Would you dump someone who got fat?

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13 May 2012, 12:46 am

We change our tastes over time, given. As I get older I will give more lenience to aesthetics and my standards will probably lower to coincide with my ageing and other things. Right now though, I'm 27 and if I want to like slender to curvy sized women then let me like them. Anyways, this isn't the original question. In fact, this entire debate going on right now is so far from the original question it's nuts!

This is going nowhere. As long as
*People are coming into this with a personal bitterness towards the weight issue
*Fellas continue to defend some of the ideas society promotes rather than their actual wishes
*People ignore everyone's rights to like or not like certain aesthetics

This newfound "debate" will get nobody nowhere. Seriously it's gotten pathetic now. I won't be contributing to it any further.
I'll answer the original post, AGAIN.

1) Yes, I would but it's not that black and white. As I've made clear in several posts there would be several things I ensure I do for both me and the GF to make things work before I'd even consider hitting that route.

2) I like what I like, and for the time being I don't want to change what I think is attractive (and even right now it's a very broad spectrum, I think anyone finding faults with my leniency has got issues!). I'd rather that happen naturally, not forcefully, and for life and my mind to progress as it should do, and that is over time and with experience.

I have to say I find this all very disappointing. That this kind of thing gets discussed for hours with such bitterness, jealousy, angst, personal agendas on a Saturday night (that's right a Saturday night) and I have to say I'm disappointed with myself for being dragged in with it!

Goodbye. I'll contribute to other topics.

rabbittss
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13 May 2012, 12:49 am

DW_a_mom wrote:

rabbittss wrote:

DW_a_mom wrote:

You guys really think you just like what you like and are in control of it? NO, you've been influenced by TV, magazines, and the comments you hear around you. In many cultures women with a little fat are more desirable, because it is, actually, healthier and a stronger indicator of fertility.

I wouldn't call 50+ extra pounds "A Little fat"... I don't think anyone is talking about the girl who weighs 160 and is 5'8" here.. I'm certainly not.. I'd probably consider such a girl quite attractive, at least body type... But take that same girl and pack her on up to 210lbs and I wouldn't find her attractive.

But girls who read or hear these things don't know that.

Then it is essentially an education problem.

mds_02
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13 May 2012, 12:50 am

DW_a_mom wrote:

rabbittss wrote:

DW_a_mom wrote:

But girls who read or hear these things don't know that. No one stops to define what fat uniquely means to them, so a listener will jump to the catty comments they hear elsewhere, all the people who have called Bristol Palin or Cheryl Burke fat, etc.

It is a word you have to be careful with.

Why is it the speaker's fault if the listener jumps to false conclusions?

Edit: not that I'm on his side about everything, the way he worded some things was pointlessly cruel. But the basic point, that he likes what he likes and shouldn't have to apologize for it or hide it, I agree with.

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Last edited by mds_02 on 13 May 2012, 12:54 am, edited 1 time in total.

DW_a_mom
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13 May 2012, 12:52 am

1000Knives wrote:

All right, here's another thing. Cooking. If a woman can cook, then you know, that gives them a lot of slack. Seriously. My neighbor once told me "There's two ways a woman can satisfy a man, through his dick and through his stomach." Most people might find this odd and sexist and think I'm Jackie Gleeson or something, but cooking is a requirement for a serious girlfriend or wife to me. If a woman is unwilling to learn to cook, it says a LOT about her personality to me.

I'm mainly saying this as my parents' marriage seemed to dissolve over my mother not being able to cook or willing to learn how to do it. Before my parent's divorced, my dad did all the cooking, and I was healthy and skinny. Everyone in my house except me complained about my dad's "weird" food like horrors of horrors, CABBAGE or BEANS, and GREENS, or WHOLE WHEAT, except me, I loved it. So all this time, I observed my mother and sisters deride my dad for his attempts at living healthily.

Then when my mom got custody, she didn't know how to cook, so except for some occasional burgers with no seasoning or steak and potatoes with no seasoning, it was all TV dinners and canned food. My weight shot up like crazy, and I got really unhappy during that time. For me, nutrition really is like half the battle, if I have good nutrition, I'm happy, and usually unaware of my NVLD symptoms, my reaction times are quicker, I am more alert, and I'm simply smarter and more productive. Then when my nutrition is out of whack, that's when problems occur. I eventually got so mad over my nutrition, that as a teenaged male, usually the last people who wanna learn to cook, I learned to cook myself, and would even spend my allowance to buy healthy food. Now I'm a pretty damned good cook, most people think I'm very good. But, it came out of...that. Out of my mother, unwittingly, being nutritionally negligent with me. I'd have to be crazy to hook myself up with a person who I'd be unequally yoked nutritionally and healthwise with, after seeing all the consequences of that first hand. So it's not just an issue of aesthetics, it's a much much deeper issue than just that.

