking that you've not already kissed before is not a good idea.


Who's telling who it's a good idea to make moves without verbal consent? I'm not offering advice to anyone. I never explained what works for me under the pretense that others should do it, as well. For proof, let's look back on the first two posts of mine in the "I misread a situation and kissed a friend" thread, seen here http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt261300.html on pages 1 and 4 (bold emphasis mine):

onewithstrange wrote:
It's a finer line for me. If they're strangers, then I'd agree with the above rule about asking and keeping it formal. Friends, and especially dates, is a horse of a different color. Your friends will usually give you better clues than simply extending a hug for a second or two longer. Even if they did, it's probably best to start things with a friend gradually and take smaller steps. I wouldn't think a hug meant more unless her behavior the rest of the day seems to suggest it does. On dates, some women may actually be turned off by your lack of spontaneity if you ask. Then again, some women may like someone old-fashioned. It's a bit of a crapshoot, but I haven't gone wrong yet in being spontaneous.


and

onewithstrange wrote:
starvingartist wrote:
isn't it always better policy to ask beforehand when the result of not asking and being wrong about the "signals" you're getting can be the sexual assault of another person? the worst result of asking can be the other person gets pissy about it and you find out they're not fond of direct communication in relationships and prefer games and mind-reading, and then you can decide whether that's someone for you or not. seems like the preferred way to be wrong is pretty obvious, at least to me. why cross a line like that without asking if you don't have to? and guys wonder how date-rape happens so frequently to women. Rolling Eyes


This seems rather extreme. I've never kissed someone without some indication that it would be welcome, nor would I. In fact I don't think I've ever kissed someone without earlier having held their hand (like in a movie theater) and then asking if they're alright afterward. My experience is women like initiative and spontaneity, but I wouldn't recommend either to someone with a bad record of interpreting body language.


So again, who exactly is suggesting to anyone that spontaneity is better than asking first?

starvingartist wrote:
yet you continue to put words in my mouth


I haven't, but you sure just did. Having looked back through this thread, that seems to be one of your favorite lines.

starvingartist wrote:
and act like i'm spewing man-hate.


By agreeing with tarantella that men who prefer spontaneous passion have poor self-control or no respect for women, you are being sexist. You're not taking into account or acknowledging that the men involved may not actually want to make the woman uncomfortable and actually have their own guidelines for when to and not to. Do you see what I'm talking about? It's not an 'all or nothing' situation, and assuming it is isn't giving men any credit.

starvingartist wrote:
calm down and actually read what i've said before you fly off the handle at me and rant at me for things i never said, please.


Not only do I read everything you say, but I also strive to respond to everything you say, a habit I noticed you don't follow. That's your prerogative, I guess, but there were a few paragraphs I would love to get your input on, for instance this one:

onewithstrange wrote:
This is how tarantella implied I am: I'm in an elevator. The doors slide open and a girl is standing there, waiting to get on. I say: "Oh, hello there. You may want to wait for the next one because if you get in now, I just don't know what I'm going to do to you! I have so little self-control and so little respect for you as a human being that I may as well be raping you right now!" Are you seriously defending tarantella for saying what she did?


Do you not see how offensive that is? Others have.


_________________
"If people do not believe that mathematics is simple, it is only because they do not realize how complicated life is."

~~ John von Neumann


marshall
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 14 Apr 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 10,752
Location: Turkey

15 Jul 2014, 1:53 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
In a lot of cases women make the first move; but in a more subtle and less verbal way. In fact, in most cases, a woman has already pre-selected her guy but waiting him to react (asking out) to her (usually extremely obvious, even to AS) signs; often she would keep inviting him to her group of outing, and less commonly she might ask him obvious things like "what do I mean to you?" (real story happen to two male friends), "have you ever thought to have a partner?"...etc

This happened to most taken guys I knew; if this never happen to us then that it doesn't mean it never happens to other men. And this also make us realize the ugly truth: that we aren't attractive enough (looks-wise, career, social skills...etc); the key is not how to ask out but how to become generally attractive to the opposite sex, to at least to one type of them; that's why guys work out, go to diet, fake confidence, practice how to converse (sadly, this might lead them to pua materials)...etc; all to increase their attractiveness. Some guys are naturally attractive without doing any of those, others aren't that gifted so they have to work on it.

