What do you do when a girl you aren't attracted to likes you

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It isn't wrong. It's just short sighted. If you see dates purely as stepping stones to a committed relationship, of course you wouldn't go on one with somebody you wouldn't want to be in a committed relationship with. But if you step out of that tunnel, a date can be an opportunity for you to learn how to interact with women on a date. Unless women feel pressured for sex, they won't be infuriated by a man who just goes on one date with them. One thing women really don't like is pressure (and this is one place where I suspect AS women and NT women can agree). If pressure is missing, whether it is pressure to have sex or pressure to say "yes, I want to be your girlfriend", women relax and you can learn how to relax yourself. NT men do this all the time. THIS is their actual secret, not being alpha males (which the vast majority of them aren't).

I've been on a couple of dates where I was just pressured into it. It really gives you a chance to act like a gentleman even when you don't really care. From experience, it's a good skill to have.

I for one wouldn't go out on a date with a woman unless we were already in a relationship... it just feels too uncomfortable if I'm actually dating someone that isn't a girlfriend...

That's not to say that I wouldn't go out with a woman at all, but I wouldn't call it a date... if it's just two friends having dinner/going to the movies/whatever else might happen, it's precisely that; in other words, not a date...

No wonder so many relationships end in breakups... people start the dating process way too early... it doesn't give people enough time to get to know each other before the relationship starts...

I already did go out with her, and I didn't like it. You don't act the same when you want nothing to do with the person, so how is that going to teach you how to act when you do?

Whu?????? If you're not ALREADY in a romantic relationship, you don't consider it a date???? The rest of the world does! And this may be the root of your dating problem. Women ARE NOT
ARE NOT
ARE NOT going to wait until they are already in a relationship before they go on a date wuith a guy. And if they realize that the guy they are on a date with thinks this date signifies that they are in a relationship, they will head for the hills. I IMPLORE you to try to jettison this idea. As long as you think that date="we are now in a relationship", you will not be in a relationship because you are scaring women away with that kind of intensity. If you can recalibrate your mindset to see a "date" as" two opposite gender people doing something together for fun and it might lead somewhere and it might not", your success will improve. Ask out that quiet girl billsmithglendale was talking about, even if you aren't in love with her or see her as a potential mate. For al;l the men who looked right through me on account of my invisibility, I was always grateful and flattered by the ones who did ask me out anyway. Though naturally I only married one of them.

The reason so many relationships end in breakups is because relationships take practice and experience. Both my husband and I were in relationships prior to meeting. This was an assett for both of us. Not a liability. Every fail;ed relationship teaches you something essential you carry to the next relationship. If you don't go on a date until you are sure you want a relationship- you won't get in a relationship. And if you worry that no relationship should start if it might end, you also won't get in a relationship and you lose out on valuable experience.

You are taking all of this WAYYYY too seriously and I think it's scaring women off. They like your personality- thus the "friend zone", but find the whole concept of "I won't go on a date unless you will be my girlfriend" to be far too much pressure. They don't go there because women don't like to be pressured. The safest thing for them (us) to say is "no". So ease up on the p[ressure and start looking at dating as just a way to have fun and get to know somebody WITHOUT the expectation that you are now in a relationship.

So you're saying that we actually understand social worth at an intuitive level, but we don't see why it should be a barrier in finding partners. Interesting take on this idea. In my experience, I think I've always been somewhat decent at judging the social worth of others, but my own social worth has always been something basically ambiguous to me because I'm basically unable to make inferences from the physical behaviors involving facial expressions and body positioning others produce in response to my social behavior, so I have nothing to really use beyond the linguistic information they convey to me.

Unfortunately, language is much better characterized as a discrete system rather than something continuous like 'body language', therefore a ton of fine grained information is lost, which in turn makes natural language a somewhat impoverished medium to utilize to come to understand what a person really thinks about you (i.e. their actual judgment of your social worth). In addition, I think many aspies lack an awareness of their own body as evidenced by their weird coordination and general clumsiness. So while you might think you're just putting off "normal" signals (whatever that is), your body's movement and positioning maybe construed as unconfident by normal people and you have no way of intuitively correcting it, and even if you could somehow become of aware of what you needed to do, it might be very difficult because the brain circuits that coordinate body movement might be abnormal anyways (I don't know if any work has been done on this, it might be kind of neat to find out).

It seems to be the case that you can partially evade this problem temporarily by interacting with girls outside of your social group who know very little about you, but even then, they'll be able eventually infer your social standing somewhat quickly just based on your interactions with them. Then again, a significant amount of your social worth is already projected by your physical attractiveness, and from there, if you're not physically attractive, everything else is compensation for it (these compensatory aspects are what I think aspies are particularly bad at because the lion's share of them are social behaviors and often related to status). The fact of the matter, in my experience, is that if you don't seek after partners that basically match your actual social worth, you're dead in the water.

I swear to god you could probably quantify social worth pretty easily if you thought about this as this as a sort of static thing, but that isn't the whole picture. I think it also makes sense to think about part of attraction and dating as this culturally imprinted, extremely dynamic dance performed by humans that is some complex, prolonged version of this...
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6gAxbxxmYZ8[/youtube]

which I would have absolutely no idea how to quantify, but I think this is where things should be headed in terms of the science of this stuff.