As I posted earlier, I actually do think eating habits are an important compatbility factor, not that someone has to start on the same plane as you, but they should be willing to go there. In a marriage, you eat together, and feed kids together.

Sorry your mom didn't know how to feed you in a healthy way.

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scubasteve
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13 May 2012, 12:56 am

Would I dump someone who got fat? Well, it depends...

Someone who got fat despite dieting and trying her best to live a healthy lifestyle? Absolutely not.

Someone who got fat eating fast food and has a lousy attitude about it (like poopylungstuffing just described)? Yes. In a heartbeat.

And just FYI... I know people twice my weight who do not eat half as much as I do. There is more to it than just diet and exercise.

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13 May 2012, 12:59 am

mds_02 wrote:

DW_a_mom wrote:

rabbittss wrote:

DW_a_mom wrote:

Why is it the speaker's fault if the listener jumps to false conclusions?

I am asking him to be sensitive to a very real problem. It shouldn't matter whose fault it is, it just "is."

Like I said earlier, my daughter, so thin I have to take in most of the clothes we buy, is starting to worry about being fat. She is 11 years old! if you can't see from that that there is a problem, then I don't know what could make you see it.

I won't deny this whole area is an emotional one for me, I've already said so.

And I think my husband and I made a very fair deal: I don't comment on his going bald, and he doesn't comment on my gaining weight over the years. I love that man!

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rabbittss
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13 May 2012, 1:02 am

Then I suggest you start limiting what media your daughter is exposed to. Perhaps start by canceling any women's magazine subscriptions you get, and blocking MTV..

Oh, I bet you don't like being told how to raise your children?

Well I don't like being told what I can and cannot say.

We will not do either to the other, fair enough?

mds_02
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13 May 2012, 1:15 am

DW_a_mom wrote:

mds_02 wrote:

DW_a_mom wrote:

rabbittss wrote:

DW_a_mom wrote:

Why is it the speaker's fault if the listener jumps to false conclusions?

I am asking you to be sensitive to a very real problem. It shouldn't matter whose fault it is, it just "is."

Like I said earlier, my daughter, so thin I have to take in most of the clothes we buy, is starting to worry about being fat. She is 11 years old! if you can't see from that that there is a problem, then I don't know what could make you see it.

I won't deny this whole area is an emotional one for me, I've already said so.

And I think my husband and I made a very fair deal: I don't comment on his going bald, and he doesn't comment on my gaining weight over the years. I love that man!

But it does matter whose fault it is. That's whose responsibility it is to fix it. Telling a bunch of guys whose only crime was being honest about their preferences (only one of whom spoke of overweight people in a negative way) that it is their fault your daughter worries about being fat is not just harsh, but untrue.

Sorry she feels that way, but how will me pretending to be attracted to people I'm not help her? I'm not the media, I'm not out there telling women they have to look a certain way, I'm just saying that there are only certain ones that I like. Nor am I brainwashed by the media into believing that anything over a size 0 makes you a whale. I have perfectly reasonable and realistic standards for what sizes I am attracted to. There's no one out there gonna be helped by modifying my behavior or speech.

edgewaters
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13 May 2012, 1:19 am

mds_02 wrote:

There's no one out there gonna be helped by modifying my behavior or speech.

You must be joking.

Are you seriously telling me you see no difference between:

"I would never sleep with one of those aspie-types, they are horridly awkward, real social losers"

and

"I'm not attracted to aspies, but that's just me."

???

spongy
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13 May 2012, 1:20 am

The discussion was great but it seems to be getting more heated post after post and its now bordering personal attacks...
This is a popular thread so I assume that you want it to remain open for a while still, in that case I recommend trying to reread your posts before hitting submit or trying to get some fresh air and then coming back to the computer before hitting submit.

mds_02
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13 May 2012, 1:24 am

edgewaters wrote:

mds_02 wrote:

There's no one out there gonna be helped by modifying my behavior or speech.

You must be joking.

Are you seriously telling me you see no difference between:

"I would never sleep with one of those aspie-types, they are horridly awkward, real social losers"

only one person in this thread spoke about people this way.

Quote:

and

"I'm not attracted to aspies, but that's just me."

???

everyone else did pretty much this, including me, and still got lumped in with that one person.

Edit: i mean, she's the one who can't seem to see the difference

Last edited by mds_02 on 13 May 2012, 1:26 am, edited 1 time in total.

edgewaters
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13 May 2012, 1:25 am

mds_02 wrote:

only one person in this thread spoke about people this way.

That's not the point. Do you see a difference, or not? If yes, then you DO agree that how one chooses to speak and what attitudes one embraces, do actually impact other people.

mds_02
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13 May 2012, 1:40 am

edgewaters wrote:

mds_02 wrote:

only one person in this thread spoke about people this way.

