Feeling undatable

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i play dirty

I don't think it's about getting people to like you, but liking yourself and finding others who like the kind of person you are. I know that sounds like kind of a pat answer, so I definitely get your response. A few years ago, I don't think I would have wanted to say that or take that advice if given to me. But, I do think it's true, because thinking the other way has, for me, only perpetuated loneliness, self-loathing, frustration, and misery. I think, really, there are no answers, at least not in the very concrete way we want them. We can be guided by certain principles and viewpoints in dating, but we each have to find our own way. It's tempting to want to make people like you, or seek out others based on type, but in the end we are going to fall in love with an individual, and we are also an individual for others to fall in love with. If there's any solution, it's probably being able to accept that you may not be with who you expect to, while being able to recognize individuals who are truly worthy of your love. We have to understand our feelings and why we have them for others. This leads to better and more genuine appreciation for those we love. If we constantly measure dates against some personal ideal, we will always end up disappointed and alone, while the other person will find happiness with someone more mature.

That's how I take it. Thank you for helping me reflect a bit on this and better form my own thoughts.

case in point: my ex, even throughout the entire relationship. she was typically the one who would "break up" with me. supposedly "because it wasn't fair to me that she didn't love me enough". as if that mattered to me. you feel whatever you feel, i only care how you act. and at the same time, also "because what about all the other people she might be getting to meet out there and was missing out on". well then knock yourself out and just leave me be. and then she would be desperate for my company and affection again when i was already in the process of moving on

she never came to terms with just being out of the norm (which she most definitely is) and accepting herself that way. she would mock me sometimes for my flaws and eccentricities, and i would respond in kind. except with brutal honesty instead, because i couldn't simply take that abuse to my self-esteem, and it's not like she had any shortage of her own flaws and eccentricities of almost the exact same kind

in the end she didn't sound like she gained anything from the relationship, which is a shame. she just sounded like she was even more desperate to be recognized as "normal" (and i was in the way of that, because i was only interested in recognizing her as her natural self, which was who i was attracted to in the first place). i felt pity. and that's when you know that it's really over. i told her not to contact me again

so it's not even just about starting a relationship. that's only the tip of the iceberg

The thing is, only the lonely forever alone person who would bear the sufferring from loniless - no one else would help her in that; including those people who applauded her/him for not chaning at all and for staying "true to him/herself".

If slw (or me or anyone else) ends up old and lonely - only she will suffer from it; there's no entity that is going to reward her for being "ultra-individualistic" and "never changing" during her youth.

If slw's dates were all failures then she is the common denominator - and that's the case of any one who fails in all dates - it might be her choices of guys (ie. aiming high, fixating on a specific demography), or her choice of type of guys, it might something in her which it's unappealing to those guys. Maybe it's the place where she is finding them, maybe she lacks social life totally.
Or maybe her Asperger is not mild by any means.

Either way, she should recongnize her shortcomings/bad attributes.

She should try to change something, to try different things to change the outcome - she is still very young.
I wish I've realized that when I was her age, I was resistant to any change

But you can't expect her to not change anything or not changing anything in the hope of something good come along by mere luck.

"not what you say but how you say it" indeed. you're making a lot of sense to me now

i just think you're taking the idea of "being true to yourself" too extremely, and it's probably not what highllama meant. for me, i did make it a point to stay extremely unconventional, and as far as i'm concerned, it paid off. 30 years old, doesn't matter. it may have been a long journey of suffering, but it brought me to a much better place than i would have been had i simply given in to fitting in and following the norm as a priority, and i have no regrets

i did certainly invest a very large amount of effort into changing things and trying different approaches, which was crucial. but it's like i said, i think the emphasis has to be on "changing things" and not "changing yourself". you adapt your life to suit you, instead of adapting yourself to suit your current frustrating life, which won't stop being frustrating simply by any success at fitting into it

https://youtu.be/eebfMFzJHNs

case in point, if your job sucks, you look for a new job if you can. that's being smart and "staying true to yourself". if we were to take the true-to-yourself thing really literally, nobody would even look for a job. but the smart thing to do is to look for a job that suits you, if at all possible, and not the easiest job to find in your area

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side not for you, boo: remember that age is on your side when you're male. it's much easier to find a younger female partner than the other way around. i have a friend who's essentially married to a guy 20 years older than her. she's a very attractive and very interesting person, while he's not even attractive (but to her i guess he is). they're both recluses/eccentrics, and that's what brought them together. they're starting a family now

I think part of it is that I don't always know what to say to people I also think it might have something to do with my tone of voice or facial expression because I've been told that I can sometimes have a monotone voice. I think I might come off as slow too. It seems like things are pretty different online though because it seems people show more interest in me than irl.

You are right. But, the thing is that if you're looking for that reward, then people will sense that and see you as being too needy and co-dependent. The irony is that not wanting or needing the recognition is what will make you happier and attract others; they will then recognize you as a great person. We all feel a want or need for recognition at times, but this can be dangerous. I've felt happier when hoping my qualities are recognized, seeing recognition as a (potential) perk of my actual goal. If recognition was part of the goal, I typically felt unappreciated, unsuccessful, and was probably being too self-centered.

I can tell you want to be loved, and you have many great qualities. I hope you find the right person for you.

You completely missed the point of the post....but whatever.

I do get your point, but I think we already discussed changing yourself versus changing things you do in this thread. The new points were about loneliness as a result of being yourself.

Do you mean changing things that you're not aware of, like signals that you're giving off that might be sending the wrong message?

I don't go out to very many places so that might be a problem. I mostly just work and shop and when I do these things I'm usually very tired and not very sociable. Sometimes I volunteer, go to church or hang out with a friends/family members, but that's about it. I want to start going to a gym or maybe go to a coffee shop or something.

if you [or a lot of the rest of us] had a useful friend who could discreetly watch you from a distance and see how you interact with men, that would be instructive, she could give you feedback where you might need it, tell you what she can see that you could do better in. do you have such a friend who could do that for you?

Maybe, but one of my friend also says she has trouble in social situations. There's another one that I don't hang out with as much and when we do I'm usually not interacting with other people, but I might still ask her.

I hope you find luck with one of them, i'd like to hear what you find out. think of it as a social experiment.

They both told me that they thought it was because I was really quiet.

i feel tempted to try the site Spectrum Singles