Success at love

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duke666
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12 Aug 2009, 3:11 pm

Quote:

I've always felt marriage is forever, and as an aspie, how does one gauge the future behavior of another person? We, as a rule, are inept at predicting, or even understanding, the behavior of other people. That in large part is what makes us aspies.

Maybe we expect and want more predictability, and are more loyal, than NTs. When I think about my partner, he is exactly who is, regardless of behavioural changes over time. And that's how I want people to think about me. Does this make sense?

By the way, he took the Aspie Quiz, the one with the radial graph, and if you add his scores and mine together for each ray, you get almost a perfect circle. That might be part of why the relationship works.

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makuranososhi
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12 Aug 2009, 3:33 pm

n4mwd wrote:

I feel the same way. I prefer living alone. That's part of my AS. I would be a nervous wreck if I had to live with someone else. I tried the roommate thing in college and it totally drove me nuts.

But as far as my original answer that was twisted out of proportion, I'm only saying that a guy who is interested in pursuing a relationship should not ignore interested girls who aren't hotties. If you are ignoring the lardbuckets that like you, because you are waiting for a hottie to come along and like you, you might be in for a long wait.

A guy's attractiveness plays a very important role. Attractiveness is not the same as good looks, but looks play a big part. Attractiveness is composed of many variables, here they are in order of importance:

1. Money/wealth/good and stable job.
2. Spontaneous Smile.
3. Face.
4. Good Personality.
5. Hair.
6. Physique (Fat=Bad, Toned muscles=Good).
7. Nice Clothes.
8. Intelligence.

Note that some are more easily improved than others. Also, a spontaneous smile does not mean "Good teeth". A person can have a great smile and have ugly, rotten, worm infested teeth. Likewise, a guy with perfect teeth can have a lousy smile.

But know that your overall attractiveness will get you the first date, but a good personality is much more important to get the second date.

Also, there are more than a few guys out there that had happy marriages when they had a nice house and a good paying job. But when they get layed off and their home gets foreclosed, suddenly their wives file for divorce. That is why #1 is what it is above.

First, please knock off with the insulting language regarding weight. Completely unnecessary.

Second, your list of attraction is in order? For who? You? Me? Bob Dole? I am in complete disagreement with both the criteria selected and the order they are placed in.

Third, marriages rarely fall apart because of a job loss. A relationship which is solely defined by the ability of one person to provide materially for the other, yes - that could fall apart. But that isn't necessarily a marriage... it can be, and it can be what a marriage turns into, but there is no correlation.

Fourth, I agree with you that people who have artificial and externally directed standards for their mates have put themselves as a disadvantage. Such superficial nonsense can keep one from learning about themselves and about others.

M.

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ManErg
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17 Aug 2009, 6:53 am

n4mwd wrote:

I'm only saying that a guy who is interested in pursuing a relationship should not ignore interested girls who aren't hotties. If you are ignoring the lardbuckets that like you, because you are waiting for a hottie to come along and like you, you might be in for a long wait.
......

A guy's attractiveness plays a very important role. Attractiveness is not the same as good looks, but looks play a big part. Attractiveness is composed of many variables, here they are in order of importance:

1. Money/wealth/good and stable job.
2. Spontaneous Smile.
3. Face.
4. Good Personality.
5. Hair.
6. Physique (Fat=Bad, Toned muscles=Good).
7. Nice Clothes.
8. Intelligence.

Spot the hypocrite.

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billsmithglendale
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17 Aug 2009, 12:28 pm

ManErg wrote:

n4mwd wrote:

Spot the hypocrite.

I'd say this list needs to be reprioritized.

Women under 25 - greater focus on looks, but personality counts, job isn't as important because of youth (not many 25 and under guys have great careers going)
1. Face.
2. Hair.
3. Good Personality.
4. Physique (Fat=Bad, Toned muscles=Good).
5. Intelligence.
6. Nice Clothes.
7. Spontaneous Smile.
8. Money/wealth/good and stable job.

