Any ladies interested in long distance

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I think you misunderstood what I was saying. I was basically telling them that I am willing to do exactly what THEIR research is about, not mine. So, if that is the case, then OF COURSE they would be able to supervise me.

They didn't agree to let me work on THEIR research because the psychoanalysis of various things I previously told them implied I won't be "completely" happy about it. But *I* don't care about the luxury of being completely happy, so I am perfectly willing to do exactly what THEY do, regardless of how interesting or boring I find it. But, for some weird reason, they cared about my needs more than I did so they turned me down just so that I can keep looking until I find the "luxury" I was telling them I don't need.



But if one is desperate enough then he will do all that it takes in order NOT to cause any of the above problems. Just like with professors I was willing to do whatever their research is, no matter how boring, in the same way with women a desperate person will be able to force himself not to act desperate as one of his "desperate" attempts to keep her.

By the way, I am not being hypocritical here. I have been in a relatioship with my last girlfriend, Jennifer, for almost two years. While the first half a year I was with her for me, after that she became really sick, and the rest of a relationship I stayed with her mostly out of pity. Now, being sick is not a turn off; on the contrary I found it romantic to take care of someone sick. The turn off was something else, namely that she was objecting to my being overfocused on physics as much as I wanted to, and also that there were conflicts between her and my mom which I didn't want to face. So, basically, if she was healthy, I would have broken up with her a year and a half ago. But, because of that time when she was sick and I saw her struggles, I wanted to stay with her out of pity.

So I do see what you are saying. Basically, what dominated most of the relatioship is that I "forgot" to do various little things that would show her that I like her so I was constantly hurting her and never knew why. I perceived as if she put me under a lot of pressure. But now that I moved away to India and the situation fades away, I see that in the beginning of a relationship there were no less pressure than at the end. I was simply interpretting the same exact things we did differently: in the beginning it was "so great that we are going to go to a movie" while at the end it was "why is she constantly dragging me to all these movies". And it never occured to me that we went to exact same movie theater as before. I was totally sure that HER attitude towards me became bad, which I now see was not the case at all.

In fact in a recent discussion she poitned out that during the whole last year she sensed that I lost interest in her and she was trying to "win me back", so she did MORE nice things to me than before. For instance, she brought up how she took me to Russian restaurant during that "bad" time, which was a hundrid miles away (I am originally from Russia and I mentioned to her at some point that I miss Russian food). Yet, the link between the restaurant and her attempt to make relationship better I completely ignored. My only emotions associated with a restaurant was, first, that it is unfair that she takes me to eat Russian food and I didn't take her to eat German food (yet it never occured to me to actually go ahead and take her to eat German food) and also how bad it is that I had to be interrupted from the physics paper I was typing to go there. At the same time, anything and everything she did during the "good" time I completely miss and want desperately back, no matter how little and insignificant.

Still, the fact of a matter is that, whatever I have been thinking about Russian restaurant or any of the other tihngs that she did (such as helping me with powerpoint so I can do presentation in my ph.d. thesis), it was all in a completely different part of my brain from the part of the brain that was agonizing over how good the relatioship was in the beginning and how horrible it was now. I could be going to Russian restaurant or enjoying any other of the BIG things she did for me, while in my mind I was thinking about the previous year and how I miss all these little things she did a year before; the big things in front of me my mind was tossing out as irrelevent.

I am not sure, though, whether not liking her and staying with her out of pity is the only factor. It is my attitude towards life in general that anything in the past is better than now, for the simple reason that I was younger. In fact I would give anything to go to any of the time in the past, even though objectively right now I might be doing better than in a lot of previous years (there is one exception though: I would NEVER wish to go back to year 2006 when I was nearly expelled). It is also my general attitude that when I am "in the same situation" for too long I get bored with situation and it seems like too much routine and burden, while at the beginning it used to be excititng. It seems like one of the things that happened with my relationship with Jennifer.

As we were discussing this I admitted to her that I was staying with her out of pity a couple of months ago, and she became very angry and called me a "lier" since, from her point of view, I was "lying" to her that I was in love with her while I weren't. I never understood that. From my perspective, a lie is something that benefits me. So, when I am the one who enjoys a relatioship or wants to be in one, then yes it is conceivable that I lie. But in this case, I was so overwhelmed that, for the most part, I was wishing to be single. So my "lies" only benefitted her, not me.

Anyway, she broke up with me after I admitted that I dated her out of pity. While before I was looking forward for her breaking up with me, right now I feel bad about it since she just pointed out all the things she did that I did not see. So now I keep arguing with her to do all these things again and give me another chance to appreciate them, but she keeps insisting that she did it for over a year and now she is done.

I am not sure myself whether I want to be back with her or not, though. Because it might well happen that once I am back I would feel trapped again. I guess I just wish that the door was open in case I figure that I do want to go back.