/thread hijacking

In a role-playing game, you will not level without adventuring. In the real world, you will not get a date without talking, or a relationship without dating. Or a life partner without a relationship. IN THAT ORDER---OVER YEARS, with tons of failures. NT relationships fail all the time. NTs suffer heartbreak and disapointment all the time. Usualy with kids and devorce and social desieases and violence and dramma attached. And relatships that work are exactly that..work. It never stops.

Many people here have "learned helplessness" that comes from being disapointed. Experements with dogs show that if two dogs are rewarded for the same task, but one dog is given more treats for less work, the other dog will eventualy stop doing the task for treat. Many here are like that.

roadGames made a perfect statement of the problem. humans have a distorted view of themselves. We just have it worse. But we have advantages in social situations...we don't feel peer presure in the same way, which can make us seem bold. Think of dare-devil. He was blind, but he sensed motion. We have the same thing, if we learn to use it.

Think of social interaction as leveling yourself in a video game. Every male goes through what we go through, they just put more quarters in the game early, and learned this stuff when they were 8 years old. Each date is putting a quarter in the machine. You don't expect to defeat a coinop video game just because you put a quarter in once. You also don't expect to be good at every game. Think of talking to a girl as putting a quarter in a video game. Expect to lose the quarter for the experince of playing the video game. If you lose the quarter quickly, find a different video game and put a quarter in that one. One day, you will find a video game that gets to the next level (a date) on the first quarter. Then so on and so on and so on.

You can't take down a level 80 boss mob if your still level one. You can't get to level 80 without questing or grinding.

Oh simple:

Be nice, but show no interest.

You can't be too nice to women who you aren't attracted to because odds are, most other guys arent attracted either. So if you start being nice, it may look like interest, and you'll send the wrong message.
Also, this is kinda howyou have to do it with all girls, lord knows why, u have to show a little bit of interest to the girl u like, but not too much. It's so silly.
But if u like a girl, you should just not even try to talk to her, unless you guys already talk. If its a hot girl with flowing blonde hair and all that mess, you should not even approach her unless its for a reason, cuz she'll know that you like her and she'll start acting stupid.

this may be totally irrelevant, but i remember (when i was younger) a couple times having crushes. they came without reason, and i blush easily. what makes these two instances stand out for me is that neither of these guys brushed me off. One of them even went out of his way to be nice to me. He would even *ask me how i was doing in front of his friends*. This just impressed the hell out me. I knew he was out of my league (he was gay, i'm female) but he still took the effort to be nice. He let me know my attraction was flattering, and was kind about it. It showed a level of maturity, and perhaps confidence, that was incredibly refreshing.

I promised myself that i would do the same if the situations were reversed and i have.

i was about to say "be nice, but show no interest" <---exactly how you make a girl excited.......
but yes, as you pointed out, theres some ridiculous balance there. be nice, but not too nice, but not too mean, or she will love you to death and so on

btw, we got natural blondes up here, many of them are quite approachable ;]

i guess a blonde down in españalandia would be much more of a social message :]

Fart.

actually, thats quite brilliant, and im surprised _I_ didnt think of that before.

just be disgusting :]

I think you need to have one of those face-to-face and heart-to-heart conversations in which you explain to her that she's become fixated on you because she lost her last bf. Tell her you don't want to be a "rebound" relationship, but you're willing to be a friend. who knows, maybe a ceratin amount of affection will eventually grow out of friendship. If you have to you could use that old canard about "I think of you as a sister."

I can't pick up the signs so I'm not sure if there were any who may have liked me or not. Nevertheless, I'd play, we can just be friends card and hope that works. For me, I have a very easy way out of it. I could just tell her I don't want any girlfriends because I never had any anyways so it does look like I have no interest in dating. Actually I really don't but there are still girls I wish to be with if you catch my drift.

Man, this would be a hilarious thing to say to somebody.

I'll keep that in mind next time I'm in a situation where saying it won't cost me anything.

What I'm saying is that in my case, the fact that social worth plays a major role in who likes whom is something I was unaware of until very recently. At least, if I'm understanding what you mean by social worth correctly. The whole idea that, when you are judging whether you are interested in a particular other person, the relationship between either of you and any other people should matter at all, is still a quite foreign concept to me.

I'm thinking that I missed this concept so completely because I was always able to avoid interacting with groups unless I really wanted to. So, throughout nearly all of my childhood I either played alone or with specific people whom I had a specific connection to. Other people, possibly even aspies, would have been aware of this type of thinking at a much younger age.

Since I assumed (and I guess on some level still assume) that social worth was some vague kind of "meta"-property that only the innermost in-crowd had any intuitive conception of, and that would not have any bearing on one-on-one relationships, it never occurred to me to try to put myself on a social value scale. I've always placed myself outside of that system, and have assumed that the others I would have relationships with would do likewise.

In terms of sexual relationships, maybe the "proud, respectful sluts" I've been looking for not only must lack the typical female bonding instinct, but also must have grown up as blissfully ignorant of the social worth scale as I did--which in turn might make them hard to find by the usual method of pursuing friends of friends of friends...