Women over 25 - resources and personality win out over looks, women want a guy who will have kids with them, support those kids, and not cheat on them.

1. Money/wealth/good and stable job.
2. Intelligence.
3. Good Personality.
4. Nice Clothes.
5. Spontaneous Smile.
6. Face.
7. Hair.
8. Physique (Fat=Bad, Toned muscles=Good).

LePetitPrince
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17 Aug 2009, 12:35 pm

anna-banana wrote:

ZEGH8578 wrote:

ToadOfSteel wrote:

n4mwd wrote:

Also, don't be upset if you end up with a fat lardbucket. Emotional compatibility is far more important. If you want to look at hot women, buy a playboy. If you want a good relationship, find a girl that can tolerate your aspie oddities.

Yup. You have to find a woman that actually likes you back.

For some of us, that's a nigh impossible task...

i dont get that hollywood mentality

so, for her to like you she MUST be "a fat lardbucket"?

W H Y?

"if you want to look at hot women, buy a playboy" <--- an insult to everyone. men and women, aspies and NT, and everyone participating in this thread. so insulting, i am tempted to snap back, but ill get moderator warnings for such.
HORRIBLE thing to say, basically.

I agree with Z. its posts like this that make this subforum really annoying

n4mwd's advice was good, I don't understand all this attack against him.

There's some truth in his post.

ToadOfSteel
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17 Aug 2009, 1:46 pm

I wasn't attacking him... I was actually agreeing with him...

There seems to be a misunderstanding here: "Don't be surprised if you end up in love with a fat woman" doesn't necessarily mean "you can only love fat women"... it's not a mutually exclusive thing...

My comment was about the fact that no relationship is going to last if the woman doesn't like you back (if it ever started at all)... and then I mentioned that some people (like me) are never going to get into relationships at all for that very reason...

Janissy
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17 Aug 2009, 1:49 pm

billsmithglendale wrote:

ManErg wrote:

n4mwd wrote:

Spot the hypocrite.

A very reasonable re-prioritizing of the list and dividing it into younger and older. It isn't ironclad (nothing ever is) nor does it apply to everyone, but these two lists are a lot more on the mark, specifically in the way that looks and job stability flip-flop in importance with age. The broody, handsome poet is great when you're 21. When you're 31, you want him to get up off the couch and use those writing skills for pay- a copy editor? a speech writer for politicians? something. anything. just get up off the dang couch. Everybody loses their looks as they age. It's part of the package and just fine. Women as they age aren't necessarily looking for wealth as such. After all, men in the lower income brackets seem to get married with no problems. It's more the attitude towards work- the idea that you ought to be either doing something (even if that something is taking care of the kids as a househusband) or looking to do something. In this economy lots of men have lost jobs without losing wives along with that. It's more about the attitude than the actual paycheck. The attitude that looked so hot at 21 ("I'm just too cool to worry about any of that") just looks lazy in the older years. But middle aged spread and thinning hair- not a problem.

Janissy
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17 Aug 2009, 2:00 pm

ToadOfSteel wrote:

I hope you will read and take to heart the responses in the "despair" thread. You got lots of great advice in that thread and following it would, I think, change your life for the better. Just saying...

Fiz
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17 Aug 2009, 2:03 pm

n4mwd wrote:

Waiting is a bad idea especially for aspies. If you wait, things will only get harder.

I have found this to be true, as you get more experience talking to and interacting with the opposite sex. I generally went for less serious relationships first to build up my confidence before getting serious. What I mean by less serious is being with someone but not anticipating that you are going to spend the rest of your life with them. In other words, it starts off as a convenience relationship for both parties, but without it just being a casual relationship. But then, depending on the person, others prefer to wait. I think when you are in your late teens/early twenties you should go for a less serious relationship to begin with as you can get good practice in for the real thing later on. At least when you are this young, you have plenty of time to practice, and you may as well enjoy it.

n4mwd wrote:

Most guys are at their peak of physical attractiveness at age 17-20.