And don't worry about AS and nonverval signs reading; they are often very obvious with a lot of verbal hints that only a complete idiot wouldn't got them. If it never happened to you before it's not because you habe failed to read them your entire life but because it really never happened before. If you want a life partner, you should focus on increasing your attractivness rather than focusing how to read signs or how to write your first okc message; also you should also focus on forming friendships if you don't have any.

I think the issue is in order for a woman to make the first move on you you have to have female friends and acquaintances. Extraverts and NTs do better because they have a ton of little social connections. Most women aren't going to give signals or ask out someone they don't know that well. If you don't have many friends it's harder no matter how attractive you are on the surface.

Obsessing on shallow factors isn't going to help. Probably just having normal conversations with women increases the chances significantly. If you can't talk to women it's going to be harder. Most people don't have conversations on the street or in the store these days, so you almost have to be working or volunteering somewhere to have consistent contact with the same people. If you spend most of your time at home or places where you don't interact with anyone of the opposite sex consistently you're pretty much screwed. People don't reach out randomly in general. It's hard to even make friends in public. People just don't talk in public anymore. They're either on their phones and focused on their own thoughts 99% of the time.



marshall
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 14 Apr 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 10,752
Location: Turkey

15 Jul 2014, 2:13 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
KB8CWB wrote:
Looking back, one of the main reasons I married (2x) was to "fit in" with my peers. Yes it can be nice having a partner to do things with but never really worked out that well for me. Seems between my poor communication skills, shyness, and being a bad judge of character led me into rather poor relationships. Both I had married had their issues, as well as I have issues. They fell apart mainly due to my poor communication skills, and hating the general social life. I kept getting drug off to family events and basically being shunned because I evidently come across as odd. After so long putting up with the looks, glances, and whispers I just stopped attending them and stayed at home. Made things even worse but I don't deal with crowds well and the noise and over stimulation that comes with them. To be honest, there were many other issues however they don't apply here at WP and probably nothing unusual about them anyway.

Initially both my partners and I got along well. I am a very thoughtful romantic and they loved the attention. I was a thoughtful lover as well making sure they were pleased. But to be honest, sex did NOTHING for me. No, I am not gay I am very hetro just the sex thing never did anything for me. I like shared activities, cuddling, sharing time together, etc. But after awhile they put 2 + 2 together and noticed I really didn't desire them in a sexual way. That put some real strains on the relationships as well. They took my lack of interest as something personal, not just due to my lack of desire for anyone. At the time I didn't realize there was a label as such for it however now I know I am an asexual hetro romantic. Also I was undiagnosed at the time so my seemingly odd behaviour just added fuel to the fire I suppose.

Am I opposed to another relationship? NO as long as knowing what I do now would be acceptable to the lady (doubtful). I plan on traveling extensively in the near future being what is called a full-timer bumming about the country in a motor home. Find a nice place and stay awhile until I became bored with it or the weather got such that I wanted a warmer clime. Then too, not many would put up with my hobbies and I don't plan on giving them up. I like my alone time to pursue what interests me and to be happy I require this alone time. When you start adding all of this up, it is pretty clear I am best being alone.

Worse yet, being a poor judge of character I doubt I would do any better today choosing a suitable partner as I did them. Don't get me wrong, the companionship would be nice I just don't see it happening. My best bet is just to get another dog I suppose as my last two passed 3+ years ago. And NO, I am not trying to compare a lady to a dog. Just in my case I think it would be a wiser choice.

Image



I envy you.
I am hetero certainly not asexual, chronically single, but I have always wondered about my desire of having it with someone. I am completely sexually functional but I have never had the urge to pay for it to an escort, like a lot of guys. I am not sure what's the exact label for that, if there's any.


You shouldn't be so envious. It sucks to be rejected for being asexual. A lot of women DO take it personally if you are not physically attracted, and that leads to ME taking it personally as well. From now on I refuse to ever date someone that isn't okay with me being sexually different right from the start. The internet and existence of asexual sites is making it easier, but it sucks that I've only figured this thing out now that I'm 34. Sexual attraction is pointless to me now that the only people I'm even vaguely attracted to physically are way too young for me. I'm not going to date 18-22 year old girls. I need someone more rather than less mature than me.



trollcatman
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Dec 2012
Age: 43
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,919

15 Jul 2014, 2:27 pm

tarantella64 wrote:
We've had this conversation repeatedly on this site, where women come out of the woodwork and say, No, I ask men out. The response is the guys covering their ears and saying La la la I can't hear you, women make you ask them out.


What they meant to say is this: "Women never ask me out."