Everyone expects me to marry my aspie friend

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Enjoy being alone for the rest of your life seeing as how you've basically concluded no one will ever be good enough for you.

Bit harsh, don't you think? I agree with the poster; fake friends are a pain in the ass. My current bf was a friend, and he admitted he fancied me for ages, but he also stayed my friend when I started going out with another guy. which is why I don't count him as a typical 'nice guy' (who drop you when you show no sexual interest in them).

Raisedbyignorance, I really think you're just going to have to bite the bullet and say to you friend "listen stop with the cutey names, they're nauseating. I'm your friend not your girlfriend".

Thing is, Lene, is that she all but said so herself here.

That said, this guy is a creep. He's giving you nightmares? Time to stop being polite. He's no friend, he's a user. I'd say telling him both you're not interested and to leave you alone would be a good start.

No I don't think it is because she completely chose to ignore my suggestion and threw it straight back in my face and decided to basically tarnish all men with the same brush. It's attitudes like that which get women a 'heartless b***h' reputation (im not for a second saying she is but thats what some will end up thinking) she doesn't even know for sure if he fancies her or not. If she asks him out and he then turns around and says no (which I think he would if he was going to ask her out he would have done it already) then she has nothing to worry about and her mind will be at ease. and if he says yes, then she can just tell him that she doesnt like him in that away and that she only asked so she knew how he really felt. Then shes got the message accross to him. problem solved.

As usual the majority on here have just made an unproven conclusion and given the easy answer. Some people really need to get off their high horses.

I thought I made it VERY CLEAR in the very first post of this thread that I did not as you want to say "fancy" him. Which was why I saw your suggestion a bit mocking and ridiculous.

And wouldnt asking him out on a date when I'm not interested in him be more hurtful to him? I dont think it's worth the risk if he says yes and I end up unitentionally leading him on.

Indeed they do. NOBODY? Lies. People can go much longer. The longer they go the more doubt is there though.

As far as the whole situation goes. Everyone seems so one sided to this. Its probably best to wait it out and aim to spend more time with girls that are friends and other guys. Just tell him he isn't your type when the time comes to do so. He won't get mad and even if he does it won't last forever. He might also be sad about it, but he will still care. Eventually it will sink in and he will understand. He will start looking for other people and still wish for you to be his friend.

I am a guy. I know it can be hard to crush on someone for years and never tell them. Probably still won't tell them. 9 Years. Although I do feel better about it now though. I feel more open to idea of other girls than just the one I had a crush on. Always want her to be my friend, but I know she doesn't think anything else of me.

I suggested that the OP start hanging out with other people on page 1. So I don't think I'm so one sided on this. Also, there's definitely no guarantee that the friend will stick around after the OP lets him down (hopefully gently).

To the OP: there's no easy way out of this situation. You said earlier that you have no plans for a confrontation, but you are not doing your friend a service by allowing him to continue living some kind of fantasy if he actually does have feelings for you. The sooner you tell him, the less time wasted for both of you, and he'll be able to find somebody else. What is it exactly that you fear, that you will lose him as a friend? Are you more dependent on him, than he is on you? In your original post you mentioned that he hangs out with bunches of other people, but you just have him. I think he'll be able to get over it if you confront him and he feels like moving on. My question is: can you?

Just say you're lesbian?
maybe that would help? lol

Another thing is, well, you might not like it, but try to change your image then, so you dont match his "profile" get shorter hair?

I think the main thing to do is remember that television has all the answers. Someone earlier wondered how might the OP feel if her guy friend began dating another girl. I think Family Matters is very instructive here. Laura Winslow NEVER EVER let on that she would have the slightest attraction to Steve Urkel. But after awhile, Steve began to date the voluptuous Myra Boutros Boutros Monkhouse. Eventually, there may have been some jealousy on Laura's part! In the interim she didn't have to confront these feelings b/c she at least had Steve's body in the form of his cool and suave altar ego, Stefan Urquelle. But here's the catch. Eventually, Stefan became a hotshot model in Europe. And Laura's heart began to open up to the possibility of loving her friend, Steven Q. Urkel. And eventually, the two got married! And yes, at one time the two of them may have been nothing more than "perfect strangers" (LULZ only the diehard family matters fans and trivia buffs will get this not so subtle reference!!) but in time it became more than a feeling. R.I.P. Michelle Thomas.