I disagree, but then I am attracted to older guys as opposed to guys my age or younger.

n4mwd wrote:

Also, don't be upset if you end up with a fat lardbucket.

Charming

n4mwd wrote:

Emotional compatibility is far more important. If you want to look at hot women, buy a playboy. If you want a good relationship, find a girl that can tolerate your aspie oddities.

Agreed, although they might not necessarily be fat lardbuckets, they might be 'playboy' material. You never know, but the advice on finding someone based on emotional compatibility was good.

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KittenWithAWhip
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17 Aug 2009, 7:58 pm

Since when are the only options lardbucket or hottie? Seems to me there is a pretty wide span in between called "average". Like, I dunno, most of the population.

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PhilipWHolland
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24 Aug 2009, 5:22 pm

I think that "playboy bunny" and "lardbucket" are extremely apt terms, as far as theoretical postulation goes. That is what we're up to, and what we're best at, right? The issue at hand is compromising on your original physical standards in order to fulfill your romantic aspirations.

If you are offended because you are an average woman, you might want to just get out there and try to act noticeable, because guys notice women, average women are commonly approached in all social scenes, at the bar, on the train, at the supermarket. Guys, however, are pressured to do the approaching. The OP represents the lonely average aspie male, the females aren't in such a predicament, for (a pair of) obvious reasons.

If that doesn't work, then you might be in denial over being a lardbucket. :roll:

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Space
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28 Aug 2009, 12:06 pm

ToadOfSteel wrote:

n4mwd wrote:

Yup. You have to find a woman that actually likes you back.

For some of us, that's a nigh impossible task...

That's kind of a fatalist attitude. I don't think AS guys should be expecting to get the creme of the crop, but I don't see why we should be condemned to "fat lardbuckets"... At this stage of life, I'm not quite sure what emotional compatibility is. I feel I don't connect on an emotional level with most people my age (let alone women) because we have had very different life experiences.

I have noticed though, that more good looking women liked me when I was younger, now they get fed up with me very quickly because they are in their prime and looking for something I am not providing them with.

English_Chick_21
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Joined: 24 Feb 2009
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29 Aug 2009, 2:01 am

hey
i no i am only young but yes i have found love with a guy and :heart:
he is sweet, kind and just the most amazing person.

AJY
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Joined: 27 Aug 2009
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29 Aug 2009, 2:38 am

Quote:

A guy's attractiveness plays a very important role. Attractiveness is not the same as good looks, but looks play a big part. Attractiveness is composed of many variables, here they are in order of importance:

1. Money/wealth/good and stable job.
2. Spontaneous Smile.
3. Face.
4. Good Personality.
5. Hair.
6. Physique (Fat=Bad, Toned muscles=Good).
7. Nice Clothes.
8. Intelligence.

Wouldn't life be easy if this was true? I'd really wish this was the case.
Take #1 for example. Do you realize that making lots of money is actually far easier than changing almost any aspect of personality or physique you're born with? It is a very straighforward goal that anybody can achieve. If only it mattered even one bit...
#5 and #7 are also easily correctable aspects if there is a deficiency. Even if you have no clue how to dress and the kind of haircut that works, you can always find somebody to help you.
#6 is the same as #1, takes discipline and is straighforward.

You probably know perfectly well that the traits above do not guarantee attractiveness or success in relationships. On the countrary, any Aspie weirdness comes in sharper contrast if you have all the traits above.

If you observe guys who have no relationship problems, you'll find all kinds of people with all kings of flaws and deficiencies. I've seen countless hotties involved with total jerks who have zero intelligence, no job, completely out of shape, etc...

Wemen are attracted to men unconsiously by their feelings and non-verbal communication channels. The things above... are only good for telling her mother.

PhilipWHolland
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Age: 37
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29 Aug 2009, 6:10 pm

Quote:

On the countrary, any Aspie weirdness comes in sharper contrast if you have all the traits above.

I couldn't have put it better myself.

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