I do see what you are saying. In fact, back in 2005 I met a girl in math class, without ever looking, her name was Anne. She was graduate student in math. Unfortunately, I blew it very quickly (you can see a post about it here http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt5922.html ) Even though was only seeing her for may be a month or so, I was obsessed about her ever since. I then had four subsequent relatiships after her (Andrea, Anita, Erin and Jennifer), and yet I couldn't fully enjoy any of them because I was still thinking about her.

I guess it is for the reason you suggest that we were actually in the same field, me in physics and her in mathematics. There were also a lot of other big and little things that seemed to overlap:

a) Me being in physics her in math (as mentioned)
b) We are both interested in jogging
c) I have Asperger and she has bipolar; and in light of this she related to me in many ways, she asked me does Asperger give me some inside into how shallow other people are. She then described similar inside she was gettning from her bipolar
d) We were both interested in studying mental disorders
e) The fact that she first went to University of Chicago, before she transferred to Micghian. And University of Chicago was a school of my dreams that I could never get into
f) She was German and I was a Jew, and, after becomming a Christian, I was hoping that if I were to date a German it would help me to undo my Jewishness
g) There was another girl, whose name was also Anne, whom my mom liked and I didn't. The second Anne had all the good qualities my mom praised a first Anne for and she came a week after first Anne told me not to contact her, which I find quite ironic. The first Anne was Jewish, the second one is German. This second Anne had the caring qualities my mom liked the first Anne for, and also she came exactly ONE WEEK after the first Anne told me not to contact her any more. So it really feels like God sent me a message "Roman, you are a Christian, you should not be dating a Jew; here, I will provide you with a girl who has identical attributes to the Jewish one, and who is German, so you can date her". It really felt that way, so it feels like a huge pity that I ruined something that God specifically provided me. Let me outline their similarities:

(i) I meet most of the girls online. However, both of these Anne's I met in person: the first Anne was my roommate while the second Anne was my classmate
(ii) The first Anne was also a graduate student. She was different from the second Anne in that she was a dentist rather than mathematician. But the second Anne did applications of math to medicine, which made them more similar.
(iii) Both first and second Anne were overly caring about my well-being, that I eat well, sleep well, etc. This distinguishes both of them from ALL other girls that I ever met
(iv) Both Anne's approached me FIRST, which again distinguishes them from all the other girls

I actually told my last girlfriend, Jennifer, from the very beginning of a relatioship that she was basically a replacement of second Anne, which makes her a third Anne if you will. Namely

a) Jennifer was also a graduate student. Unfortunately, while second Anne was in math, Jennifer was in biochemistry. But the thing is that Anne was doing applied math, with applications to medicine. Likewise, Jennifer was applying her biochemistry research to medicine, as well, which made them more similar.
c) Both second Anne and Jennifer have depression. Although Jennifer didn't find out about her own depression until half a year into relationship.
f) Even though Jennifer's family was from Ugoslavia, genetically Jennifer was German, just like second Anne was.

The funny thing is that Jennifer didn't seem to mind it when I was telling her about second Anne or that she was her replacement. In fact I went as far as asking Jennifer why second Anne did or said certain things she said, and got Jennifer's feedback! I guess I had a big smile on my face while saying it so it was clear I was joking. But she also said that she doesn't get jealous easilly. I found it amusing to call her "third Anne" because both first and second Anne's were skinny while Jennifer is very overweight and they don't look at all similar.

The only time I actually succeeded pissing Jennifer off that way was when, towards the end of a relationshp, Jennifer started to go to eat with me to the same place I went to eat with Second Anne. So I made it a point to call it the "Anne restaurant" (its actual name was Angelo's) and talk about second Anne every time we went there. Then, Jennifer, finally DID get angry over it. But still it was far from a major issue.

Anyway, now that Jennifer have broke up with me, I really wish I could be back with second Anne. I tried to google her name. The best I could find is a certain page on facebook where a few Freshman who used to have her as a TA set up a page about her because they were amused on the ways she was TA-ing. I can tell it is the same Anne because the age, school and year all match. But unfortunately I couldn't find a link from that page to Anne's profile. I contacted one of the students who posted on that page asking him to help me to re-connect with Anne, but he did not email me back.

But anyway, the other question is that if I do find a way to contact second Anne, just how would I get passed the awkwardness, and what exactly should I tell her? If you read that link to the story of what happened with second Anne ( http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt5922.html ) you will find that I have been quite intense, so it is quite possible that she stopped contacting me because I scared her off. Also, how can I ever ask her for a relatioship if she is in USA and I am now in India? It would be a different thing if we knew each other for a long time, but the fact of a matter is that we only knew each other for a month.

