Just avoiding the subject here.

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I too am thankful for alone time but that doesn't stop me from getting to much of it. It's not exactly a baseline human experience usually if you get my meaning; I'm the black sheep shaman miles from the village watching a fire.

I know things will probably change for me sometime, the scary part isn't the trial & error as much as the realization that said shamanic journey doesn't prepare me socially in any way. I could be wrong about that, I've been trying to create more space in my mind for others' thoughts & sensibilities, I haven't been entirely absent from loved ones' lives.

I really hope I'm wrong about that because I'm not usually that pessimistic, but living in a coffee fueled realm of pure math, code, plastic & silicon is a far cry from anything people can usually relate to. I can't fix the missing parts of me with custom built machinery, which is worrying.

Are you sure you can't learn the needed social skills through trial and error?

I'm not sure if it's a question of outright learning as much as it's about dealing with my anxiety better. Anxiety is the worst contagion.

there are some aspies here [various threads] who use GABA for anxiety, the gist of the threads is that it is helpful for them.

Now that you mention it I think that merits another look on my part, it's been a while.

Mainly it's people who help me with that.

if you have people who help you with anxiety, those sound like good friends to have.

They're the same people you said shouldn't make me uncomfortable, but I do gravitate to extremes. Not that it always goes well, but extremes are nonetheless extremes.

Beer four hasn't sedated me, if herbs don't only computers will.

programmers, mathematicians & scientists are people also.....

I think the trouble with that seems to be that we get caught up "talking shop" & I completely ignore human language in favor of considering all the logic.

I don't even know which of those I am but I appreciate your sentiment.

I notice that non-tech people think of us as magicians and mind-readers.

It’s frustrating.

I'm sorry that happens. It is unfair.

I'm not sure who's fault that is anyway, more than any apology we all need to do something about it.

FWIW I tend to think things can only really get better, it was always going to take time for me to get back in touch with people & things getting worse before they get better, as brutal as things are right now, is normal.

In any case, being a completely distinct, artificially isolated element of society is tiring & kind of scary. Working with technology has no historical basis for comparison, making it hard to represent one's humanity in a relatable way.

Despite being kind of a mess, I feel OK about my personal life, only not about being a mess.

I just want people to stay safe. Maybe that means me withdrawing & doing nothing but I hope it's not forever.

It's not that people seeing technology as magic is offensive or anything, if anything that's flattering, the problem is that this mindset kind of ignores the human aspects of our work & how connected everyone is to it. Drawing too many distinctions around techies has really isolated a lot of us. Seeing our work as supernatural retooling of miracles has led to us being seen as a different kind of people.

The human part of me isn't.

OK so perhaps part of the trouble for me is that I expect near-cyborg levels of attention to detail from myself & that I'm always using logical work as a sort of escapism from social life, which is ironically tougher for me in terms of overthinking.

Being I.T. for everyone around me at least instills some sense of purpose, if not necessarily belonging.

I should let this machine sit & work while I dutifully avoid further rambling.

Sshh... Any sufficiently advanced magic is indistinguishable from technology.