That's not the point. Do you see a difference, or not? If yes, then you DO agree that how one chooses to speak and what attitudes one embraces, do actually impact other people.

yeah, but what I said was that changing my behavior and speech wasn't gonna help anyone.

I'm not bashing overweight people here. All I'm saying is that I have certain preferences. I'm not saying that people need to meet those preferences to be worthwhile human beings. Nor am I saying that other's preferences are wrong.

So how, exactly, would it help anyone if I were to pretend to be attracted to those I'm not?

Edit: look at my posts and tell me where, exactly, I've said anything that could in any way be taken as insulting toward overweight people.

All I've done is tell the truth in a non-insulting manner. Because of that, I've been accused of being brainwashed by the media, and accused of contributing to the self-esteem issues of young girls across the nation. I think people are placing blame for their own issues in the wrong place.

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13 May 2012, 1:55 am

rabbittss wrote:

I don't get any women's magazines and she doesn't watch MTV. I do my best to teach her healthy body image. But I cannot control what she hears at school, from other kid's, who hear things from who knows where, now can I?

Let me tell you something in your own self-interest: most women I've known have wanted to know that the guy they marry will stick with them when they get old, fat from pregnancy, or who knows what. And most women I know will not date men who they have already concluded they could never marry. So when you project intolerance for the changes of life, or for women outside of your standards, you actually hurt your own case. No matter how fit a woman is and hopes to stay, she is likely to want to believe that your relationship is built on something deeper.

When I was teaching aerobics, all sorts of men wanted to date me. It was fun at first, but I soon realized I didn't want to date THEM, because I could't be sure I'd always meet the standards they felt so free to express around me, and I didn't get the sense they were interested in me as a person nearly as much as they were interested in what they thought I represented, and how I looked. So beware, that languae is unattractive to most women I know, and if you hold onto it, you limit your prospects, even among those you think will always meet your standards.

I totally understand that you want to feel attracted to someone you are with, everyone wants that, and it is important, but it is only a small piece of developing something real and lasting, so don't let the way you project it become the make or break of your dating life.

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13 May 2012, 2:01 am

mds_02 wrote:

edgewaters wrote:

mds_02 wrote:

only one person in this thread spoke about people this way.

That's not the point. Do you see a difference, or not? If yes, then you DO agree that how one chooses to speak and what attitudes one embraces, do actually impact other people.

I think when you focus on how important exercise and healthy eating are to you, you score a win with women AND get what you want. When you focus on the physical manifestation of that, it bothers people. Pretty simple change to make, it is just how you present it, and you have a compelling personal story on why good eating habits are important to you.

I didn't mean to accuse you, specifically, of anything, and I am sorry if it came off that way. But I do want to encourage you to change your words, because it actually makes a difference.

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13 May 2012, 2:09 am

DW_a_mom wrote:

When I was teaching aerobics, all sorts of men wanted to date me. It was fun at first, but I soon realized I didn't want to date THEM, because I could't be sure I'd always meet the standards they felt so free to express around me, and I didn't get the sense they were interested in me A's a person nearly as much as they were interested in what they thought I represented, and how I looked.

hallelujah! i still have pictures of myself on FB of me at my biggest (morbidly obese), and if a man wouldn't date me like that (or like i was at 100lb 20 years ago) then he shouldn't date me now. because i am that same person, just in a different package.

i have been lucky to have good judgement in my long-term relationships. the man i married loved me and made me feel sexy even when i weighed 2.5 times more than i did initially (100lb to 250ish). he helped me to love and appreciate my new self, and that was honestly a help to me when my health suffered. i was not one of the lucky people who can be obese and healthy - i had pre-existing health problems that were exacerbated by my weight. so i had to get thinner.

but my husband's love and attraction helped me because he never once judged me or thought i should lose weight for any reason. it was my decision and he stood by me while i made it. his support of me (without EVER suggesting or implying i should lose weight) helped me to gain the self esteem that i needed in order to ultimately take the pounds off. because here is the clincher: a person who hates themselves when fat is pretty likely to hate themselves when thin. so when people promote the idea that fat people should dislike themselves are doing obese individuals a massive disservice.

now, with bucephalus, he made it clear to me that he was fine with me at any size because our relationship is not about that. he has seen my old facebook pictures and it just isn't an issue. i will never get that big again because my health would be at risk, but that is not the point - the point is that he loves me no matter what.

(one other point - a person who loses weight to keep a mate happy will resent that mate on a very deep level. i can pretty much guarantee that suggesting that a partner should lose weight is going to cause some very bad feelings, because people don't exist to keep others happy. so when faced with an ultimatum like that (stated or implied), it will not go very well. but i guess some people don't care anyways because at least they won't be stuck with a fattie either way)

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