It's not the OP's fault if this gentleman in her life fancies her. It's not her duty to set him straight, he's never asked her out son! Now if for her own ease she would prefer to broach the subject in a polite way and indicate/insinuate that there will never ever be a romantic relationship between the two of them, there is nothing wrong with this either. Someone said something earlier about throwing little hints out there which can also make the point. I like this approach as well. "it's nice to have a guy friend that I can just be friends with and hang out with." "If you ever decide to date a woman exclusively hopefully she won't mind the two of us staying friends." And so on

I wasn't trying to mock you, I was trying to give you a soultion by tackling the problem from a completely different angle. But well done for completely missing the point. What makes you think he would say yes anyway, he hasn't asked you out, he hasn't tried it on. Did you not even stop to think that when he said he liked girls that 'matched your profile' he may have been winding you up (you did say he jokes about everything) Im sorry but where's the evidence for this assumption you've made on your friend. I for one can't see any. You've got no solid proof to back up anything your saying

To me this sounds like one of two things.

1. Deep down you do have feelings for him but cannot bring yourself to admit it

or

2. Your bored of him as a friend and now just want an excuse to get rid of him.

and Im sorry if that sounds harsh but Im just giving you my honest viewpoint.

Last edited by Daemonic-Jackal on 25 Sep 2009, 6:35 am, edited 2 times in total.

I'm sorry, but I don't think we can blame this guy for the actions of the OP's subconscious.

IMO, you might want to say something next time you feel he's pushing the friends-boundary. Question his motives. Given how long you've known each other and he hasn't made an overt move, he may not actually fancy you. As people have said, maybe some of those compliments are courtesy compliments. Maybe gifts from holidays are just souvenirs?

i know i definitely don't feel this way, and if i met a male aspie that was just like me, i might fall in love. i love my time alone, but i know for sure that i do seek a companion to spend my life with.

I didn't see anything in her posts about not wanting to be his friend anymore. She's correct in saying that going on a date with someone she doesn't want to be with would be cruel; it'd be needlessly getting his hopes up. Beyond that, it'd be messing up what appears to be a decent friendship.

I think her concern is perfectly justified; he's open about being attracted to females of a certain type (which she fits), is comfortable enough to talk about deeper issues with her, and spends a lot of time with her, despite having other friends. Just because they've been friends for around 8 years doesn't mean he's been attracted to her for all that time; it could be something that's developed somewhat recently. Also, since he's on the spectrum, he's not likely to approach the matter in the same way as others might.

Raisedbyignorance, since this is clearly bothering you (as evidenced by the nightmares), I suggest just asking him outright if he likes you. You might be surprised. As someone pointed out, when most females say something about their perceived physical flaws, others will offer up a compliment (even if you didn't mean it like that, it's how people are trained by this point), so there's that. And it could just be he's so comfortable with you that he considers you to be something like a sister and that's why he's so open with you. He may have a crush on you, or he may not. You're both on the spectrum, so hopefully the lack of tact won't be an issue.

As for your family, I wouldn't worry about that. My parents teased me about marrying various boys for a long time, and then the moment I got into a relationship, my mother went from teasing about marriage to sincerely worried about me eloping randomly. If you've expressed to them that you don't intend to marry him, they may just be bringing it up in fun, as it's clearly a nerve spot.

It's called reading between the lines. She wants a way out of the friendship and the easiest and best excuse possible is if her friend fancies her (which again I state she has no solid proof of being true, all if her 'evidence' is just trivial)

Besides what you said could easily be seen from the opposite perspective as well, if he really wanted her that much, dyou really think he'd be so open and honest? I doubt it, if anything he'd be treading round each topic of conversation very carefully.

my bad i thought i was making my own thread, but it ended up as a comment within this thread. LMAO

Honestly if you had asked if there was a way to find out definitively if he actually likes you without saying it, i'd have said yes.

But a way to make it clear that you don't want to be with him without actually saying it? Yeah, but it'd involve being a jerk, being mean and is waaay more likely to end your friendship then flatout saying "I'm not interested in you like that" ever would.

I hear you when you say you don't want to risk the friendship, but if thats the case, climb out of your comfort zone and politely tell him that you're just looking for friendship with him, that he's one of your good friends (If I believe correctly, the only person you're hanging out with right now) and that you don't want to risk that.

Honestly if he doesn't want to be friends after that, he was never a true friend to begin with. It honestly is just a tough situation where you have to bite the bullet and is one of the many negotiations people have to deal with in relationships.

Settle for what you have, or risk it for a more fulfilling friendship with this guy.