I guess one thing I am thinking of saying is outright telling her that I had four relationships after I met her, and one of these four relatiships lasted almost two years, and the other two lasted half a year each, and the shortest one was a month and a half. And, despite that all this time put together is much longer than the time I knew her, I still can't forget that first week I knew her, which would tell her that there IS a reason for me to be with her, whether she understands it or not. I know that the chance for success of this is very slim, I guess I am grasping at the straws.

But I guess if I fail, which is the most likely scenario, I should follow your advise and find another girl in math or physics. After all, out of all the attractive qualities of second Anne, the one I find the most important is the math one. So even if the other girl doesn't match second Anne in anything else, if she is in math or physics, it will make me just as happy. Well, true, Jennifer was in biology, but I guess biology is far enough from physics that it ended up not matter, and her attitude towards school was also completely different from mine. But, since my area of physics is VERY close to math, I believe that if I were to date someone in mathematics there won't be as much of a difference.

But this leads to a question on what should I do? You suggested some forums. Which ones? I actually posted at www.physicsforums.com and my latest posts consisted of whining about the way the professors treat me in school and about relationships. So I don't think I would have a lot of chance attracting ppl there since they will still have access to my posts. So what other forums do you suggest? And also, what is the probability it will succeed? I mean, there are quite a few reasons that would make it unlikely, such as

a) These forums are male-dominated
b) Women there might be taken, or might not be looking for a relationship
c) If a relatioship is to happen, it would be long-distance, so I won't have any more luck than with other long-distance options I originally suggested

How do you adress these issues?

I guess I have a limitted time due to research that I have to do as a post doc so I don't want to invest a lot of time into, say, tutoring, unless I have some kind of guarantee that I would get what I want at the end of the day. So what do you suggest?

Last edited by Roman on 30 Sep 2009, 4:09 pm, edited 4 times in total.

If you like Indian chicks, I'm sure you could find some hot and poor prostitutes you could hire for a dollar;)

I want a RELATIONSHIP not sex! I have morals I am not into prostitutes. In fact I don't even believe in sex before marriage.

I don't know if I even believe in marriage at all. Anyway, I was half joking. I wouldn't pay a prostitute myself. I want a relationship too but in urban Canada most the girls are either fat, colored, slu*ty or preppy. Pretty much no attractive girls my type. I barely even know any of the girls I'd be interested in.

I am in the same situation here in India: there are absolutely NO European girls, which pretty much limits me to long-distance option, hence the post.

It's almost 2010 - have you been living under a rock?

So perfect that your name is Ms. Doubt

I am sorry I was a bit long winded. I should learn to make it brief and sweet and say exaclty what I want. So here it is:

Aimless hit a nail on a head when she said I should be with mathematician/physicist. That is, in fact, the main reason I am obsessed over mathematician/physicist I ran onto four years ago. I am wondering, is there anything I can do to be with her? I only talked to her for a month, and it was four years ago, plus I came off way too strong back then. So I am thinking on telling her that it is not that I am obsessed with anyone and everyone, but I have a good reason to be WITH HER (hence my long list of ways in which I liked her). Will it work if I tell her that I been in four relationships after her, and I still couldn't forget her, so its not like I am desperate?

I ran google search on her, the best I could find is a facebook forum of ppl who used to have her for TA but I didn't ifnd actually HER contact info, so I was contacting one of these ppl to help me to reconnect with her and got no reply.

And then the other question: if I fail with her -- most likely scenario since I am a globe away so why would I want long distance with her if from her perspective I only knew her for a month -- what are the other options of hooking up with mathematician/physicist? I know aimless suggested that I frequent some physics forums. I kind of blew my impression at www.physicsforums.com since I kept whining over there about professors not wanting to be my advisors and girls rejecting me. Is there any other forum where I can make a good impression? And also, even though Aimless siad that it is possible to hook up with someone that way, is it likely? I am just worried that these are not exactly dating sites so they might be taken or not looking for a relatinship. So I don't even know how to ask them out, especially not long distance, unless they ask me out first. And besides, it might be hard since these places are male dominated.

Anyway, any kind of advise will be appreciated.

I think you should start with a brand new girl.
Knowing now what you say that you know, throw away the past and start a brand new thing.

Living in India, it's a pity you're so restricted in your tastes.

... But anyway, Indian girls and women don't go with anyone either.
The most educated ones are very selecting on the man they want to go out with.
And if it's not them, it's their families

almost....

Well, whether its me being selective or them, the end result is the same: I can not date anyone in India. Given that most girls won't go for long distance with people they never met, won't it mean that in some sense I have better bet if I try to get back with someone from the past since at least they have met me?

It's up to you.

Probably a stupid question, but - can you get out? Would you, if you could?

aww, don't feel so sorry for me



anyways, those photos were taken on 2006 , it's not like this now and I don't live exactly in the southern suburbs.