"You need to work on yourself!"

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That is probably the biggest cop-out statement someone can make when you're trying to explain what you're going through to them, and it's annoying as all get out. They might think they mean well by saying it, but they have no idea how bad it can hurt to have your problems just swept to the side like that.

Only if the explanation itself is the goal, and not a resolution.

If people want attention and sympathy, there is The Haven. If they want solutions, then they can post almost anywhere else.

In fact, posting in any subforum except The Haven is a direct implication that the poster is not merely seeking attention, but a solution.

So, "You need to work on yourself" is an appropriate response to a post in any sub-forum except The Haven, especially when the single most common factor in a lifetime of failure is the person who experienced those failures.

Except that whenever I do post here, my detractors don't offer advice but attack me instead. Even some of the mods are my detractors themselves.

Plenty of people have offered you advice though that you haven't taken. Have you implemented any advice that anyone here has given you?

@TGI: Most of what passes for advice (e.g., "Recommendation regarding a decision or course of conduct") is ignored in favor of self-serving and insincere flattery meant to draw attention to the 'advisor'.

Who has given self-serving and insincere flattery in order to gain attention for themselves?

Hey, I like the attention when I can get it.

The best kind of attention is when someone actually LISTENS, does what I say, and WINS. But I’ll accept whatever I can get.

Look around. Where you see flattery (i.e., "I think you're okay", et cetera) or "cold comfort" (see below) instead of advice (i.e., "Try a little after-shave", et cetera), it's a fair bet that it was posted due to a lack of sincere interest in problem resolution and a desire to been perceived as "nice".

Of course, I could be wrong ...

Amen, brother! Preach it!

The person who told me to seek counter culture told me to look for the stoners, attend a barter faire, and dance with the Wiccans. There is no stoner culture where I live unless you count the redneck and hip-hoppers but it wouldn't be like hippie culture, barter faires are unheard of in my area, and the Wiccan population here is practically nonexistent.

Last edited by Marknis on 27 Nov 2018, 10:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Seconded.

What was that for? He's not one of my detractors.

Offering advice doesn’t mean it’s good or will work.
I could offer the advice to just man up to physical disabled people but they can’t.
I’ve been offered lots of horrible advice on this site only then to be complained because I don’t tske their advice they won’t work.

If you think him being condescending about you not taking his or others advice is supporting you then you’re naive.
He’s complaining about you.

No, the point is if something isn't working in your life and you point-blankly refuse to change anything to improve upon your situation, then you can't reasonably expect your situation to change. Mark doesn't have to take all of the advice given here. He doesn't even need to take my advice specifically, but the fact is a lot of people have offered up advice to him on this site, and I don't see any evidence that he's implemented any of it as of yet. If I'm wrong about that though, I'm happy to be corrected.

It seems that you and Mark are in similar situations in that you want changes in your love lives, but you aren't particularly keen on making changes on your own lives that will give you a higher chance of finding it, despite the fact that your approaches so far have yielded little in way if results. I do wonder whether executive dysfunction plays a role, in that you want to change certain things that have been recommended but have difficulty figuring out how to go about it. I know that all-or-nothing thinking is part of asperger's and something that I've witnessed both of you dabble in fairly often (I'm guilty of it too). It's either this way or that way. I can't exercise at my gym because it takes too long so I won't exercise at all, not even at home. I can't get a girlfriend so why bother caring about my health at all?

All-or-nothing thinking can be quite destructive in the wrong circumstances (though can contribute to perfectionism in the right circumstances).

Another thing I've noticed with both of you is you have difficulty viewing things from the perspective of a woman. Like it might not bother you that you're overweight, but might that hinder a woman's ability to be physically attracted to you, specifically one who takes care of her own body? You might be ok being broke and unable to do things that more financially stable people can do, but is that a world that women want to enter? Again, particularly those who can afford to do nice things for themselves. The emphasis with you guys largely seems to be around what you want and what would make you happy, which is natural to a degree (and something I've struggled with in the past), but I also notice that when posting on love and dating posts, regardless of the topic, your point of emphasis seems to be around yourself and your own difficult experiences with love. Again, when it's something like that that occupies so much mental energy, I can see why you'd want to talk about it, but I seldom see either of you offer practical advice to someone on this subforum. Generally your posts on other people's topics are about yourself. Lunch is over so I might add more later.

I've also noticed this, and not only with the "I can't get a girlfriend" crowd. It's the prevalent attitude with the "I can't get a job", and the "I'm homeless" crowds, as well. They all complain about their particular situations, and then reject every bit of advice that they have asked for, mainly because they would have to change and behave like their enemies. I see it on this and other websites, at work, at church, and down at the homeless shelter -- always an excuse, and always with the pretense of higher personal integrity.

The trouble is, their enemies are their enemies mainly because those enemies are successful in doing what the complainers wish they could do -- i.e., get a girlfriend, get a job, get a place to live, et cetera. It's only after the fact that the complainers label their enemies as enemies, and only so they can distance themselves from success in a righteous manner.

[example]

"The only reason he's successful is because he's a jerk, and girls/employers/landlords all like jerks because they are all jerks themselves, and I don't want to be a jerk."

[/example]

It's pride. False pride. They seem to want to project a false image of "I am a Martyr to Integrity" to hide the reality of their "I don't want to, and you can't make me" core reality.